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Original poster

Is there a medical diagnosis for hating people coming into your house?

154 replies

shelleyshell · 20/02/2022 21:01

Hello people,
it is my first post on here and am not sure if I am in the correct place but.....
I hate having people in my house! I like my mil but she comes in way to often, my 14 year old Daughter has a boyfriend that I see too often, nothing against him I just don't want him in my house - he is currently restricted to 2 days per week.....and the main one...

my husband has a friend I dislike and he comes over every month for the whole weekend, I always go away but I still hate himmin my house!!

OP posts:
Alrightqueenie · 21/02/2022 06:10

OP I say this kindly, please stop going to other people's houses of you're not happy about them coming to yours. Meet them outside on a cafe etc but don't accept their hospitality & not return it.

I've had 15 years of hosting dinners, celebrations, afternoon teas etc for my sis in law. She has invited me round twice in those 15 yrs, she never hosts anybody but happy to go to others just like you. It is rude and selfish of her because the other person is continually hosting.

JustLyra · 21/02/2022 06:18

@shelleyshell

Hello people, it is my first post on here and am not sure if I am in the correct place but..... I hate having people in my house! I like my mil but she comes in way to often, my 14 year old Daughter has a boyfriend that I see too often, nothing against him I just don't want him in my house - he is currently restricted to 2 days per week.....and the main one...

my husband has a friend I dislike and he comes over every month for the whole weekend, I always go away but I still hate himmin my house!!

You say “my house” multiple times. Do you not consider it your families house too?

Do their wishes to have people round not count for anything?

Justilou1 · 21/02/2022 06:27

I think having what is supposed to be your haven constantly invaded by other people who a) expect your hospitality, attention and energy, b) expect to be catered for (who is doing the shopping, cooking, tea-making, meal prep, etc?) and c) adding to the already exhausting mental load that is carried by “The Mother” in every household is a guaranteed recipe for resentment. Add to that, the minimization of your feelings about your DH’s friend. Why is he always at your house? Too cheap to pay for a meal out or provide for DH? There is no way on earth I would tolerate this. It doesn’t matter whether your DH thinks your feelings about his friend are valid, they are YOUR feelings, not his. How DARE he invalidate you like this!!! This isn’t simply disrespectful, I would say that it is an abusive/controlling behaviour that needs to stop. (Maybe think about other possible examples of this…) You are not a series of functions designed to cater to the needs and desires of other people. You are a human being and I wonder who is paying attention to yours? (Btw, token cards and presents on Mother’s Day, Christmas and birthdays don’t count.)

Grida · 21/02/2022 06:32

@Justilou1

I think having what is supposed to be your haven constantly invaded by other people who a) expect your hospitality, attention and energy, b) expect to be catered for (who is doing the shopping, cooking, tea-making, meal prep, etc?) and c) adding to the already exhausting mental load that is carried by “The Mother” in every household is a guaranteed recipe for resentment. Add to that, the minimization of your feelings about your DH’s friend. Why is he always at your house? Too cheap to pay for a meal out or provide for DH? There is no way on earth I would tolerate this. It doesn’t matter whether your DH thinks your feelings about his friend are valid, they are YOUR feelings, not his. How DARE he invalidate you like this!!! This isn’t simply disrespectful, I would say that it is an abusive/controlling behaviour that needs to stop. (Maybe think about other possible examples of this…) You are not a series of functions designed to cater to the needs and desires of other people. You are a human being and I wonder who is paying attention to yours? (Btw, token cards and presents on Mother’s Day, Christmas and birthdays don’t count.)
I don’t get the impression it is about the catering. OP says she goes away when DH’s friend comes to stay.
Divebar2021 · 21/02/2022 06:47

please stop going to other people's houses of you're not happy about them coming to yours

Absolutely. Stop accepting hospitality from other people if you’re not prepared to reciprocate ~ it’s bloody rude. You might also be better off living on your own rather than trying to control what the rest of your family do.

Justilou1 · 21/02/2022 06:52

Every month for a weekend is too bloody much though… Why is he always there? Why not share the load? What does her DH do to prepare for the Royal visit? Let’s be honest…. Even going away is exhausting sometimes. Sometimes we just want to “be” in our own space. Does OP get that time?

Thehop · 21/02/2022 06:52

It’s like the opposite of auto phobia?

Mistyplanet · 21/02/2022 06:52

Selfish and territorial.

Holly60 · 21/02/2022 06:54

@shelleyshell

Really not joking, my husband doesn't take me seriously and just says 'it's weird', it upsets my children but it's how I fee,

I am perfectly happy to go into other peoples houses and am no anti-social apart from my own house!

I think the key thing is what you’ve mentioned yourself. That it upsets the other people you live with. It’s not just YOUR house, it’s theirs too and you are being unfair by imposing your needs above theirs.
GiantSpider · 21/02/2022 06:56

I can't believe your DH invites his friend over for an entire weekend once a month against your will! I like having guests, but this would drive me insane. Your DH is being incredibly inconsiderate.

DryOldCaper · 21/02/2022 07:00

Well, it’s how you feel, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

It does sound absolutely miserable, though.

I love having people over, and going over to other people’s, in return.

You’re a big, fat CF if you accept other people’s hospitality while never returning it, though.

okelydokelyneighbourino · 21/02/2022 07:01

I love seeing people and will take people out for coffee so that they don't have to come to my house. My main problem is I'm embarrassed of where I live as I have a shared front area that the neighbours keep dumping their shit everywhere in. (Think 15bikes) Its a council place and in my head I feel I will be judged for living here so I avoid inviting people. The other day I did have my first ever non family guests come round and it was nice but in my head I was still thinking they were judging me.

phoenixrosehere · 21/02/2022 07:01

Off-topic- Is it normal for a 14 yo to have a boyfriend or is it a guy friend?

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 07:12

@Malariahilaria

I think this a very interesting thread. I don't mind certain people I like and trust coming over. I can handle certain people who are good friends staying for a weekend. I love my elder DS friends coming for playdates but I am violently opposed to my fil and his various partners or MIL coming over. I also have an asd DS who doesn't like noise (even though he's the noisiest bugger in the world) so can struggle with people in the house. I think we were struggling through having people over but covid put a stop to it all and now I realise it's far easier to only have people over who get my asd DS and I like. My social life is very reduced now but we're all calmer.
I think this is more that you don't like you ILs.
hellithurt · 21/02/2022 07:13

@bexxboo

I don't like people in my house because I feel like I have to entertain them and they never seem to leave. Much rather meet outside or go to theres so I can leave whenever i want.
They never leave, how many people do you currently have staying in your home then?
WhatNoRaisins · 21/02/2022 07:14

If it stops your kids from being able to develop their own social skills and healthy relationships then it becomes a problem. As a parent you should want your children to learn the things they need for a good life and I think you'll struggle to do that if you never have houseguests.

The monthly visits sound like a PITA to be fair though

Ibizan · 21/02/2022 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostinafjord · 21/02/2022 07:16

I have autism and I find it difficult.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/02/2022 07:18

It's perfectly possible to be an introvert and able to let people into your home

hellithurt · 21/02/2022 07:20

@Justilou1

I think having what is supposed to be your haven constantly invaded by other people who a) expect your hospitality, attention and energy, b) expect to be catered for (who is doing the shopping, cooking, tea-making, meal prep, etc?) and c) adding to the already exhausting mental load that is carried by “The Mother” in every household is a guaranteed recipe for resentment. Add to that, the minimization of your feelings about your DH’s friend. Why is he always at your house? Too cheap to pay for a meal out or provide for DH? There is no way on earth I would tolerate this. It doesn’t matter whether your DH thinks your feelings about his friend are valid, they are YOUR feelings, not his. How DARE he invalidate you like this!!! This isn’t simply disrespectful, I would say that it is an abusive/controlling behaviour that needs to stop. (Maybe think about other possible examples of this…) You are not a series of functions designed to cater to the needs and desires of other people. You are a human being and I wonder who is paying attention to yours? (Btw, token cards and presents on Mother’s Day, Christmas and birthdays don’t count.)
OP goes to other peoples houses and gets hospitality etc,

She goes away when her DH friend stays

Not every woman is the only one working when entertaining, so it's not always the mother.

My DH is great at entertains and all it involves.

Nothing in the OPs post makes it sound like she's doing all the work.

You just sound like you're making huge assumptions about every man being lazy.

They're not.

duvetdayforeveryone · 21/02/2022 07:27

@shelleyshell By itself you won't get a medical diagnosis. However, if you look at the symptoms for other conditions and you have those too, then you can get a diagnosis for all your symptoms.

For example:
Generalised anxiety disorder

My DH and DS1 have Autism and they hate when other people come into our house. However, they both also hate going to other peoples' houses too.

ABitOfAShitShow · 21/02/2022 07:56

@Knobhead101

I don't mind people in my home providing I know they're coming. I loathe when people just arrive without any warning. If I answer the door when I'm home, I pop my coat on. That way, if I don't want that person entering my home and can say 'oh you've just caught me leaving, sorry!' and they'll leave, and in the unlikely event that it's someone you do want in your home, you can take your cost off and tell them you've just gotten home but they're welcome to come inGrin
Are you ‘magazine Jane’, from the internet? Grin
Is there a medical diagnosis for hating people coming into your house?
Sparklingbrook · 21/02/2022 08:01

I still want to know how that works in the height of the summer @ABitOfAShitShow. I don't think it would be that easy to pull off, especially if not 'going out' ready. Do you have to get in the car and pretend to drive somewhere, or walk down the street for no reason, then come back when the coast is clear? Confused
Less hassle just to let them in I think.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2022 08:05

@Alrightqueenie

OP I say this kindly, please stop going to other people's houses of you're not happy about them coming to yours. Meet them outside on a cafe etc but don't accept their hospitality & not return it.

I've had 15 years of hosting dinners, celebrations, afternoon teas etc for my sis in law. She has invited me round twice in those 15 yrs, she never hosts anybody but happy to go to others just like you. It is rude and selfish of her because the other person is continually hosting.

I totally agree!! Don't go to other people's houses of you won't return the favour.
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 21/02/2022 08:06

OP not sure I'd like a visitor for the whole weekend every month,what's that about?