Husband kicked dog

[Chickencuddle]

My dog had some food my husband didn't want him to have so he kicked it away from the dog and the dog bit his toe. It all happened so fast I don't know if the dog meant to bite him or was trying to get the food. But my husband got very angry kept saying angrily " he f*cking bit me" and kicked the dog around 3 times so it wasn't just a reactive kick if that makes sense. He kicked him the first time.. The dog backed away then he had to walk towards the dog and kicked him twice more.
He is normally such an animal lover so I was shocked and I told him not to kick him.
He just kept saying "well he bit my fucking toe" I asked to see his toe and his toe wasn't even red. I don't know what to say.
In my head I feel appalled I know I would never do that ever. But I know I can overthink and react. The dog isn't hurt didn't whimper or anything but was obviously not liking it and backing away.

OP, have you ever seen a woman with an utter shit of a husband and you can't understand why she stays but she insists he's great really, and everyone else just doesn't understand, but yes, she'll definitely up and leave if he does this thing, he knows he's on his last warning after all the others, but he's so lovely and a great dad...?

This is so sad and upsetting. Please, please hand the dog over to a local rescue or RSPCA this week. Then talk to someone in real life about what is happening. This man is a bully and a horrible person. You and your children deserve better.

Op

Does it occur to you that every single poster is telling you this is appalling
And yet your perspective on what is acceptable is so truly fucked that you disagree

This is what’s going to happen

You will stay
Your dog will be abused
You will be abused
Your children will witness things that no child should and will have a profoundly unhappy and disturbing childhood
Your children will grow in to adults with no sense of what is acceptable, just as you have done
And so the pattern will repeat with your grandchildren

It is is deeply deeply disturbing

The dog can be re-homed.

But your poor kids are stuck.

However, all ok, because dog was sat on his abusers lap hours later. ffs!!

Fucking disgusting.

Nothing more than an abusive bully.

OP, if you did something he didn't approve of, do you think he'd justify it and tell everyone how wonderful you are and why it doesn't matter?

Oh christ OP just read your update.
Yeah I had a shit childhood. Saw things I should never have seen. Your past does not have to define you.
You stay because you want to, not because you've been conditioned. You don't want the hassle of moving out etc etc. So you'll put up with an utter bastard. Shame for your kids and your dog, they're the innocents in all this and rely on you to make good decisions for them........in which you're failing miserably.
Stay with this utter cretin, stop posting the woe is me pish BUT TAKE THAT DOG TO A SHELTER. He not only kicked and abused a dog but an old dog one. Despicable but more so that you're almost defending him.

Haven’t RTFT but please please leave this man OP. Anyone that shows that level of aggression towards a helpless animal is showing all the red flags.

@Ludo19

Oh christ OP just read your update. Yeah I had a shit childhood. Saw things I should never have seen. Your past does not have to define you. You stay because you want to, not because you've been conditioned. You don't want the hassle of moving out etc etc. So you'll put up with an utter bastard. Shame for your kids and your dog, they're the innocents in all this and rely on you to make good decisions for them........in which you're failing miserably. Stay with this utter cretin, stop posting the woe is me pish BUT TAKE THAT DOG TO A SHELTER. He not only kicked and abused a dog but an old dog one. Despicable but more so that you're almost defending him.

I agree that she must leave but your post is way off the mark Women stay in these situations because they are terrified of what they know will be unleashed upon them by their abuser, family courts, the failing justice system etc.

In addition, so much of the really pervasive aspects of abuse are absolutely about conditioning and grooming the victims so they cannot imagine a life without this

That’s not to say that the children aren’t being damaged and exposed to this horror show. They are and it must stop. But being this critical and harsh with someone who is clearly fucked and up smashed is not going to help. It isn’t going to galvanise her or give her an epiphany. It will just make her feel shit. And feeling shit it a powerful force for indecision and lack of confidence.

So think about that perhaps

Your wanker of a husband kicked your dog 3 times and you have to check on a Internet forum if this is wrong.

I am seriously worried about the intellectual capabilities of some of the people in this Country,

Of course it’s wrong to kick an animal. Why the fuck do you have to ask this?

@fortunenookie, good point but I have been the child in a similar if not worse situation. I'm not trying to galvanise her or give her an epiphany nor have I been the only one to be harsh to her.
Maybe think about how her children will or do feel because I certainly do.

[quote Ludo19]@fortunenookie, good point but I have been the child in a similar if not worse situation. I'm not trying to galvanise her or give her an epiphany nor have I been the only one to be harsh to her.
Maybe think about how her children will or do feel because I certainly do.[/quote]
I’m not saying as a child you have no right to feel what you did and by your post is not even one of the harshest ones.

I took my children out do this situation and it’s been the best thing I ever could do but it has also been the hardest thing. It has almost destroyed me but he was doing that anyway.

All I’m saying is it was hard enough for me to do when I was being supported and not concerned for what people see as my allowing to happen. When you are being dismissed and not believed or the abuser convinces professionals there is no problem it is difficult to describe what that does. It is so much more complex than that and ironically often at the heart of it is the sentiment for many mothers that as long as I am there to protect them they’ll be fine. The biggest fear is them being alone with him.

OP , my poor lamb
I’m so worried you are now rationalising this. ( you’re probably still in shock)
He is minimising it too.
Please seek help
Although I KNOW it’s not that easy, or a lot of us would do the same and go…
So no judgement, from me - you don’t owe this thread a resolution
But please you only have one life: start thinking about where you’re going to draw the line , if it’s not kicking the dog- what is it?

Best of luck

I'm trying to protect my children. My worst fear is leaving and being given equal access. Can you imagine that. Because as long as 8m there they are OK. He knows that if he treats them in anyway badly etc I will be gone I made it very clear. So he is being actually very good and actually mostly just ignores any behaviour which needs correcting so I'm dealing with it all myself but that is better than him being too harsh or unfair or losing his temper.
I have noone... Noone beside me. In completely alone. I think if I had family I would have left by now. He has a very big family which will know would all stand beside him if I left and I'm on my own. No money no support. No help. Past history of eating disorder and self harm and panic attacks which I haven't had in about 10 years. But still.... Doesn't look good. I can't prove anything. I don't trust the justice system.
Plus what is it the kids are witnessing exactly? 2 adults looking after them and caring for them. Planning and doing activities and trying to give them the best life possible. There is no danger to them there has been nothing to happen other than the dog biting my husbands toe and him kicking at the dog as he lost his temper when he was hurt. I am upset about it and I have a really bad feeling I feel like I'm looking at him differently but it's not enough to split a family up... For that one thing. The rest has been dealt with seperatley and nothing is happening now.

I'm trying to protect my children. My worst fear is leaving and being given equal access. Can you imagine that. Because as long as 8m there they are OK. He knows that if he treats them in anyway badly etc I will be gone I made it very clear.

I don't understand this, truly I don't. You stay to protect them so that he can't get equal access, but if he hurts them you'll leave....so what will have changed then? You already have proof that he's violent.

And then you finish by telling us this:

Plus what is it the kids are witnessing exactly? 2 adults looking after them and caring for them. Planning and doing activities and trying to give them the best life possible. There is no danger to them

So if they're in no danger, why are you staying to protect them? Why are you worried about equal access if you split? Why can you be sure they're OK only if you're there?

He has never hurt them but he has been overly harsh and critical and mean in the past so nothing is happening now as I left and only came back on the promise none of it would happen again.
The first bit is just how I feel

@Chickencuddle

He has never hurt them but he has been overly harsh and critical and mean in the past so nothing is happening now as I left and only came back on the promise none of it would happen again. The first bit is just how I feel

Conveniently forgetting that he’s been attempting to cajole you in to sex right in front of them As per your other thread re going to a refuge

So he’s emotionally abused them
Physically abused you and the dog

I get it. I’ve been there. I know it’s not easy. But it’s no life for any of you is it?

Your teaching the kids this explosive world is normal, that you modify your behaviour to protect yourself from the person who is meant to love them unconditionally.

Imagine a life where you wake up free. Not having to walk on egg shells or pacify him. Without that knot in your stomach as you try to gauge what way things are going today.
Not hushing up the kids as he’s in a mood and it’s not going to end well.
That constant meerkat existence is exhausting. Your a mum on high alert 24:7 with the predator in your home, constantly trying to protect your babies.
It’s hard, it’s exhausting. It’s no life for you or the kids.

@Chickencuddle
Animal charities are now using animal abuse as evidence of spousal abuse. It’s called First Strike in Scotland ( unsure what rest of U.K.)
If you can get your dog examined , check for injury , swelling , tenderness - it would cooperate your fears, should you wish to restrict his access

You don’t need to do anything drastic , but start putting your ducks in a row .
Document this incident , date /time etc
And start doing that for anything else you’re not happy with ok?
❤️

@chickencuddle, as I said in my earlier post, I've been in abusive relationship too and I know how painfully difficult it can be to leave. If you're not ready to go, that's one thing. No one here can judge you for it. But you owe it to yourself and your children to be honest about the situation.

He isn't being great. If he were, you wouldn't need to check that your reactions are reasonable with strangers on the Internet. If he were, you wouldn't be waiting for the next cruel thing and worrying what it might be. These seemingly uneventful periods are actually PART of the abuse, not a break from it, because they contribute to this horrible gut-wrenching uncertainty. Abusive behaviour always generates doubt and fear. And I say 'seemingly uneventful' because he's still doing bad things. You're just convincing yourself that they're not that bad. He kicked the dog, but it wasn't hard, and it couldn't have hurt, and he's a gentle vegan with animals really, and the dog still got on his lap...and so it goes on.

Your kids will pick up on your anxiety and stress. This is where you really are being unfair. You want to believe that they're not scared or hurt or even aware of the situation because that's a comforting belief for you, but kids aren't stupid. They're in the same environment you are in and it's not any nicer for you than it is for them.

Your partner already has equal access to the kids. Your belief that you can make sure he never goes too far is a common belief among traumatised women who desperately want to feel they have some control over their situation, but his behaviour over the kick is showing you that actually you don't have that control. He's already succeeded in convincing you that kicking the dog wasn't that bad. You keep saying you'll leave if he does X and Y, but he already has done X and Y, and you chose to stay with him. He's pulling all the strings here, and he knows it.

Women's Aid were ready to help you fight your corner, as I remember. You might not be ready to accept that help, and I sympathise, but at least stop trying to convince yourself that this is a successful game of happy families.

You started by saying what a great guy he is and it was an accident and you don't get it.
Slowly but surely you are letting us know that in reality he has a big temper and can be very harsh towards children and you're staying with him out of fear that you would have to share access to children with him.
He is a bully and a violent person.
We have a dog who is very stubborn and would test the patience of Jesus. I can't imagine we would kick her.

@fortunenookie, I'm so glad you found the inner strength to do what you had to do and by no means would this have been easy. I wish you well for the future.

@Chickencuddle

He has never hurt them but he has been overly harsh and critical and mean in the past so nothing is happening now as I left and only came back on the promise none of it would happen again. The first bit is just how I feel

Well, either you feel they're safe with him or you don't. Based on everything you've said, here and elsewhere, I'd say they're not. Your dog certainly isn't.

Why are you so resistant to the idea of ending this marriage? It can't be to protect your children because they're unsafe already if you're having to use the threat of leaving in order to get your dog-kicking husband not to do them harm.

What are you actually scared of? Upheaval? Financial trouble? Admitting the problem is serious and you've made a very big mistake?

Hi Chickencuddle,

We're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you've had many helpful posts on your thread but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which can offer you a bit more support in real life.

Several posters have mentioned Women's Aid, so we thought we'd add a link to their webage - Women's Aid - information and support. We know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past, in particular with the Freedom Programme, so please take a look at their website.

Here too is a link to Refuge's page - what about pets? It has information about the Dogs Trust Freedom Project and other organisations that can help in situations like yours.

We really hope you're okay.

F*uck that shit! Animal lover, my arse. Anyone and I mean anyone who can do that to an animal is a psycho shitbag. No way to talk yourself out of 3 kicks. I guarantee you the dog will be emotionally scared from 3 kicks from the person who is supposed to protect it. That trust has gone, and in its place is fear. Your dog now has to live in fear in its own house.

There is no way in hell, I could be linked to an animal abuser, no matter what excuse they make.

The footballer kicked his cat and had his cats taken away from him. I think your dog needs a better home, which understands dogs more.

If a dog has access to something it's not supposed to have, the human is fully responsible for allowing it to be accessible to the dog, period!