Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

Doing things with just your own family is a must, you don't always have to include everyone. X

When I got married my parents treated me as half of a couple. They wouldn't have dreamed of not inviting DH. They would've been happy if DH bowed out but the invite would've been there always.

Gosh so much hatred for your DH! Whilst I don’t really agree with him, he’s certainly not a dick or the horrible names he’s being called!

@vbnm89 You have a lovely family time as long as it lasts. As for your DH, if you plan to live with him forever then plan to take care of his impact on your DC.

I would advise you to hide your inheritance from him so you can give the similar upbringing to your DCs like your parents did.

People like your DH are sadly broken and can't be changed so easily. My mum is similar and unfortunately me and my DB hide somethings from her so as appear not vain and wasteful. I have lied about how much my shopping costs many times. Not proud just manage her reactions.

I couldn’t stand that Pollymere.

He's whinging over a couple of evenings out with your parents and brother out of 365 days a year?
If your parents wanted to buy you diamonds and pearls and a Rolls Royce it's none of his damn business.
Ignore and enjoy.
Does he 'allow' you to have nights out with g/fs?
There's no difference.

@Christinatherabbit
Maybe you should try reading the full thread. It might influence the opinion you offer. And if you still agree with OP’s DH then….🤷‍♀️

I feel a bit sorry for his emotional ineptitude. He's got an inferiority complex around not being good enough to be included in this treat or worthy of their attention, and he doesn't know what to do with it - so even though he'd hate the evening, he is taking his feelings out on your lovely parents.

Do you think he'd be open to talking through these bigger issues with someone, OP?

P.s., you can hardly call me dramatic when you feel it is “weird and rude” to receive an invite from your own family for an activity that your DP doesn’t like and doesn’t agree with. Now that is dramatic! Lol

My PIL are coming to stay soon and I’m not bothered about being included in everything they and DH decide to do, it’s his opportunity to spend time with his parents.

One difference is that DH will probably pay, my IL’s aren’t known for their generosity.🤣

We never stop being our parents children. This sounds like a lovely experience, spending quality time with your mum, dad and brother. Try not to let your husbands insecurities taint these special moments.....time is precious.

What a total man child. Ignore him.

He sounds like an absolute joy sponge.

The fact your Ddad has incurable cancer (terminal I assume) and wants to spent time with his immediate family is wonderful and your DH pissing on all your chips would be it for me.

Lives too short to spent it with someone so misery - I don't know how you stand it.

I can empathise. But perhaps my circumstance is different. I have no family, parents both died in my 20s, extended family estranged. If my in laws kept doing stuff excluding me and I would be pissed off with it.

It depends what the perspective is. Also, some times it is nice to just be asked. Being overlooked is not a nice feeling I imagine.

Can’t he realise that some people genuinely live theatre and restaurants? He needs a good therapist to help sort him out

It must be good fun to go out with your parents & brother on these trips! You all made it through your joint childhood & adolescence & you're still talking

Over the lockdowns, some MN posters were saying that it was nice to be just the nuclear family - Mum, Dad & kids - for once, without having to manage in-laws, parents, etc.
So does this have to stop when the kids have coupled up & have children of their own?
Can't the parents hang out with their kids every know & then?

Is your husband 3?

They were your family first, before you had your own. I think it’s lovely that you still do things together occasionally, and really the emphasis is on occasionally! I don’t understand why your DP is getting his back up about something that happens once or twice a year. It’s no doubt something he’d probably enjoy with your own family when you’re older.
Sounds like pure and simple jealousy tbh, and he needs to grow up and get over it

He sounds like controlling. Sorry

YANBU. I felt this way even before reading responses, but I feel as if the poster who compared it to her DH and his sibling and father going to the football on their own a few times a year is a good comparison. Men seem to be allowed their proclivities (usually sport related) but somehow if mum is going out, she needs to bring the entire entourage? And instead of going to the thing she'd enjoy doing, the outing now needs to be going to a fucking amusement park? With her DPs in their 70s, one of whom has cancer?

What does it matter to him how much money your parents spend? Does he already have his eyes on the inheritance? Because it makes no sense at all otherwise. Unless he controls every time you leave the house without him, in which case that's yet another issue.

Add me to the list of people who think this is a lovely outing.

75-25 to you on this one but we need to know how often does your DP/DC see Grandparents - do the grandparents treat the Grandkids/spend time with them?

I’m guessing in this situation your parents are interested in going to the theatre and then decide to bring you/DB along for the trip. Theatre trips can easily be £100 plus travel/dinner/drinks.

A surge of £400 for a lovely evening out to create memories is one thing. But factoring in another two adults plus kids for another £500 equals a grand. There’s hella lot of difference between those two figures, one could be a months disposable income and the other is having to save for a few months!

Before covid I wanted to go the theatre and wanted to take my niece as she has a similar interest. I couldn’t take her without my other niece, then my sister would feel left out and then I’m sure my mum would want to go.

I could afford £250 for the two of us for a special treat but £700?! That’s a full blown holiday.

If he’s happy with going to harvester why don’t you book it? I’m sure your parents will pay their share, your DB his and you/DH can pick up your own tab for what £50? But then again, sometimes if you pick the date you pick up the bill.

As for theme parks/Legoland you can go (and pay) as a family and invite DG if they’d like to join. Hey, if DH hasn’t gone out for a meal for the past 14 your DP probably think he’s not into it… which he isn’t!

Don’t feel bad for spending this time with your parents. You’ll regret it.

I couldn’t be married to a man like that. My parents love treating my siblings and I, even now we’re all adults. Dh would never begrudge that. We have a tradition where on my parents birthday, all of us stay over at their house. Jjust us siblings, no partners or dc. We do go out with everyone as well but it’s nice having a night just us immediate family, and I know my parents absolutely love it. It’s like being kids all over again! We’re a close family though and genuinely get on. He obviously didn’t have that but that doesn’t mean he gets to make you feel bad because you do.

OP I envy you this time as family only. Never change.

Seems as though your husband is trying to control you. The fact that you have noticed is really important. You are empathetic enough to see that he might 'have a point' and you are conflicted by this, however, the fact that you say he wouldn't enjoy it, that he thinks this special time with your family is a 'waste of money' suggests that there might be other things in your life that you compromise on that you don't think are a big deal. I did the same with my ex, I tried to see his point of view....in the end he ruined our family, isolated us and tried to destroy me. Your situation might not become so desperate but please hang on to everything you hold dear as we only have one life and you mustn't let controlling partners take away special time with your loved ones. There is no need for him to feel jealous if you are spending time with him and your children.