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Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
Fredstheteds · 21/02/2022 18:11

If he’s not keen why is he jealous?

Christinatherabbit · 21/02/2022 18:12

I agree with your husband to be honest. I would find it really weird and rude if my parents invited me and my siblings out for an evening and asked us to leave our DHs at home.

Madamum18 · 21/02/2022 18:18

To be honest it is entirely up to your parents how they spend their money and entirely up to you whether you accept their invitations. He has no right to stipulate how you behave and should at least listen to your perspective. Also he should be taking into account your fathers illness and prognosis. He sounds selfish and self absorbed and he clearly thinks he has the right to dictate what you do!

littlepinkwinky · 21/02/2022 18:20

Sorry if this has already been said, but don't let that miserable ballbag spoil your lovely treats. (Your parents sound cool!)

BulletTrain · 21/02/2022 18:20

Initially I agreed. But then it occurred to me that my in-laws took me and DH to a nice hotel and the theatre in London every Christmas for 10 years, even before we were married. They've only stopped because we had a baby. I've been treated like an extra daughter since day one.

That said - I make sure they know I enjoy and appreciate it. If your H sits there with a face like a slapped arse muttering about preferring frozen grub from Toby Carvery I'd not invite him either.

RachaelN · 21/02/2022 18:22

Yikes. He sounds like a delight 😏

Cameleongirl · 21/02/2022 18:23

I can’t relate to his attitude at all, but then my DH and I see our parents solo a couple of times a year as they don’t live locally ( plane rides away) so it makes sense to visit them alone sometimes while the other parent stays at home with the children-that way, we can see them more frequently and not just during school holidays.

I think your DH has a massive chip on his shoulder, because his own parents have never given him the time and attention that yours have to you and your sibling. It’s sad, but he needs to get over it and realize that your family’s relationships are positive and that he should try to have similar ones with your own children. I love treating my teenagers to something special and I hope I can continue to do so when they have their own families.

KatherineJaneway · 21/02/2022 18:24

he likes to save every penny

@vbnm89 For what?

HomeEdHankering · 21/02/2022 18:24

He was the grandson of my gran's best friend and he was so lovely to my gran as well as his nan. There is a bit of a back story as he didn't get on with his mum because she felt he was always vying for her attention and she was more into doing things for her husband my DH's dad than her children. He was never taken anywhere by his parents as a child, He became very close to his nan as a result and his sisters way of coping was going off the rails.
He was desperate to leave home so he got a part time job at 13 and buy the age of 23 he owned his own house. He will do anything to help anyone. He bought his first house at 19 and I think I was mesmerized by this guy in his 20's being so loving and caring to his nan and the fact he had his own house and car!!! He also did so much to help my nan when she was alive as we lived in the same town and my dad is and always will be eternally grateful to him for this.

I feel like I might be the only person who has read the above bit properly?

I was with everyone else until I read that. He is obviously not a selfish person through and through if he was so wonderful to both grandmothers. I think the experience of being passed over by his own mum and never being taken anywhere as a child means being left out now, and his children being left out too, is triggering for him (hate that word but I think that’s what it is).

That doesn’t mean I think OP should put up with his demands for an ultimatum, rather she should be clear that the theatre trips will continue but they do not mean that the grandparents don’t love and appreciate time with him and the DC too.

BBCONEANDTWO · 21/02/2022 18:24

He's an absolute plonker.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/02/2022 18:24

He doesn't like eating out and hates the theatre but is jealous when your parents want to do this?

Why doesn't he offer to take them and yourselves out to a Harvester sometime if he's so worried about being excluded?

What a knob.

haismfh · 21/02/2022 18:25

I think it's lovely that you and your parents and brother get to spend time with each other like that. That's the family unit you grew up in before the DH and SIL and children came along.
I really think people should spend time alone with their parents without partners because it's a different dynamic.
One day your parents will sadly no longer be with you, but the memories of the meals out and theatre trips and all the rest of it will stay.
How I wish the last time I visited my Dad in the Uk had been without my prick of an ex, so that I could have had that time just with him. He died unexpectedly shortly afterwards - my Dad that is, not the ex......

Your DH's issues likely stem from childhood and his own feelings of rejection and not having parents do things for him and treat him and the deeply ingrained feeling that "posh" food, wine and theatre is a waste of money.
But that's his problem to overcome and not yours.

Tell him the trips out with your parents are non-negotiable and you want no further discussion about it.
With your Dad's prognosis, a supportive decent partner would be encouraging you to spend as much time as possible with your dad.

IntermittentParps · 21/02/2022 18:25

@Christinatherabbit

I agree with your husband to be honest. I would find it really weird and rude if my parents invited me and my siblings out for an evening and asked us to leave our DHs at home.
They go out to do something the OP's DH wouldn't want to go to but they DO want to. He wouldn't like to go because he's a miserable sod and is only moaning about it because he thinks they should be spending the money on him (and the kids, but I think it's really about him).
LuckySantangelo35 · 21/02/2022 18:26

@Christinatherabbit

I agree with your husband to be honest. I would find it really weird and rude if my parents invited me and my siblings out for an evening and asked us to leave our DHs at home.
@Christinatherabbit omg 😱 the prospect of leaving your DP at home!! How will either of you survive?!!

Also have you missed the missed the bit about OPs DF having terminal illness? Him and what he wants takes precedence over DP and DCs

Bleachmycloths · 21/02/2022 18:26

Your DH should grow up. Big baby. What a tosser.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 18:27

Hoe can utilise wrong for parents to want to spend quality time with their children? Seriously your DH is behaving unreasonably!!!

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 21/02/2022 18:27

Hes only taken you out for a meal twice in 15 years? Tight wads are deeply unattractive.
Of course you want to spend time with your DPs as DF is unwell.
You need a serious chat with your DH

phoenixrosehere · 21/02/2022 18:28

I agree with your husband to be honest. I would find it really weird and rude if my parents invited me and my siblings out for an evening and asked us to leave our DHs at home.

Even to something your DH not only doesn’t like but is against his principles?

theleafandnotthetree · 21/02/2022 18:28

@wanttomarryamillionaire

My ex h was like this. My family are not well off but have always treated us to nice things and lovely Christmas presents etc. His family are not well off either but definitely comfortable, however his dm is extremely selfish and wouldn't give him/us anything she doesn't have to. My ex seemed to really resent the fact that my family would help as much as they could, even though he quite often benefited from it.
I had this a bit with my ex husband. My parents were quite generous financially when we were getting married, buying a house etc. And my mother was amazingly helpful as a grandmother and a support to both of us (think minding children for multiple days if we were away for work or even on short holidays) But rather than being happy and grateful, he used to be wierdly resentful and snappy with my mother. I think partly he felt bad and jealous by the time he had our children, his dad was dead and his mum quite old and feeble and somewhat 'over' the whole grandchildren thing after 20 years of having them. But instead of naming and owning those feelings, he took them out on MY mother! One of the reasons he's an ex....
Keeper11 · 21/02/2022 18:30

I am a mother in law and obviously a mother and grandmother. There are very rare occasions when I thoroughly enjoy having my son all to myself for just one lunch. There are no kiddies interrupting, and we can finish a conversation.
This doesn’t mean I love my daughter in law any less, in fact these rare lunches are always when she and the kids are doing something else. So don’t allow your husband to begrudge your parents their rare treat.

Jux · 21/02/2022 18:33

He's a snob. It might look like he isn't, but he is.

Shoemadlady · 21/02/2022 18:35

Your husband must be joking surely? I can't believe that a grown man would begrudge his partner / wife spending time with her parents without him and kids in tow.
How your parents spend their money is up to them and if I was in your situation I'd tell my husband to whistle!!

Christinatherabbit · 21/02/2022 18:37

@LuckySantangelo35
Don't be so dramatic
Have YOU missed the part where she asked for opinions 🤣🤦‍♀️

And no unfortunately I haven't had time to read through the whole story

Thewindwhispers · 21/02/2022 18:38

Ugh. DH is worked up about it because theatre is posher than theme park / Harvester and, when you go off to a theatre and a nice meal out, he feels reminded that you’re classier than him. (If you were going off to watch football then pizza hut I doubt he’d have a problem with it.)

He’s being an insecure dick. If he wants a big family day out to a theme park then he can organise one - and pay for it. Not sure it’d be worth it for your elderly parents though 🧐

Tell him not to be such a moany pot.

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 21/02/2022 18:40

@vbnm89 Don't give him too much warning before your next trip out with your DP and DB. If he can't get his own way, he's probably going to try to scupper it so you have to cancel or take the kids with you.

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