Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

Your DF has the right to spend his money as he chooses without being dictated to by your DH. It sounds as if your DH wouldn’t enjoy the theatre and a meal anyway so it’s just sour grapes on his part. I’d be tempted to tell him that if he’s going to behave like a child, you’ll leave him a comic and a bag of sweeties next time you go, but you’re going anyway!!

I think it’s really horrible, petty and childish of your DH to resent you spending quality time doing something nice with your parents twice a year. If he wants to go to the cinema and the Harvester with the kids he can do that while you’re out doing your thing.

Since their dad died, my DDs and I have had the occasional weekend away, just the three of us. And since they've become married/partnered up, we've continued to do so. It's lovely quality time together.

Their partners have no problem with this whatsoever, and for that I'm very grateful. They're very much family, but they recognise that the three of us have a history that they don't, and that sometimes it's nice for us to just be us.

I adored my in-laws, and they accepted me into the family wholeheartedly right from the off. We'd go up to visit them for a few days regularly, but I always encouraged my late DH to go up on his own sometimes. Not because I didn't want to go - far from it. But because I recognised that it must be nice for them to see him on his own sometimes. And as they didn't live locally to us, there was otherwise never the opportunity to.

DH is off to see his parents next weekend. He’ll stay there and see friends as well.

They love the GC going but it makes much more relaxed if it’s just him, like the olden days I suppose.

It’s good for DH to enjoy his friends and be waited on. He comes back refreshed and full of more memories.

Is he controlling in other areas ?

If his idea of a fun day out is eating at a harvester then I think we have a measure of the man.

@autienotnaughty

I think he's being unreasonable but I must admit I would feel a bit left out of the treat. Maybe caus I don't have my parents anymore. We tend to do stuff with as whole family. Or occasionally me, sil, mil will have a spa and dh,bil anf fil will go pub.

Right, and now imagine your BIL said it wasn’t fair you all got a spa day, and you should have taken all the kids to soft play instead. Would you think “yep you are totally right, how selfish of us”, or would you think “grow up”?

What a selfish idiot!

@ManicPixie

If his idea of a fun day out is eating at a harvester then I think we have a measure of the man.

@ManicPixie haha exactly!

@Changechangychange I'd feel left out. I wouldn't put that on my pils or my dh I'd want them to enjoy their time together. And that's based on me enjoying whatever they are doing ie theatre. If I didn't enjoy it I wouldn't be bothered in slightest and actually thinking about it, it's easier re child care if only one goes. Also I didn't know about ops df illness at that point absolutely she should get as many precious memories as possible.

My father does this with my sister and I we love it, if your husband is jealous ignore him. He could do something with his family.
It's nice to do things apart. X

@lisaandalan

My father does this with my sister and I we love it, if your husband is jealous ignore him. He could do something with his family. It's nice to do things apart. X

Maybe you missed the bit about his family. The person he was close to was his gran not his parents and his sister has "gone off the rails" due to the parents so yes he's probably jealous but he does have some reason.

His experience is grandparents and grandchildren being close so to him it seems odd that her parents don't want to include the children. Families are different and that is his experience.

The crux of of it is we were brought up very differently and we like different things. I like to live a bit and enjoy myself he likes to save every penny. He never ever spends money and has now started to begrudge people that do. He thinks my parents should pay for the childrens activities as they have money to burn. I basically told him where to go!!!

do not say anything to them.

Whats wrong with some people always looking for trouble.

He never ever spends money and has now started to begrudge people that do. He thinks my parents should pay for the childrens activities as they have money to burn.

He sounds like an angry, bitter man who will suck all the joy out of your life if you let him.

He has no right to try to tell you to turn down invitations from your DP's or to dictate how they should spend their money. Is it really just the money he begrudges, or does he also resent your close relationship with your DP's?

I feel like the verdict would have been quite different if this scenario was the other way around.

I don't think it would have been at all different. This has nothing to do with whether you're male or female, it's a divide between those who are used to an insular, claustrophobic, jealous, dependent family dynamic and those who are used to being allowed to be individuals with some independence and separate interests and relationships, while still being part of even a close family.

@neverbeenskiing

He never ever spends money and has now started to begrudge people that do. He thinks my parents should pay for the childrens activities as they have money to burn.

He sounds like an angry, bitter man who will suck all the joy out of your life if you let him.

He has no right to try to tell you to turn down invitations from your DP's or to dictate how they should spend their money. Is it really just the money he begrudges, or does he also resent your close relationship with your DP's?

Possibly a bit of both. He just seems to think anything nice ie not Brewers fayre, mcdonalds or Primark is posh and pretentious!!! as well as childrens activities being a total rip off!!

His experience is grandparents and grandchildren being close so to him it seems odd that her parents don't want to include the children. Families are different and that is his experience.

And he is using his experience to hurt his wife and by extension her parents, one that is seriously ill. He is happy to spend someone else’s money but not his own to do things as a family including with his own children. He wants the whole family to go to a theme park or thing he’d enjoy but wants her parents to pay for it because they have the money to be urn. His upbringing while unfortunate doesn’t negate how unreasonable and disrespectful he is being.

Do you think he’ll ever change? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has such a different outlook on life? I know I couldn’t.

What a dickbag. Why should your parents entertain this miserable sod and his dour sister? Tell him to ring his own parents or get some mates.

He’s a miserable man and the DC will realise it more as they grow older and see him begrudgingly pay out for essentials whilst feeling they have to justify every reasonable request.

You carry on having these lovely evenings with your parents @vbnm89.

We have 5 DC so money and time is always in short supply. My DH, however, saved up to buy my elderly mother and me a season ticket each for our local theatre so we could spend more time together.

Such a lovely thing for you to do with your parents. I am sure your parents love their grandchildren, but isn’t it nice that they enjoy spending time with their adult children.

Bitterness is a horrible trait in a person OP. Don’t let your husband get in the way of you spending time with your parents. Having a close relationship with a grandparent is no excuse in this case.

He just seems to think anything nice ie not Brewers fayre, mcdonalds or Primark is posh and pretentious!!!

Oh Lord! How have you managed to spend 15 years with this awful man? You poor thing

How the hell did you two get together in the first place @vbnm89if you’re so poles apart in attitudes to things like going out?

He's the original dog in a manger. He hates eating out and theatre but he resents you doing it?

It's none of his business if your parents want to treat you and your brother and it sounds like a lovely thing to do.

Tell him to pack it in and grow up.