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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
Marvellousmadness · 20/02/2022 13:08

I feel like the verdict would have been quite different if this scenario was the other way around.....

Marcipex · 20/02/2022 13:08

Everyone I know of that age would be utterly exhausted by half a day at a theme park, however much they adored their grandchildren.

Why doesn’t your DH take the rest of the family to a Harvester and theme park himself?
I suggest he does that.

What a jealous and immature guy.

katepilar · 20/02/2022 13:08

You are perfectly ok to spend an evening out with your parents and siblings. Non of his business to tell your parents they should spend money od theme park or cinema if they enjoy theatre. Back luck if he wants to do theme park or cinema which personally make me feel sick just reading about them. He should grow up, which might mean get some psychotherapy to sort out his feelings and behaviour.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 13:10

@Marvellousmadness

I feel like the verdict would have been quite different if this scenario was the other way around.....
Why?
thecatsthecats · 20/02/2022 13:12

I get nostalgic for time with just my birth family. Think about the threads about friends bringing babies or partners to events - you get plenty of comments of different groupings changing the dynamic.

Well, it's true. I even like the dynamic of time alone with my MIL and SIL, no men, so I'm not just interested in focusing on my own family either. It's just nice to do things in certain groups, and there's no harm in mixing those dynamics from time to time.

notacooldad · 20/02/2022 13:14

I feel like the verdict would have been quite different if this scenario was the other way around
I don’t.
I gave an example of the scenario being the other way round.
Me and DH take pay for our adult son’s gig tickets and the four of us go together, no partners. We pay for the food, the drinks everything.
The partners aren’t into the same music as us so they don’t come.

We also pay if we are going to the cinema wit them.
Both lads are on good money but we like to treat them.

We also treat the partners to other things but sometimes it’s nice the four of us doing something we enjoy. If the partners came and they wasn’t enjoying it would be a waste of money, they wouldn’t like it and be bored no I’ll be fretful that they weren’t enjoying the evening.

Fortunately the partners are well rounded nice people.

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/02/2022 13:16

I think it’s really sweet. As long as you all see each other with spouses and kids at other times its all good. Sometimes it is easier having a chat without kids around etc.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/02/2022 13:17

Marvellousmadness, me too.
MN can be notorious for double standards.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 20/02/2022 13:21

I think it's lovely your parents do this. I can't say it would bother me if my DW parents did this (we are NC though) I'd be happy to get peace lol. Your dh sounds entirely unreasonable.

ancientgran · 20/02/2022 13:27

@notacooldad

I feel like the verdict would have been quite different if this scenario was the other way around I don’t. I gave an example of the scenario being the other way round. Me and DH take pay for our adult son’s gig tickets and the four of us go together, no partners. We pay for the food, the drinks everything. The partners aren’t into the same music as us so they don’t come. We also pay if we are going to the cinema wit them. Both lads are on good money but we like to treat them.

We also treat the partners to other things but sometimes it’s nice the four of us doing something we enjoy. If the partners came and they wasn’t enjoying it would be a waste of money, they wouldn’t like it and be bored no I’ll be fretful that they weren’t enjoying the evening.

Fortunately the partners are well rounded nice people.

Are the partners invited or do they know they would be included if they wanted to go? I think that makes a big difference. I go shopping with my DD and her brothers or father could come but they don't want to, they know they aren't being excluded.
diddl · 20/02/2022 13:33

Even if Op's husband did love the theatre & a meal out, they could still do that together.

Also, if Op's parents spend time with their GC, then what's the problem?

It's not as if they must always see Op & their GC together is it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/02/2022 13:35

@NoSquirrels why would it different if it were the other way round?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/02/2022 13:42

Sorry that was meant for @Marvellousmadness
Why would it be different?

joliefolle · 20/02/2022 13:55

OP, your husband's childhood trauma/attitude does need resolving - it has led to him insisting that his wife tell her terminally ill father that it's "all or nothing" and being disparaging about the perfectly healthy and normal way in which they enjoy spending their time.

He is obviously capable of great love and loyalty to both his grandmother and yours.

What he is doing now is unfair and deeply unkind. It's not right and it will have an impact on you and your children and they grow up. It needs addressing.

TatianaBis · 20/02/2022 14:08

Reading your update - perhaps it’s insecurity rather than selfishness and jealousy. He does need to get with the programme which is that, whatever his roots, you like theatre and eating out. It may not be something he’s used to or comfortable with but he needs to accept it.

And he needs to not feel rejected that your terminally ill dad wants to spend time with his kids.

Piggy42 · 20/02/2022 14:14

Can you afford to do theme park type days out with your kids? If not, maybe he’s thinking it would be nice for them to have a treat.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/02/2022 14:23

@Piggy42

Can you afford to do theme park type days out with your kids? If not, maybe he’s thinking it would be nice for them to have a treat.
@Piggy42 not everything revolves around the kids. OP’s dad is terminally ill, what he wants to do takes precedence over the wishes and desires of the DH and the kids. If that is to take out just his own adult children to the theatre and for a meal then so be it. It’s incredibly self centred to try and dispute that
Mellowyellow222 · 20/02/2022 14:26

@Piggy42

Can you afford to do theme park type days out with your kids? If not, maybe he’s thinking it would be nice for them to have a treat.
This attitude irks me. If OP wants to take his children to a theme park, he should organise it and pay for it.

If he can’t afford to, it’s not his elderly parent in law’s responsibility to do that for him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/02/2022 14:34

@Piggy42

Can you afford to do theme park type days out with your kids? If not, maybe he’s thinking it would be nice for them to have a treat.
I touched on this earlier. Where is he common sense and empathy?

Firstly he has no rights to dictate how they spend their cash...

Secondly, How on earth is wandering miles round a hot crowded theme park remotely fun for the elderly especially when not in the best health???

DSGR · 20/02/2022 14:38

I agree. If your DH wants to book days out for you and the kids let him. If your terminally ill dad gets immense pleasure from taking his children and wife to the theatre, that sounds utterly fabulous and lovely. This is not about your DH or the grandchildren

diddl · 20/02/2022 14:55

@Piggy42

Can you afford to do theme park type days out with your kids? If not, maybe he’s thinking it would be nice for them to have a treat.
Well if they can't afford it, it's not because of Op's times out with her brother & parents...
MsVanDeKamp · 20/02/2022 15:14

please dont let him take away any 1-on-1 time you have left with your dad.

notacooldad · 20/02/2022 15:27

There’s been a lot of replies OP?
What is your take on it?

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 15:33

He’d have had a conniption if he was married to me. My parents used to treat me to a week’s foreign holiday every year, just the three of us. We all enjoyed it and it would have never occurred to my bloke to say a word.

PrincessNutella · 20/02/2022 16:04

Imagine how you would feel if your parents died and you had let yourself be cheated of the memory of happy times like these. I am telling you this because my mother is dying of cancer,