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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 20/02/2022 12:07

@AlternativePerspective

To the people who agree with the DH, do you think that adults are unreasonable for e.g. going round to their parents for a cup of tea without their partner? Going out on a night with their friends without their partner?

Having interests which don’t include their partner or small children?

We’re talking a couple of times a year here, not saying that dh isn’t welcome in their home.

Anyone who can’t cope with that is either majorly insecure or controlling. Either way, they need to get a bloody grip.

This exactly. It's fine to do occasional stuff with just some of the family.

I used to go for coffee with just mum when she was alive, we did lots of other stuff as a family so no one was being excluded.

Would DH think it's all or nothing if he had an invite to the pub with friends? Of course not. Which is enough to see that he's just jealous, and probably doesn't want to look after his own DC. He needs to pull that stick from his arse.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 12:09

@OfstedOffred

For context it's not necessarily jealousy.

In my extended family someone not being included would essentially be a sign of dislike on either part and would basically be considered rude. If the DH is from a similar upbringing he may be feeling offended rather than jealous.

See, this is very interesting to me because I’d say my upbringing is similar, and my parents extremely welcoming and inclusive - the house with all the extended family on both sides to every big occasion and all the waifs and strays at Christmas etc - but it still would not be a problem to do something in a smaller group if other people didn’t like the proposed activity.

We’ve had a similar scenario in my extended family, in fact - think person being invited to a proposed activity but wanting to change it to suit/be given the equivalent in monetary terms to do something else in order to be ‘fair’ and I thought it was batshit then and am unlikely to change my mind!

You’re invited to something you don’t like, you decline on the basis you don’t like it.
Next time, you are not naturally invited. Makes sense.

Hawkins001 · 20/02/2022 12:09

I can understand all inclusive, but then how can adults have time and conversations together when it's more about trying to manage the children ? The compromise I could see , would be if certain times it's all inclusive then at other times it s adults only so to speak.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 20/02/2022 12:10

My ex h was like this. My family are not well off but have always treated us to nice things and lovely Christmas presents etc. His family are not well off either but definitely comfortable, however his dm is extremely selfish and wouldn't give him/us anything she doesn't have to. My ex seemed to really resent the fact that my family would help as much as they could, even though he quite often benefited from it.

autienotnaughty · 20/02/2022 12:14

I think he's being unreasonable but I must admit I would feel a bit left out of the treat. Maybe caus I don't have my parents anymore. We tend to do stuff with as whole family. Or occasionally me, sil, mil will have a spa and dh,bil anf fil will go pub.

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2022 12:17

@autienotnaughty

I think he's being unreasonable but I must admit I would feel a bit left out of the treat. Maybe caus I don't have my parents anymore. We tend to do stuff with as whole family. Or occasionally me, sil, mil will have a spa and dh,bil anf fil will go pub.
But the OP's family does appear to do both.

It's not either/or, it's as well.

ancientgran · 20/02/2022 12:18

Every one is different and every family is different. Personally I would probably agree with your DH and think it was great to have everyone, me DH, 4 children, their 4 partners and 6 GC out for lunch together rather than just with my children.

It also depends on the circumstances, one of my children is married to someone with no family, I mean literally no one so we tend to view things as more like we have 5 children and 3 partners. So if your husband has lost his DGM and isn't close to his parents he might feel like my orphaned SIL who I always treat like my own. So yes I suppose that might be jealousy but I can understand why he might feel hurt that he is left out.

At the end of the day it is your parents money so they can do what they want but it is nice to view your children's partners as family.

Saracen · 20/02/2022 12:19

What you said in your later post about your DH's upbringing seems very relevant, and having read that I would be inclined to cut him more slack rather than just dismissing him as a jerk.

He's wrong, of course, but I do have more sympathy for him.

diddl · 20/02/2022 12:20

"I think he's being unreasonable but I must admit I would feel a bit left out of the treat."

Even if it was something that you weren't interested in doing?

"Maybe caus I don't have my parents anymore"

Neither do I & doing something with the ILs would be a very poor substitute-maybe you get on with yours?

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/02/2022 12:20

@NoSquirrels

I wasn’t trying to misrepresent you, Jacqueline - I apologise if you’ve read it that way.

I am specifically trying to understand why it’s OK to have individual relationships in one circumstance and not others.

To ke, seeing my parents and siblings to go out for dinner and to the theatre is as natural to me as going to the theatre and to dinner with a group of old friends my DH isn’t necessarily part of.

Or my DH going to the football with his dad and brother isn’t something I’d be hurt about not being invited to/excluded from.

If I changed my opinion about enjoying football then I’m sure they’d happily include me.

The situation is everything, not the family v friend distinction.

I completely understand it would be hurtful to be excluded from a ‘family occasion’ but to me this scenario is not a ‘family occasion’ but a ‘group that enjoys something another person does not’.

No problem & I think that's why we're seeing this situation differently as I actually agree with everything you describe.

Where people are making their own arrangements and getting together and paying their own way, I absolutely agree with you, it's not a family event & is no different to going out with friends.

However I read the Ops situation (& her husbands reaction to it) differently. To me, it seems it like a 'family' event that the parents are hosting and yet they're excluding their children's partners (for whatever reason). They are obviously fully entitled to do whatever they like, but if my in-laws did this, then I would feel hurt (but thankfully they never would!).

diddl · 20/02/2022 12:25

@Saracen

What you said in your later post about your DH's upbringing seems very relevant, and having read that I would be inclined to cut him more slack rather than just dismissing him as a jerk.

He's wrong, of course, but I do have more sympathy for him.

But that doesn't mean that he can harp on to Op & take her enjoyment out of it.

He had selfish parents by the sounds of things & what he needs to do is make sure that he's not like that with his own kids-& preferably Op!

I can't get over him begrudging something that doesn't affect him at all.

phoenixrosehere · 20/02/2022 12:26

To me, it seems it like a 'family' event that the parents are hosting and yet they're excluding their children's partners (for whatever reason). They are obviously fully entitled to do whatever they like, but if my in-laws did this, then I would feel hurt (but thankfully they never would!).

Even though it is something he not only doesn’t like but is sneery about. He doesn’t like dinner and theatre period. This is not an event he likes and they are leaving him out, this is a type of thing he hates while expecting them to do things he likes for his benefit. He thinks taking everyone to an theme park would be better yet doesn’t consider how that would effect his in-laws, one who is poorly.

diddl · 20/02/2022 12:28

"To me, it seems it like a 'family' event that the parents are hosting and yet they're excluding their children's partners (for whatever reason)."

Neither of the partners are interested in the event.

ancientgran · 20/02/2022 12:29

@phoenixrosehere

To me, it seems it like a 'family' event that the parents are hosting and yet they're excluding their children's partners (for whatever reason). They are obviously fully entitled to do whatever they like, but if my in-laws did this, then I would feel hurt (but thankfully they never would!).

Even though it is something he not only doesn’t like but is sneery about. He doesn’t like dinner and theatre period. This is not an event he likes and they are leaving him out, this is a type of thing he hates while expecting them to do things he likes for his benefit. He thinks taking everyone to an theme park would be better yet doesn’t consider how that would effect his in-laws, one who is poorly.

It isn't just wanting something for his benefit it is also about his children. I think in some families relationships with GPs are a bigger deal than it is to others. He was clearly very close to his GM and he probably finds it odd that the ILs aren't the same.
phoenixrosehere · 20/02/2022 12:34

It isn't just wanting something for his benefit it is also about his children. I think in some families relationships with GPs are a bigger deal than it is to others. He was clearly very close to his GM and he probably finds it odd that the ILs aren't the same.

That is true but is it feasible giving the circumstances and why can’t he plan and pay for it? Why is it on her parents to do so when they already do things with them?

HTH1 · 20/02/2022 12:34

@ancientgran

Every one is different and every family is different. Personally I would probably agree with your DH and think it was great to have everyone, me DH, 4 children, their 4 partners and 6 GC out for lunch together rather than just with my children.

It also depends on the circumstances, one of my children is married to someone with no family, I mean literally no one so we tend to view things as more like we have 5 children and 3 partners. So if your husband has lost his DGM and isn't close to his parents he might feel like my orphaned SIL who I always treat like my own. So yes I suppose that might be jealousy but I can understand why he might feel hurt that he is left out.

At the end of the day it is your parents money so they can do what they want but it is nice to view your children's partners as family.

That’s nice that you do that @ancientgran. I’m in a similar boat to your DIL but am treated as an afterthought by my in-laws (eg DH gets an expensive coat for Christmas while I get some piece of tat costing a fraction of the price, even though the in-laws would never receive any gifts for any occasion if I didn’t deal with them).
HTH1 · 20/02/2022 12:35

*SIL, even

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 12:37

To me, it seems it like a 'family' event that the parents are hosting and yet they're excluding their children's partners (for whatever reason). They are obviously fully entitled to do whatever they like, but if my in-laws did this, then I would feel hurt (but thankfully they never would!).

Interesting. So it’s the payment element - the ‘hosting’?

If someone/a couple of people who aren’t family offered to treat your husband to an event and dinner out - for the pleasure of his company, at something they knew he enjoyed, and you didn’t, that they’d often enjoyed together in the past - would you be upset?

autienotnaughty · 20/02/2022 12:38

@diddl

"I think he's being unreasonable but I must admit I would feel a bit left out of the treat."

Even if it was something that you weren't interested in doing?

"Maybe caus I don't have my parents anymore"

Neither do I & doing something with the ILs would be a very poor substitute-maybe you get on with yours?

No your right if it was something I didn't enjoy I would not want to go just to be included. I do like the theatre tho Smile I do think it's unreasonable to suggest other activities. Whoever is paying should definitely get to choose!
NurseButtercup · 20/02/2022 12:38

@amusedbush

Sorry, I missed your last post and based on that, I would suggest he needs to unpack his shit in therapy. Seriously.

He saved money as a trauma response to his upbringing and he has spent your whole relationships judging your family for having a different dynamic to his poor upbringing. He will suck the happiness out of you and he needs to work on himself with a trained professional.

I agree with this.
NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 12:42

I think in some families relationships with GPs are a bigger deal than it is to others. He was clearly very close to his GM and he probably finds it odd that the ILs aren't the same.

I think it’s a double whammy, actually.

His parents weren’t interested in having a close relationship with him. He was emotionally neglected by them and seeing his wife’s different treatment is hurtful (he’s jealous).

Because of his poor relationship with his parents, he was very close to his grandparents. His grandparents also weren’t close to his parents (probably related to their selfishness) so they lavished ALL
their time money and care on their grandchildren.

So he has both a trauma to do with his own parenting that’s causing jealousy AND an unrealistic expectation of “grandparents” in a general sense. And as his own parents cannot he held to account as “grandparents” then it’s all being aimed at OP’s parents.

RosiePosieDozy · 20/02/2022 12:49

When I started reading, I did feel for your DH not being invited. I would be upset if my PILs kept inviting my DP to do something that I would also enjoy. But...your DH doesn't enjoy the theatre or eating out. So what's the issue? Extremely selfish and nasty behaviour to try and stop you having fun with your family. He should relish the opportunity to have some me time/spend time with the children alone when you go out on these days. And be happy for you that you're having a good time! Nasty to try and tell you that it's got to be the whole family next time. And is he going to pay for that?

thing47 · 20/02/2022 12:50

If your DH loved the theatre and a meal out, he would have a point. But he doesn't, so he doesn't have a point.

Surely we all have different interests from our partners? DH and I like different music so we go to gigs with other people, or even on our own. If it's a band we both like, then we go together. Or DH might go to a football match occasionally and take DS – he knows I don't have any interest, so he wouldn't ask me, he'd just check that the date was OK. I don't feel I should have been asked even though we both know I wouldn't want to go!

Ljmumun · 20/02/2022 12:51

Goodness very selfish. My mum occasionally takes me and now.my DD who is 14 away for a weekend of.meals and theatre. Its a girls weekend to allow us to connect as we love 300 miles apart. Only commen for DH is don't spend to much shopping ( and that's a joke). Sometimes it's nice just to share experiences ans memories with DP. That u can't do with a big group

ancientgran · 20/02/2022 12:52

@NoSquirrels

I think in some families relationships with GPs are a bigger deal than it is to others. He was clearly very close to his GM and he probably finds it odd that the ILs aren't the same.

I think it’s a double whammy, actually.

His parents weren’t interested in having a close relationship with him. He was emotionally neglected by them and seeing his wife’s different treatment is hurtful (he’s jealous).

Because of his poor relationship with his parents, he was very close to his grandparents. His grandparents also weren’t close to his parents (probably related to their selfishness) so they lavished ALL
their time money and care on their grandchildren.

So he has both a trauma to do with his own parenting that’s causing jealousy AND an unrealistic expectation of “grandparents” in a general sense. And as his own parents cannot he held to account as “grandparents” then it’s all being aimed at OP’s parents.

Yes that makes sense to me. Childhood trauma leaves us all vulnerable in various ways.