Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

It's a shame he doesn't want to spend money he can afford on nice things.

Is the money shared or do you have totally separate accounts? Do you ever do anything you all enjoy?

If there's any chance of an inheritance (hopefully in the distant future) I'd be wary of how much say he'd want over it

I am both baffled and saddened that there are people out there who think the OP and her family are being unreasonable. Why would anyone begrudge parents and their adult children spending an evening together, a couple of times a year?

Who needs enemies
When you have a husband like this?

I've not read the thread yet but what a lovely tradition for you op 😊

I think your husband is framing this the wrong way. It isn’t about him, it’s not about your children. It’s not about you. It’s about a man with an incurable illness trying to spend precious time with his wife and children. Your parents are not ‘treating’ you, to your husband’s detriment- you are helping to facilitate enjoyable experiences for a very unwell and much-loved parent.

Perhaps a Harvester and theme park for all would be better value for money in your husband’s eyes, but it might well be too much for your parents to cope with. He’s allowed to spend his own time and money on outings for his own children.

@NoSquirrels

I think you've answered your own question - one is family and one is an old friend (hence not family).

But in terms of the adult relationship you have with each individual person @JacquelineCarlyle?

Not the relationship in the sense of ‘on paper, how are you related?’ But in the sense of ‘When we interact with each other on a human level’

What makes it OK to see an old friend (person) you’ve known since childhood one on one, and it not OK to see your parent (person) who you’ve known since childhood one on one?

I've never said it's not ok to see your parent one on one, so please don't misrepresent me.

What I've said is that if you're having family get togethers / going out together etc, then for me, it's normal that sons and daughters in law are invited as they're family too. Thankfully in my family, that is the case.

Doesn't mean we don't do things in varying groups / guises but everyone knows that for family situations, they're naturally invited (to the point no specific invitation is necessary). To specifically not be invited would be hurtful to me.

@Bringsexyback

Is he depressed or something I bought my friend a gift for her birthday and her husband replied that that wasn’t right because I wanted her to look nice and not him - A few months later he was diagnosed with clinical depression so we forgive the comment, kind of.

You can be diagnosed with depression AND still be a complete twat

I actually feel quite sorry for your husband. His reaction isn't necessarily right but sometimes jealousy is irrational.

He's never had this and so it hurts. He can't help that but nor does it mean you should be denied it.

His reactions are as a result of having no money and no fall back option. It does something to you. I can totally relate as I fret over spending money we can afford as a reaction to childhood and the stress of having none. You can't understand that from his perspective in the same way he doesn't understand you being 'entitled' to nice things
He sees trips to the theatre as 'what else we could have done with it' not because he is grabby but because because when you have to think like that about every penny you spend for very many years it gets stuck.

What also strikes me is how important his gran was to him and there's probably a lot of emotion tied up in those feelings he's projecting onto a different family dynamic.

I don't think he sounds like a horrible person, just someone who has had a very different life. I agree with the poster who said sit down and talk calmly.

I can vividly remember being insanely jealous of a boyfriend who's parents took him and his sister away when we were 21. They were kind enough to let me live with them and I understood completely they wanted one last family holiday. I wouldn't have taken me in their position either. But I'd never been abroad and it hurt like hell even though it was totally irrational and unfair of me.

Don't throw away a good marriage at a time you are going to need him more than ever. Use this as an opportunity to understand each other better

Sounds like my ex husband. Except he would never suggest the money was better spent on our children. He was just jealous of me getting any attention from anyone else, especially my parents. He has a fear of missing out which is thankfully no longer my problem. I couldn’t even have a Whatsapp group with my sister and parents without him moaning about it.

Your parents are free to do whatever they want with the money. I personally think it is very healthy for you to enjoy time alone with your siblings and parents. You don’t mention whether is is close to his own family?

My ex would want me by his side when he his family again fear that I might be having more fun elsewhere but also because his relationship was awful and he needed to me do all the talking because they don’t communicate in the same way I do with my own family.

Personally I would be saying no to his request but appreciate relationships aren't always that simple. You are definitely not being unreasonable though x

Yes he is just jealous and, no, you shouldn’t take this away from your parents or yourself (especially as your dad has incurable cancer).

It sounds like DH has always been very thrifty and bought a house very young, so that suggests you have disposable income. What’s to stop everyone winning, so you and your immediate family going out to lunch, theme parks etc once in a while without grandparents having to be there/pay?

Also please don’t tell your parents op, they’ve enough on their plates without knowing what you’re married to. It will just add to their stress and make them feel bad. This is something that you need to handle with him. Sadly he’s your nasty little problem to deal with. Don’t make him theirs.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, but some families are weird like this. My fiancé is insistent he never sees his family/mum without me. He’s totally baffled at the idea that he might like it, or his mum like seeing just her son without me. I’ve tried to say this so many times but he just won’t do it! Very odd, and I still see my family without him sometimes.

Of course you can see your parents without him, he is being ridiculous! And pathetic and nasty actually.
There is no way DH would stop me doing this.. and there is no way I would let him. What horrible, possessive behaviour

Your husband sounds a bit controlling op. Why does it bother him so much ? Jealousy ? Most likely. But more seriously, he needs to stop trying to control the wider family and get over himself. It's not all about him. It's about quality time with your original family. Something that doesn't happen often once the children (you and your brother) grow up and have their own families. Please don't change your plans because he says so. Don't let him dedicate what your parents can offer to you.

What I'd do for more time with just my parents and two sisters... we all have lovely families now with brother/sister in laws, Gparents, Gchildrens etc but I'd still like more time just us five if I could get it!

He's being selfish making it about him. Maybe one reason it bothers him is because he's left to do childcare on his own when you're at the theatre ?

There is nothing more unattractive than a partner who is jealous of time you spend with an your parents. He be sounds pathetic. If he wants to go to Harvester he can go and take the children, nothing stopping him. He can pay for it himself as well. He is just trying to spoil your time with your parents, don't let him do this OP. One day when they have passed you will have lovely memories to reflect upon. Don't let his pathetic jealousy steal these from you.

For context it's not necessarily jealousy.

In my extended family someone not being included would essentially be a sign of dislike on either part and would basically be considered rude. If the DH is from a similar upbringing he may be feeling offended rather than jealous.

Erm…no. He’s being a complete arse and bringing the extended family argument in is complete bullshit.

@notacooldad

I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around Laughing at this! Me and DH have tons more money than my adult sons. We are not quite retired but even then we are miles better off than them. We certainly have more disposable income as they are paying mortgages and we’re not.

Me and DH regularly go to gigs without their partners and I’m more than happy to pay the tickets. We went last week to see Paradise Lost at the academy and we’ve got tickets for Yard Act soon as well as about 4 other concerts over the next few months.
The partners are not interested in going to gigs unless it’s someone they are really into and the two women usually meet up and have a ‘pornstar martini night’ while we are out.

If that is weird I’m ok with that, the women are ok with that and so are the lads.

Ds1 partner often goes out with her mum to Manchester and is treated to loads of stuff. DS is pleased for her. They enjoy going to Selfridges, Harvey Nics for shopping, lunch at the Ivy and a few cocktails to finish. It doesn’t cost partner a penny. DS would never in a million years start bleating on about how unfair it is because for starters , it’s not!

I find OPs partner utterly ridiculous and quite pathetic tbh. I would lose respect for him.

We have less money than our adult DC, and one of them alone earns more than our combined income.

But I do agree. It's bizarre to suggest that 'older' parents of 30 and 40-something ' children should never spend money on their adult children.

Our DC come for an Indian or Chinese takeaway, once every 6 weeks or so (both of them with their partners, so 6 of us,) and me and DH buy it. We never EVER let them pay. We invited them, we pay. We also give them a small bunch of gifts (maybe £40-45 worth) for their birthday, and a sizeable cash gift. Not 100s and 100s but like £70-80 or so, so they can go buy something nice. We do the same for their partners but spend about half as much on them.

We also 'treat' them all to small gifts over other parts of the year, just because we want to. They do the same for us, although we never expect it.

The very idea that adult children should support their 60+ parents is bizarre. Even if me and DH were struggling badly, we would NEVER accept handouts from our children. Fortunately, even though we earn much less than them, we also have much lower outgoings, and we are comfortable financially. Not minted, but comfortable. Eg, if the cooker or the washing machine packed up, or we got a £500 vet bill, it would be like 'ouch!' but we wouldn't go under financially.

I wasn’t trying to misrepresent you, Jacqueline - I apologise if you’ve read it that way.

I am specifically trying to understand why it’s OK to have individual relationships in one circumstance and not others.

To ke, seeing my parents and siblings to go out for dinner and to the theatre is as natural to me as going to the theatre and to dinner with a group of old friends my DH isn’t necessarily part of.

Or my DH going to the football with his dad and brother isn’t something I’d be hurt about not being invited to/excluded from.

If I changed my opinion about enjoying football then I’m sure they’d happily include me.

The situation is everything, not the family v friend distinction.

I completely understand it would be hurtful to be excluded from a ‘family occasion’ but to me this scenario is not a ‘family occasion’ but a ‘group that enjoys something another person does not’.

I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around

That’s your circle though. My parents and many of their friends aren’t retired and still go out and eat, take trips, and treat their adult children and grandchildren and we treat them too. What they do with their money is their business especially who and what they spend it on. They have more disposable income than they did when we were their dependents and have money saved for when they choose to retirement. My own parents could retire if they wanted to but they choose to work (they would be bored otherwise). My in-laws are both retired but FIL works and plays golf and they treat DH and their other children.

Not read many PPs but read all OP's. Seems like not a simple matter concerning his apparent jealously but anyway he would not want or enjoy going to the theatre/out to dinner anyway. So he is being a ''dog in a manger''. It's not his money being 'wasted' and not really his business. He should be glad the 4 of you and especially you are doing something you like and enjoy and only twice a year is not excessive - especially he should consider your DF with his terminal condition (I understand?). Tell him re. money - you can't take it with you so may as well enjoy life if and when you can - which usually involves money.

My first marriage was to a man who didn't like spending money (unless it was on his choices) and was quite sneery about other people's choices on expenditure. Nice restaurants, theatre tickets, staying in accommodation that was a grade up from basic - these things would fall under the category of wasteful and pretentious. An uncle of mine tried to take me out for dinner one time, and this charmer I"d married elbowed his way in and made me pay for his share.

I"d have divorced him had he lived for being a joy-sucking, controlling cunt, not to put too fine a point on it. As it is, he died, 20 years ago, and even now, every time I spend money on a more expensive brand of paint, or something nice for the house, or a good weekend away, or on DS' education/personal development or on anything that enriches life beyond the basics, I mentally stick two fingers up at him. The sad sack.

What your parents choose to spend money on with their children is absolutely none of your husband's business. Tell him to stop sticking his nose in and trying to undermine a pleasure that doesn't involve him.

‘I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around’

A prime example of someone assuming their personal experience is universal.

Lots of people have parents with more money than them. I do!!

It seems your husband thinks he should be controlling what your parents spend their money on! A Harvester and theme park rather than theatre and dinner.

He is absolutely wrong - it's none of his business. And of course dinner and theatre isn't pretentious - does he have a huge chip on his shoulder generally?

Given your father's health situation I would be telling DH to shut the fuck up.

@OfstedOffred

For context it's not necessarily jealousy.

In my extended family someone not being included would essentially be a sign of dislike on either part and would basically be considered rude. If the DH is from a similar upbringing he may be feeling offended rather than jealous.

I do appreciate what you are saying but he isn't invited because he doesn't like going out for an expensive meal or going to the theatre. The OP and her family do that specifically because they want to see a show.

And her DH isn't saying, "it's not fair, I love your family and would love to spend time with them. Maybe we should all go out for lunch one day to spend quality time together?"

He is saying that he resents his PIL spending their money on his wife when he doesn't benefit from it, and he would prefer that they scrapped their tradition to buy him lunch instead. He just wants whatever he can get his hands on.