Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

[vbnm89]

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

@OfstedOffred

it is treating their adult children to something he thinks is pretentious that he doesn't like.

This is just a family difference though. I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around.

And I find it a bit weird your snobbery around your DH not liking a "decent" wine. My family like wine, but my BiL isn't bothered really, my family would never be judgey about this, we always get a few of the beers BiL prefers in! Because we like BiL, he's part of the family, we want him to enjoy our family gatherings. It's not exactly a mark of character to be choosy about wine, not everyone has the same palate.

There are different ways to be about money and that's fine, but i think a happy marriage usually requires you be on the same page about stuff, whichever page that is, and it sounds like you and your DH arent.

Eh? That depends on your family, surely?

Those of us with boomer generation parents may well have parents who are better off than us

My own parents lived at a time when if you went to university you could expect to have a job for life and to be able to.afford a house.

My parents worked in the same jobs for their working lives and reached relatively senior positions. They bought a house in London for £20k that's now worth the best part of £2m and my mum still lives there, having long since paid off the mortgage.

My mum gets more from her pension than I earn and has substantial savings.

I scrape by. Since having DC and going part time, and since moving out of London I've found it hard to progress in my career. DP's industry has been massively hit by cuts, plus he's had serious health issues and he's struggling career-wise too.

We get by, but we can't afford foreign holidays or lots of luxuries. And, occasionally my mum does treat us so we can do things together that she wants to do and I'd never be able to afford (like a family trip to a West End theatre production at Christmas).

Given the state of the economy, and the cuts this government has made, I'd imagine there are lots of families in a similar position?

it is treating their adult children to something he thinks is pretentious that he doesn't like

How unattractive. Your last update makes him sound unpleasant.

My DH's dad takes him and his sister (mid-late 30s) skiing for a week once a year. My brother in law stays at home with their DD and I stay at home with our cats. Neither of us ski and even if we did, we wouldn't begrudge our FIL treating his children. I think it's quite sweet that they have their family tradition.

I disagree with the people who think that your parents are being unreasonable. They are regularly seeing the whole families and the daughter in law is happy and the son in law doesn't enjoy theatre so why not?

His childhood explains why he has strange ideas about parents and adult children. Is he distancing himself from his kids between age 18 and when they have kids then only seeing the grandchildren? I couldn't be with a man who did that and I'd understand if a future daughter or son in law didn't stand for that too.

I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around.

But every family is different. My dad is still working full time and is quite wealthy. We were quite poor growing up so now he's got money he likes to treat me even though I'm 40 and have a decent income myself.

DHs parents will always pay for DHs sister because she's not got much money and a crappy ex who only pays the minimum maintenance.

@TolkiensFallow

Oh my goodness, just read your update.

Your dad has incurable cancer, he feels like he’s on borrowed time and he wants to take his daughter to theatre for some quality time.

And your husband feels this is unfair on him?

This actually made me well up.

I’m going to be honest OP and I rarely share anything personal on here. My dad died recently, he was awful and never even sent me a birthday card for 50 years. The idea of your dad wanting to spend time in your company and treating you is absolutely lovely - and everything I ever wanted - so don’t even contemplate that your husband has a point.

Spend time with your dad, you will never regret it xx

So sorry your dad was horrible.

Wow he’s pathetic
Esp when it’s not even sometime he even wants to do
Wtaf

It's a real fuck you to DH and SIL. A real we don't see you as part of the family.

That’s very dramatic. I think the real f**k you is thinking his wife can tell her parents, two grown adults how to spend their money and who to spend it on and trying to push her into giving them an ultimatum on how to do so. He also can shove his opinion since again, it’s not his money nor he gets to moan about how or what it is spent on. In this case, he should mind his business because how his in-laws choose to spend time with their children is not it. I

My DH and his parents go out together and I think nothing of it because they’re his parents. Why shouldn’t he be able to spend time with them alone or be treated by them? I’m glad he does because it’s a good example to our sons that at whatever age they get they will always have time with us.

If my DH acted like OP’s , I’d challenge him on asking who he thought he was and if he feels so strongly about it to talk to my parents about it and see how far he gets.

He will do anything to help anyone

Apart from you it seems. I’m so sorry.

[quote NoSquirrels]@JacquelineCarlyle So, what distinguishes an adult relationship with your own parents from an adult relationship with an old friend you’ve known since childhood?[/quote]
I think you've answered your own question - one is family and one is an old friend (hence not family).

What a miserable git. Being jealous and pissed off that you have been given a nice treat.

I have a friend right now who has a husband like this; can't stand it when anything really nice happens to her, and prefers her to be low and miserable and would prefer her friendless... He got pissed off and jealous and sarcastic because she got 33 birthday cards the other week, and he 'only' got 5 for his birthday 2 weeks before.

And she gets often 35-50 'likes' on her tweets and 40 to 60 or so at a time on facebook posts. He gets 0 likes on his tweets usually - 1 or 2 occasionally, and often less than 5 'likes' on his facebook posts. He's so petty and spiteful I don't know why she puts up with him tbh.

He got so jealous about her getting 50 'likes' on a facebook post last week - about a dozen from men she has on there - that he has started firing random messages (just saying 'hi, hope you're well!') at ex-female work colleagues that he has had fuckall to do with for a year or two!

And he has also fired messages at a few female friends of their DC who he has never actually met ... (they're in their late 20s/early 30s but still fiercely odd and desperate.) He is hoping to make some new friends and preferably female.

He also loathes it when she sees their adult DC and grandkids without him -- so she lies and says she is just driving to the river and going for a walk.

People who love and care for their partners don't behave like this.

I’m baffled by this notion that because I partnered up with someone, I cease to be an individual in my own right. It’s very odd.

There’s a world of difference between regularly excluding anyone not ‘blood-related’ and making them feel very unwelcome when they are tolerated, and being part of a big, messy extended family with different relationships within it. Usually if you’re sensitive to an issue like this it’s because (as in the OP’s husband’s case) of something in your own upbringing.

The men who 'like' my friend's posts are just work colleagues, and friends by the way.

I think you've answered your own question - one is family and one is an old friend (hence not family).

But in terms of the adult relationship you have with each individual person @JacquelineCarlyle?

Not the relationship in the sense of ‘on paper, how are you related?’ But in the sense of ‘When we interact with each other on a human level’

What makes it OK to see an old friend (person) you’ve known since childhood one on one, and it not OK to see your parent (person) who you’ve known since childhood one on one?

People who love and care for their partners don't behave like this.*

Especially when one of their partner’s parents is dying. This would be hard to come back from if it were me.

Yanbu. They enjoy an activity which happens to be quite expensive and it's lovely that they invite you and sibling

Is he depressed or something I bought my friend a gift for her birthday and her husband replied that that wasn’t right because I wanted her to look nice and not him - A few months later he was diagnosed with clinical depression so we forgive the comment, kind of.

I wouldn't say anything to my parents about this set up, it has absolutely nothing to do with him. If he wants to take the dc to the Harvester and a theme park, that's up to him. I'd be going to the theatre. I'm sure your parents enjoy it.
My mil takes dh out to golf when she's here, I'm glad to get rid of them her out the house.

I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around
Laughing at this!
Me and DH have tons more money than my adult sons. We are not quite retired but even then we are miles better off than them. We certainly have more disposable income as they are paying mortgages and we’re not.

Me and DH regularly go to gigs without their partners and I’m more than happy to pay the tickets. We went last week to see Paradise Lost at the academy and we’ve got tickets for Yard Act soon as well as about 4 other concerts over the next few months.
The partners are not interested in going to gigs unless it’s someone they are really into and the two women usually meet up and have a ‘pornstar martini night’ while we are out.

If that is weird I’m ok with that, the women are ok with that and so are the lads.

Ds1 partner often goes out with her mum to Manchester and is treated to loads of stuff. DS is pleased for her. They enjoy going to Selfridges, Harvey Nics for shopping, lunch at the Ivy and a few cocktails to finish. It doesn’t cost partner a penny. DS would never in a million years start bleating on about how unfair it is because for starters , it’s not!

I find OPs partner utterly ridiculous and quite pathetic tbh. I would lose respect for him.

This is bizarre. And there are some strange posts on this thread. Fancy thinking that just because you're married that means you can't see or do stuff with your parents alone! How ridiculous is that? Not everyone is entitled to an invitation to everything just because they happen to be married to someone who does get an invitation!

Your DH sounds like an arsehole and if this attitude continued I'd be reevaluating the relationship. It's extremely unattractive and frankly disgusting that he's tried to give you an ultimatum over it.

Sit him down and tell him how you feel (and us Mners).

No compromises from you. Leave it then and see if his attitude changes. Otherwise I would pack his bags

I think your DH sounds like he has lots of good qualities, looking at the start he had in life and his care for his gran and your gran. You also sound lovely. Hopefully you can talk to him and sort this out. It's so sad your dad is on "borrowed" time so you obviously need to spend lots of time with him, given the love you have for each other, but I really think this is a discuss it situation rather than a LTB situation. Your 2 backgrounds are very different, but it sounds like you had real respect for him and hopefully he did for you too. Good luck.

For me the question is do they ever treat the whole family or welcome along DH and kids regularly to other things?

It's one thing if the smaller events are a rarity, another if they basically dodge ever spending time with the DH & grandkids.

Yanbu and I would be reevaluation the relationship.

The backstory about his mum changes nothing.

You should be able to see your parents solo and he shouldn't be shitty and jealous about it. It's a lovely thing for them and you to do together.

he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema

So he has designs on your parents money and knows how he'd like to spend it???

Why doesn't he organise this "dream" day out? Which would be actually be shit for your parents who presumably don't want to wander for miles round a too hot the park in the sun....

Whatever happens insist on going on these outings it is lovely your parents do this and it's time you never get back

@Bringsexyback

Is he depressed or something I bought my friend a gift for her birthday and her husband replied that that wasn’t right because I wanted her to look nice and not him - A few months later he was diagnosed with clinical depression so we forgive the comment, kind of.

Sorry…I don’t understand this. What did you give her?