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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 20/02/2022 10:56

So it’s his way or the high way.

He, like many people on mumsnet, thinks everyone should behave and think exactly like he does.

Your parents shouldn’t enjoy the company of their adult children doing the things they love.

He lacks imagination. He needs to widen his perspectives and try to see things from others viewpoint. But so many people on here try to enforce their values and perspective on there swell - there will be people who cannot understand any viewpoint other then their own.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 10:57

@JacquelineCarlyle So, what distinguishes an adult relationship with your own parents from an adult relationship with an old friend you’ve known since childhood?

planningtomakeaplan · 20/02/2022 10:57

Ah, sorry I posted before seeing your update.

It does sound like his attitude to this stems from unresolved trauma from his childhood, doesn't it.

He's still being a knob! But perhaps there is hope, if you want there to be?

Would you consider couples counselling?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 20/02/2022 10:58

Your parents sound lovely. I hope im able to take my children out as adults. Just spend wonderful weekend with 1 of my teenage children and hope we do this for years to come. It will always be my treat.

frazzledasarock · 20/02/2022 10:58

So OP is your H going to stop spending time and money on your dc once they’ve grown up and only dip back in when they have children?

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 20/02/2022 10:58

Sounds like your dh is trying to manipulate you. If he doesn't enjoy theatre, and sil doesn't mind your brother going, then what's wrong in your parents taking you and your brother with them?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 20/02/2022 10:58

Is he worried that yours/his inheritance is being spent??

MoonOnASpoon · 20/02/2022 10:59

And also it’s not pretentious at all to go to the theatre and a fancy dinner out if you genuinely enjoy it, which you all do. Another example of how your H is so selfish and immature he can’t imagine anyone having a different view of something to his own.

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/02/2022 11:00

@daisym00n

I'm very surprised at all the responses saying YANBU. I can’t imagine my parents just taking out me and my sister whilst we leave our husbands and kids at home. They consider us all to be one big family now. I expect your husband feels excluded rather than jealous.
My dad took my sister and I to a concert and dinner just the other week. My DH doesn't like the kind of music we were going to enjoy and the concert didn't finish until 11pm so far too late for my 8yo DD. Should I not have gone/dragged DH along to not enjoy it/have my DD up far too late?

People continue to be their own separate entity even after marriage.

Puffalicious · 20/02/2022 11:00

I make three NoSquirrels

It's a sad existence when couples are joined at the bloody hip.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 20/02/2022 11:01

What a self-centred reaction. He's completely U. Their money their choice. Its lovely that your parents are able to do thus, and that you can get together as a family. He should be pleased for you, not jealous.

FlamingoQueen · 20/02/2022 11:01

I would love to go out just with my parents and siblings. This will not happen as sadly my DM is no longer with us and it wouldn’t be the same with DSM (although she is lovely). No kids, no partners - a night at the theatre and a meal - bliss!
Do not give up these nights! I think you would regret it.

Juniper68 · 20/02/2022 11:02

He's being a dick.

Is there anything you like about him?

TimeForTeaAndG · 20/02/2022 11:03

OP I think it's lovely that you have something that you can enjoy with your parents. They are obviously getting on in years so this will be the kind of thing you can look back on fondly.

Your DH is being an arse. Crap pub and a theme park is in no way comparable to nice dinner and a show.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 20/02/2022 11:03

But if he and SIL come it is the extra price of tickets plus finding babysitters etc. If it's the whole family it is a different style of restaurant and different sort of show changing the dynamic completely. He is a complete dick. I would love to do this and often think it's sad I don't see my brothers without our attached family (and I say that coming from a position where I like them all!)

Kitkat151 · 20/02/2022 11:03

He sounds like a wanker.....I often go the pub with my 3 adult children ( without partners or grandies) .....next week the 3 of us are taking my Mum out for the day .....I spend lots and lots of time with my GC....I see my SIL about once a week..... I buy him a birthday present and Christmas present.....apart from that he get no ‘other treats’ ......of course if I am buying a family meal I include him.....but then he will reciprocate at a later time.

Juniper68 · 20/02/2022 11:03

He's a dick.

Is there anything you like about him?

pictish · 20/02/2022 11:04

I wouldn’t even issue him an ultimatum. I’d simply and bluntly tell him that I don’t agree with him and that I am going. That would be the end of the discussion my end. He could do and say what he likes…if it becomes a performance from his end he’d be starring in it alone. You’ll see how he values your personal enrichment as your partner.

SpinsForGin · 20/02/2022 11:05

@HufflepuffPride

I’m going against the grain here, but I’m with your DH. I also find it a bit odd. I’m single but my DB is married with a baby and there is no way my parents would exclude DSIL or my niece from any kind of family meal. It’s almost as though they are saying they don’t see your DH or DSIL and your kids as part of their family.
So 4 people who enjoy a particular activity have to either invite someone who doesn't enjoy that activity to join them or stop doing that activity to please someone else? Sounds ridiculous to me 🤷🏼‍♀️
Bullandbush · 20/02/2022 11:05

@vbnm89. I think if your dh sees treats as luxuries and unnecessary even when he/other people can afford them then you have an uphill struggle here.
My dp’s had a neighbour like this, his wife was the most generous person and eventually couldn’t live with his controlling way over finances.
After their divorce he married a wealthy widow!

amusedbush · 20/02/2022 11:06

I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around.

It depends how old the parents are. I'm in my early 30s and DB is in his mid 20s. We are both married, own houses, have jobs, etc but our parents (late 50s/early 60s) still work full-time and have wayyy more disposable income than us. They love to treat us and whenever either of us has offered to pay, they won't hear of it. I swear, I've never even bought myself a coffee when I'm with my mum because she pretends to go to the toilet and comes back with fresh drinks.

My parents were on the absolute bones on their arse for years and want us to have what they didn't. They're not well-off by any means but they're comfortable, generous and hate taking our money even in the form of birthday gifts.

I also know someone slightly younger than me who took his mum on an all expenses paid trip to New York because she is on a low income and could never afford to go herself. What's normal for one person is weird for another, I guess!

TolkiensFallow · 20/02/2022 11:06

Oh my goodness, just read your update.

Your dad has incurable cancer, he feels like he’s on borrowed time and he wants to take his daughter to theatre for some quality time.

And your husband feels this is unfair on him?

This actually made me well up.

I’m going to be honest OP and I rarely share anything personal on here. My dad died recently, he was awful and never even sent me a birthday card for 50 years. The idea of your dad wanting to spend time in your company and treating you is absolutely lovely - and everything I ever wanted - so don’t even contemplate that your husband has a point.

Spend time with your dad, you will never regret it xx

Twinklights · 20/02/2022 11:06

I would have a massive issue with anyone who would say I could not spend time with my parents alone with my brothers a couple of times a year. It’s also a nice opportunity for you to do things you enjoy that he quite clearly does not.

It is also hideous of him considering your dad has incurable cancer. I would be reevaluating my relationship if I were you. He also sounds controlling with this sentence,

‘he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us’ .
At the very least do not let him stop you going out with your parents without him. It sounds like something you would really miss out on.

candycane222 · 20/02/2022 11:07

Seeing your update op it seems as though he feels he's being overlooked by 'the parents' all over again. So his reaction is more comprehensible, but still not justifiable. He needs to sort / heal this injury inside himself, or he will continue to harm his marriage by lashing out irrationally when that wound is touched, like he is doing over this.

RedPanda17 · 20/02/2022 11:07

This is so wholesome and your DH is a dick. I cannot imagine my DH being anything other than happy I got to do an activity I enjoy with people I love.

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