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Original poster

Dh is jealous of my parents treating me

581 replies

vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 08:38

My parents are in their late 70's and have had a tough couple of years
My dad isn't well but is doing OK. They enjoy good food and theatre. So a couple of times a year they treat my brother and me to a theatre show and a meal out. My husband doesn't like this - I think it is jealousy- he says it is selfish of my parents to exclude him and my SIL and the grandchildren.

My dh hates eating out and theatre so he wouldn't enjoy it. Obviously this is quite expensive and he says that the money would be better spent on taking us all out for a lunch in harvester and to a theme park/ cinema as they are purposely excluding grandchildren and son and daughter in law.

My parents see us and my brothers family regularly but also enjoy going out and as just the four of us and doing something the four of us enjoy . Dh says he thinks it is very odd that PIL want to spend (in his opinion waste) money on being pretentious and purposely excluding the extended family. I think he is over reacting but he says they are selfish and next time they invite me out I say it is all of us or none of us. My SIL loves these days as she gets my brother out of her way for a day!! Opinions please.

OP posts:
Original poster
vbnm89 · 20/02/2022 10:46

@Mellowyellow222

Oh dear OP your husband is a selfish immature dick.

I always wonder how women find themselves in this situation- was it obvious before you married him?

Not really no. He was the grandson of my gran's best friend and he was so lovely to my gran as well as his nan. There is a bit of a back story as he didn't get on with his mum because she felt he was always vying for her attention and she was more into doing things for her husband my DH's dad than her children. He was never taken anywhere by his parents as a child, He became very close to his nan as a result and his sisters way of coping was going off the rails. He was desperate to leave home so he got a part time job at 13 and buy the age of 23 he owned his own house. He will do anything to help anyone. He bought his first house at 19 and I think I was mesmerized by this guy in his 20's being so loving and caring to his nan and the fact he had his own house and car!!! He also did so much to help my nan when she was alive as we lived in the same town and my dad is and always will be eternally grateful to him for this.

You could have intelligent conversations with him (looking back usually about money, snobbery and investments!!) and was not immature like alot of men in their early 20's. He was very thrifty which I liked originally as was so different from how I was brought up. My parents have money and spend it on nice things which looking back he has never liked. His grandparents spent time with their grandchildren not their adult children and he finds it odd my parents wanting to spend time with us and not their grandchildren. He wouldn't have a problem if my parents gave all their grandchildren £50 each or took them to legoland - it is treating their adult children to something he thinks is pretentious that he doesn't like.

OP posts:
username1293948 · 20/02/2022 10:47

He sounds horrible 🙄 ask HIM to finance these trips out if he’s so bothered

angieloumc · 20/02/2022 10:48

Rosebel don't be ridiculous, of course it isn't a 'fuck you' because TWICE a year they go to the theatre and for a meal. Unless the OP says differently there are probably other times that they are all together.
Are you not a person in your own right? Or do you ALWAYS come as a pair with jour husband?

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 10:48

What is wrong with going out with the whole family?
Nothing at all. And OP doesn’t say they never go out as a whole family.
Maybe I'm just strange to enjoy spending time with my parents and husband.
You’re not. I like it too. I also like solo time with my parents.
It's a real fuck you to DH and SIL. A real we don't see you as part of the family.
It’s not! It’s just not inviting them to the theatre. Because at least one of them doesn’t enjoy it. And the other is delighted to stay home apparently.

cherryonthecakes · 20/02/2022 10:48

He is being massively unreasonable and extremely miserable

How often does he look after the kids on his own? I'm assuming that he's bitter about looking after them while you go out but you're not doing anything wrong by going out with your parents. The frequency is very reasonable and he should be happy that you're out doing what you enjoy but he doesn't.

PickAChew · 20/02/2022 10:48

If he wants to go to a theme park or harvester he's welcome to organise and pay for it, himself.

He's being an arse.

amusedbush · 20/02/2022 10:49

He sounds like a complete arsehole, to be honest. I'm sure he has some redeeming qualities or else you wouldn't have been with him for so long but from what you've said here, he's selfish, petty and tight as a duck's arse.

The sneering comments about the theatre being pretentious paint him in a very unattractive light. It also reads like he doesn't actually give a shit about spending time with your family, he just wants your parents to fund a day out for him. He's bitter that you get something for nothing, so to speak, and he doesn't.

The fact that he's saying this while your father is terminally ill is unforgivable. What a horrid, greedy little man.

Trueblues · 20/02/2022 10:50

I think it’s lovely your parents do this.

mrstea301 · 20/02/2022 10:50

I think it's a lovely tradition that your family has! Why should you change it because your 'D'H doesn't enjoy doing those things? It's not like you're doing it every weekend!

ElegantlyTouched · 20/02/2022 10:50

Your DH is a right miser, isn't he? There's nothing wrong with your DPs going out with their children once in a while - the addition of OHs and GC gives a completely different dynamic and it's nice to have the variety.

I don't often say this but I'd consider LTB in your shoes. Not for this issue but your last update, do you want to spend your life never being able to experience nice things just because you're married to a miserable grump? And he'll just get worse.

diddl · 20/02/2022 10:51

"He thinks eating out and a decent wine is snobby and pretentious and always has as well as a complete waste of money"

We are a lot better off than our parents were when we were kids & I sometimes still find it hard to spend money that we can easily afford.

So I get the not wanting to spend or spend on cheaper-that said-it's not his money.

Does he think that your parents are frittering away money that he is hoping will come to you/him?

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2022 10:51

There is a bit of a back story as he didn't get on with his mum because she felt he was always vying for her attention and she was more into doing things for her husband my DH's dad than her children.
That’ll be it, then.
He’s got his own shit to get over. Ignore him as kindly (but firmly) as you can muster.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/02/2022 10:51

@Rosebel
Omg how is it a fuck you to SIL and her DP?? When you get into a relationship, even when you get married, you are still two separate individual people who had lives etc before meeting the other. You do not become some kind of unit incapable of going out without the other and an invite to something for just one of you is not something to be offended by or to refuse or a ‘fuck you’ to the other person. I really think people who feel that way need to get a life and individuate a bit because if that relationship were to end for whatever reason you’d be fucked.

Op I don’t think you and your parents are being unreasonable at all. Why should the way your parents spend their money be dictated by your husband? Why should they do a meal in a harvester followed by cinema or whatever (which lets face it, sounds crap compared to theatre and nice meal in restaurant by most adults definitions) just to appease him and your kids??!

PickAChew · 20/02/2022 10:52

And say he wants to go to the pub with his mates, it would be a bit odd if you insisted you and the kids tag along and it has to be a family friendly pub because you're a family and should do everything as a single unit. This is no different.

amusedbush · 20/02/2022 10:53

Sorry, I missed your last post and based on that, I would suggest he needs to unpack his shit in therapy. Seriously.

He saved money as a trauma response to his upbringing and he has spent your whole relationships judging your family for having a different dynamic to his poor upbringing. He will suck the happiness out of you and he needs to work on himself with a trained professional.

Cantleave · 20/02/2022 10:53

My dh was a bit like this. My dm used to take me (I didn’t have a car) and the kids for days out and it used to annoy him that we weren’t in when he got home from work. There was always a meal left in the fridge for him to eat, but he thought I shouldn’t be ‘gallivanting’ while he worked.

He would have hated where we went (beach, castles, museums etc.), which my kids loved and was actually really educational for them. The only time we went to one of these places, with him, he was bored and wanted to leave after an hour! Did we stop going because of him? No, and neither should you stop these trips with your parents.

planningtomakeaplan · 20/02/2022 10:53

He thinks eating out and a decent wine is snobby and pretentious and always has as well as a complete waste of money

Your DH has a serious chip on his shoulder / attitude problem.

To not like wine or eating out is fair enough. I mean, personally I think he's missing out, but different strokes for different folks, right?

But to then extrapolate that into saying that no one should enjoy it because he doesn't get it, is nuts.

And to take that as far as saying your terminally ill father shouldn't get to enjoy something he loves, and should instead spend his money on Harvester, so he can be invited too is self absorbed beyond belief, bordering on cruel.

Sorry OP, but what a knob.

Is he passing these attitudes on to your DC too? What else does he think does he think is too "pretentious" to waste time or money on?

Jewel52 · 20/02/2022 10:53

Think it’s sad that he can’t allow you to enjoy anything outside of your domestic life with him. Clearly a jealous person. I wouldn’t mention this to your parents at all as it would bring a taint to an otherwise lovely thing

pinkfondu · 20/02/2022 10:53

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

My first instinct is to say fuck your husband, and to be honest I'll stick with that!

frazzledasarock · 20/02/2022 10:53

It isn’t a snub to the spouses and grandkids.

Thinking about it. I hope when my dc are all grown up I can take them out a couple of times a year and go to the theatre and have dinner together. We’ve done it as tradition as the dc have been growing up and would love to continue it when their lives are busy and they’ve got their own lives.

Why would I ever take a family tradition to be a snub to me. I know my IL’s love me and my DC, they can and should be able to continue their individual relationship with their own children without having me and my kids tagging along every time.

It’s so weird getting angry and taking it personally that a family want to spend time together twice a year.

I do agree with another PP, do those who are outraged by this also insist on tagging along to adult friend gatherings with their P’s and kids?

pictish · 20/02/2022 10:53

@NoSquirrels

What is wrong with going out with the whole family? Nothing at all. And OP doesn’t say they never go out as a whole family. Maybe I'm just strange to enjoy spending time with my parents and husband. You’re not. I like it too. I also like solo time with my parents. It's a real fuck you to DH and SIL. A real we don't see you as part of the family. It’s not! It’s just not inviting them to the theatre. Because at least one of them doesn’t enjoy it. And the other is delighted to stay home apparently.
Thank you. I wasn’t arsed to reply to this poster because I couldn’t be bothered to type up one plus one makes two. Exactly, exactly…
RightOnTheEdge · 20/02/2022 10:54

@Puffalicious it was going round in my head when I kept reading 'we are a unit!'

OfstedOffred · 20/02/2022 10:55

it is treating their adult children to something he thinks is pretentious that he doesn't like.

This is just a family difference though. I find it weird when people's parents treat adult children too. Most older people have retired and have less money than working age people so it kind of makes no sense! I would pay for my parents, not the other way around.

And I find it a bit weird your snobbery around your DH not liking a "decent" wine. My family like wine, but my BiL isn't bothered really, my family would never be judgey about this, we always get a few of the beers BiL prefers in! Because we like BiL, he's part of the family, we want him to enjoy our family gatherings. It's not exactly a mark of character to be choosy about wine, not everyone has the same palate.

There are different ways to be about money and that's fine, but i think a happy marriage usually requires you be on the same page about stuff, whichever page that is, and it sounds like you and your DH arent.

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/02/2022 10:55

@NoSquirrels

To everyone who says their spouse must always be invited to everything involving ‘family’ - is this true of your other adult relationships too? Friendships etc.?
In my case, no, not at all, but then they're not family get togethers which is what makes this different.

That said, the Op's update makes her husband sound awful and that they're truly incompatible!

MoonOnASpoon · 20/02/2022 10:56

I come from a dysfunctional family and never had a good relationship with my parents - I’d absolutely love parents like yours! And if I had them, I’d want them to have these times with their DC in the way they preferred, doing what they wanted. It’s not just their treat to you, though that’s lovely - it’s about precious times for them.

Your H needs to wake up and realise it’s not all about him. No one owes him a day out. People in couples go off and do things with their friends on their own don’t they? - that’s normal. Both of a couple/the kids are not always invited and it’s fine. A night out with your parents and brother without anyone else is fine. Does your H think if he goes out with his mates to something you and the kids wouldn’t enjoy, they should all go to a theme park instead and invite you?

Please don’t refuse to go or give them an ultimatum - I’d be giving the ultimatum to H, he stops being ridiculous and controlling or you leave him (but I know that’s easier said than done).