to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

I would not be at all happy if a man, however charming he was, was allowed to stay overnight in a maternity or other female ward. I absolutely hated being in hospital when I had both of mine as men seemed to be dropping in all hours of the day and night to see their partners and I was told that I could not draw my curtains.

I should add that I would complain loudly if it happened again this evening.

He was allowed the op just didn’t know it.

From my experience giving birth during COVID if the partner refuses to go/ kicks up a fuss the staff on the ward will not say anything and let male
Partners stay because they don’t want the hassle of explaining

@Thedogscollar
Awful and my dp was not allowed to stay with me, so I was on my own in a ward with new babies while lossing mine, the was my first miscarriage have went on to have another 3 and avoid the hospital like the plaque.

@Icantgetalifeifmyheartsnotinit

Someone complained - loudly to the midwives - about a friend of mine having her husband on the prenatal ward with her - she was in very early induced labour with her baby who had died and was stillborn.

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

This.

There is clearly a tension between a woman who needs/wants her partner's support and women who don't want strange men on a ward where they may feel vulnerable (examinations, pessaries, walking to the toilet with blood streaming down their legs)

So what is the answer? Clearly the first answer is that units like this need to try as much as they can to separate some things: post- and ante-natal; miscarrying women and labouring women; women who want/need their partner there and women who don't want men there.

In this case, for OP, it seems natural to have a reaction to a man being there when her own husband has been sent away. Given that nobody is owed details of someone else's circs, there should at least be a courtesy explanation by the staff that this man will be there.

The impression i get from some posters here is that "if i want/need my DH there, fuck the other women who don't want him there" which is clearly a bit one-sided and not entirely supportive of those other women, while expecting their support in putting up with a strange man there overnight.

It's definitely a conundrum though.

You don’t know her situation or the reason he stayed.

You don’t know if she has any additional needs (deafness, English as a second language) etc and May need him there for support.

Have some compassion. There may be reasons. My first child was stillborn. We found out at full term she’d died so my partner OBVIOUSLY stayed in with me. Luckily we had a private room but could easily have ended up on a ward had it been busier.

My DH was able to stay with me on the pre-natal ward (which was actually just a bay off the normal post-natal ward) when I was being induced. I didn't need him to so he went home as it wasn't far but he was able to stay if he wanted and I appreciated that as things can change very quickly. Quite a few of the women (it was an 8-bed bay) had their partners there overnight and it didn't occur to me to mind. I had privacy and actually, it was nice to have other people to talk to when I was pacing the ward in the early hours.

Most hospital trusts will not tell you about a patient's circumstances but you are entitled to complain if you feel uncomfortable especially if you are there for a while. I will advise that hospitals do allow men as patients on female wards if they choose to ID as a female even if they have not transitioned and they will not tell you if a male is currently on your ward so you may not get very far with a complaint. If you want some advice or help you can message Milli Hill (positive birthing expert) or Kellie Jay Keen (Standing for Women) and they can help. They are currently fighting this rule

There must be medical reason why he is allowed to stay , perhaps the baby had died in her womb and awaiting surgery , maybe she has mental health issues,maybe she’s had a series of miscarriage, maybe there isn’t a side room available . I’m sure there is a valid reason for this but you will not be told of it .

Honestly, posters on here have the most fertile imaginations.

Normally women having a miscarriage or still birth will be in a private room. It maybe the bed availability is limited and a private room isn't available but as OP says the couple seem quite cheerful it seems likely this isn't the case. Deaf. A prisoner. Special needs.

The overwhelming likelihood is she has a perfectly normal pregnancy and is being induced. Women in labour, including in early labour, should be accommodated separately from women who are on the antenatal ward for observation/medical reasons and are not in labour. Who deserve and need rest, especially if they have pre-eclampsia.

I feel sorry for OP, who should be able to rest and sleep in peace and is entitled to privacy and single sex accommodation.

If she needs him there for support for whatever reason they should have a private room, it’s totally inappropriate for a man to sleep overnight on a female ward. I work in a hospital and from my experience if the patient or family member kicks off enough they will usually give in, and I don’t agree with it.

@Repecka

You don’t know her situation or the reason he stayed.

You don’t know if she has any additional needs (deafness, English as a second language) etc and May need him there for support.

We don't, but it's kind of obvious if they're in the bay next to you whether the woman is deaf or speaks English. The answer is to discreetly ask the midwife if husbands are allowed at this hour. No private info disclosed, no confrontation.

You'd also be able to hear the heartbeat monitor, and hear what midwives are saying etc.

@Viviennemary

I totally disagree with males staying overnight on shared hospital wards. Not on. Complain.

Yep, completely unacceptable. Complain.

If it’s the hospital by the university then I can quite imagine it. I have 4DC, only the youngest was born there and it’s is the most horrific hospital Ivr ever had the misfortune to grace. Self discharged day after dc4 was born due to horrific care and they wouldn’t even let DH in to help me carry the baby and my things out!

I am so so glad that partners weren’t allowed to stay when I had mine. I was always thrilled when visiting hours were over and the chatter stopped and I could have peace with my baby. I hated hobbling to the loo clutching my c-section wound when the dads were there sitting there staring because baby was sleeping and they’d ran out of conversation with wife. Poor you. I’ve got my 23 yr old on our family health insurance, at least she won’t have to go through this dads all night shite.

London calling. Health insurance doesn’t cover having a baby. Hope you actually live in london because that’s just about the only place you have one privately in the UK.

I had this when I had my child. Some women sneezed her husband in all night. The nurse woke me up at 4am screaming at them because she’d found him!

It was hilarious!!!!

@ShamedBySiri

People with complex and additional needs that the hospital cannot or will not meet are fully entitled to reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act. In my experience, hospitals prefer a family member or paid carer because it eases their pressures and their budgets.

Yes it is common for people with eg dementia or learning difficulties or other specific problems requiring full time care to have their carer with them in hospital and normally they would be accommodated in a single room, certainly at the hospital where I work.

However I think it's rather strange to assume that a woman on an antenatal ward has this level of need, or even, as one pp suggested, a prisoner accompanied by a warden. Not saying it's not possible but it's the least likely scenario and if any of that was the case they ought to be in a single room though maybe the hospital doesn't have single rooms available.

I didn’t assume, I was responding to another poster. I didn’t say this was the case in the OP’s situation either. Women with learning disabilities often have babies actually. Anyway, I was responding to another posters point..

I thought it was normal. My husband stayed the night on a chair when I was induced. ( a month before the first lockdown) feel bad now hadn't occurred to me it might upset someone else! I wasn't the only one with a partner there tho