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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 20/02/2022 12:33

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@hugr

Could say the same about other women wanting a safe women only space whilst vulnerable[/quote]
It’s not automatically unsafe in a ward with others and staff as a man is helping his Labouring partner for goodness sake.

Jtb5790 · 20/02/2022 12:36

Do you know the circumstances?

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 12:39

@Clymene

And what we should be fighting for is great maternity care for all women. Delivered by HCPs, not partners.
Absolutely. The system has failed if it depends on partners to provide care. It wouldn’t even be difficult - passing babies, fetching tea and meals and help to the shower doesn’t need qualified midwives. A few HCAs would sort the problem out.
buzzy06 · 20/02/2022 12:42

@Muckymaisonette

To clarify It wasn’t my husband who ate it. I arrived on the post natal ward starving after an elective caesarean. The puppy-dog eyes husband was obviously “Mr Popular” the life and soul of the ward, bantering with the staff (rather than just letting them like get on with caring duties).
That man was unbelievably rude.

I thought queuing up behind men after having just given birth was bad- I'd be furious! @Muckymaisonette

MotherOfWhippets · 20/02/2022 12:52

I would def want to make it known that you don't feel comfortable.

I was on a gynae ward a couple of years ago. The woman opposite me (who was able to walk outside and have a fag every hour etc so didn't need caring for anymore than anyone else there) had her partner there permanently. He kept staring at me - I was so unwell and at one point I stood up and flooded all over the bed so I had to walk in front of him dripping blood all down myself and across the floor to get to the bathroom. I got called miserable when I shut the curtains and the staff kept yanking them back.

It's absolute bullshit.

ShamedBySiri · 20/02/2022 13:25

And honestly, as much as you’re right, it’s highly unlikely the op is at risk in a ward with three other women, one of whom is his partner in labour and staff on site. I mean yes, it could be he’s a mad rapist and will attempt to rape a heavily pregnant woman in Labour with other people round Inc his partner, but let’s face it, it’s highly unlikely.

He doesn't have to be a rapist, women don't like being watched/stared at by a man who isn't their partner. He might be handy with his mobile phone posting breast pictures etc if he can get them. Or he could just give creepy feelz.
Or he might be a perfectly polite likeable chap. That's the whole point.

tiktokontheclock · 20/02/2022 13:28

Also when I was on the ward and another man was allowed to stay, the nurses told him the next day to stop helping himself to the breakfast which was there for women only. Found it quite amusing as obviously he was taking a much larger portion than anyone there.

Chestofdraws · 20/02/2022 13:29

Good god, there’s nothing to say he’s watching the op and quite frankly why would she have her naked breasts out in a pre natal ward in front of him?

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 13:32

@Chestofdraws

Good god, there’s nothing to say he’s watching the op and quite frankly why would she have her naked breasts out in a pre natal ward in front of him?
Completely missing the point. Why don’t we want men in women’s loos? After all, we’re all in cubicles, aren’t we? There’s something deeply misogynistic about women who are defending this total abuse of what should be a single sex space.
Chestofdraws · 20/02/2022 13:36

That’s the thing, you think it should be a single sex space, I do not and fully support if a labouring woman needs her partner there with her.

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 13:45

@Chestofdraws

That’s the thing, you think it should be a single sex space, I do not and fully support if a labouring woman needs her partner there with her.
Of course your partner should be with you in labour. Then he should go home. There should be enough staff to look after women and babies in antenatal and postnatal care. Maternity services have really gone backwards, they were the height of luxury 50 years ago by comparison.
Brefugee · 20/02/2022 14:04

You don't know why he's there so just let it go.

no. That is just #BeKind and telling woman to STFU when they are uncomfortable.

I would expect that if there was a reason a man was going to be in a room where i was sleeping, in hospital - i would be
a) informed in advance
and
b) given the option not to be in there.

When i was having my miscarriage i was put in a room with a woman, complete with husband, who was in noisy fucking rapturous labour. My DH had to be at home with our toddler so i was alone.

And it was awful. None of the staff had an issue moving them to another room and apologised that it had happened.

newname12345 · 20/02/2022 14:51

@Blossomtoes How does it work for babies that need neonatal care for a significant amount of time? Do fathers get excluded from spending time with their children until they get discharged?

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 15:27

[quote newname12345]@Blossomtoes How does it work for babies that need neonatal care for a significant amount of time? Do fathers get excluded from spending time with their children until they get discharged?[/quote]
Neonatal care isn’t a maternity ward, it’s paediatrics. The patients are all tiny babies.

JacquelineCarlyle · 20/02/2022 15:38

@Soul11Soul

It really doesn't matter if she has good reason to have her partner there. No woman who is medically and physically vulnerable should be made to sleep in a room with a man who is unknown to her without her permission. She should have been offered a different space in which to sleep or the couple should have.
Absolutely this!
Squidgames4U · 20/02/2022 15:46

When I was in pre natal being induced, ward of four, one woman had her partner stay.

Turned out their baby had died and they were waiting for induction. I'd have felt terrible if I had complained.

Jijithecat · 20/02/2022 15:47

@Chestofdraws

Good god, there’s nothing to say he’s watching the op and quite frankly why would she have her naked breasts out in a pre natal ward in front of him?
I didn't have my boobs out in the antenatal ward, but I did have an internal examination, a pessary inserted and a pethadine injection in my buttocks. All with just a flimsy curtain between myself that didn't go all the way around the bed and lots of other random people who were just visiting. This is in direct contrast to when I go for a smear test, when the nurse locks the door of the room and allows me to get undressed behind a curtain, providing me with a blanket to put over my lap before asking if I'm ready for them to come in.

Some people feel vulnerable in states of undress in unfamiliar situations. Perhaps you don't but maybe try and see things from someone else's perspective. People shouldn't just have to put up with a situation that is making them feel uneasy.

newname12345 · 20/02/2022 15:54

@Blossomtoes Neonatal care is not part of pediatrics..

To quote the NHS website "Special care for babies is sometimes provided on the ordinary postnatal ward and sometimes in a specialist newborn (neonatal) area."

Thedogscollar · 20/02/2022 16:05

[quote newname12345]@Blossomtoes Neonatal care is not part of pediatrics..

To quote the NHS website "Special care for babies is sometimes provided on the ordinary postnatal ward and sometimes in a specialist newborn (neonatal) area."[/quote]
We have babies on our postnatal ward under the umbrella of neonatal care, babies on IV abx being cared for by the midwives with regular observations throughout the day and night. The more prem or poorly babies remain in NNU receiving the specialist care they require.

Babyghirl · 20/02/2022 16:10

@Ofstedoffred
What you say is so true, I was going though a miscarriage bleeding bad kept in over night and they put me on the pnw with new babies awful to say the least.

Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 16:20

[quote newname12345]@Blossomtoes Neonatal care is not part of pediatrics..

To quote the NHS website "Special care for babies is sometimes provided on the ordinary postnatal ward and sometimes in a specialist newborn (neonatal) area."[/quote]
It is.

Thedogscollar · 20/02/2022 16:25

[quote Babyghirl]@Ofstedoffred
What you say is so true, I was going though a miscarriage bleeding bad kept in over night and they put me on the pnw with new babies awful to say the least.[/quote]
That is shocking and I am truly sorry you had to endure that.
On our unit we have a dedicated bereavement suite away from the ward.

Chestofdraws · 20/02/2022 16:43

For me the minuscule chance man is a risk on a ward with other people present and staff on site, when he’s supporting his labouring partner, is far far outweighed by the needs of the woman.

I cannot believe some people would deny a woman that support, becayse they perceive men to be a risk in this situation.

The overwhelming majority of men, by by far are not about to rape, assault or attack heavily pregnant women, when others are around them and their partner is right there and in Labour, nor are they trying to take sneaky shots of their breasts.

Yes, there is a tiny tiny risk, but the needs of the mother are far greater and our approach to risk needs to be rationalised and balanced.

cinci · 20/02/2022 16:45

@Chestofdraws

For me the minuscule chance man is a risk on a ward with other people present and staff on site, when he’s supporting his labouring partner, is far far outweighed by the needs of the woman.

I cannot believe some people would deny a woman that support, becayse they perceive men to be a risk in this situation.

The overwhelming majority of men, by by far are not about to rape, assault or attack heavily pregnant women, when others are around them and their partner is right there and in Labour, nor are they trying to take sneaky shots of their breasts.

Yes, there is a tiny tiny risk, but the needs of the mother are far greater and our approach to risk needs to be rationalised and balanced.

There's those who don't like men at all but this thread started with one husband staying on when nobody else is allowed, so there's two issues
Blossomtoes · 20/02/2022 16:48

For me the minuscule chance man is a risk on a ward with other people present and staff on site, when he’s supporting his labouring partner, is far far outweighed by the needs of the woman

Which woman’s “needs” take priority? The one who wants her husband around 24/7 or the one who doesn’t want men in her private space?

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