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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

451 replies

isthisnormal12 · 19/02/2022 20:39

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

OP posts:
3mmaH · 20/02/2022 10:28

I think OP you were right to ask the policy and it’s a shame you weren’t told it when you were admitted so you knew what to expect.

I’d say equally if it’s disturbing crucial rest it would be absolutely fine to ask the midwives if they could have a sensitive word with the couple, I’m guessing the noise is disturbing other women too, at a time when all need their rest.

I agree with PP that it’s a shame that our NHS doesn’t have sufficient rooms or staff at times to provide the care needed.

When my youngest DS was born (pre-Covid) there was a strong expectation that fathers or birth partners should stay for the whole post-natal stay. The over-stretched midwives would tell me off for ringing the bell (for medical reasons) as “my partner should be there to help me” I’m guessing it’s only getting worse.

At the same hospital I was also politely reminded that I might wish to cover up as there were men on the post natal ward when I was having a lot of skin to skin contact to encourage breastfeeding…ironically the midwife caring for me and supporting me to breastfeed was male (amazing man!) I strongly suggested if the men on the ward had a problem with breastfeeding then they should leave or close their eyes!

3mmaH · 20/02/2022 10:29

And hope baby turns for you OP!

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/02/2022 10:30

Ibizan

“That’s patronising bollocks though, isn’t it.“

No it isn’t. Quite happy to acknowledge that I have no problem at all with fathers being allowed to stay, if their circumstances require it.

My husband didn’t stay either time, I didn’t need him to. Had circumstances been different, why would my need for support have been trumped by someone else’s wish not to have their “nut job” there?

CaptainCabinets · 20/02/2022 10:43

Would you care if a female partner stayed the night? Not sure if it’s that you don’t want a man to stay or if you’re unhappy that her partner can stay and yours can’t.

Either way, it’s not your business really.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 20/02/2022 10:50

Its not your business when it comes to any issues the other woman may have but its absolutely your business if you find you are now sharing a room with a man when you weren’t expecting it

Cleothecat75 · 20/02/2022 10:51

@Muckymaisonette

I went without a meal on a post natal ward as my meal was given to a husband who looked at the HCA with puppy-dog eyes!
I can’t believe your husband was happy for you to go without a meal after you had given birth to your baby! Dreadful that the HCA gave your meal away, but even worse that you went without while you’re ‘d’h had your tea!
sanbeiji · 20/02/2022 10:53

@Muckymaisonette ?
The HCA was clearly an idiot

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 20/02/2022 10:54

cleo

Im not sure it was her husband

MisAnn · 20/02/2022 10:54

I would ask to be moved.

It’s not likely that someone who is there with their partner in the same room is going to be any threat to you.

Do you think 100% of male visitors are law abiding upstanding members of society?

A friend of mine was raped by her own partner in a maternity unit whilst her baby was in ICU. Hate to break it to you but not all men are safe to be around.

Being heavily pregnant and alone in a hospital ward with men you don't know is about as vulnerable as a woman can be.

sanbeiji · 20/02/2022 10:55

@isthisnormal12

I have updated the thread last night....I spoke to a midwife and asked what the visiting policy was. She said if you are being induced or in labour partners are allowed to stay the whole night.

So I just assume this woman is being induced and that is why he is here.

It made me feel better that this doesn't seem to be a breach of rules and more in line with the hospital policy.

I still only slept 3 hours last night. This was partly caused by my own nerves, partly because the woman and her partner were whispering and shifting, making noise all night.

They probably thought they were considerate whispering, but when you're awake whispering can be so loud.

I had my first child in August 2020 in the same hospital. Back then the policy was different, partners could only join whilst in established labour and had to leave immediately after the birth. They also couldn't visit on the postnatal wards.

There were definitely upsides to this, women were chatting to each other and supporting each other. That was definitely nice, now everyone is just behind their curtain, avoiding looking at each other.

Still, it was hugely traumatising not having my husband for support on the postnatal ward.

I wouldn't have wanted him to stay with me all night, just some hours during the day. I had a 2 litre blood loss during delivery and it was so difficult looking after a newborn by myself. I really think the 5 days by myself with a newborn on the postnatal ward being so poorly gave me PTSD and it took me longer than usual to bond with my son.

Tell a midwife that they're bothering you. No need for them to talk.
balalake · 20/02/2022 10:59

I think you should have been advised of the visiting policy when you arrived, or possibly even earlier if it was certain you would most likely be giving birth there.

Hope a lovely happy baby arrives soon, wishing you well.

TheOriginalEmu · 20/02/2022 11:06

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

You have no idea if he is a ‘random man’ or a highly trained professional

Either way he is still a random man to the OP

But he might be there for a medical reason is my point.
Merryoldgoat · 20/02/2022 11:10

I cannot imagine not having had support from my DH after my first son was born. The midwives were too busy to help me, I had a section that hadn’t gone well and was unwell with preeclampsia. I spent the nights with a very hungry baby crying as I had no milk and just midwives who were annoyed I couldn’t cope.

By DS2 partners could stay and it was entirely different. I didn’t need any of the midwives’ time outside of pain management and medical issues.

I’m happy for no partners if you are actually assisted and cared for properly.

Chestofdraws · 20/02/2022 11:15

I would ask to be moved

I guess you’re not from the uk so not familiar with our nhs. There is not an abundance of beds just waiting, it’s not like a hotel at low period I’m afraid,

And honestly, as much as you’re right, it’s highly unlikely the op is at risk in a ward with three other women, one of whom is his partner in labour and staff on site. I mean yes, it could be he’s a mad rapist and will attempt to rape a heavily pregnant woman in Labour with other people round Inc his partner, but let’s face it, it’s highly unlikely.

CelestiaNoctis · 20/02/2022 11:21

I would just ask and see what they say. There could be a good reason for it or maybe be just hid in there to comfort her and no one checked all night. See if theres a complaint to be made but yeah, maybe there's a good reason so don't go in guns blazing. She's vulnerable too.

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2022 11:27

Pre covid. With baby number 2. Was in a room with another lady post birth (ward was full). Her fxxkin partner stay all night. They talked, laughed, kept me awake, woke my newborn up then when the did sleep his snoring kept me awake. Soaked my night gown and had to leave my curtis ned off section to use he bathroom where he could see. I felt very vulnerable.

Mw came in about 2am took one look at tearful me, heard his snoring and moved me to a delivery room.

Imo Men should not be allowed on maternity wards.

TheOriginalEmu · 20/02/2022 11:27

@ShamedBySiri

People with complex and additional needs that the hospital cannot or will not meet are fully entitled to reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act. In my experience, hospitals prefer a family member or paid carer because it eases their pressures and their budgets.

Yes it is common for people with eg dementia or learning difficulties or other specific problems requiring full time care to have their carer with them in hospital and normally they would be accommodated in a single room, certainly at the hospital where I work.

However I think it's rather strange to assume that a woman on an antenatal ward has this level of need, or even, as one pp suggested, a prisoner accompanied by a warden. Not saying it's not possible but it's the least likely scenario and if any of that was the case they ought to be in a single room though maybe the hospital doesn't have single rooms available. Hmm

Disabled women have babies all the time. I had my children at home to avoid this issue with people staring and whatever as a disabled woman.
Sofiegiraffe · 20/02/2022 11:29

@Cleothecat75

She says "a husband" ate her meal (ie someone else's), not her own husband.

Muckymaisonette · 20/02/2022 11:52

To clarify It wasn’t my husband who ate it. I arrived on the post natal ward starving after an elective caesarean. The puppy-dog eyes husband was obviously “Mr Popular” the life and soul of the ward, bantering with the staff (rather than just letting them like get on with caring duties).

JustDanceAddict · 20/02/2022 11:53

@isthisnormal12

I have updated the thread last night....I spoke to a midwife and asked what the visiting policy was. She said if you are being induced or in labour partners are allowed to stay the whole night.

So I just assume this woman is being induced and that is why he is here.

It made me feel better that this doesn't seem to be a breach of rules and more in line with the hospital policy.

I still only slept 3 hours last night. This was partly caused by my own nerves, partly because the woman and her partner were whispering and shifting, making noise all night.

They probably thought they were considerate whispering, but when you're awake whispering can be so loud.

I had my first child in August 2020 in the same hospital. Back then the policy was different, partners could only join whilst in established labour and had to leave immediately after the birth. They also couldn't visit on the postnatal wards.

There were definitely upsides to this, women were chatting to each other and supporting each other. That was definitely nice, now everyone is just behind their curtain, avoiding looking at each other.

Still, it was hugely traumatising not having my husband for support on the postnatal ward.

I wouldn't have wanted him to stay with me all night, just some hours during the day. I had a 2 litre blood loss during delivery and it was so difficult looking after a newborn by myself. I really think the 5 days by myself with a newborn on the postnatal ward being so poorly gave me PTSD and it took me longer than usual to bond with my son.

Glad it was clarified for you. Once I was in Labour w DD my husband stayed (20 years ago) but it wasn’t through the night. By midnight I was in delivery room. Post-delivery they had to go by around 9pm I think but could come back at maybe 8am?! Same for my DS although was different hospital.
CustardySergeant · 20/02/2022 11:59

"I just assume this woman is undergoing induction process at the moment and that's why her partner is allowed to stay with her."
"I feel so much better now knowing that this is hospital policy and not special rules being made for some or anything creepy going on."

OP, I'm still puzzling over what on earth you meant by "anything creepy going on" as to the partner being there. It seems such an odd thing to say. Can you explain please? Creepy like what? Confused

Iwonder08 · 20/02/2022 12:02

Husbands should be allowed to stay both before and after. Oh horror..male visitor helping his heavily pregnant wife in a hospital.. If you feel uncomfortable with male people around you due to previous trauma then raise it with the hospital and ask to be moved. Otherwise you are being entirely unreasonable

hugr · 20/02/2022 12:12

Can people really not fathom that a woman might require a carer on a prenatal ward? Do you not think disabled women have babies? Whilst I don't know that it's the case here, it would be a normal reasonable adjustment if someone has exceptional needs due to physical, mental health or intellectual disabilities.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 20/02/2022 12:16

@hugr

Could say the same about other women wanting a safe women only space whilst vulnerable

katepilar · 20/02/2022 12:18

@Tee20x

I think the fact that your husband was told to leave and the other man is allowed to be there clearly shows that he is there for a reason rather than being someone who has just slipped through the net?

Like others have said you don't know the situation & even if they had come to you to ask your permission or inform you or whatever what would you have done? Said you don't want him there? Don't think they would have kicked him out.

I think the only thing you can do is voice the fact that you are uncomfortable and ask to be moved - j wouldn't complain though as you don't know why he has been permitted to stay on the ward. My partner was allowed to stay with me in the ward all night when I had been induced & i was due to be taken down to have my waters broken - reason he was allowed to stay was because I was due to be brought downstairs however was held up for various reasons.

Often at least being told makes lot of difference, if not all the difference to how you feel. And this is about how OP feels.