to complain about male hospital visitor staying all night?

[isthisnormal12]

Hi everyone,

So I'm in hospital at the moment. 39 weeks pregnant and having to stay in hospital because baby is transverse and at risk of cord prolapse.

I was admitted Sunday night. My husband left after I was admitted and returned with my hospital suitcase. He was told he couldn't stay (probably because it was late, so he handed me the suitcase over at the entry of the ward).

I share the room with 4 other ladies. When I was admitted I was in a different room, I have since been moved to a different room because my bed had been taken by someone else while I had an ECV done.

I am still on the same ward though.

Last night I noticed that one of the women in my room had her boyfriend/partner/husband stay all night with her. I know that because I was tossing and turning and I heard them speak intermittently. I fell asleep maybe at 2 am.
When I woke up at 5 am I am sure he was still there.

I know that I am sleep deprived, but I am almost 100 % sure I wasn't imagining it.

Do hospitals make special rules for some women in some cases? Shouldn't they offer me a single room or ask me for my consent?

I feel quite vulnerable to be sleeping in a room with a man I don't know.

If this happens again tonight, would I be unreasonable to complain?

I am not going to say the name of the hospital, but it is a large, well-known maternity hospital in Birmingham.

The woman also isn't in labour at this point. I am not sure why she is here.

@Jampic

Some bizarre comments on here I don’t have the inclination to go into my experiences of neonatal death but just wanted to say grief isn’t always wailing and screaming, it’s chatting about the weather and watching Gordon Ramsey’s kitchen nightmares on the iPad while wanting to die inside.

If you're on a ward for hours on end, chances are you'll hear the monitor or reference to the baby. Nobody is saying you must be sobbing or you're not really grieving, and it is of course really horrid that e actually have losses being dealt with on the same wards as healthy pregnancies

Tell the staff. She should be in a side room of her male is staying with her. Men have no place staying overnight on a maternity ward. Nobody else will stand up for your rights but you.

Partners were allowed the entire time when I had my baby, even with some covid restrictions.

I’m very grateful that was the case, the level of care and attention from the staff was horrendous and if I had been alone with a baby I couldn’t look after I would have been completely traumatised. I would rather rely on my husband than random strangers just because they happen to be women who also had a baby.

Mumsnet is weird sometimes, I’ve never heard the view in RL that men shouldn’t be on maternity wards.

I’ve never heard the view in RL that men shouldn’t be on maternity wards

The vast majority of people have no problem with men being on the ward during the day (though im sure lots differ on how long for) its overnight that most people are particularly unhappy with

There could be a lot of reasons why he is there.
For example I had my c section in December. About 10 days after the section, I got really high temperature and went a&e on advice from the maternity triage team as they didn’t have a bed for in post delivery ward as they were full. My husband, my 10 days old exclusively breastfed baby and I spent 12 hours at a&e waiting, having tests and scans done and being seen by various people. After 12 hours, they admitted me but since there were no beds on post natal ward, they put me on pre natal - early labor ward. My husband was allowed to stay with us as I had fever over 41 and was 10 days after section, still quite sore and had to try to care for the newborn on a ward, which was not equipped for that. The space was too small, the toilets were quite far away and there wasn’t space in the toilets to take the hospital cot with the baby with me. Also I was on a drip and antibiotics drip for most if the time so was quite restricted at what I could do. I was admitted to this ward around 3am, my husband went to get my bag and stuff as we didn’t expect this and then be stayed with us for a few hours. Some time early morning he went home to get a little sleep and then came back. The lady next to me also had her newborn with her and the husband was in and out at all sorts of time. Later that day I was transferred to post natal where I spent few more days and the husbands and OH were around all the time as the births and emergency sections happen at all times of the day and they allowed to stay for a few hours even at night. I don’t know, I wouldn’t complain really. You cannot know why he is there and if he doesn’t cause any issues, why try to stir any trouble? Maybe they are just having the worst time of their life and having her husband kicked out might cause other damage or distress.. how would you feel if it was you?

Genuinely, what's the different between a man being allowed on the ward in the day and being allowed on at night? I can't see a difference to be honest.

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@hugr

Could say the same about other women wanting a safe women only space whilst vulnerable[/quote]
The legal rights of someone with a disability to reasonable adjustments, as per the Equality Act, would override the need for safe spaces for pregnant women.

@CornishGem1975

Genuinely, what's the different between a man being allowed on the ward in the day and being allowed on at night? I can't see a difference to be honest.

Because women feel vulnerable and they won’t be able to sleep perhaps? At a time when they need as much sleep as they can get. There’s literally no other circumstance when you’d expect your partner to be with you 24/7 on a hospital ward, why should a maternity unit be any different?

While I definitely understand there might be reasons for the lady’s partner to be there during the night. I do think you should be informed there is a male in the room overnight and they should try to give the lady a private or as private as possible (2 bed) room. Because yes she might not be in a state to stay alone but you don’t know what other ladies in the room may have gone through (some form of abuse perhaps). I would not be okay with an unknown male staying in my room since having been sexually abused.

That lady with the male staying over isn’t the only person who might have issues with certain things!

I think women should have access to their partners throughout their maternity encounters and admissions personally, and I wouldn’t be precious about someone else having that option.

Any number of reasons he could be there, clinical or otherwise. Let it go. Ask for your husband to stay if you want that.

Also, why are you more scared of a male than a female in this particular situation. I agree we live in constant low level fear of them, but this situation feels very low risk.

Blossomtoes

There’s literally no other circumstance when you’d expect your partner to be with you 24/7 on a hospital ward, why should a maternity unit be any different?

I’m very pleased that you haven’t had to spend weeks on an AMU with your comatose partner, as they tried to find out what the hell was wrong with them before transferring to the appropriate specialisation. I have and I was there 24/7.
I didn’t give a second’s thought to who else was there.

“ There’s literally no other circumstance when you’d expect your partner to be with you 24/7 on a hospital ward, why should a maternity unit be any different?”

Maybe because in no other hospital ward are you left to look after a newborn baby on your own immediately after coming out of surgery or another type of difficult birth. I was never moved to the postnatal ward post c section so was with a mix of other women recovering from sections and women still being induced and the staff were fuck all use when I was struggling with the baby.

You’re right @luxxlisbon. But that’s an argument for much, much better maternity care, not men on maternity wards.

Exceptions are rarely made but there are some , normally because there is something serious happening like a loss .
Personally I would leave it . The last thing that person probably needs is aggravated stress

ofwarren You have a point. I have a make carer but he has only been in the outpatients with me.

There’s literally no other circumstance when you’d expect your partner to be with you 24/7 on a hospital ward, why should a maternity unit be any different?

This is complete nonsense. Any ward in the hospital would let partners (and other relatives) stay on compassionate grounds if they thought death was likely for example.

Anyone who thinks any hospital ward is devoid of men at night has clearly never spent any time in hospital - I have, and there are always male doctors, nurses, porters, men accompanying admissions that occur outside visiting hours, whole families let in at odd times on compassionate grounds etc.

And father's are allowed to stay on children's wards, so why shouldn't they also be allowed to take care of their child while the mother is recovering.

If you make a formal complaint then that will take up a lot of time for NHS employees to investigate etc.
If you really must know then ask one of the nurses why there’s a visitor on the ward overnight.
You don’t need to go straight in with a complaint.
You just don’t know someone’s circumstances so take the soft approach.

"There’s literally no other circumstance when you’d expect your partner to be with you 24/7 on a hospital ward, why should a maternity unit be any different?"

When partners are carers it does happen. You need to bear in mind that hospitals are not set up for people with disabilities and what with whatever condition they are in for and the hospital environment not being set up as their home is, people will often need more support than they do at home.

Ds will continue to need round the clock 2:1 support in hospital ( which won't be offered by the hospital and unknown carers wouldn't work anyway) so even as an adult he will need two people with him all night.

My dh was allowed to stay with me in two occasions but I had severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression so I wouldn’t have stayed and was being induced with a history of Pnd
They did give us a private room though and we weren’t on a ward with any other women! That would be awkward
I think it’s likely that there are special circumstances they probably would not allow it otherwise

hospitals are not set up for people with disabilities and what with whatever condition they are in for

really?
that's outrageous!

My DP stayed with me the first night after having DS, I'd had emergency epidural, forceps etc. The epidural went upwards and I couldn't move anything but my eyes and mouth until the next day so I needed him there. I think he stayed most of the second night as well but it's foggy. Others had their partners in and none of us seemed to have a problem with it.

@formalineadeline

The other woman might be vulnerable but if so she should be in a side room.

The other women in the room might also be vulnerable. Why should a woman with trauma end up harmed or discharging herself prematurely because she's been forced into such an inappropriate situation? She shouldn't.

Complain.

Yes, NHS hospitals and their never ending supply of "side rooms"

I'm interested to hear how those women without their DP cope with the care of their baby after c-section? I was paralysed below the breasts for hours...absolutely no way I could care for my baby alone, and the midwives were lovely but too understaffed to be coming every time my baby needed to be picked up to cuddle or change a nappy or breastfeed and then put down again, as well as see to me & all other mum's & babies. I'm really grateful DH was allowed to stay during that time to ensure that we were both looked after.

Also, morally I think it's right that DH did those things, as they're his responsibility, and these tasks needed no medical training and therefore not taking time away from the highly valuable time & energy of the midwives.

Actually, partners coming onto wards replace a lot of the caring that would have previously been done by staff. Hospitals struggle to get enough staff as it is.

When I had sepsis after childbirth, I had very little help. I was totally reliant on when my husband was in (he couldn't stay because we were in for a while and have another child).

Lots of maternity hospitals allow fathers to stay postnatally. I do think think its a good thing. Admittedly, it doesnt happen in antenatal but i think I would assume that she needs him for one reason or another. The reasons peoe can be on an antenatal ward are very varied. If you are uncomfortable then ask if you can be moved.

Then men on the ward will be totally unconcerned by you. In my hospital the curtains are generally drawn around most of the time.