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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
Tsuni · 19/02/2022 16:21

These kind of posts about selfish dick head husbands always end with, "I'm also pregnant with dc2 right now." 🤦‍♀️

DrSbaitso · 19/02/2022 16:23

@Tsuni

These kind of posts about selfish dick head husbands always end with, "I'm also pregnant with dc2 right now." 🤦‍♀️
Or number 3 or 4.
Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 16:23

@Pumperthepumper they do if they prevent further bad behaviour of the same sort. Which they can do, depending on the age and temperament of the child and the punishment selected.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:23

@hellithurt more projection. You’ve taken that question far too personally.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:24

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pumperthepumper they do if they prevent further bad behaviour of the same sort. Which they can do, depending on the age and temperament of the child and the punishment selected.[/quote]
No, they don’t. They make their life shit for a while after they’ve already don’t the bad thing. They don’t solve the reason for doing that bad thing in the first place.

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:26

I disagree with the pp saying punishments don't work. Of course they do. Human social systems are generally built around the simple basis that you get punished if you do socially unacceptable things.

Plenty of human beings (including children)will not comply with certain socially desired behaviours if the personal reward is "worth it". Eg take a toy off another child, if there's little punishment a child will risk doing it again because its worth it to potentially get the desired toy. Punishments essentially teach children not to risk selfish/socially unacceptable behaviours by making the potential downside more than the potential upside.

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:27

Pumperthepumper alas. Human beings are essentially selfish and this is what drives most unacceptable behaviour.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:29

@OfstedOffred

Pumperthepumper alas. Human beings are essentially selfish and this is what drives most unacceptable behaviour.
Absolutely. But selfishness being punished leads to selfish resentment. Kindness always means more.
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:30

@OfstedOffred

I disagree with the pp saying punishments don't work. Of course they do. Human social systems are generally built around the simple basis that you get punished if you do socially unacceptable things.

Plenty of human beings (including children)will not comply with certain socially desired behaviours if the personal reward is "worth it". Eg take a toy off another child, if there's little punishment a child will risk doing it again because its worth it to potentially get the desired toy. Punishments essentially teach children not to risk selfish/socially unacceptable behaviours by making the potential downside more than the potential upside.

Rewards for good behaviour also mean more than punishments for already committed poor behaviour.
OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:31

It doesnt pumper or humans would have never had to develop the rules & punishments that exist in basically all known human societies. If the potential upside of unpleasant behaviour is worth it enough, human beings regularly exhibit very very bad behaviour and kindness does not fucking resolve that, fear of negative consequences does.

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:32

A child who repeatedly bites others in a bid to get what they want is not learning through kindness? How are they learning that they must not bite if there are no negative consequences if they do?

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:34

Now of course the consequences must be immediate and proportionate for a 3 year old. But saying "don't do it" to a child who doesnt give a shit what you say is not a consequence.

IForgiveYouPaula · 19/02/2022 16:34

No. Punishments only exists after the behaviour has already taken place. I’ve already explained this upthread. They don’t work

I hope you don’t work in law enforcement

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:35

@OfstedOffred

It doesnt pumper or humans would have never had to develop the rules & punishments that exist in basically all known human societies. If the potential upside of unpleasant behaviour is worth it enough, human beings regularly exhibit very very bad behaviour and kindness does not fucking resolve that, fear of negative consequences does.
No it doesn’t. If it did, nobody would be in jail.
Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 16:35

@Pumperthepumper that's your opinion, and not one I agree with. No sentient species evolves without being able to link cause and effect from quite a young age. Pull the cat's tail, cat scratches, learn not to do that. Bite the kid at playgroup, time out/go home. Some children get it quickly, some take longer, but you don't have to sit passively by whilst your darling child nashes his way through reception and Y1.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:35

@OfstedOffred

A child who repeatedly bites others in a bid to get what they want is not learning through kindness? How are they learning that they must not bite if there are no negative consequences if they do?
I explained this already. That’s the parents’ job. To find where that behaviour comes from and step in before it happens.
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:37

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pumperthepumper that's your opinion, and not one I agree with. No sentient species evolves without being able to link cause and effect from quite a young age. Pull the cat's tail, cat scratches, learn not to do that. Bite the kid at playgroup, time out/go home. Some children get it quickly, some take longer, but you don't have to sit passively by whilst your darling child nashes his way through reception and Y1.[/quote]
Sitting passively is exactly the opposite of what I’ve said to do. Don’t let your kid pull the cat’s tail: cat doesnt scratch. Bite a kid at playgroup (out of frustration? Boredom? Hunger?) and go home means absolutely nothing to the biting kid. Step in before the biting happens: problem solved.

watchtheglitterdustswirl · 19/02/2022 16:39

I take toys from my three year old when she is naughty if it's related to the toy, if that makes sense. So if she whacks me with it, then away it goes. The punishment has to be linked to the crime at that age or they don't learn from it!

And I only take it for a short period. So she wallops me with her toy in the morning, it goes away until after lunch. Short and sharp consequence.

Taking a loved toy away for 3 days for biting makes no sense and won't teach the child anything. Give it back and talk to you DH about sensible, and age appropriate consequences for undesirable behaviour.

MabelsApron · 19/02/2022 16:44

@Tsuni

These kind of posts about selfish dick head husbands always end with, "I'm also pregnant with dc2 right now." 🤦‍♀️
Just what I was coming here to say… 🤦🏻‍♀️
Porcupineintherough · 19/02/2022 16:44

@Pumperthepumper yes that's nice if you have every minute of every day to be hovering above your child. And of course parenting should be proactive and, largely, positive but you child still has to learn to modify their own behaviour and, more importantly, has the capacity to do so, through experience, from a young age.

DrSbaitso · 19/02/2022 16:46

I don't think it's possible to pre-empt and prevent every instance of bad behaviour in a child.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:47

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Pumperthepumper yes that's nice if you have every minute of every day to be hovering above your child. And of course parenting should be proactive and, largely, positive but you child still has to learn to modify their own behaviour and, more importantly, has the capacity to do so, through experience, from a young age.[/quote]
I’ve already said it’s not easy. It’s boring. It’s time consuming. But it’s meeting your child’s needs, which punishment isn’t.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:47

@DrSbaitso

I don't think it's possible to pre-empt and prevent every instance of bad behaviour in a child.
No, of course not.
Ozanj · 19/02/2022 16:52

At that age I would not expect him to be so obsessed by a single toy that he doesn’t play with anything else for 3 days. That isn’t normal. Do you have other age appropriate toys for him? Are you doing things together like throwing a ball around indoors or is he allowed to get out the paints / make a mess?

Patapouf · 19/02/2022 16:52

Chiming in to echo everyone else, it's not an appropriate consequence for a toddler.
I wouldn't be keeping the toy away!