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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
hellithurt · 19/02/2022 15:58

[quote Pumperthepumper]@hellithurt you’re taking that comment quite seriously, I think it’s fair to ask where the other parent is.[/quote]
Why? Just why? It honestly read like if he's off having fun that makes him a bad parent! It really doesn't? What difference does it make where he is? So if he's at work then OP shouldn't give the toy back? But if he's at a stag do she should give it back.

The fact is IMO the child is too young to understand this type of punishment? OP should give the toy back.

So please do tell me the relevance of where the DF is? Because I'm really failing to see it. In fact even if he was in the house, I still think the toy should've been given back.

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 15:59

I do think your DH approach is not reasonable but if he is nearly 3 and still a) having huge tantrums and b) biting your approach isnt working either.

I do think approaches which never involve anything negative as a consequence for a child don't really work, but the consequence needs to be immediate and proportionate with kids that age. By age 3 though I think simply redirecting and saying don't do x is no longer enough - not with something like biting.

babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 16:00

In fact even if he was in the house, I still think the toy should've been given back.

So not only was he wrong about how do deal with the child's behaviour, he was also absent and delegating the dealing with it to the OP.

JudesBiggestFan · 19/02/2022 16:02

I so so wish there were parenting classes as standard in this country. It seems to be a wild mix of letting stuff go completely so that kids run wild or dramatically over reacting to normal children's behaviour. As for not undermining your husband...it's not the 1950s. Undermine away and stick up for yourself and your son! He clearly doesn't understand what he's talking about, it won't work and so the method deserves no respect. Give your child his toy back. And better yet...Chuck a coat and wellies on him and take him to the park!

OfstedOffred · 19/02/2022 16:02

It's very normal at that age, usually when they are frustrated and can't communicate so they lose control and bite.

I dont think it really is that normal at 3. Most children are verbal by age 3 and biting especially they tend to know is really unacceptable. It might happen on a rare occasion but its usually where they bite another child because the other child pushes them right to the edge with unreasonable behaviour, biting an adult is not the same.

babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 16:02

Frankly if I was pregnant and had a toddler and my husband was away all weekend for any reason at all, anyone who tried to tell me I shouldn't stick my toddler in front of the TV with a stack of Nutella sandwiches if that helped me to get a moment's peace could take a running jump.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:03

So please do tell me the relevance of where the DF is? Because I'm really failing to see it. In fact even if he was in the house, I still think the toy should've been given back.

Because maybe there is more to it - he’s left his pregnant wife home all weekend with a kid he knows is going through a difficult phase, and he made it worse. So if its unavoidable (work) then fair enough. If it’s avoidable (a jolly) then maybe the OP would like some advice/perspective on responsibilities and equal parenting.

linchinton · 19/02/2022 16:03

I do think your dh would benefit from parenting lessons or even just reading a book on parenting or watching a few you tube videos - he seems clueless.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:03

@babyjellyfish

In fact even if he was in the house, I still think the toy should've been given back.

So not only was he wrong about how do deal with the child's behaviour, he was also absent and delegating the dealing with it to the OP.

Yes he was wrong, I never said he wasn't! But why is it relevant if he's working etc? What did you want OP to say? He's off on a jolly so you could then start saying how awful he is?

Wrong is wrong, but trying to say it's worse because he's got a child free weekend is not relevant.

IMO he was wrong.

The whole point that the OP was making from the start was that he delegated the punishment to her. We all know that.

babyjellyfish · 19/02/2022 16:06

But why is it relevant if he's working etc?

Because if he's working, then fair enough (but if it's a regular thing then maybe he should look into changing his working pattern so he isn't leaving his pregnant wife alone with a toddler at weekends).

If he isn't working then the only words that should be coming out of his mouth are, "Thank you DW for letting me go away this weekend, I know it's a lot to ask of you, next weekend you are free to do whatever you want and I will look after DS."

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:06

@Pumperthepumper

So please do tell me the relevance of where the DF is? Because I'm really failing to see it. In fact even if he was in the house, I still think the toy should've been given back.

Because maybe there is more to it - he’s left his pregnant wife home all weekend with a kid he knows is going through a difficult phase, and he made it worse. So if its unavoidable (work) then fair enough. If it’s avoidable (a jolly) then maybe the OP would like some advice/perspective on responsibilities and equal parenting.

OP was out all day yesterday, leaving her DH with a difficult toddler... I wonder if she makes a habit of that?
PoshPyjamas · 19/02/2022 16:06

Jesus Christ, what’s with all the squabbling on this thread!

cherryonthecakes · 19/02/2022 16:07

The punishment doesn't fit the crime. The punishment is so long that your ds will have long forgotten the biting. There is no point in a punishment when he can't even remember the reason.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:07

@babyjellyfish

But why is it relevant if he's working etc?

Because if he's working, then fair enough (but if it's a regular thing then maybe he should look into changing his working pattern so he isn't leaving his pregnant wife alone with a toddler at weekends).

If he isn't working then the only words that should be coming out of his mouth are, "Thank you DW for letting me go away this weekend, I know it's a lot to ask of you, next weekend you are free to do whatever you want and I will look after DS."

OP was out all day yesterday, I wonder how often she's leaving the difficult toddler with DH? I do hope she thanked him when she got home!
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:07

OP was out all day yesterday, leaving her DH with a difficult toddler... I wonder if she makes a habit of that?

Maybe she does?

PJsAndRainyDays · 19/02/2022 16:07

FFS he's 2?!!

Absolutely cruel to punish him in this way!

Surely you can see that for yourself!! Hmm

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:09

@Pumperthepumper

OP was out all day yesterday, leaving her DH with a difficult toddler... I wonder if she makes a habit of that?

Maybe she does?

And that's fine, it's the he's off on a jolly, she's stuck at home. You know nothing about their relationship and the projection is ridiculous!
CaffeineAndCrochet · 19/02/2022 16:11

@SaySomethingMan

I agree this is over the top but clearly something needs to be done about his tantrums now. They’ll only get worse as he gets bigger
He's 2. His tantrums will improve the older he gets and the more he's able to communicate.
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:12

And that's fine, it's the he's off on a jolly, she's stuck at home. You know nothing about their relationship and the projection is ridiculous!

Did I say it was fine? I’m not the one projecting here.

IForgiveYouPaula · 19/02/2022 16:12

And punishments don’t work anyway. They just build resentment

Children need boundaries and consequences. If I did something wrong I was punished. I don’t resent my parents and never have.
My children are now adults, they were punished on occasion - a loved toy taken, a timeout, grounded, not allowed to go to a party, write an apology. They’re well adjusted people and as I speak with them numerous times each week I can only assume that there’s no resentment there either. They grew up knowing what was expected as far as behaviour was concerned and as long as the punishment/consequence is proportionate it’s unlikely to end in resentment.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:14

@Pumperthepumper

And that's fine, it's the he's off on a jolly, she's stuck at home. You know nothing about their relationship and the projection is ridiculous!

Did I say it was fine? I’m not the one projecting here.

Sorry, you've totally lost me!

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:14

@IForgiveYouPaula

And punishments don’t work anyway. They just build resentment

Children need boundaries and consequences. If I did something wrong I was punished. I don’t resent my parents and never have.
My children are now adults, they were punished on occasion - a loved toy taken, a timeout, grounded, not allowed to go to a party, write an apology. They’re well adjusted people and as I speak with them numerous times each week I can only assume that there’s no resentment there either. They grew up knowing what was expected as far as behaviour was concerned and as long as the punishment/consequence is proportionate it’s unlikely to end in resentment.

No. Punishments only exists after the behaviour has already taken place. I’ve already explained this upthread. They don’t work.
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 16:15

Sorry, you've totally lost me!

I didn’t say it was fine. You leapt to that conclusion (projection).

DrSbaitso · 19/02/2022 16:16

Parents always insist that their parenting was amazing and their children suffer no ill effects. But there are so many adult children with criticisms.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 16:19

@Pumperthepumper

Sorry, you've totally lost me!

I didn’t say it was fine. You leapt to that conclusion (projection).

No, I said it was fine? Where did I say you said it was fine?

Anyway, I'm off now! But carry on convincing yourself that the DH is some kind of bastard that's off on a jolly. OP has said it's not a LTB situation, she seems fine now that the DS had the toy and did t seem to have an issue with her DH being away. Just with the fact that the DS couldn't have the toy, which in now resolved and as she's said all is good. I'm sure she doesn't need the opinions of randoms on the internet telling her that her husband should be home and not having a jolly!