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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
HoneyFlowers · 19/02/2022 18:27

Depends on age of child. However I know a mum who every time her child makes a mistake (no where near as bad as biting) tits are removed for a week and basic diet, no sweets, in fact child has to sit and watch everyone eat their sweets for a week.

HoneyFlowers · 19/02/2022 18:28

*TOYS!!!

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:28

@HoneyFlowers

Depends on age of child. However I know a mum who every time her child makes a mistake (no where near as bad as biting) tits are removed for a week and basic diet, no sweets, in fact child has to sit and watch everyone eat their sweets for a week.
Sorry but I did laugh at the auto correct tits!

But seriously I think that's harsh.

BOOTS52 · 19/02/2022 18:29

I think your husband needs to learn how to deal with son's tantrums as bet he was taking as much of a tantrum as your son. Does he lose his patience when left with your son if he has a tantrum or can he stay calm. This is something that needs to be discussed. Not fair taking new toy away for 3 days and I would sit with your son and talk to him and as you have said already that you do. Give him back his toy as it seems cruel to take it for so long as he cannot understand the time concept. Difficult age and I remember my son taking tantrums as they cannot express themselves right and I just kept calm and tried to get through them best as I could and then talk to my son. Not fair you are the one left to deal with son's punishment. Think that is unfair on you and your husband is off and does not have to deal with this. Things will improve and you will get through these difficult times. You sound like a lovely great mum.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 18:29

@HoneyFlowers

Depends on age of child. However I know a mum who every time her child makes a mistake (no where near as bad as biting) tits are removed for a week and basic diet, no sweets, in fact child has to sit and watch everyone eat their sweets for a week.
Toys?

Horrible though. I’m sure there are people who live by ‘spare the rod, spoil this child’ to varying degrees. Awful.

Yibs · 19/02/2022 18:36

Hertsgirl is a prime example of why I didn't make mum friends at baby groups. remember saying that my kid had been a total prick that morning and being looked at in horror. The kids were out of ear shot and it was the truth. I love my kid but he can be a prick sometimes. I found my people now, where I can rant (and even swear!) about my kid to them in private, as can they to me, because parenting can suck, children can be dicks and sometimes it makes us feel better to be talk bluntly and have a laugh about it.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 19/02/2022 18:43

I'm just responding to what you posted @Hertsgirl10.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 18:45

Pumper are you the one with the 1 year old or have I got that wrong? if so come back in a year to 18 months and then see how you feel...

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 18:48

@velvet24

Pumper are you the one with the 1 year old or have I got that wrong? if so come back in a year to 18 months and then see how you feel...
No.
velvet24 · 19/02/2022 18:50

Ok my mistake i apologise, I do disagree with you on punishment, it needs to be done as long as fair and age-appropriate or you get all sorts of problems crop up later on,

DisappearingGirl · 19/02/2022 18:52

I've annoyingly not RTFT sorry. But just wanted to say one of my lightbulb moments as a parent was realising that for little kids, punishments can be really really small and short and still work, and are then a lot easier for parents to implement!

Putting the toy in the cupboard for 5 minutes - to be returned once the shouting and biting had stopped - would have been just as effective!

AnAverageMum · 19/02/2022 19:02

Op youre normal, as you know. Normal, normal, normal. They ARE annoying sometimes, bloody annoying! Your DH done what he thought was right at the time but maybe actually wasn’t the best course (all been there.)

Sound like 2 perfectly good parents who love their son. The ones bleating anger management - have a day off.

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/02/2022 19:02

@Hertsgirl10 HVs and nursery staff are not the parenting police.

nanbread · 19/02/2022 19:28

OP if you're still reading

It's ok to vent - healthy in fact

We all make mistakes as parents, I'm glad you see your DH's decision as such

Toddler screaming can be hell, you have my sympathy, I suggest earplugs and self care

Definitely best to link any "consequences" to the action, and biting at this age while unwanted is quite common.

ancientgran · 19/02/2022 19:30

@Pumperthepumper It absolutely is part of their development. So why punish them for it? Why not guide them out of it? So is guiding them being there all the time to stop them doing it because that is what you seem to be advocating. Do you think you should still be there at 5, 10, 15 and on and on? Sometimes we need to reward and sometimes we need to punish, punish isn't about beating them to a pulp it can be sitting still for 2 minutes or not having the toy they want for 10 minutes or missing their cartoon because the TV is off for half an hour.

A good loving parent equips their child for the big wide world and that means learning how to behave.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 19:31

[quote ancientgran]**@Pumperthepumper* It absolutely is part of their development. So why punish them for it? Why not guide them out of it?* So is guiding them being there all the time to stop them doing it because that is what you seem to be advocating. Do you think you should still be there at 5, 10, 15 and on and on? Sometimes we need to reward and sometimes we need to punish, punish isn't about beating them to a pulp it can be sitting still for 2 minutes or not having the toy they want for 10 minutes or missing their cartoon because the TV is off for half an hour.

A good loving parent equips their child for the big wide world and that means learning how to behave.[/quote]
Why does it have to be someone with them all the time?

So a child who is violent to other children - your advice is to leave them alone and then punish them afterwards? And you think they’ll be better equipped for the big wide world after that?

DrSbaitso · 19/02/2022 19:34

@HoneyFlowers

Depends on age of child. However I know a mum who every time her child makes a mistake (no where near as bad as biting) tits are removed for a week and basic diet, no sweets, in fact child has to sit and watch everyone eat their sweets for a week.
The autocorrect there was brilliant. Everything else is sinister. I have a friend whose mother was like that and she can't figure out why her daughter now lives in Australia and never wants to speak.
QforCucumber · 19/02/2022 19:41

Basics of it are that @Pumperthepumper has never had a biter or a scratcher so just doesn’t get it! Ds1 didn’t do any of it either so I could quite easily take their stance, until Ds2 who does scratch - he’s 20 months, you say no he scratches and tantrums. You peel his banana wrong he does it (and there’s no knowing it’s wrong until it’s done) you give him something on a purple plate when he wants the blue one but asked for the purple one, he scratches and tantrums. Toddlers are irrational and I wholeheartedly disagree that all tantrums can be pre empted.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 19:44

@QforCucumber

Basics of it are that *@Pumperthepumper* has never had a biter or a scratcher so just doesn’t get it! Ds1 didn’t do any of it either so I could quite easily take their stance, until Ds2 who does scratch - he’s 20 months, you say no he scratches and tantrums. You peel his banana wrong he does it (and there’s no knowing it’s wrong until it’s done) you give him something on a purple plate when he wants the blue one but asked for the purple one, he scratches and tantrums. Toddlers are irrational and I wholeheartedly disagree that all tantrums can be pre empted.
I wholeheartedly agree with you! Every child is different!
hellithurt · 19/02/2022 19:45

@AnAverageMum

Op youre normal, as you know. Normal, normal, normal. They ARE annoying sometimes, bloody annoying! Your DH done what he thought was right at the time but maybe actually wasn’t the best course (all been there.)

Sound like 2 perfectly good parents who love their son. The ones bleating anger management - have a day off.

100%
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 19:47

@QforCucumber

Basics of it are that *@Pumperthepumper* has never had a biter or a scratcher so just doesn’t get it! Ds1 didn’t do any of it either so I could quite easily take their stance, until Ds2 who does scratch - he’s 20 months, you say no he scratches and tantrums. You peel his banana wrong he does it (and there’s no knowing it’s wrong until it’s done) you give him something on a purple plate when he wants the blue one but asked for the purple one, he scratches and tantrums. Toddlers are irrational and I wholeheartedly disagree that all tantrums can be pre empted.
No, that’s incorrect, I did. And at no point have I said ‘all tantrums can be pre empted’.
nottoday3000 · 19/02/2022 19:47

Has anybody suggested ltb yet..Christ all mighty yes totally over the top, although the toy has been given back now, unfortunately children don't come with handbooks do they? But you do need to correct bad behaviour though with age appropriate learning, time outs etc you start now OP so they know boundaries later on when they are older at school etc, I tell my 21 year old off as he looks down on me because he's now taller 😂😂😂 you BOTH have to be on the same page though, otherwise they play one off against the other!! Hard age toddlers totally unreasonable they aren't called mini terrorists for nothing good luck

Dibbydoos · 19/02/2022 20:00

@Porcupineintherough

Yes YABU, the two of you need to work as a team. If you dont want this type of punishment for your ds then agree that separately with his dad (or at least warn him that you wont be enforcing it in future) dont just undermine him now because it is easier for you. At least that's my advice if he's 3 or above.Younger than that then it's an inappropriate punishment for his age and I would give it back.
I agree!
ancientgran · 20/02/2022 12:58

@Pumperthepumper Why does it have to be someone with them all the time? Because how do you prevent it happening if you've say gone to the loo or went into the kitchen to get their lunch? It takes seconds for a 2 or 3 year old to change from playing nicely to taking a bite out of their sibling/friend. Most people also leave their children at nursery/preschool/an activity at some stage and you can't expect a teacher/group leader to be hovering over your child in case they get upset or want something.

ancientgran · 20/02/2022 12:59

Posted too soon. I'm not advocating leaving them alone, I'm advocating them learning to regulate their own behaviour so you can go to the loo or answer the phone and expect them not to hurt someone else.