Page 12 | To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

toddlertantrumishell · 2022-02-19T12:54:58+00:00

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend. Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums? Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

Suzanne999 · 19/02/2022 17:51

He’s not even 3? Your DH needs a reality check. Nearly 3 year old bites he gets3 minutes time out, DH gives sad face it’s not nice to bite, we don’t do it. The End.
Punishing a 2 years old for two days is pointless —- and mean.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:52

[quote ancientgran]**@Pumperthepumper* Punishing the kid afterwards doesn’t stop the biting that’s already happened though.* I'd worked that out, I don't have a time machine. The point is you can't always be hovering over children just in case they feel like biting someone, they need to learn that some things just aren't acceptable and be able to control their own behaviour.

It is part of developing their independence, preparing them to go out and mix with other children and be able to have friends.[/quote]
Some "perfect" parents think that helicopter parenting is possible!

ancientgran · 19/02/2022 17:52

@toddlertantrumishell

I really don't know where this narrative about DH being a dick has come from, he misstepped, haven't we all? I rang him after I gave it back and he understood straight away and said god yeah don't put yourself through hell all weekend. He wasn't doing it deliberately because he was away and I had to deal with it, I was just frustrated that that was what the situation happened to be. He didn't scream at our son and tear it away from him, when toddler bit him he said you need to be nice to people if you want nice things, and moved the tower into a different room. Neither of us are angry and aggressive just first time parents muddling through as best as we can, he thought it might help and didn't realise it wasn't really age appropriate. We've had a chat and he's going to look into tantrum handling tactics before acting in future if he isn't sure whether something is age appropriate. He's away at a funeral this weekend whilst I'm with toddler, I had a 'day off' yesterday to have a break before the weekend at his suggestion. We are very happy to be expecting a second child and he's a supportive partner who probably did more night feeds than I did, gets up with DS 5 mornings a week and lets me lie in, does just as much as me around the house and is a hands on loving parent - not that any of this is relevant to the situation but somehow people are making insane reaches from a well intentioned mistake that's been dealt with.

There is a certain mindset on MN that you see alot, men are always dicks regardless.

I'm glad you've talked to your DH and he understands, he sounds great. Perhaps he was a bit on edge yesterday if he was off to a funeral rather than a jolly as people jumped to.

I can sort of imagine him talking about giving it back when he gets home as that's when he would be able to give it back but of course that is leaving out the fact that you could give it back. We don't always get everything right do we.

I hope you've had a chance to put your feet up if little one is playing happily and don't let judgement on here get to you.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:56

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper sigh not flouncing, just not feeding you! I suppose I'll be wrong to be back, I'd be wrong if I stayed away?

You were totally wrong and didn't even read the OP, before you set off on your tirade!

You clearly like a five year old, need the last word so go on!

But in future do read the OP at least, making things up that aren't there is fucking irritating and embarrass you!

Anyway G&T time for me! (Awaits cries of alcoholism and not looking after my children properly, FTI they're 29 and 27 years)

[/quote]
A third flounce now? Are you staying with more insults or going?

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:57

[quote ancientgran]**@Pumperthepumper* Punishing the kid afterwards doesn’t stop the biting that’s already happened though.* I'd worked that out, I don't have a time machine. The point is you can't always be hovering over children just in case they feel like biting someone, they need to learn that some things just aren't acceptable and be able to control their own behaviour.

It is part of developing their independence, preparing them to go out and mix with other children and be able to have friends.[/quote]
It absolutely is part of their development. So why punish them for it? Why not guide them out of it?

SlashBeef · 19/02/2022 17:59

OP dont worry about it. So many parents threaten nonsensical punishments and then either have to follow them through because of pride or backtrack because they know they're wrong.
My DH threatened to through all the tablets and gaming devices in the bin if the kids didn't tidy their toys 🙄 I told him you and I both know you won't throw them away, so why bother threatening it?
Instead I advised him to say "When you've tidied the toys left out, then you can have your screens."
Works much better and there's no room for negotiation really and the "punishment" happens automatically. They don't get to do the thing they want to do.

Lia198 · 19/02/2022 18:01

My husband always gives our kids screen bans as punishment for when he’s going to be working and I have to deal with the fallout! So annoying!

Hertsgirl10 · 19/02/2022 18:03

[quote toddlertantrumishell]@Hertsgirl10 I don't really want to humour you with a reply to be honest, but seriously? Toddlers can be really irritating, regardless of what set them off, there aren't many parents that haven't lost it at one point. You seriously think that noticing, and acknowledging that I was being snappy and starting to lose my temper, taking steps to calm down, stepping away from the situation, taking myself off for a cuppa, posting this thread seeking advice and then calmly addressing the situation and having a good conversation with my son about his emotions and how it's ok to have strong feelings, but it's not ok to be violent - is worthy of anger management? Isn't that the exact way to manage your temper?

I think my posts again highlight that, yes the first one when I had literally just walked away from the situation and was feeling stressed was ranty and sweary. The rest were calm and showed that I had clearly reflected on the situation and dealt with appropriately. Not once was my child affected by any anger. I'm not really sure what more you want from me, but feel free to share some perfect parenting tips as I've never met one before you.[/quote]
@toddlertantrumishell

Ok …

Well you your whole AIBU was about your DH punishing your kid on his own time, not it the punishment was ok for him at his age.
You said yourself you only wanna give it back cos it was annoying you and you was gonna lose it with your 2 year old.
I don’t know anyone in real life that talks like that about a baby, even one’s having tantrums. But take offence instead of advice.
Your other comments were all very different after seeing what others said about the punishment being too harsh for his age. You didn’t do AIBU for the punishment it was about him doing this in his time with the child, you was just annoyed that you couldn’t think of anything other than giving the toy back to stop the noise and him tearing around the house.
You also changed your tune about your husband on here too.
So your both amazing parents that don’t need advice, show this post to your health visitor or nursery staff and see if they think your original post is how people speak about their babies, then tell me it’s normal, I have a feeling you won’t.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:06

@Pumperthepumper for someone who leads and guides their child all the time, it's time consuming etc, you spend a fuck load of time on MN! Who is helicopter parenting them at the moment?

So I haven't flounced, but you'll say you're back again like a five year old!

You got the whole thread wrong! Again read the IP at the very least!

AuntMargo · 19/02/2022 18:07

Your husband is stupid !!! The little lad is not even 3 yet he is being punished for several days for a tantrum that is part of learning, and should be dealt with at the time. Is your husband not very bright ?

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 18:08

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper for someone who leads and guides their child all the time, it's time consuming etc, you spend a fuck load of time on MN! Who is helicopter parenting them at the moment?

So I haven't flounced, but you'll say you're back again like a five year old!

You got the whole thread wrong! Again read the IP at the very least! [/quote]
I was wrong.

So were you. At least I apologised.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:09

@Pumperthepumper I'm only arguing on here with you, the other poster had the good grace to leave after she missed the fact that the OP had been "child free" the day before.

You're agreeing with at least five people, have you considered anger management help?

On and on and on you go!

Suzi888 · 19/02/2022 18:09

@AskingforaBaskin

He's 2?! What a dick move on his part. He won't even associate his loss with that bite. Give it back and tell your DH not to be so ridiculous

^ I think it’s too long. YANBU Basically your DH doesn’t want to deal with it, so he goes away and when he comes back he gets the toy back. How convenient for your DH!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/02/2022 18:10

We have a house rule that no parent can make a commitment that they are not in a position to carry out without the consent of the other parent who will actually be stuck with the commitment whether or not they wanted it.

So I would have told DH that if he wasn't in a position to carry out the punishment he shouldn't have imposed it.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 18:10

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper I'm only arguing on here with you, the other poster had the good grace to leave after she missed the fact that the OP had been "child free" the day before.

You're agreeing with at least five people, have you considered anger management help?

On and on and on you go!

[/quote]
Why are you arguing with me? You’ve left the thread three times now and returned to have a go.

And you refuse to apologise. Why?

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:12

@Pumperthepumper because it was t me that got it wrong it was you sweetie!

You got it all wrong, you've admitted it!

You may feel I've projected, I haven't and you admitted you just made the punishment thing up! Presumably to prove you were right, it hasn't worked you said, when it was never said they'd been punished before!

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:13

^wasn't

Momicrone · 19/02/2022 18:13

You can't complain about your dh in your op, and then complain about posters slagging him off

FortniteBoysMum · 19/02/2022 18:13

Dp does this all the time. Takes away our sons gaming time using parental controls as punishment. However only ever when his at work. If he tells him his not getting it the next day and his off you can bet your life he will let him have it. Icome in from work and his on a game. When I question it he says his been good so I gave it back. Pisses me off because he won't give me the password so if his behaving for me I can't give it back which puts him in a mood. If you know where the toy is give it back but put it away just before his due home.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:16

@Momicrone

You can't complain about your dh in your op, and then complain about posters slagging him off

I don't think she's complaining about them slagging him off for what was in the OP, it's all the projection about LTB and why wasn't he home.

I agree he was unfair initially, but let's not assume he's an awful DH or DF. Parenting is tough and we all make mistakes. In fairness he's agreed it was out of order. They're first time parents with another on the way, give them a break?

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:18

@FortniteBoysMum

Dp does this all the time. Takes away our sons gaming time using parental controls as punishment. However only ever when his at work. If he tells him his not getting it the next day and his off you can bet your life he will let him have it. Icome in from work and his on a game. When I question it he says his been good so I gave it back. Pisses me off because he won't give me the password so if his behaving for me I can't give it back which puts him in a mood. If you know where the toy is give it back but put it away just before his due home.

I'm sorry but I absolutely would not have a parent having the password and not the other! That's just not fair.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 19/02/2022 18:23

Why would a nursery worker or HV care about a mother stepping away from a stressful situation and venting here, @Hertsgirl10?

You're making something out of nothing. Why is that?

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 18:23

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper because it was t me that got it wrong it was you sweetie!

You got it all wrong, you've admitted it!

You may feel I've projected, I haven't and you admitted you just made the punishment thing up! Presumably to prove you were right, it hasn't worked you said, when it was never said they'd been punished before! [/quote]
I really don’t think I’ve said anything so controversial that makes your reaction any way proportionate. I read the OP wrong and I apologised. I don’t believe punishing children is a good thing to do, and I’ve explained why. You need to back off.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/02/2022 18:25

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou

Why would a nursery worker or HV care about a mother stepping away from a stressful situation and venting here, *@Hertsgirl10*?

You're making something out of nothing. Why is that?

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou They wouldn’t, but you know full well that isn’t what I was talking about.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 18:27

@Pumperthepumper well we will have to agree to disagree won't we?

I'm sure everyone is bored with it now, so let's just move on.