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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think punish him on your own bloody time and give DS his toy back?

532 replies

toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 12:54

DS very favourite toy is his paw patrol tower and all of the characters and cars that park in it. It is all he plays with. Yesterday I was out for the day and DS had lots of tantrums with DH and DS bit him. As punishment DH took his tower and all the cars and characters away from him and has said he can have them back Sunday night when DH gets home if he's been a good boy all weekend.

Of course DS shouldn't be biting, and his tantrums are savage and go on for fucking ages, I get it. But it's midday Saturday and I'm alone with him all weekend and he's doing my absolutely head in. He's done nothing but cry and whine and moan. He won't play it with anything else he's tearing around the house looking for his tower. I cannot deal with the crying anymore and I'm in for an entire weekend of a relentlessly tantrumming toddler, because he's being punished for annoying DH with tantrums?

Aibu to think punish him in your own bloody time and don't make me deal with the reality of it?! I want to give it back just to stop the fucking noise before I really lose it with him myself. I'm pregnant and knackered and honestly he is on my final nerve

OP posts:
velvet24 · 19/02/2022 17:21

@babyjellyfish

With all due respect, if you’ve got one child under a year, you’re perhaps not the expert in toddler discipline that you think you are…

And the OP's absent husband is?

A 1 year old is still a baby, you have no idea about toddlers. The husband is not 'absent'
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 19/02/2022 17:22

YABU in that there has to be consistency and not giving in because you cba. YANBU in that your DH is imposing a punishment for way too long- a few minutes is more like it.

velvet24 · 19/02/2022 17:24

@OfstedOffred

It isn't fair to the biter or the bitten to let it go on. I think it is one of the things that will make other children and their parents avoid your child.

This. My child was on the receiving end of this behaviour and the parent imposed no consequences, my child did not understand why the other child was seemingly allowed to hurt them or was even distracted by being taken off and given a snack or a different fun toy (helloooooo.... most forms of distraction constitute the child who has been bitten being given attention and essentially being rewarded for the behaviour).

Yes, my child at age 2 was biting and he did have consequences and it stopped very quickly!
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:24

@hellithurt

You're way to invested in this post and your self praise of your parenting style is no recommendation!

You've also projected that the child is constantly disciplined for the biting? The OP says he bites, but not mentioned any previous disciplines? And you say I'm projecting? GrinGrin

With your helicopter parenting"style" no with nest you're bitter if a DH gets some free time, it sounds utterly exhausting.

I think you need to step back from this thread. You’ve obviously found other people’s opinions quite difficult to read.
velvet24 · 19/02/2022 17:25

Gosh you're patronising !!!

QuinkWashable · 19/02/2022 17:26

Toddlers won't understand this - it needs to be immediate.

If they do understand, then they need to earn back - give them tasks so they can (I've only used this up to about 7 - past that they understand full and well).

At some point, the sacrifice to you outweighs the required rules to control a child. You need to carefully judge that point. I have 2 kids that are welcomed on playdates, so i assume I did OK

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:26

@Pumperthepumper 😂!!

No comment on your projection about punishment and it not working for OP? Like she ever said she'd punished him before.... interesting.

Selective reading, strange that a teacher should have that?

Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 17:27

DS bit when he was a lot younger, we had a couple of biting incidents at nursery and I spoke to his key worker then about the best way to deal with it as I wasn't sure. I'm not ignoring it and it got better for many months. He was bit at nursery a couple of weeks ago and since then it's been an issue as he's started doing it again. He has bitten three times in the past two weeks and the two where I was there he was firmly told no, explained to that it's ok to be angry and upset but it's not ok to hurt. When he did it to DH he thought well he's not learnt from my way so let's try this. I'm not even sure if that comment was directed at me or related to the people arguing between themselves on the post but it's really not a habit I'm ignoring or encouraging.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:30

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper 😂!!

No comment on your projection about punishment and it not working for OP? Like she ever said she'd punished him before.... interesting.

Selective reading, strange that a teacher should have that? [/quote]
You’re right. I apologise for my misreading of the OP.

Do you want to apologise for your projections too?

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:31

@toddlertantrumishell

DS bit when he was a lot younger, we had a couple of biting incidents at nursery and I spoke to his key worker then about the best way to deal with it as I wasn't sure. I'm not ignoring it and it got better for many months. He was bit at nursery a couple of weeks ago and since then it's been an issue as he's started doing it again. He has bitten three times in the past two weeks and the two where I was there he was firmly told no, explained to that it's ok to be angry and upset but it's not ok to hurt. When he did it to DH he thought well he's not learnt from my way so let's try this. I'm not even sure if that comment was directed at me or related to the people arguing between themselves on the post but it's really not a habit I'm ignoring or encouraging.
Of course you're not! It will stop, just keep going.
Original poster
toddlertantrumishell · 19/02/2022 17:31

I have no idea which comments are towards me at this point I'm not trying to be patronising at all, but I am for some reason taking comments to heart and overly explaining to try and show that I am well intentioned and a good mother, but none of you know me and will think what you think regardless so it's a bit silly defending myself and DH repeatedly so I'll leave it there Grin

OP posts:
hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:32

@Pumperthepumper no thanks 👋 👋

At least you've admitted you were wrong!

Soontobe60 · 19/02/2022 17:32

@tillytoodles1

My husband told our son he couldn't play outside after being cheeky to him. He was 10 at the time, so he understood, but I was the one who was with him after school while he was at work and he drove me mad, bouncing his football around in his bedroom. In the end I practically threw him out of the door to go and play. Tell you husband that if he wants to take something away from your son, he should be there, not leave it to you to suffer.
Er, why didn’t you just take the football off him???
velvet24 · 19/02/2022 17:32

You are not patronising, Pumper is !

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:33

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper no thanks 👋 👋

At least you've admitted you were wrong! [/quote]
I was wrong. But so were you.

Soontobe60 · 19/02/2022 17:33

@toddlertantrumishell

He's nearly 3 so he's too young to even understand a punishment like this in my opinion, to be honest I think he's too young for any sort of punishment he should be redirected and firmly told not to bite which is how I deal with it but DH said he's done this as my way isn't working

It's still a pretty new toy so he's obsessed with it and nothing else is good enough I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually but he's breaking his heart for it and I'm torn between feeling sorry for him and being so wound up by the relentless whining. I can feel myself getting irritated and snappy with him and I don't want the whole weekend to be unpleasant and stressy

So you want him to have it back because he’s annoying you?
velvet24 · 19/02/2022 17:33

OP- you are doing fine and i don't think what your dh did was 'that' bad but not suitable for the age as the child would not understand, should have taken the toy away for a little while or used time out for 2 mins, calms everyone down !

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 19/02/2022 17:35

@toddlertantrumishell This all sounds absolutely normal.

You and your husband had a small disagreement about parenting but were able to sort it out happily. Biting is a tricky problem but you are clearly working on it.

I fear you are going to spend the rest of this thread defending yourself over and over again. :o

How is DS now? I hope he's happy to have his toy back and I hope you finally have a little peace and quiet.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/02/2022 17:36

OP, you are doing great. You had a crap time earlier with a stroppy 2 yo, we have all been there.

You & DH are figuring it out, and it's great you're on the same page. 💐

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:37

@Pumperthepumper you read the OP wrong, your posts were relating to an event that hadn't happened, you assumed and projected and you've been shown up!

Get over it, you sound like a five year old !

It's totally embarrassing!

Anyway I'm off again now,

You carry on arguing with the all the others you've locked horns with on this thread. You owe the OP an apology as well.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:42

[quote hellithurt]@Pumperthepumper you read the OP wrong, your posts were relating to an event that hadn't happened, you assumed and projected and you've been shown up!

Get over it, you sound like a five year old !

It's totally embarrassing!

Anyway I'm off again now,

You carry on arguing with the all the others you've locked horns with on this thread. You owe the OP an apology as well. [/quote]
I already have apologised. A second flounce from you? I’m sure you’ll be back.

Pumperthepumper · 19/02/2022 17:44

@EarringsandLipstick

OP, you are doing great. You had a crap time earlier with a stroppy 2 yo, we have all been there.

You & DH are figuring it out, and it's great you're on the same page. 💐

I agree with this too. You’re right in the thick of it and it’s never easy Flowers
alwayssaythankyou · 19/02/2022 17:45

much better to have time out for the same number of minutes as his age. and at the time. this he would understand. the sentence definitely does not fit the crime.
and time out doesn't need to be 'aggressive'. just some time to calm down and know that biting is not acceptable.

ancientgran · 19/02/2022 17:46

@Pumperthepumper Punishing the kid afterwards doesn’t stop the biting that’s already happened though. I'd worked that out, I don't have a time machine. The point is you can't always be hovering over children just in case they feel like biting someone, they need to learn that some things just aren't acceptable and be able to control their own behaviour.

It is part of developing their independence, preparing them to go out and mix with other children and be able to have friends.

hellithurt · 19/02/2022 17:49

@Pumperthepumper sigh not flouncing, just not feeding you! I suppose I'll be wrong to be back, I'd be wrong if I stayed away?

You were totally wrong and didn't even read the OP, before you set off on your tirade!

You clearly like a five year old, need the last word so go on!

But in future do read the OP at least, making things up that aren't there is fucking irritating and embarrass you!

Anyway G&T time for me! (Awaits cries of alcoholism and not looking after my children properly, FTI they're 29 and 27 years)

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