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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 19:25

He is using you for sex. You care for him more than he does for you.

Dump him and get him to move out if you can.

Who owns / rents the house?

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:28

@Arabellla sorry I should of mentioned I was the one that wanted to continue with the sex. He struggled with it at first and didn’t want either of us to get hurt but we talked it out and this is it. He’s not a bad guy. It was his house but it’s been signed over to me now.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2022 19:28

Sounds like he’s getting all his own way
He’s “not a relationship kind of man” but you say you have been in one with him for 14 years which makes no sense at all.
And why exactly do you think he “obviously “ cares about you? There is nothing in your post to suggest that
No harm done as long as you are happy having sex with him with no strings, which is what you expect from a new relationship rather than a man you have spent 14 years with and had 3 children with.
It’s probably pretty confusing for your children too

Cakelover17 · 18/02/2022 19:31

Harm will be done to your children as at some point one of you will want to sleep with someone else and you will fall out. Break ups are so disruptive for kids, I think you should be concentrating on handling it well for them, this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

StripyOnesie · 18/02/2022 19:31

Most people have sex like this when they break up with their partners. It means nothing.

cherrysthename · 18/02/2022 19:33

No harm done at all as long as you're enjoying yourself :)

AffIt · 18/02/2022 19:35

I don't think you get to be a 'not a relationship kind of a person' when you have three children, with whom you presumably have to have some kind of a relationship with their mother for the better part of a decade and a half.

But, you know, fair fucks to both of you, if you're happy with it. I would suggest at least one of you is not, though.

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:41

Erm I don’t need to justify why I know he cares about me. Yes he isn’t a relationship person the same way he was when I met him I was aware of this but we always managed to make it work. Wr talked about it and he said let’s just basically stay together and he will work on it but it’s been this way for a while and I don’t want him to be unhappy obviously so. He’s supported me through my worst mental health issues, he would do anything I needed. We’re really good friends. Not everyone breaks up and hates their ex. Yes there maybe a time when one of us meets someone else - obviously I’m aware of that and self aware enough to know id be okay. We’ve never really fell out as such and if we did we’re both mature adults to put the kids first and work on everything. It didn’t really get intense until he was diagnosed with depression. We’re not stupid the kids have no idea. We’re friendly anyway. I have severe anxiety & attachment disorder with my own parents but have excelled and am a great mother to my kids. I mean I am enjoying myself yeah so is he. There’s no false hope of getting back together on either one’s part. I’m
Not saying the sex means something I’m saying I know it doesn’t. I care about him and want the best for him but I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I need to focus on myself and admit that I can actually be okay on my own & work on being my best self.

OP posts:

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 19:44

A part of you knows you’re deluding yourself, which is why you’v posted here.

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:45

@AffIt okay so when we met I was kinda in a bad place just wanted to feel loved etc I was quite young. I think I bypassed the ‘normal’ relationship kind of way and was happy in the feeling loved. So basically he is loving caring etc. but he needs his own space, doesn’t like to rely on people, doesn’t feel like he should behave a certain way all loved up constantly as that’s just not who he is. He’s a great guy. He just isn’t a relationship kinda person - he will do dinners etc but he does really prefer his hobbies etc. so at first it was fine but then I guess I started wanting all of that other stuff. The flowers, the ring, which I didn’t care about in the early days because I was loved and I loved him but that’s what I mean about the relationship part. He’s not into the typical things people expect in a relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:46

@Arabellla not necessarily. I’m okay with it and I like I said suggested it and wanted it so not really. Just wanted to see if anyone else had the same. All you hear is people hating their exes and we’re not that kinda people.

OP posts:

Cakelover17 · 18/02/2022 19:46

@MagicCurses

Erm I don’t need to justify why I know he cares about me. Yes he isn’t a relationship person the same way he was when I met him I was aware of this but we always managed to make it work. Wr talked about it and he said let’s just basically stay together and he will work on it but it’s been this way for a while and I don’t want him to be unhappy obviously so. He’s supported me through my worst mental health issues, he would do anything I needed. We’re really good friends. Not everyone breaks up and hates their ex. Yes there maybe a time when one of us meets someone else - obviously I’m aware of that and self aware enough to know id be okay. We’ve never really fell out as such and if we did we’re both mature adults to put the kids first and work on everything. It didn’t really get intense until he was diagnosed with depression. We’re not stupid the kids have no idea. We’re friendly anyway. I have severe anxiety & attachment disorder with my own parents but have excelled and am a great mother to my kids. I mean I am enjoying myself yeah so is he. There’s no false hope of getting back together on either one’s part. I’m Not saying the sex means something I’m saying I know it doesn’t. I care about him and want the best for him but I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I need to focus on myself and admit that I can actually be okay on my own & work on being my best self.

Then why ask? You’ve decided, and don’t believe opposing opinions… so just enjoy yourself

BurbageBrook · 18/02/2022 19:47

It’s a pretty common though very unhealthy reaction to a breakup. I’d stop it now, as it won’t help you. It’s a form of emotional self harm.

Arabellla · 18/02/2022 19:48

[quote MagicCurses]@Arabellla not necessarily. I’m okay with it and I like I said suggested it and wanted it so not really. Just wanted to see if anyone else had the same. All you hear is people hating their exes and we’re not that kinda people.[/quote]
And yet you admit it’s a strange situation.

It all sounds quite tawdry.

Just move on,

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 19:48

Google hysterical bonding op..

Cakelover17 · 18/02/2022 19:48

Cross post, you wanted to see if anyone else had the same. You asked ‘no harm done?’ in your OP though, no wanting others experiences which is why I responded with an opinion on it. Like I say, if your happy just enjoy it then

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:49

@Cakelover17 I just don’t like the whole view that he’s using me for sex when I suggested it. It always seems to put the blame on the men and I’m not into that way or thinking. Of course I take opposing opinions but to ask how I’m sure he cares about me I could have written a novel about it. There are so many reasons. It’s not rreally opinion based if he cares or not. Only me and him would know that I don’t see it as important that’s all.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 18/02/2022 19:49

I don’t really understand why you are posting. You seem to understand the situation, and be happy with it. If this is the case, why do you need to discuss it?

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:50

@holly60 I guess you’re right. I’m working now through therapy and I guess needing validation? Needing maybe someone to tell me I’m normal and behaving normal. And someone somewhere has done it and worked it out and it’s came to an okay ending I don’t know.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:54

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping thank you I am aware of that term - strangely I don’t want him back that way I just really enjoy the sex. I want the proper relationship bliss. The ring etc. not that I Will now as my focus is on the kids and myself and I don’t imagine my drive to work on myself will be as strong if we did get back together and like I said. Being in relationships peaks my anxiety because my biggest fear I guess is being alone so I understand that my most anxious times are in relationships so my therapy is really helping me see what’s best for me in a way.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 18/02/2022 19:55

Have faith in your own judgement. If you are looking for someone else to tell you it’s ok, there must be a little voice in you saying it’s not really ok. I’d listen to that voice.

I have no idea why it might not be ok. Only you know why. But if you were totally sure it was right for you, you’d not need any of us to say it.

However you feel is totally valid and right. That’s all I can definitely tell you about this situation.

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:57

@Holly60 thank you so much you have actually really helped. And no the voice that says everything is bad stems from my anxiety and I guess one of my traits is to always assume the worst so I’m
Never disappointed it that makes sense? I’m reallly happy in the situation I guess part of my mental health is thinking I need validation you’re all right. It’s my choice to make and my consequence or not to deal with. Thank you all.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:59

@Holly60 and growing up with a anxious preoccupied attachment makes me as an adult question all of my choices etc. it’s rough but strangely doesn’t affect me and the kids but my partners seem to be massive triggers to that. It’s good I have a really good therapist.

OP posts:

Holly60 · 18/02/2022 19:59

Glad that has helped you work it out. If you are happy- go and enjoy :)

T00Ts · 18/02/2022 20:02

He was either at his hobbies or at work. You cut him some serious (too much) slack and just accepted it, describing him as ‘not a relationship sort of man who needs his own space’. Tough shit. When you’re a husband and a father, you don’t get to have it all your own way. He’s selfish.

And now he’s using you for a posh wank every single night.

Get rid of him, you feel more for him than he does.

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