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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:
T00Ts · 18/02/2022 20:03

Ok I didn’t read the whole thread and may have faux pased.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:06

@T00Ts it’s okay. It’s just strange in that we’re quite odd people I guess! And to be honest that’s the first conclusion I’d come to if someone said it to me that they were sleeping with their ex. But I’ve explained about it above so that’s not really applicable to us.

OP posts:
JellybabyGina87 · 18/02/2022 20:07

I think it's your way of not wanting to let him go. You know that sex is all that is left and of course he will take that without any commitment. Most men would.
You'll end up more hurt in the long run when he starts seeing someone new. He would have more respect for you if you stop encouraging sex because you're making yourself look desperate for him.

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 20:10

"At some point one of you will want to sleep with someone else and you will fall out."

^Quite possible.

I think you'd be better ripping off the band aid, and stopping sooner rather than later. The longer this goes on, the more it'll hurt when it does stop.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:11

@JellybabyGina87 thanks for your opinion. I don’t know that sex is all that’s left. That’s all there needs to be left. I need to work on myself and like I said my anxiety comes from relationships mostly so no I don’t want more than that. I’ve let him go - sex is sex it’s not a marriage proposal. And to me it’s more of a comfortable thing - I lik sex I’m comfortable with him - he’s one of two people I’ve ever had sex with. Like I said major anxiety in relationship. The relationship is ended and I feel amazing in myself honestly. My biggest fear happened and I realised I’m okay. I’m strong. I can do this on my on.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:13

@SoItWas and that’s fine. We don’t own each other nor do we want to. We are a bit more mature than that. Yes it will be sad to give up good sex knowing I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyon else seeing my body etc but not a sadness for him going away etc.

OP posts:
JellybabyGina87 · 18/02/2022 20:14

It'll end in tears trust me. If you're happy with it though good luck to you. It just makes me thankful for my lovely husband when I read things like this.

PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 20:15

Sounds like it might get confusing when he decides to stop having sex with you and moves on with someone else

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:15

@JellybabyGina87 well we can’t all be so lucky can we.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:17

@PolkaSpace that’s fine. I want the best for him. It’s not a lifetime commitment. It’s just sex. People go on a night out and have a one night stand. They aren’t getting hearts broken are they? Id rather it be someone I care for than a stranger.

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 20:19

[quote MagicCurses]@PolkaSpace that’s fine. I want the best for him. It’s not a lifetime commitment. It’s just sex. People go on a night out and have a one night stand. They aren’t getting hearts broken are they? Id rather it be someone I care for than a stranger.[/quote]
Thats fine then as long as you can deal with it when he does move on. Enjoy yourself.

Helenahandkart · 18/02/2022 20:20

If you’re both enjoying the sex and it’s bringing you some pleasure during a tricky time then fill your boots. God knows there’s little enough good sex to be had in life, so go for it.

It is possibly acting as a sticking plaster though, and stopping you from breaking up properly, and at some point it might end and one or both of you might get hurt.
But maybe that’s ok. You can do a staged break-up. Make your own rules. If it’s working ok at the moment then enjoy it, but just be aware that there’s likely to be more difficult times ahead.
Good luck.

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 20:21

As long as you're not mistaking co-dependence, for maturity. There's being the bigger person, then there's screwing your ex, which is a different kettle of fish. It's not unusual, it's just that people don't often talk about it, because they inevitably get lectured on what a bad idea it is. It's a comfort thing, not wanting to let go of the one person you feel you can be truly intimate with.

Do you share a room when he stays?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:21

@PolkaSpace well it’s assumed he will move on. Who’s to say I won’t move on? Therapy is helping me so much maybe one day I will find someone else.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 18/02/2022 20:22

No harm done as you say. If you like the way things are swinging along right now, not sure why you need to write about this issue..You will just have to see how things pan out in the future that's all. There is no knowing how some people's relationships work sometimes.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:23

@SoItWas we do share a room yes. I’ll admit I was very codependent on him and that’s an issue we had for most of our relationship. Since I started therapy this is so much better and no longer the case. Hasn’t been for a long time. I guess even those with the best intentions can unintentionally allow themselves to mutate into a toxic relationship when there are insecurity and mental issues at play. But we’re past all that now.

OP posts:
Livpool · 18/02/2022 20:23

@StripyOnesie

Most people have sex like this when they break up with their partners. It means nothing.
Agree with this - I know I did with a serious ex-BF
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:24

@Helenahandkart thank you. That’s really nice :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:25

@Livpool it does mean nothing. We’re broken up. We’re both aware. It’s not a declaration of love. It’s just sex.

OP posts:
PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 20:25

[quote MagicCurses]@PolkaSpace well it’s assumed he will move on. Who’s to say I won’t move on? Therapy is helping me so much maybe one day I will find someone else.[/quote]
This is true. I hope you do, go out and have a whale of a time. Experiment. Who knows who you will fall for! Good luck and enjoy yourself.

Comedycook · 18/02/2022 20:25

Sounds like he’s getting all his own way

Only if you assume that women don't like sex

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:28

@Comedycook so right. It was my idea. It took me a few days to get him around to the idea and honestly tell him it is what it is. Just sex. He didn’t want to risk hurting us but there’s a risk of that in a relationship isn’t there. It was my idea because I like sex.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:28

@Arabellla

A part of you knows you’re deluding yourself, which is why you’v posted here.
💯 this.

OP, why would you do this to yourself? You are setting yourself up for so much pain.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:31

@EarringsandLipstick because I enjoy sex? I’m aware of the situation and I’m aware of myself and my issues. I’m not under an illusion we will get back together I don’t want that. But in the meantime why not have some really good sex?

OP posts:
cherry2727 · 18/02/2022 20:31

I find it strange - personally.
I know of people who have had sex with exes however they were under the impression that the relationship was going to get rekindled which it didn't . I find it weird that you've been having sex with each other ever since the break up! Personally I'd be too upset over losing someone I once loved to even think of having sex with him!! However , you're both consenting adults and it suits you so I'm sure you will be fine !

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