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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:

lightisnotwhite · 18/02/2022 21:54

@RealBecca

You say you're codependent.

Yet you dont spot that you perceive you've talked him onto every choice...HE didn't want a relationship.. but he did it for me....HE didn't want to carry on having sex. ..but hs let me convince him..

"I'll take ownership of the consequences" is another excuse for you to continue to permit this because it's what you think he wants.

He has enough of a voice to initiate a split. And hell have enough of a voice to meet someone else.

I think you'll be very hurt when you realise how naive you've been when you see him actively pursuing and deciding on a future which doesnt include you.

Not being funny but he has given you the house for an easy life. Think about why.

This. You aren’t listening to him. He doesn’t want to be with you.

He nay have sex because it’s easy and reassuring. He may give you things because he owes you. But he really doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Having sex with him whether you like it or not or if he’s willing is not the answer. It’s the second bottle of wine when you’ve had one. …seems like an obvious move but in real life it’s unhealthy and self indulgent.

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:55

Aren't you worried about being financially reliant on an ex, who could stop being generous at any moment?

Talk4000 · 18/02/2022 22:01

You have all the answers and seem very sure of yourself so why come on and ask?

I could not do what you're doing but we're all different. I cannot reassure you though that this is healthy, in my opinion. Far too many blurred lines. My heart would not cope for so many reasons.

Stinkywizzleteets · 18/02/2022 22:02

I have a couple of mates who sound like they are very like you & your EX OP.

In their situation the mum struggled at times when constantly showing “kindness” towards her partner’s need for solitude. We’ve always wondered why she didn’t get angry and demand more while being landed with the care of her kids, which had a negative effect on her mental health. He was a great dad when he was capable and present and she’d never say anything negative about him but we have eyes and could see the long term situation was not ideal for anyone and was likely harming the mum and kids in ways they weren’t really able to see because of the love they felt for him. They accepted his nomadic ways in the name of love and kindness but that kindness wasn’t reciprocated in the traditional way. They both justified it as a non-traditional relationship but at least one party was clearly unhappy with that and unable to admit that to themselves

Mistaking the good sex as a connection or attraction you share suggestions you’re not really ready to split up and your head isn’t in that space, whatever you’re saying. It can be a way to ease the pain of a separation in the hope it slowly dies out but mostly it can also end up prolonging the relationship or make it harder to finally walk away. It rarely ends well this way and you need to maintain the friendship for the kids.

I genuinely feel for you OP. If your situation is similar to my pals then it’s really really hard for you - maybe it’s time you let your Ex just go, make him leave for good and maintain the necessary comparenting relationship without the added complications

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 22:02

@SoItWas no so joint claim they are aware he’s moving out and has been assessed as an untidy tenancy so whilst still on a joint claim it’s on the basis of individual being me. Uc have sorted it all out.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 22:05

@Stinkywizzleteets yes sounds similar. But we’ve decided to end it. Obviously we’re great parents just not great lovers I guess. When he moves out the situation will change and I’m taking it day by day. It’s always open to change. That’s life.

OP posts:

Rightyouarelove · 18/02/2022 22:12

So much judgement here. So many of us have unusual situations. The key thing (to limit hurt) is that you communicate and are really really honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, doing and why. Great that you have a therapist. Do those things and you’re not going to ruin your children’s lives as has been suggested . My children don’t know about my sex life! Good luck OP

PrettyVacancy · 18/02/2022 22:14

You sound deluded. Sorry, but you do. How does anyone voluntarily do something, in this case have a relationship, for fourteen bloody years if they hate being in a relationship? Is he just as deluded as you?

I feel sorry for your children who are going to feel hurt when their father leaves out of the blue. Please don’t pretend you can explain what’s happening to such young children. Again, if you think you can, your delusion is massive.

Finally, do you think he’ll keep paying your living costs if he meets another woman? Where will his own child go? Is he leaving that one with you so he’s got 21 hours per week hobby time?

Loveandlimpets · 18/02/2022 22:30

It's a mistake to rely on him for money, op. He could turn the tap off at any time.

HelloDulling · 18/02/2022 22:34

If you are still living together, still having sex, still eating meals together etc, what has actually changed? And what does your children understand to have changed?

ukborn · 18/02/2022 22:43

You haven't really broken up if you are still having sex. I did this snd it really meant that it took ages to actually move on. One of you needs to move out and draw the line.

Saysama · 18/02/2022 22:46

[quote MagicCurses]@satelliteheart sounds like you could do with some good sex to be honest.[/quote]
What the actual fuck is this offensive nonsense?

You ask for opinions on your shitshow of a non-relationship, get them and then argue with it insult anyone who says anything you don’t like? What is wrong with you?

KneadingKitty · 18/02/2022 22:58

I see some comments saying he's using you for sex. Maybe so, men do this after all.

To throw another perspective into the ring; I'm an autistic woman and I do not deal with relationships well either. Especially not living together. I learnt this the hard way and would never live with anyone again. I would have a relationship with someone as long as it wasn't being in each other's pockets all the time, like spending all our days at each other's houses/together would be a no for me. It's quite hard to find because people balk at the idea and like others in this thread they assume it's a "using" situation.
Have you talked to him about staying together and living apart?

NicLondon1 · 18/02/2022 23:12

I was wondering if he is on the spectrum?
If not, I'm kind of amazed that you are not livid with him... He has strung you along for years, not really wanting to be with you.
Why did he have kids with you if he didn't see you as a longterm prospect?!
He should never have had children with you if he didn't love you. (And sadly, spending every evening on his own hobbies is not a great indicator of love)
You say you initiated the break up because he was unhappy, but you should have initiated it because he's a commitment-phone.
It really sounds like he needs the therapy more than you...
I'm not saying this to berate you at all - but please, consider what an appalling partner this man has been to you. Get angry!

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 18/02/2022 23:26

Most people have sex like this when they break up with their partners

Really. I never have. And I've had a fair few break-ups!

Yearofthetygerburningbright · 18/02/2022 23:26

Really

Really?

OhWhyNot · 18/02/2022 23:33

This is quite common

Couples know the are not happy together but not quite ready to let go. The sex will be intense as everything is different now

Then one gets over this it meets someone else and the other feels heartbroken and confused

lightisnotwhite · 18/02/2022 23:41

Nothing worthwhile is easy though.

You broke up two weeks ago. You may very well love sex. Even better no strings sex. But that’s not what you have. You have a connection with this guy that needs to be broken romantically and for any future plans.
Your children are the only thing you should be organising together.

The flowers, the ring, which I didn’t care about in the early days because I was loved and I loved him but that’s what I mean about the relationship part. He’s not into the typical things people expect in a relationship.
Until he finds the right woman. Watch him buy a ring skip up the aisle and for all the stuff he tells you he hates.

whynotwhatknot · 18/02/2022 23:42

you havent split up you sleep in the same bed still

if it was just sex h'ed leave the room after or you would do it elsewhere-why are you still in the same bed

haikyew · 18/02/2022 23:44

Enjoy while it lasts
But know that this is only
Gonna cause heartbreak

Judithand · 19/02/2022 00:01

I couldn’t even read all of your posts. You need a lot of attention.

Try to focus on yourself and not needing others approval or input

lemmein · 19/02/2022 00:06

This is a really sad thread OP - maybe what you're saying is true but you sound, for the want of a kinder word, deluded. Have you spoken to your therapist about it?

I really hope everything works out for you, sincerely, you sound very vulnerable - what do family/friends think about your situation?

Fefifobum · 19/02/2022 01:19

It’s all about getting the boaby! If only you guys worked on your relationship as much as your shagging?

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