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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:
SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:17

"When it is released during orgasm, oxytocin helps initiate an emotional bond — the more sex, the greater the bond."

"Endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, also play a key role in long-term relationships. They produce a general sense of well-being, including feeling soothed, peaceful and secure. Like dopamine and norepinephrine, endorphins are released during sex"

Chemical bonding
people.howstuffworks.com/love7.htm

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:20

"Any money we make comes from him anyway. I work part time and that’s always been mine so it’s the same as has always been."

You haven't actually split up then

me4real · 18/02/2022 21:20

I think it makes things more complicated if you keep shagging. It will have some effect on how long it takes for either of you to move on.

I find a Magic Wand vibrator keeps me out of trouble.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:21

@EarringsandLipstick I’ve had the house signed over to me officially. He wanted me and babies here as we’re already settled. They have lived here all their lives. So the house is mine. I’m rely on uc to top up my wages until I increase my hours and then as the shopping for the kids stuff he insisted he still do. As well as some bits for me to help out too.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:22

@SoItWas takes 4 weeks for uc to pay out. Until then it’s the best I can do. We’ve been broken up 2 weeks I can’t just magic money for the babies stuff. They are his kids too. He should pay his share.

OP posts:
3Daddy31982 · 18/02/2022 21:26

He's using you as a human sex doll

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:29

@3Daddy31982 if that’s the case I’m using him as a human sex doll as it was my idea.

OP posts:
RealBecca · 18/02/2022 21:30

You say you're codependent.

Yet you dont spot that you perceive you've talked him onto every choice...HE didn't want a relationship.. but he did it for me....HE didn't want to carry on having sex. ..but hs let me convince him..

"I'll take ownership of the consequences" is another excuse for you to continue to permit this because it's what you think he wants.

He has enough of a voice to initiate a split. And hell have enough of a voice to meet someone else.

I think you'll be very hurt when you realise how naive you've been when you see him actively pursuing and deciding on a future which doesnt include you.

Not being funny but he has given you the house for an easy life. Think about why.

RealBecca · 18/02/2022 21:31

I think you'll be very hurt when you realise how naive you've been when you see him actively pursuing and deciding on a future which doesnt include you.

What I mean is when you see him being active not passive.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:31

@RealBecca because it’s best for his kids that’s why. Not every man is a dick you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:32

@RealBecca that’s fine. I will be in his future I’m the mother of his kids and rightly he respects me as such.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:33

@RealBecca so when we split I said what’s wrong and pressed him as he was seeking a bit off he said just leave it I’ll be okay and then after a while hhe’s said he’s unhappy and I initiated the split. I don’t want to make someon unhappy

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 21:36

Why is everyone saying he is using her for sex as if women can not have a higher sex drive and she told us she is the one who wanted the intimacy to continue and is enjoying the sex. Such an old fashioned idea that women cannot enjoy or want sex. Once you can get used to the fact that you are separating and how do you handle things then. Personally if you are ok with occasional sex but do you condoms and other protection as he may be seeing others. How would you feel about that. It is good you are on friendly terms but things can change in an instant if one of you start seeing someone else seriously. I would take time out for myself and get strong in myself and learn to live independently and do not rush into anything else. You need to have time apart from him so your head is clear and think what is it you really want as he cannot give to you. Enjoy it for what it is now but when he is gone I think for your own mental health it would be better to have a clean break and stay on friendly terms or it will get messy.

averythinline · 18/02/2022 21:37

Its not best for his kids though..you 2 being together....you've pbot separated at all.....he's not being a parent...you are excusing his poor behaviour with your mental health issues....you don't want to listen but u know its wrong in your bones otherwise you wouldn't have posted....

Talk4000 · 18/02/2022 21:37

When there is pressure to be together it can be very stifling for a sex life. You have all these norms that have existed for years and tie you down in invisible knots.

Isn't it funny how when we are 'told' to do something we don't want to do it, but the moment it's not so available anymore it feels more enticing?

I find sex so odd. It's often about power dynamics within our heads.

Talk4000 · 18/02/2022 21:38

But incidentally, what would happen if he told you he won't be staying over tomorrow night and he's going out for a date with someone he met off tinder. "Don't wait up". Wink.

How do you feel about him shagging you and someone else at the same time?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:38

@BOOTS52 thanks! Yes it is me that initiated it. I do have a high sex drive. I mean it’s not about HIM as in I want him it’s the sexual connection. The sexual tension all of that. Yes I’ll be sad when that ends but I won’t be sad losing him just the connection and the sex really. I’m
In therapy doing great. I always prepare myself for the worst so when it happens I’m
Not disappointed as part of my mental issues so I think I got this to be honest 😜

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:41

@Talk4000 oh I wouldn’t be having sex with him I’d there was others involved on either side. Honestly he never has been a very sex all the time person and I knew him years before we got together. He’s later diagnosed with low testosterone so could potentially do without sex I think it’s the connection we have and the sexual attraction driving it at the minute. If he finds someone else I hope he can make him happy because honestly he deserves it. As do I. We’re good people just not good in a relationship or marriage I guess with each other.

OP posts:
SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:42

Can you afford to continue to live your current lifestyle, when he moves out and presumably will have his own rent/mortgages/bills etc to pay, and won't be able to buy you shopping etc?

Do the children know and accept that he's leaving?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:45

@SoItWas so yes I have to rely on uc for a while which I never wanted to do and yes. He makes good money he can afford to get our shopping as well. They know and are adjusting but they are only little and as long as we put them at the focus and adjust them properly and positively there’s no issues. They’ve never seen us fight and never will. We both had pretty shitty childhoods we’ve not brought into our parenting style.

OP posts:
dworky · 18/02/2022 21:45

He isn't a relationship person yet he's been with you 14 years and fathered 3 children.
Say this to yourself a few times, OP without making the usual excuses.

You and the children deserve far more than this debacle!

KerryWeaver · 18/02/2022 21:47

Why did you post this thread?

To convince yourself. We cannot give you this validation. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what we think. Deep down you know the situation for what it is.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:47

@dworky and he deserves someone who isn’t questioning his every mood and constantly seeking reassurance and having major anxiety too. Him being tired triggers my anxiety I think he doesn’t love me then he has to deal with 63636367384 questions sometimes after a 12 hour shift so I can get reassured. We’re both having issues. It’s not a blame game.

OP posts:
SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:48

Also, are you claiming UC as an individual, or as a couple? As far as I know, while he's living with you, his income will be factored into your claim? So when he moves out, you'll have to report the change of circumstances, and they'll reasess. If you've claimed as a single parent/living alone, and he's found to still be living with you, you could get done for benefit fraud.

CatJumperTwat · 18/02/2022 21:50

@SoItWas

Is he planning to move out?

Having read your updates, you still seem like a couple? You live together, parent together, sleep together (literally). In what ways are you "broken up" or ex's?

Sounds like it's exactly the same relationship but now he can shag around and the OP will have to be cool with it.