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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:31

@EarringsandLipstick and then maybe in the future I’ll find someone when I’m a new and improved shiny version of myself without my issues.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:33

[quote MagicCurses]@Comedycook so right. It was my idea. It took me a few days to get him around to the idea and honestly tell him it is what it is. Just sex. He didn’t want to risk hurting us but there’s a risk of that in a relationship isn’t there. It was my idea because I like sex.[/quote]
This doesn't ring remotely true, particularly with how you describe yourself & your past.

This is all this man is prepared to give you. And you'll take it because it's all that's available.

How does a couple go from being a couple with 3 children FFS to happily being FWB & having sex each night in an uncomplicated way with no feelings on either side?

How are you squaring it with the DC?

booplefloof · 18/02/2022 20:34

Honestly it's not a special unique situation. Happens A LOT.

He is getting his end away while he still can. And then he will walk away and not look back.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:35

@cherry2727 I guess without the pressure of a relationship for different reasons we’re much happier. I’m not anxious - he’s not constantly managing my emotions or me trying to get him to manage them for me or feed me constant reassurance about why he loves me etc. he’s not wanting to have space but worried to mention it to me because ill get upset and take it personally. We love each other we just don’t work in a relationship. We both know that and see the improvement since it ended.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:35

[quote MagicCurses]@EarringsandLipstick because I enjoy sex? I’m aware of the situation and I’m aware of myself and my issues. I’m not under an illusion we will get back together I don’t want that. But in the meantime why not have some really good sex?[/quote]
Having good sex - great!

Breaking up with your long-term partner & father to your children, who hasn't been able to give you what you need emotionally or in a relationship, and then having sex with no relationship - it's just short-changing yourself. You wanted the relationship. All of a sudden, you don't & you're cool with just having sex.

He's using you. You are letting him. Break up & work out co-parenting.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:36

[quote MagicCurses]@EarringsandLipstick and then maybe in the future I’ll find someone when I’m a new and improved shiny version of myself without my issues.[/quote]
So much harder if you are going to keep the connection to him by having sex.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:37

I mean he won’t walk away and not look back because he has kids but yeah whatever. Men are all shit and they can’t care about women just want sex. Nothing about it being my idea. Why aren’t I shit? Why aren’t I using him for sex? Oh yeah because I’m a woman.

OP posts:
averythinline · 18/02/2022 20:38

What sort of relationship is he having with the kids when he's not shagging you/ working or doing his hobbies??
How much parenting is he doing? As in the grunt work...of cooking/cleaning/organising ????
3 kids and he turns up to fuck u then off to work/ hobbies...
Sounds a real prize parent....not..
Sorry u sound completely deluded/gaslit into thinking this is ok...
I quite fancy his life......oh no.....3 kids to sort....when do u get to do hobbies...

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:39

Why aren’t I using him for sex? Oh yeah because I’m a woman.

Nope.

It's because you are a woman that loves him more than he loves you and wanted a relationship when he didn't.

You've said it yourself.

He is not worth this. Properly end it, he moves out, you can move on in time.

PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 20:39

@MagicCurses

I mean he won’t walk away and not look back because he has kids but yeah whatever. Men are all shit and they can’t care about women just want sex. Nothing about it being my idea. Why aren’t I shit? Why aren’t I using him for sex? Oh yeah because I’m a woman.
You are. But that's fine.
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:40

@EarringsandLipstick erm. I wanted a relationship yes. In the early years he was basically my emotional support. I took everything. Asked him to fix every problem. Cried for hours while he sat up needing to go to work because I maybe felt insecure in myself. He’s done everything he can to give me the reassurance I craved and there becomes w point to where you can’t live like that. Nothing could of gave me the security or reassurance apart from myself. I understand that through therapy the validation I need needs To come from me. Not even the best man could give that to me. He’s a good guy

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:41

And OP, your own thread title calls it 'such a strange situation'

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:41

@averythinline so he cooks cleans and is here all day he isn’t at work. His hobbies are evenings so after the kids are getting bathed for bed. Does wakeups and breakfasts when he’s home. He’s quite good in that way.

OP posts:
satelliteheart · 18/02/2022 20:42

What is the actual point of this thread?! Anyone that tells you this is a bad idea and you'll get hurt you argue with and insist you'll be fine. So what do you want from this thread?! Are you trying to brag about the great sex you're having? Cause news flash love, many of us have phenomenal sex with men who care about us enough to remain in a committed relationship with us which is probably much better than the half arsed sex you're getting from your commitment-phobe ex. Why start this thread at all?

Hoppinggreen · 18/02/2022 20:42

@MagicCurses

Erm I don’t need to justify why I know he cares about me. Yes he isn’t a relationship person the same way he was when I met him I was aware of this but we always managed to make it work. Wr talked about it and he said let’s just basically stay together and he will work on it but it’s been this way for a while and I don’t want him to be unhappy obviously so. He’s supported me through my worst mental health issues, he would do anything I needed. We’re really good friends. Not everyone breaks up and hates their ex. Yes there maybe a time when one of us meets someone else - obviously I’m aware of that and self aware enough to know id be okay. We’ve never really fell out as such and if we did we’re both mature adults to put the kids first and work on everything. It didn’t really get intense until he was diagnosed with depression. We’re not stupid the kids have no idea. We’re friendly anyway. I have severe anxiety & attachment disorder with my own parents but have excelled and am a great mother to my kids. I mean I am enjoying myself yeah so is he. There’s no false hope of getting back together on either one’s part. I’m Not saying the sex means something I’m saying I know it doesn’t. I care about him and want the best for him but I don’t want to be in a relationship with him. I need to focus on myself and admit that I can actually be okay on my own & work on being my best self.
Well that all sounds perfect then So why have you posted on here?
cherry2727 · 18/02/2022 20:42

I'm also intrigued op how it works - do you initiate most or all of it or does he also initiate sex? I always thought that sex with the ex is one of those oops moment In life you happen to do and regret afterwards so just intrigued really. I just hope you're genuinely happy with it and not falsely getting your hopes up! If you are clear on this then I'm sure you will be fine !

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:44

@averythinline and no he doesn’t turn up. We’re currently still living together. If he’s off because work is quiet he does hobbies every night until around 10pm from 7ish. But this is what I mean. To anyone else that would be normal but not to someone with attachment problems and anxiety and issues.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:44

@MagicCurses

Ok. But the point is the same. You wanted relationship & a commitment. He didn't, despite 3 DC. He prefers to spend time on his hobbies, being tired from his hobbies, and working.

Who took (takes) care of your DC & household / life admin? You, of course.

Honestly OP, this man is bad news. He's not properly had a relationship for 14 years, now you are letting him have sex on tap with no other expectations.

What age are your DC? Do they know you've split up? When will you tell them?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:45

@satelliteheart sounds like you could do with some good sex to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:46

@EarringsandLipstick my two are 3 & 2. He has an older son who also lives with us. He has all of his life so he’s basically my eldest child.

OP posts:
maryzx · 18/02/2022 20:46

I very rarely agree with @EarringsandLipstick, but I do in this case.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:46

If he’s off because work is quiet he does hobbies every night until around 10pm from 7ish. But this is what I mean. To anyone else that would be normal but not to someone with attachment problems and anxiety and issues.

OP, no it wouldn't be normal. Not to do 3 hours of hobbies every night.

You are blaming yourself - stop. I'd warrant if you were with a half decent guy, you'd have a lot less anxiety and attachment issues.

14 years. 3 DC. And he never felt like being in a relationship. Ffs.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:48

@maryzx

I very rarely agree with *@EarringsandLipstick*, but I do in this case.
😂 I didn't even know I was someone whose name anyone would pick out! Or that I had (usually) views that would cause opposition!

I don't ever name change I suppose.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:50

@EarringsandLipstick every night is since we have split. Before that was two nights a week but his work has slowed right down so he’s here a lot more thes past 2-3 weeks. He did feel like being in a relationship. Honestly I’m hard work I’m a massive ball of anxiety riddled childhood issues and he’s dealt with that a long time. I wouldn’t have the strength to. He’s just not into the flowers, marriage etc. but he will be in a relationship he would just rather do his own stuff. Doesn’t really apply to the kids. They adore him and he spends all his other fee time doting on them as well as his eldest son who he has had with him all of his life

OP posts:
TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 18/02/2022 20:51

I don't really understand what you are hoping to get out of this post? Is it some sort of validation that what you are doing is ok?

Also please can you stop putting basically at the start of every sentence cos you sound like my 12 year old.