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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Such a strange situation

148 replies

MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 19:22

Okay so basically me and my ex partner broke up two weeks ago. First time this has happened and we have had a 14 year relationship with 3 children.

We have both had issues in the past. I suffer with anxiety & insecurity in myself which I have been getting therapy for for just over two years. He had struggled with depression and thrives when he is basically on his own.

He’s a fantastic father to the kids but basically we’ve had our issues on and off where we have periods of unhappiness with each other that probably stems back to things we maybe resent the other for it that makes sense. I love him, he loves me and we love the kids. He doesn’t and never has been a relationship kind of man and does like his own space from time to time. We have had a mutually agreed breakup. I would stay and make it work for the kids but seeing him unhappy in relationship makes my heart break and obviously there are things within him that get to me - hobbies, he’s always tired due to hobbies which take up a lot of his time. He also works a lot.

So basically we have been having sex since the night of the breakup really. Nearly every night - really passionate but not in a I love you way. It’s more raw sexual tension. He and I obviously care about each other - he’s in the stages of moving out and neither of us want to get back together but without the pressure of the relationship and me constantly questioning why he would love me and if he is happy with me etc we are so much better. My mental health had improved so much in such a short time and I’m focused on me, which I wasn’t before. I love sex and I feel comfortable with him and we are very sexually attracted to each other. No harm done right?

OP posts:
maryzx · 18/02/2022 20:51

Sorry @EarringsandLipstick - I didn't mean to spook you. I only noticed you because your posting style is so similar to another poster from back when it was all fields around here.

I name change approximately every other day...

Gilly12345 · 18/02/2022 20:51

For your mental health and the stability of your children, you are either together or separated.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:52

@EarringsandLipstick I’ve always been anxious. Was in therapy from a young age. Attachment issues to my parents. There’s traits that stay with you. Kinda hurt inner child I guess. It takes intensive therapy but no one can lessen this for me apart from myself and therapy.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/02/2022 20:53

I have read your responses and honestly from what you have said you need a clean and easy break. Not this. I suspect you have posted because part of you knows this - knows that for you (and you are the only one that matters) this isn't right.

And hobbies from 7-10 every night isn't normal, it isn't your attachment and anxiety issues

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:53

@maryzx

Sorry *@EarringsandLipstick* - I didn't mean to spook you. I only noticed you because your posting style is so similar to another poster from back when it was all fields around here.

I name change approximately every other day...

That's interesting! I'm new-ish, in MN terms, only since 2017 or so & maybe only posting since 2018.

(Sorry to be egotistically derailing OP!)

romdowa · 18/02/2022 20:54

You've talked yourself into excusing his actions and accepting his breadcrumbs. If this acceptance has come from therapy , my suggestion is to seek a new therapist who isn't brainwashing you into accepting bullshit behaviour from a cf

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:56

@romdowa not going to entertain with a proper comment. You obviously haven’t read what I’ve said that I was the one that wanted it this way. I need to be able to work on myself before I let someone in again. He has his own issues. And like I say I mean it’s the balance between really. A married couple who spend no time apart aren’t exactly the picture of healthiness are they? Or those who share passwords, check each other’s phones and all the other codependent shit.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 18/02/2022 20:56

How are you going to feel when he’s found someone else to have sex with?

Be prepared. These “bit a relationship man” men are often married very shortly after leaving a long term relationship.

PolkaSpace · 18/02/2022 20:57

What's the issue then if you're fine with it?

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 20:57

@MagicCurses

I feel really sorry for you, genuinely, reading your updates. That all sounds v tough. I've had my own battles with anxiety as well as abusive exHs.
(I am on MN right now as a way to distract myself from how lonely I feel, to be very truthful).

Honestly, it's not your fault that this relationship didn't work. I'm not doubting that you've had many issues - as have so many of us - but you've somehow got into believing that your the cause of everything that isn't right. You aren't.

You have two tiny children too. If he was finding your anxiety hard, why stay in a long relationship & have two DC?

I hope you can move on from this man & be happy 💐

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 20:58

@VodselForDinner that doesn’t matter. As long as he continues to be a great father I will work out the consequences of my choice through therapy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 21:00

Sorry, but this is going to end disastrously. You may think you're both on the same page, that it's just meaningless fun, but it's not. It will all backfire spectacularly. Whatever you do, don't get pregnant.

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:00

@EarringsandLipstick I guess he always thought he could help me to get well. I helped him through his depression and honestly my anxiety peaked during pregnancy and I’ve managed to reign it back in now. Yes I do self blame and hate on myself alot to be honest. While he was still here trying to fix me I wasn’t getting the help I needed. I was in therapy but not really trying if you see what I mean. I was sporadic with sessions. It’s only since we’ve ended it I am focused on this because I need it for me. He’s very supportive and wants me to get better.

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 18/02/2022 21:01

[quote MagicCurses]@VodselForDinner that doesn’t matter. As long as he continues to be a great father I will work out the consequences of my choice through therapy.[/quote]
That’s a strange way of looking at it.

Surely changing the situation and avoiding needing that therapy would make more sense?

Anyway, best of luck to you. You seem confident that this is the right decision, but I’m guessing the fact that you’ve started a thread about it means there’s a niggle.

SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:02

Is he planning to move out?

Having read your updates, you still seem like a couple? You live together, parent together, sleep together (literally). In what ways are you "broken up" or ex's?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:04

@EarringsandLipstick I think the seeds were sown in my childhood and accelerated by my ex before him. I met him a broken shut down girl with no self confidence no self esteem and an intense desire to just be loved. He’s never done anything to show me he doesn’t love me to be honest but if it was the other way and I was with a man like me - my own mental health couldn’t cope with that and i wouldn’t be happy. I’m not exaggerating that I’d just cry and ask if he love me. Why he loves me when I’m so unlovable and he was that for me for over 10 years. And even now he hasn’t stopped supporting me and seeing me in a higher light than I have ever seen myself. He’s gave me so much to be grateful for. Now it’s my turn to take the reigns and fight for myself and make myself the best I can be.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 18/02/2022 21:04

The reason men have a huge need for hobbies, even though they have a family, is because family life bores them rigid. Its called escapism.
The problem is, you haven't actually split up. You are still living together and having sex nightly as opposed to twice a week. Why the increase? Because its called hysterical bonding. You are trying to create a type of intimacy with him. He is just getting extra helpings of sex. You say it was your idea to carry on with a serial relationship and at first he took some persuading. He certainly seems comfortable with all this extra bonking if he's doing it every night. 14 years and 3 children is a huge amount of your life to share with someone. You haven't any idea of the grief that I'm sure you will feel when you look around your home and all sign of him is gone. All his clothes, his car, him being there when you wake up. It doesn't sound as if he's fighting to keep your family together. My guess is once he meets someone else, his interest in your sexual relationship will wane. Protect your heart at all times is my advice to you.

Darbs76 · 18/02/2022 21:05

No harm done? He’s not your ex-partner if you’re still living and sleeping together . But if you’re both ok with it then I guess it’s your decision. Probably confusing for the kids though

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:06

@SoItWas that’s why I say it’s strange. So yes he will move out he wants somewhere close to the kids. But for their benefit I said he could stay until he finds somewhere - saves him and his son being hom less and he’s a big help with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:09

@Zerrin13 I agree. Men do find it boring. We’ve spoken actually about that hysterical bonding and while it’s certainly a possibility I don’t think it fits because it doesn’t give me bonding or closeness just really enjoyable sex. I know it will end when we find others but he will always be in my life for the kids so I’m happy with that.

OP posts:
SoItWas · 18/02/2022 21:10

Are you still sharing finances too?

Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:10

@Zerrin13 and my sex drive is actually and always has been through the roof. An area he kinda struggles with. It’s usually me that initiates it. I just love sex and without the term relationship in
Not anxious he doesn’t love me or want to be with me so in a way a feel quite content

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicCurses · 18/02/2022 21:11

@SoItWas I mean I’m at home with the kids. Any money we make comes from him anyway. I work part time and that’s always been mine so it’s the same as has always been.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2022 21:15

Right. Heightened emotion generates physical tension and welcome relief.

Just don't read too much into it.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/02/2022 21:16

OP, forget about the sex,you need to get your finances straight. You have two small DC, you work part-time & you rely on him for finances.

I'd be v worried about how things are going to go regarding the property & your finances.