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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

145 replies

Bluffysummers · 18/02/2022 16:46

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

potential for a loss
3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

OP posts:

Shortbreadselection · 18/02/2022 16:54

I was definitely not going to have a third as the second one was very high maintenance and a poor sleeper.
However when I was bagging up all the baby clothes to give away I just felt that I wasn't quite 'done'. DH wanted a third so it was quite an easy decision but not based on any practical reasons.
Turns out our second is Autistic (we didn't know at the time) and so I'm pleased that if she needs support when we are no longer here then it doesn't just fall on one person.

Original poster

Bluffysummers · 18/02/2022 17:24

How did you find the 3 dynamic @Shortbreadselection, was one always left out? Did you guys as parents feel outnumbered lol?

OP posts:

Shortbreadselection · 18/02/2022 17:46

They all get on ok. Not perfect and the dynamics change so it can be 2 against 1 sometimes but they all take their turn being the 1 if you see what I mean!
They're aged between 18 and 24 now.
Not sure we felt outnumbered... I remember the oldest wanting to ride his trike around the block, so I had the baby in the sling and the toddler in the pushchair.
I wouldn't change it for the world despite the chaos.

Shortbreadselection · 18/02/2022 17:47

Also, the oldest and youngest had each other when we had some very difficult times with the middle one.

PotteringAlong · 18/02/2022 17:49

I have 3. They are 9, 7 and 5. I aways knew number 2 was the middle one and number 3 completes our family in a way it wasn’t before.

He also nearly broke me and, although it is undoubtedly just starting to get easier, if I knew 6 years ago what I knew now I would have stopped at 2.

LairyMaclary · 18/02/2022 17:50

Watching this with interest. I have 2 children 2 years apart and am on the fence re: a third in 4 years or so. I would also be 36, wouldn't need to move house but would need at least one bigger car. I keep telling myself I won't know what feels right until nearer the time, but I keep turning it over in my head.

PotteringAlong · 18/02/2022 17:50

And yes, we are definitely outnumbered

SisterAgatha · 18/02/2022 17:58

I had an accidental third after my second. He was 6 months old when I found out I was pregnant, there is 14 months between them. I was also 36.

I’d always have had a third, but the timing for me wasn’t great. I really deliberated over it and decided in the end to go ahead and it has been very hard, lots of changes to be made but in a way it was almost like the decision was made for me.

It’s very hard. Someone is always moaning. The house is a mess. Everyone is talking at once. Sometimes they like one sibling over another and jealousy happens and you don’t have enough hands to hold them all.

But the pluses are great, they are so close and such a team, and they are always laughing and playing and entertaining each other. I feel like j have a gang.

Holiday wise and car wise, it’s harder but we were caravan people anyway so no massive difference.

Merlott · 18/02/2022 17:59

I also felt mixed on no 3 .. until DC2 turned 2 and it became apparent she was as opinionated and energetic as DC1 (5y). They are so stressful I even posted in desperation about it this week.

I had a dog before DC, when I'm able to get another dog that will fulfill my baby feelings in the best way!!

FourTeaFallOut · 18/02/2022 18:13

I am a big fan of having three kids. It's a really lovely number. It is big enough to feel the energy and pace of a larger family but not so many that the amount of laundry makes you want to sick your head in the washing machine. The sweet spot 😁

sunnybobs · 18/02/2022 18:13

I had 3 and it’s wildly more expensive and inconvenient than 2 and the world is designed for a family of 4 but she is my absolute sunshine and completes the family. I really wanted 4 but that would have meant a huge life change - house & car so am happy for the 3 I have. It’s madly more awkward than 2 though!

MelaniaFlump · 18/02/2022 18:17

Honestly I wouldn't be trying to decide anything so soon after DC2's birth, when you're knackered but also awash with oxytocin. I realise that is an annoying thing to say but the answer will come to you when you're ready for it.

Featuredcreature · 18/02/2022 18:18

I felt like there was someone missing after two, no idea why. The feeling went away completely after he was born. Tbh though I was a hormone feelings led idiot when I was younger.

I had 3 years between each one and there were only a few times I felt totally overwhelmed, I remember being on a bus where I had to fold the pram down to get on, then the older two were being beasts and refusing to sit down, I just sat and sobbed because I had no idea what to do .

You seem to be a lot better set up than I was, l have never regretted having my third (having them at all is a different matter). The dynamics of who gets on with who changes dynamically as they age, dependant on personality and interest.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2022 18:37

I have 3 boys. I love them dearly. With hind sight life would have been simpler with 3 esp since iv only 3 years between first two then 2 years between next. Negatives - My younger two are close but oldest often gets left out, has shorter end of the straw for my attention and time as younger ones are more demanding. They don't get to do all hobbies they want. Mine all have sen so need lots of support will school and social interactions. I think if I was to have a do over I'd have a bigger gap between first and second or second and third like about 4 or 5 years.

ouch321 · 18/02/2022 18:40

As the middle of 3 I can say I did not like being one of three

Sproutandcrumpet · 18/02/2022 18:42

I really wanted a third child but my partner didn't, so we stuck at 2. I was upset about it for a few years, but now they're a bit older and more independent I've been able to spend more time (and money) on activities/hobbies for myself and I think it was the right decision. I'm enjoying how much more manageable life has become, and the four of us, plus the dog make a great little unit. I'm from a large family and regret that my children won't have the same sibling experience that I had, but I realize that there are no guarantees that siblings will get along anyway.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 18/02/2022 18:43

You know your likelihood of multiples increases with age OP?

It’s chaos, but lovely chaos.

BobbinHood · 18/02/2022 18:44

@ouch321

As the middle of 3 I can say I did not like being one of three

Same, and my family had the same sort of age distribution as OP is describing. Two close in age then one 5 ish years younger. Hated it. As a result I have an only child.

Original poster

Bluffysummers · 18/02/2022 18:48

You know what it probably is. 2 factors: 1- this time around I haven’t had the challenges I had first time around, or if I have I’ve felt for adept to deal with them. 2 don’t get me wrong I love my son, but I always wanted two girls, I always wanted a sister growing up so I think I still want another girl- not that you can predict these things

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluffysummers · 18/02/2022 18:51

@TheWayTheLightFalls

You know your likelihood of multiples increases with age OP?

It’s chaos, but lovely chaos.

I thought twins was a genetic thing? Is that in ‘natural’ pregnancies or does it take into account that typically ‘older’ mums are statistically more likely to use ivf which again increases your risk of multiples

OP posts:

Nomaj · 18/02/2022 18:52

@sunnybobs

100% all of this.

Everything is more awkward with 3. Almost all the places we go are set up for 4.

Even the little things like cabins on a ferry, rooms for 5 don’t exist so we have to spilt up and get 2 for twice the cost. Same with many hotel rooms (though more places are now family rooms)

It’s good to hear you have considered the costs of 3, I didn’t properly and had 3 in 4 years. Now they are all mid primary and the cost of things like school trips, residentials, after school clubs, swimming lessons x 3 is horrific. But if you have a good amount of disposable income then this won’t be a worry for you.

I adore my 3, but there are hassles with being a family of 5.

Travis1 · 18/02/2022 18:52

I’m one of three and I’m NC with my sister and LC with my brother. Brother and sister are also NC with each other. My mother is one of three and they are all NC with each other.

So it doesn’t matter how many you have adult relationships are not guaranteed.

Original poster

Bluffysummers · 18/02/2022 18:53

Oh @BobbinHood, can I ask why it wasn’t very nice for you? These are things that I’d like to bear in mind.

I hated being one of two, it was the golden child (younger sibling) and then me, the disappointment and I had no one to turn to. Our unit was a 3 because DF worked abroad so I do wonder if it’s something about the number 3 that someone is always on the outside looking in

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 18/02/2022 18:53

i have 3. was planning to do 2 years between each, but delayed last one to 3 year gap. I love having 3. Not sure what they would say, but they all get on now but not always - though not sure thats got anything to do with having 3. yes 3rd didnt get a load of attention when they were younger, but i think that has made them super chilled and easy to get on with. dont think i would go for a larger age difference - partly due to childcare costs and also it would make the 3rd a bit too young to get on with others

Calmdown14 · 18/02/2022 18:53

I would wait and see the dynamic between your other children as they grow. You don't need to decide yet and a lot can change.
Mine are 4 years apart (boy and girl) but the absolute best of friends. I wouldn't want to change what I have. I was also glad to ditch the buggy stage as we love walking and we can now access rugged areas again

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