The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

[Bluffysummers]

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

@DryOldCaper my brother used to hit the shit out of me, well into adult hood, last time he went for me was 6/7 months ago and I’ve not seen him since, he’s younger too. Not quite the close age gap that my kids have but that order, girl then boy, and truthfully having a boy in the first place did worry me (somewhat irrationally) during pregnancy. Obviously I know my little boy will be different.

Also not that it really matters here, DD was the much more ‘difficult’ one as a baby. Although some of it you can chalk that up to being first time parents.

I always wanted a sister, all of my friends with same sex siblings are so close. It’s pure fantasy of course but I always envisioned myself with girls, doesn’t mean I don’t love my son, of course i do, but I always ‘wanted’ girls. My list of girl names is 5 times the length of boys names. A lot of it is based on my childhood of course

If you’re less than 3 months PP, I’d 100% park the thought of any more DC until your baby is at least a year. See how things pan out, see how you find the mundane, day to day of 2 children without the high of a newborn baby and a second parent around more than will be the average.

Regarding costs, three small kids is expensive, but 3 teenagers is really expensive and 3 university attending young adults has the potential to be really, really expensive.

Im slightly pessimistic but if your second birth and newborn experience was healing and cathartic, I wouldn’t risk another. From just being a damn difficult baby, to potentially having multiple medical needs, the dice may not fall in your favour again. If you are prepared for that, then maybe a third is a good idea.

I think a lot depends on you as well…it’s taken me having children to realise I like some semblance of order, I like my own time and space and I find crying really, really difficult to deal with. For that reason, more than 2 would be an absolute no for me. If you can sail through those things then a ‘big’ family would likely be okay.

I have three children aged 4, just turned 2 and four months - I love it so much. It is absolutely crazy at times (my eldest broke her knee trampolining so I've had them all home together for the past five weeks) but it really is a lovely kind of chaos. I'm so very proud of them all.

The hardest part so far though has been when they all get ill at the same time - we've had a tummy bug and various other medical issues affecting my kids recently and I've never been so exhausted!

@Hankunamatata

I have 3 boys. I love them dearly. With hind sight life would have been simpler with 3 esp since iv only 3 years between first two then 2 years between next. Negatives - My younger two are close but oldest often gets left out, has shorter end of the straw for my attention and time as younger ones are more demanding. They don't get to do all hobbies they want. Mine all have sen so need lots of support will school and social interactions. I think if I was to have a do over I'd have a bigger gap between first and second or second and third like about 4 or 5 years.

I have 3 years between 1 and 3...I look back and realise I was utterly mad.

I have 3 and enjoy having 3, no regrets. I do see that my friends with 2 have things a bit easier, but there is no way I would swap dc3 for an easier life - I absolutely adore him.

Mine are very close in age - 13 month and 22 month age gaps - and are good mates. You have to be prepared for chaos at times and everything being more expensive and awkward, but overall I like being a slightly larger family and that feeling of being a biggish happy gang. They are 10, 12 and 13 now - we are having good fun.

As the third of three my brother (middle child, 5 when I was born) really resented my existence and made that very clear to me. I really absorbed this and blamed myself for every bit of family unhappiness. My mum felt really guilty too and blamed herself for giving me too much attention and apparently ignoring him. He has 2 kids and I stuck at 1....

Some interesting queries on the financial side. We're taking the policy that if we can afford full time childcare for 2 at once we'll probably be ok with three teenagers when we're likely to be further on in our careers but there is definitely the risk we'll be cutting back on things like amazing holidays and expensive hobbies. It is a bit of a worry but then I see people on much worse incomes than us having 3 (or more!) and wonder if I'm overthinking it. Or maybe overdoing it on my expectations of what a child actually needs to be happy?

I have three. A 2 year gap then a 5 year gap.

If my third had of been my first they would of been an only child.

The oldest keeps themselves to themselves mainly. Middle is always wanted by little. Little is a demanding little bum who would love nothing more than to always be the centre of attention for good or bad.

Middle does not always want to play with little abs this makes little mad and out come miss hurricane bitchy boss baby. Who can cry as any perceived slight. I love them all but yeah if she was my first she would of been an only child.

Twins are More common naturally the older you get as you produce more eggs per cycle before they ‘run out’. Is the not very scientific explanation but yes they are more common naturally the older you get .

I’m another unexpected mum of 3- #2 turned out to be #2 & #3. I had 3 under 4 for a while.

I never planned 3- I look at my mum friends with a preschooler and a baby and think that it looks so easy. Sometimes I mourn the manageable, “perfect” sized family I should have had. But twins are 9.5mo so still in the very needy baby stage. I know eventually it will get easier as they get older.

We had to upgrade our estate car to a 7 seater to accommodate car seats & buggies. At the moment our eldest DD has her own bedroom but the boys will have to share. We may have to move to somewhere bigger when they’re older. Luckily we can afford these things but they aren’t cheap.

I wouldn’t change our situation. I adore all of our children but I’m certain that life would be easier with two.

Also, I had a “healing” newborn phase with my twins when I briefly thought I could go for a 4th! It has now passed though. Must have been the hormones trying to trick me.

I had my first 2 DC in 14 months and always felt something (someone) was missing. It took DH a little longer to get on board, but eventually he did and after a 3 year gap, DC3 was born.

Closely followed by DC4 but that's another story.

In short, I love love love having a tribe and do not regret it at all. We have an 8 seater car and a 3 bedroomed apartment but it has a massive garden. We holiday with eurocamp or go camping ourselves.
Our home is chaotic and lived in and cosy.
I know I am lucky as my DC are all very good friends, this isn't the case with a lot of my friend's DC. The oldest two are hitting puberty so I am not sure how it will go with four teenagers, but I am hoping and positive.

Let's see.

DH and I both work full time, have no savings to show for it, but we have a lovely family and that means the world to me.

However, sensibly, we probably should have stopped at 2. But I am so pleased that we didn't

What else am I not thinking of?

What position would you be in financially if dh becomes incapacitated or dies or you split up? Because 3rd dc wouldn't qualify for benefits

Ditto if baby 3 or one of the older 2 develops/is diagnosed with a health issue that requires a full time carer? Bearing in mind that this also increases the likelihood of the relationship breaking down?

Cost of living generally is going to up a fair bit at least in the next 2 years (until next GE when hopefully we'll get the tories out) it's not just energy it's everything as recent news has shown

I'm one of 3, one always gets left out.

I thought twins was a genetic thing?

No increases with maternal and paternal age.

As do the risks of loss, genetic disorders etc

I know medically It’s a geriatric pregnancy (grim term) but is it really that old

There's are reasons it's still called a geriatric pregnancy cultural advancement happens a lot faster than biological evolution which takes thousands of years.

I'm nc with my sister she's a nightmare lc with brother we've little in common

@booplefloof

Your story gives me hope. I'm pregnant with 3 + 4 and live in a three bed apartment!

@Jmaxx44

I am one of 3 siblings and I didn’t like it growing up. The oldest and youngest were too far apart in age to play etc and usually 2 paired off together and 1 was always left out which caused so many arguments. Even now in adulthood I am closer with one of my siblings than the other and it does cause tension occasionally. I would also say that our parents both worked full time and we often felt that we didn’t get enough of their time and attention. They just didn’t have enough hours in the day for work, 3 children and all their other responsibilities.

I’m one of three and I agree with the age gaps and two being closer together. My DP is also one of three and rarely talks to his siblings.

It concerns me that OP wants to try for a Dd rather than a dc. She also states that she had gender disappointment with the second dc (boy). Even if she got the Dd she wants, she can’t guarantee that the sisters would get along. I don’t know many sisters who are close. The sisters could be wildly different - a girly girl and a tom boy etc.

I never wanted a third but it sounds like you really do and have good circs for it (and 36 isn’t too old). If that’s right, just go for it.

I had the whole third child angst thing too but ultimately stopped at two as I realised there was zero short term benefit to having another. I would be taking away from my existing children - money/resources but mostly my time and attention which is literally all they want when they're young, and the money and resources is literally all they want when they're teens so any real benefit of another sibling/another child would only come when they're adults so it was just not worth it to me. I'd be frazzled and stressed and ultimately would be a worse mother and they deserve the best I can be. Plus watching my sister and friends with three DC really put me off - their houses are noisy shit shows!

@Graphista

What else am I not thinking of?

What position would you be in financially if dh becomes incapacitated or dies or you split up? Because 3rd dc wouldn't qualify for benefits

Ditto if baby 3 or one of the older 2 develops/is diagnosed with a health issue that requires a full time carer? Bearing in mind that this also increases the likelihood of the relationship breaking down?

Cost of living generally is going to up a fair bit at least in the next 2 years (until next GE when hopefully we'll get the tories out) it's not just energy it's everything as recent news has shown

I'm one of 3, one always gets left out.

I thought twins was a genetic thing?

No increases with maternal and paternal age.

As do the risks of loss, genetic disorders etc

I know medically It’s a geriatric pregnancy (grim term) but is it really that old

There's are reasons it's still called a geriatric pregnancy cultural advancement happens a lot faster than biological evolution which takes thousands of years.

I'm nc with my sister she's a nightmare lc with brother we've little in common

@Graphista

If we split and we did joint custody and DH was supporting in costs of dcs, I’d have to downsize and I think I’d find it hard to get back in the property ladder due to income multiples but that would be the same with 1/2 /3 /4 etc kids. You get child benefit for child number 3 it’s the tax credits you don’t get.
If DH died, I’d be devastated of course, but financially I’d be in a better place than we are now. Horrible but we always have a tongue in cheek joke that we’re worth more to each other dead than alive. Mortgage would be paid off, if it was a long term illness critical illness would pay out as would income protection if I was off, his death in service would kick in (12x salary) so financially I’d be ok. However raising 3 children alone with no support, that is a sobering thought that I’d struggle with.

Definitely wouldn’t want multiples

Whilst I appreciate 36 is advanced maternal age it’s not that bad. My mum had me at 35 and my brother at 39. But genetic complications have always scared me, I’ve had NIPT testing both times.

Totally get what you’re saying @Pinksweets there are no guarantees that any siblings will get on.

But I wouldn’t ‘try for a girl’ because I mean how can you? I don’t like that ‘trying for a g/b’ thing anyway but I would secretly hope for a girl like I did this pregnancy. I won’t lie I had some gender disappointment but that was largely fuelled by growing up in fear of my own brother, i didn’t want to be afraid of my child or my daughter to have the same experience I had. Irrational i suppose but it was quite traumatic growing up how I did

We had 3 children, now adults, but if I were having my family now I would stop at two for environmental reasons. We also found that there was, and still is, a bit of a middle child syndrome thing.

We went for a second when I was 36 and DS was 1. We got second AND third together. No history of twins.

I don't think it was a good outcome for us. Don't enjoy having 3 so close together. It's not fair on anyone. Just think about it carefully, it's getting harder for me emotionally as they get older.

Fair enough op. I've just come across so many irl and on mn that seem to think their relationship will never end and don't plan for separation/divorce or death or critical illness

I've had the experience of seeing a relative lose everything with the death of her partner due to them being unmarried and her a sahm when he died and her name not on the mortgage

I've also been through a very long winded and difficult divorce and there was sod all money involved!

Ex became a completely different person.

Prior to split he was vocally anti "deadbeat dads" and even fell out with friends who behaved this way, he was the product of a 2nd marriage himself but his dad continued to pay the mortgage on his 1st marital home until youngest from that marriage was 18 and paid a decent amount of cm and saw a lot of his dc (he literally bought a home a few mins walk from his 1st home) and had a good relationship with his 1st wife who was even at our wedding as to ex she was a kind of "auntie" so ex had an excellent example of how it SHOULD work but instead went down the route of not paying cm, not seeing dd, giving me grief constantly etc which was such a volte face his parents thought he was having a breakdown! (He wasn't) one of his brothers still isn't speaking to him because of how he has behaved since the split, not only to me but to his own parents etc when they tried to get him to see sense and behave fairly.

I genuinely HOPE people have long and happy relationships and live long and mostly healthy lives but with my life experience I like to, if I can, help them avoid going through what my relative and I and our dc have.

Some on mn think I'm unreasonably cynical, I just think better safe than sorry.

Not everyone can afford to get proper wills made, life assurance, critical illness etc but those that can really should.

Hopefully these various precautions aren't needed, but if they are and you have them you'll be glad of them.

I had the whole third child angst thing too but ultimately stopped at two as I realised there was zero short term benefit to having another. I would be taking away from my existing children - money/resources but mostly my time and attention which is literally all they want when they're young, and the money and resources is literally all they want when they're teens grin so any real benefit of another sibling/another child would only come when they're adults so it was just not worth it to me. I'd be frazzled and stressed and ultimately would be a worse mother and they deserve the best I can be.

This is so well put and articulates my own feelings after having gone back and forth over whether to have a third.

[quote woody87]@booplefloof

Your story gives me hope. I'm pregnant with 3 + 4 and live in a three bed apartment! [/quote]
Congratulations @woody87

We have those ikea cabin beds (stuva?) so everyone has their own little area in the rooms which has been helpful!

And we bought the biggest bed that could fit in our room as they do all pile in for cuddles (even the teenagers).

I hope that everything goes well for you!

36 really isn't particularly old. Yes there is an increase in complications but if you look at the stats the difference is very small. You are much, much more likely to have a healthy, uneventful singleton pregnancy than anything else. And you are also nearly just as likely to conceive without any problems if you did so the first two times. MN is massively negative at times imo. Yes you need to consider the risks but you can't prepare for everything. Sometimes in life you just need to go for what you want. Besides, things are much more likely to turn out ok (in general, not just regarding your question) than not and most importantly: even if they don't, chances are you will cope.

I’m one of three and there were never any ‘middle child’ issues maybe as I’m the only girl. Me and DH discussed having a third DC at length when I was 35. I believed I was too old as the thought of being 40 when they started school seemed horrendous. I also had healthy 2DC with trouble free pregnancies and labours and I had a niggle in my brain of don’t push your luck so we stuck with 2DC. This decision felt so right at the time but it’s my one regret in life that we didn’t try for no.3.