The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

[Bluffysummers]

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

@Bluffysummers

You know what it probably is. 2 factors: 1- this time around I haven’t had the challenges I had first time around, or if I have I’ve felt for adept to deal with them. 2 don’t get me wrong I love my son, but I always wanted two girls, I always wanted a sister growing up so I think I still want another girl- not that you can predict these things

I'm child no 3 and the second girl. Me and my sister have never gotten along. A few years later my dm had dc no 4. A boy so two of each. My brothers don't really get along either.

You're not thinking of the costs realistically (its not all about family tickets to theme parks) but that doesn't mean you cant afford it, more that your standard of living is going to take more of a knock than you are allowing for.

You're not thinking about twins, but then the odds are in your favour for that one.

You're not (I don't think) thinking about the difference bw managing as a single parent of 2 rather than 3 children. Could you manage?

If you don't have life insurance and redundancy insurance then personally I'd get those before I went for 3 because, you know, things can change.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

You know your likelihood of multiples increases with age OP?

It’s chaos, but lovely chaos.

This.

We decided in December to start trying after new year for number 3. I already have a 3 year old and almost 2 year old. We deliberated for quite a while and figured we would try for a year and if I didn't fall pregnant then probably be happy with 2 as I would be almost 36 by then.

Unbeknownst to us I had already conceived a few days before Christmas and at my 6 week scan we found out it's twins.

DH channeling his shock into car shopping for mini vans and although I've been sick as a dog I'm now starting to get excited but yeah just remember you are always running the risk of 4 - I eh kind of forgot that.

Hit me with the real costs @Porcupineintherough (not being goady just so it’s in my mind) although ds did a decent job at sobering me up from my giddy wouldn’t a third baby be grand in idealism when he wouldn’t settle for sleep last night lol (I say this fairly light hearted)

Obviously costs go up, power, food etc. DH and I both work in finance, ive been an advisor and dh is qualified as one so we both have comprehensive protection plans in place both through work and along side our mortgage (life, crit illness, income protection & disability)DCs both have life cover too.

I’ve got a good list of cars that fit three car seats across, or you could buy a Multimac for four across @woody87! I was the same as your dh. We settled on a Citroen milk float .

Honestly the biggest jump for me was from 1 to 2 as you have to learn to juggle a toddler (depending on age gap) and a newborn. Number 3 I found just slots in 🤣 at one point I had 5 children, 4 years and under 😱🤪 my first husband and I went for number 4 to make it an even number and got twins. My youngest from my first marriage are 10 in March and after a very difficult break up with the childrens father which included an affair, lies and also ending a 15 year marriage via email….yes email!! I have found my true love and get married in April. We decided to try for our own, I’m 35 and guess what….I’m pregnant with twins again 😂 they do say it’s a higher chance the older you get but in my case it runs in my family and the probability was extremely high anyway so I have no doubt for me it was in my genes not age.

If you are open to another, do it. Each baby brings its own love as you know and honestly it’s absolutely fine xx

I have 2- aged 12 and 7. Debated having another DC last year but decided against it. DC currently have their own rooms and are so close and really get along great- not much fighting or arguing. I always wonder what it would have been like with a third but I do think it's the right decision for us- tough one though!

If you're doubting your feelings this much you should wait a few years and see if you feel there is something missing then.

I love having lots of kids, twins were not as hard work as people often say they will be either (pregnancy was harder because I was humongous but had big singletons too).

I've got 2. Debated a third for a while but decided to stop as I had complications in both of my pregnancies and also had a miscarriage.

Must admit when I see families with 3 children I get a bit envious. But then I remind myself there's no way I can physically put myself through that again. My children need their mum healthy and having a third may risk that

Day to day living costs - increase by 1/5th. That's food, electric, mobile phone contracts, childcare etc. Doesn't kick in from day 1 of course but if you bank on it ending up being ultimately a fifth more you wont be far wrong. No kidding yourself that passing down a few pairs of dungarees is going to make a big difference.

If your house is big enough for 3 children then at least housing wont be more expensive. If it isn't, then there's that.

School and education-related costs - up by one third. Include contributions toward university living costs in this (currently running at c 8k per child per year - so 24k for one, 48k for 2, 72k for 3)

Holiday costs, esp as they get older - increase depends on how you holiday. Camping - little to no difference, self catering accommodation increase up to a third as you move from 4 beds to 6 (2 bedrooms to 3). You can find some stuff for 5 though so that's not 100%. Flight costs - up by 1/5th. Things like ferries can almost double if you need 2 cabins not 1.

Just to add, I really, really, really wanted 3 and we stuck at 2, largely for financial reasons (ie dh wouldnt agree to a third because of them). Now they are teens I finally agree with him - they cost a lot. I could make them cost less, of course, but I'd hate to have had to say no music lessons, no dance (both bloody ruinous hobbies btw), no school trip to France, because we couldnt have stretched to it for 3. That's a personal choice of course - my friend went from 2 to 4 with unplanned twins and they have to do without them and seem perfectly happy - but figure out what is important to you in this regard. We realised that what we wanted to give them is what we had growing up - similar home, similar opportunities - and to do that 2 was our limit. But then, we don't work in finance.

@TheWayTheLightFalls

I’ve got a good list of cars that fit three car seats across, or you could buy a Multimac for four across *@woody87*! I was the same as your dh. We settled on a Citroen milk float .

@TheWayTheLightFalls Haha yes it is becoming an obsession. I believe he has a spreadsheet on the go now. I'm too busy vomiting to pay proper attention but I believe the front runners are Mercedes V Class and the Citroen Space Tourer.

Ironically our decision to go for a third was supported by the fact we already had all the prams, car seats, baby carriers and a 7 seater Seat Alhambra (which I absolutely love but just not big enough for 4 car seats, double pram AND dog 😭)

woody87 that is exactly what happened to a customer of mine, I would think you were here except I don't live in the UK and she doesn't speak English!! Her twins are now 18 months I think and walking about and she's exhausted, constantly. I mean, she loves them all dearly but I am honestly not sure she would have done it if she had known it was twins!

You've just had a baby. There's no point in agonising about a decision now, you may well feel completely differently in 3 months never mind a year or more.

I have three- currently 5, 3 and 1. Didn’t feel our family was complete with 2, but knew the second our third was born that we were done, have never wanted a fourth. Its hard work, but brilliant! I’m one of three and have a great relationship with my siblings, so I guess that’s why a family of five feels right to me. I was 39 when I had my third- didn’t feel remotely old! I did worry about how we’d cope if there was anything wrong with the baby, and the impact that could have on my first two, that occupied my mind a lot when I was pregnant. I have girl, boy, girl and think it’s a lovely dynamic!

I have 3 boys and I'm very happy we had a third. All of them get along and having 3 helps as the middle one has someone younger now to play with as well as older so is not having to grow up so fast. I think it depends on your childrens personalities. Would they like to be in a "big family "? With 3 the older 2 do have to sacrifice from time to time, mine are happy to do so as all dote on the younger one but I can imagine it would be difficult if younger one had a more challenging personality or what have you. (Youngest is very cute and loving either the older boys think so!)

Wait and see how you feel. A lot will change over the coming months as you adjust to life as a family of four and your children get older.

FWIW I have two children, DC1 is nearly 5 and DC2 is 18 months old, and they're bloody hard work. I always wanted two (and only two) and have definitely not changed my mind! I have so many reasons for stopping at two.

I’m just day dreaming, idealising and clearly forgetting how much pain I was in with my second pregnancy. The pgp was no joke. Think I needed a little grounding, it’s always interesting hearing peoples national behind their family planning.

Thanks all for sharing!

Btw @Porcupineintherough the we’re in finance was in relation to the protection, and a) get a good deal through work and also because of my advice background not a sneering comment, just in case you read it as such

I am one of 3 siblings and I didn’t like it growing up. The oldest and youngest were too far apart in age to play etc and usually 2 paired off together and 1 was always left out which caused so many arguments. Even now in adulthood I am closer with one of my siblings than the other and it does cause tension occasionally. I would also say that our parents both worked full time and we often felt that we didn’t get enough of their time and attention. They just didn’t have enough hours in the day for work, 3 children and all their other responsibilities.

I felt mine wasn't complete after the second, but for many reason I (because dp left it up to me) decided not to. My second is now 8 and my third has just turned 1 🤣. She has absolutely completed our family and I'm so glad we had her, even although most of the reasons not to still exist.

Had our third 7 years after our first and five years after our second... now 26, 24 and nearly 20... best thing that ever happened... she is so loved by her siblings and us ...

3 really isn’t that big a number of DC - if you want 3, go for it.

But the underlying reason that seems to be emerging - that you want to give your ‘easy’ DD a sister, while having no interest in giving your DS a brother, seems really off to me.

I’m one of two, and am so close to my (younger) DB. In fact, I timed TTC with our second to have the same age gap as DB and me, because I hoped to replicate the relationship.

We now have a DS and a DD and they’re the best of friends. They genuinely like and love each other, get on, hang out, and like each other’s friends.

When I look around my own friends and family, it’s the brother-sister siblings who seem to have the best relationships - they all like spending time together, with partners and families.

Clearly not exactly scientific - just my observation.

@Bluffysummersuffy no I didnt, at all. That was supposed to be a smile not a wink

The standard MN advice is that “no-one ever regrets having another child”. Also that financially you’ll always manage.

In reality, DC are fairly inexpensive and easy to look after when preschool age. However, once your DC get to be school age everything gets massively more expensive and difficult to manage time-wise. You have school uniform, school trips, ballet/football/swimming fees plus kit/shoes, and driving to/from activities to schedule. Class birthday parties and play dates too.

In your situation, two DC sharing a room isn’t ideal either. Which two have to share, and which DC is lucky enough to get their own room?

I’m like this as well. We currently have two, one is almost 9 and the other is 3. I always wanted two but for some reason, I don’t feel done. Now I’m not getting any younger and really need to decide or be thankful and stick with the two we have.

I have 3. There’s two years between 1&2. There’s exactly 3 years between 2&3. In fact they were both gonna have the same birthday but managed to change it by 2 days.