The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

[Bluffysummers]

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

I have 3 and it’s amazing. They actually all get on well mostly and our family dynamic is brilliant. Doesn’t bother me that things are “set up” for families of 4 - we just work around it. For example we book apartments or villas on holiday rather than a hotel room for 4.
Honestly, having 3 has been the best thing! If that’s what you want, go for it.
I’m glad I did and I was quite a bit older than you when I had the third
Can’t think of my downsides apart from being tired, if I was tired with 2

But I was tired with 2 I meant

I have 3… 4, 2, 6 months.
It’s hard. Really hard, actually. But somehow… I still totally recommend it. I love being a mum & having just 1 more than most.

But… I’m 30 & pregnancies are all done now, but the last one was hard work. I couldn’t do it again.

All 3 of my girls share a room and will for the next few years, so you’re better off in that sense!

No one can tell you really OP, because every family dynamic is different! But if you don’t feel done, chances are - you aren’t!

My older sibling resented me because we were quite close in age so felt I took my parents attention away from them when they were still just a baby. There was a lot of pressure on us to be best friends because we were close in age, but actually had completely different personalities. And then younger sibling was the archetypal golden child, the baby of the family.

I just felt really overlooked, all the time. I had neighbours who laughed about the fact they didn’t know I existed because they knew about the older one and the younger one but not me. Got called my older sibling’s name at school all the time. Never got to do anything without being compared to older sibling but also wasn’t the little one who could get away with things either. It just felt like they could have been a really complete family without me there.

I think mostly it was just personality clashes and circumstances - luck of the draw rather than my parents doing anything wrong, but it still stuck with me and I definitely have a chip on my shoulder about it!

How about a dog instead?

I have 3: 15, 13, 10.
Loved it when they were little - I always wanted a big family (more than 3).
BUT honestly I do regret it in some ways. I’d never ever be without the people (which child would I not have had?? Unimaginable). BUT no 3 was harder work than dream baby no 2. And there is just SO MUCH now. Noise, activities, feelings, overwhelm.
See how you feel in a few years time, but do remember that however tough the baby years may seem, older children are so much more emotionally challenging…

When my youngest was a newborn, I really wanted a third. Between a year and 18 months I drastically changed my mind. It was so easy when she was little but has got more difficult as she got older

@Leggingslife

How about a dog instead?

I’m not sure @Leggingslife DH is from a non dog pet culture and ever since having kids I’m a bit more wary of dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more of a dog person than a cat person but I’ve seen a few stories of dogs having bitten kids and it scares me. We’ll definitely get a cat though, dd is obsessed with them.

It’s the ‘one more girl’ I think - I still have the list of names on my phone and I’m catching myself every so often just looking at it and wondering… I’m a muppet

@Bluffysummers your chances of multiples does increase as you age.

It's non identical multiples that runs in families along the woman's side as it's a genetic predisposition to release more than 1 egg each month (1 from each ovary). This is also why the chances increase as you age as certain hormone levels increase with age and stimulate egg release.

But identical twins are random and they occur when 1 single egg splits before the cells begin to divide.

I think that’s going to be me @Xmassprout!

[quote Mommabear20]@Bluffysummers your chances of multiples does increase as you age.

It's non identical multiples that runs in families along the woman's side as it's a genetic predisposition to release more than 1 egg each month (1 from each ovary). This is also why the chances increase as you age as certain hormone levels increase with age and stimulate egg release.

But identical twins are random and they occur when 1 single egg splits before the cells begin to divide. [/quote]
🤯

Is 36 considered ‘old’. I know medically It’s a geriatric pregnancy (grim term) but is it really that old, the trisomy risk does scare me a bit but I’m not sure if it’s overstated or not, I’ve read somethings that suggests it is

I'd see how you feel in a year. I have a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old - 22 month age gap. When DD2 was born I had similar thoughts about having a third - it seemed easy, DH had loads of time off etc. Fast forward a few months and I'm finding juggling a toddler and a baby really hard. DD2 is at that awkward stage were she's super clingy and needs to be entertained constantly. Hopefully it'll get better when she can crawl, but at the moment it feels relentless and the idea of a third is just laughable.

@Xmassprout

When my youngest was a newborn, I really wanted a third. Between a year and 18 months I drastically changed my mind. It was so easy when she was little but has got more difficult as she got older

This is how I feel/felt. I was desperate for a third after DD2, I almost was grieving the passing of the baby stage and wondering what it would be like to have a son. DD1 and DD2 are just over 2 years apart (DD1 is 5 and DD2 will shortly be 3.)

I think for me it was hormonal as the older they've gotten the less I want another, which has really surprised me. DH and I recently had the conversation about whether to go for a third baby or not... I'd be 35 or 36 by the time they were born so it feels like now or never but we've decided not to. For lots of reasons....the environment, DH was one of 3 and hated the dynamic and says one was always left out, practical reasons like cars/nobody would ever want to babysit 3 for us. Also that I don't want to risk my health or having a baby with a disability when we don't "need" another one. DDs have a lovely bond and I don't think they need another sibling.

But mainly, because I can see light at the end of the tunnel coming out of the baby and toddler years and life is finally getting easier with more sleep, more time for DH and I, doing well at work, more money with 30 hrs free childcare on the horizon etc etc.

I would wait and see how you feel OP. I was adamant that I'd want a third but when it's come down to it I've realised I actually don't. If you realise you do when the time comes then you can go for it but your feelings may surprise you.

I had twins first and we thought we were done. We sold all the baby stuff and figured that was it. Then, a pimple
Of months after they turned two, a lot of friends either got pregnant with their second or had their second, and I started to get this little niggle. We discussed it and agreed it wasn’t the right time, but stopped using protection. It wasn’t long before the inevitable happened! I was 36 when I had her, with an easy pregnancy and an amazing birth. She’s three now, three years younger than her brothers, a shit sleeper and generally exhausting, but adored by us all. They all have a great dynamic and play really well mostly. There are times I wonder if it would have been better to stick with two. It would have been easier, I think, and cheaper, of course, but she has definitely completed us.

Consider the impact on existing children if 3rd child born with additional needs. I know a family where the 3rd child is severely disabled & life looks very different for them now.

I know another family where third child has autism and again that has had an impact on the siblings & the parents, who still have their third born living at home as an adult. It’s actually really affected the relationship between the parents & the first & second children, as the parents can’t visit them overnight or help with grandkids.

It is one reason I am sticking with the only child I have (there are other reasons too)

It’s the ‘one more girl’ I think

What happens if your third DC is a boy?

I have three. It’s a nice dynamic, I found it no harder having three than having two tbh.

Everything is more more expensive though, for instance, holidays, a 5 seater car just isn’t big enough and we’re having to buy a 7 seater.

The biggest issue is time - my husband and I don’t want any child to feel overlooked and it means we spend less time together alone as a result. Fortunately we have a great relationship.

So to summarise my rambling paragraph, 3 for us is perfect but 2 would have been easier (our family wouldn’t have been compete at 2)

Two would have been easier financially*

@tulippa

It’s the ‘one more girl’ I think

What happens if your third DC is a boy?

In truth I’d be a little disappointed, like I was when I found out ds was a boy but we do have boy list of names, it’s just a lot shorter and we’d treasure him as we do current ds, who’s been such a healing blessing to us all, everything happens for a reason and all that. But deffo couldn’t go for a 4th to try again for a girl

I never ever planned on having 3 but then baby no.2 turned out to be twins, so here I am

I actually really love having three although no question it's massively hard work. Cars aren't big enough, impossible to find a hotel that will let us all share (we AirBnB though), life is mental juggling school and nursery pick-ups and drop offs, very long days, no lie-ins, no taking turns to do bedtime because you really need two people etc.

I appreciate our dynamic is different since I have 2 the same age and the gap with eldest is only 2y 9mo. They all get on very well so far.

Re: twins in general, mine were natural with no family history I knew of. Not identical so doctor says it was probably hormone surges pushing me to ovulate on both sides at once. I was 40. No other medical issues with either pregnancy but then that's the luck of the draw. I did NIPT test both times to reassure myself over trisonomy risk.

I so wonder whether I would have gone on to have a third if my second pregnancy had been a singleton. I absolutely loved the baby stage with DC1 and if DC2 had been the same, I think I might have. Twins are wonderful now as toddlers but baby stage was obviously tough, much less 121 time with them, didn't cosleep etc

Have no regrets at all about how it worked out.

@Bluffysummers I have three boys! I was desperate for ds3 to be a girl but didn’t have time be sad about it as 5 minutes after telling us he was a boy, they told Is he had a tumour in his lung and advised I terminate! I get the desire for a daughter completely!

Oh gosh @Tunnocks34, I’m so sorry, how stressful! As you’ve said you have 3 boys should I take it that they were mistaken? (Truly sorry if not and I read that wrong)

I have two sons with about a 27 month gap between them. They're now 4½ and 2½

Before DS2 was born, I thought I'd definitely feel done with 2. Afterwards, I did have niggles about a third - especially as I always pictured myself with a DD, so I do understand where you're coming from there. (I feel nothing but pure love for my DSs, just a feeling that I "should" have a DD).

Right now, I feel mostly content sticking with two - while a small part of me still wants a third, DH doesn't, and my wanting is less than my not wanting. We're just about out of the buggy stage, which is really nice. Night wakings are fewer and further between. Once we're out of nappies, it's going to feel like a different ballgame, and I'm not ready to go back to pregnancy (which I hated), 24/7 nursing and nappies and buggies and baby things when we can be getting on with enjoying things geared up for older children.

DS2 is also a much more awkward toddler than he was baby - he was a super chilled baby compared to his brother, but now he's the most stubborn 2 year old I've met, and I used to work with 2 year olds for a living! I don't feel too overwhelmed when I'm alone with the two of them, though, which I would with three. Our family dynamic works as a family of four.

Also, as a couple of pp have pointed out, un current times nearly everything is set up for a family of 4. Our costs are currently quite low, and changing to accommodation that suits 5, or booking two rooms, will increase our costs more than going from 1-2 did. A bigger car comes with more costs. Many attractions here don't have tickets for a family of 5. Little things that make it harder to go past two. Plus a smaller share of the (limited) pool for hobbies for them.

Only you can come to the right decision for you and your family, but these are my feelings from a similar place.

Also just to say that last weekend we had 4 parties between the 3 of them over 2 days.

Clubs and activities can be similar set up with shows and stuff. It’s alot of driving!

It’s a totally different dynamic to two when they are young especially if they are close together. My Friends that’s stopped at two are taking them out for cheeky lunches in half term, visiting museums etc etc.
I am still barely managing taking them all out for a walk. Taking them all out to a restaurant is out of the question. The eldest misses out on stuff. It’s often divide and conquer at the weekends. I have noticed I have started hanging out with other parents with 3 kids more, at each other’s houses as we can’t manage much else. We cling on to each other and are happy that we are all a bit crap together. We definitely let more shit slide than parents of one or two.