The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

[Bluffysummers]

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

Financially 2 is better. Everyone needs their own bedroom and smaller houses are cheaper to buy and run.

4 is my ideal.

We have three and mostly they get on really well. Any friction is mainly between 1 and 2 (same sex) and always has been, but that is more personality than anything else. As teens they all say how much they enjoy their family of three although most of their friends just have one sibling so we are unusual. In part having the three has helped the older two get on because they both have commonality with #3. I think for their ages they spend quite a lot of time together. They all walk to and from their schools together, meeting at the nearest school.

I am not sure if such a difference in ages would be good we have just over four years, but five school years between ours. I think if the youngest was another two years younger it would feel less like a team. You have to figure out what works for you.

What about if the 3rd had any number of medical issues or SEN or a GDD? What effect would that have on your existing children, your work progression your relationship?

I often find parents of three coke on here and say yeah go for it I've got three it's great! But then people like me who are one of three (I'm the youngest) hated it.

I would never have three children. Sooner two or four (and four probably in two sets type of thing).

Three can be a really horrible dynamic. Sure, not always. But in real life I only know of one person who was happy as one of three and who was the middle child, his sister (youngest) also hated it like I did.

I was one of three and loved it. DH was one of three and he did too. We have 3dc.

The one thing I wouldn't do in life is base a decision based on the number of mnetters who resented it as children. There's not one solitary thing, large or small, around here that isn't the exact reason why a poster is pissed off with their parents.

Even though I don't want three I was one of three and loved it but like pps say there's many who don't as three is an awkward dynamic and someone is inevitably left out more than others. In my case this was my youngest sister and she loathes the idea of having three DC as a result. It had a huge negative impact on her.

I always imagined myself having two children - I am one of two (a sister who I am very close to). DH wanted 3 children. Decision was made for us when DC2 was twins. (Like you, I really wanted my DD1 to have a sister, but we also wanted to have a boy, and that is how it worked out. So far, my girls don't have that very close sisterly bond, but they are still young, and they might yet.)

Mine are teenagers now and it's happy chaos most of the time, apart from the times when it's unhappy chaos! Life is very busy - two of them do what I think is an average amount of activities, and one of them does a lot of sport. There is a lot of ferrying people around. The house is often full of people who are bigger than me - I buy an awful lot of snacks and pizzas! Most of the time I really enjoy the sense of us being a big, busy family.

The kids' relationships with each other are up and down. They all get on better as a two with any one of the others than as a three (so no one is left out, but there's a lot of bickering).

Practically, it does feel as though the world is set up for families of four. We love travelling, and my family live overseas so we do a fair bit of it anyway - it is significantly more expensive/complicated in terms of hotel rooms etc. We are financially comfortable, but we would be considerably more so if we had only had two of them. (This is feeling more acute as we approach potentially supporting three of them through university close together.)

I have no regrets at all about the way things have ended up, but I also agree with my pre-kid self that two is probably the optimum. Of the people I know who have the kind of gap between child 2 and child 3 that you would be considering, they have felt that sense others have described on here of someone missing. I think you have time to see what pans out...

I have 3 but large age gaps. 11yrs between sons 1&2 and 3.5yrs between DS2 and DD. I say go for it as you have the space and finances. It can be hard starting again. Mine are finally at an age I can leave them at home if need be; eldest moved out but DS2 is almost 18 and DD almost 14. Life is easier but it feels like I’ve been doing the school / nursery run for over half my life; oh wait I have, it’s been 24yrs now I’ve been doing school runs and I’m 45! See how you feel when life begins to get easier and if you want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights. You may change your mind, or you might not. But see where life takes you

I was one of 3 and really hated it. When it was just me and my brother, it was great. We have always been close, the household felt calm and although I was young, I have many happy memories of that time.

The arrival of our sister really turned things upside down. I look back and my parents just seemed stressed and overstretched-financially and practically, all the time.

My sister is a very difficult character and that certainly hasn't helped. Now we are all adults, me and my brother are settled and independent. Our sister still demands a lot of support in many ways from our parents (and other family members).

Maybe it was a personality thing but I found, especially as a teenager, that I didn't particularly enjoy being at home/doing things as a family because I found it draining

I think it can be personality pumpkin

I have friends with two children who don’t get on at all

My three get on very well and dd who is the middle child is spoiled rotten by both of her brothers mainly because the boys are lovely and helpful

You might feel completely different in a few years time. When my second was born I really wanted to have a third. He’s nearly 4 now and I can’t imagine going back to the baby stage now. Life is busy enough juggling work and 2 kids with their activities and things! It’s easier to get out now we don’t have to consider naps, feeds, etc.

Im one of 3. Left out. Playdates had 2 girls in 3 seemed to clash or be left out. Holidays costlier too. I have 2. My neighbour has 5 kids! Secondary was expensive x2 as books new editions so couldnt pass on

I loved having 3 children. 3 under 4 years was hard work but we managed. Then when youngest was 6 I fell pregnant with number 4. At first I was upset but so glad we went ahead with the pregnancy. Love having a big family. They are all grown up now and are very close. Number 7 grandchild on the way. 👏👏👏

I’m one of three, so is dh, and we have three dc. My sister also has three, so it’s definitely the magic number in our family.

We’ve got ds17, ds15 and dd12. The boys are very close but used to veer between entertaining each other and taking chunks out of each other in the early years. I think I’ve been out of that phase long enough to look back on those years fondly now, but I do remember feeling outnumbered and harassed by moments!

The boys are protective of dd but don’t have much in common with her, and they also find her a bit mystifying as she’s just hit the hormonal and somewhat unreasonable stage, which they don’t understand. Her eldest brother adores her, our middle son would defend her to the hilt if anyone upset her but also enjoys winding her up and they will often clash. They all like each other though, and get along for the most part. I have friends with 2 dc + whose kids fight & argue 24/7 though, so having multiple children in no way guarantees that they’ll be ready made playmates!

Our house is still, and has always been noisy and a bit chaotic, which may be down to having 3dc, or it may just be that our three are noisy & chaotic. Dc’s friends like to hang out here, and I often feel like I’m running a soup kitchen as I feed hungry teenagers several times a week, but when I moan I’m doing it half arsed as I like that we’re the house that they all like coming to.

It’s also expensive as all three play sports that require subs, kit and lifts, bus passes for the older two are £70 a month each, lunch money is £60 per child, per month, ds1 is now having driving lessons, many bile phone contract of £30 x 3 phones every month etc etc

Don’t underestimate how much teenagers eat, our food bill is ridiculous, small children make feeding 3 seem relatively cheap & easy - this will change and you won’t believe how much you’ll spend on bread and cereal when they hit the permanently grazing stage!!

Then there’s the white trainers. You’ll pay for many, many pairs of white trainers with a tick on them. Ditto clothes. Teenagers aren’t easily fobbed off with M & S sale rail and Primark, it’s expensive keeping them in clothes and shoes, school uniforms and sports kit. Upside to this is that our 17 year old has a part time job, and has now realised the ‘I need to work x amount of hours to afford that CK tshirt’ equation, so he gets it now.

Essentially babies and toddlers make having 3 seem like a reasonable and relatively inexpensive idea, teenagers will make you realise you live the bones of them, but that you had no idea how much time, space and expense they incur.

It's a tough one and a very personal decision.

And I think I would give you a different opinion depending on what day you asked me.

I have two and and 99% sure we are stopping at 2.

I suspect I will always slightly regret not going for a third, but I think realistically the cons of a third (for all is us) would outweigh the pros.

My main reasonings for this are:

Age. If I were to conceive now, I would be just turning 37 by the time the baby was born. I often think this age seems fine for other people, but it's too old for me. I already feel old and tired with my two. Plus the problems with children that can be related to advanced maternal age are too much of a worry for me.

Money. I could manage another maternity leave and more years or nursery, but it would mean less holidays etc. I also wouldn't be able to help them with college/uni/property the way I hope to be able to with two.

Time. I struggle to devote enough time/attention to them as it is.
I think to have 3 kids you either need to be a stay at home mum, or superwoman. Major respect to women that do it but I don't think I could manage 3 kids plus my job.

As I say though, there is a part of me that will always regret not going for it.

I have 3 kids and work FT. I don’t feel like a superwoman. I spend one on one time with each child each week, we spend a lot of time together as a family. What I DO have is a very organised home - all food shopping done online, meal plans, I work from home, we have a cleaner, I do a wash everyday etc

You don't need to make the decision just yet as your baby is still little. As you've said you would want to wait 3 years then take that time and see how you and your oh feel because it isn't just your choice. I recently had my 3rd and thought it would be a lot harder than it is. She sleeps through and is a very chilled out baby. Her brother says she is our sunshine and she truly is. I'd consider having a fourth but would wait until she is 2. I'd be 37 then.

There a downsides of course to having more than two children but if you want to make it work you will. You just have to adjust your expectations a little. It is of course more expensive to go on holiday etc. I don't consider extracurricular such as dance and gymnastivs necessities in the same ways other parents do (mine will do no more than one each), nor do I put pressure on myself to constantly do activities with the kids on the weekend. There's a lot to be said for a pj Sunday or a kick around the park, a walk around a museum rather than softplay or cinema every week.

*gymnastics even

I don't consider extracurricular such as dance and gymnastivs necessities in the same ways other parents do (mine will do no more than one each), nor do I put pressure on myself to constantly do activities with the kids on the weekend. There's a lot to be said for a pj Sunday or a kick around the park, a walk around a museum rather than softplay or cinema every week.

You mightn't think these things necessary but I wonder would your children agree? What about when they're older and a kick around the park doesn't cut it anymore?

Wanted 3 girls, got a boy and a girl, both delightful of course. You just love the kids you get don't you! The baby mad me could have happily had more, but now they're teens I'm glad I didn't. They get on great and I'm able to support their lives much more than if we'd had more. Seeing kids happily into adulthood is time-consuming, and if you work too then I'm not sure how people do it. But people obviously do do it, and do it well, but I am glad we stopped at two.