The third child conundrum- aibu/ am I being silly?

[Bluffysummers]

I’ve posted this In parenting but it was all quite sunny ‘go for it’ so I’m posting here as aibu is usually quite ahem sobering before i get my heart set on having a third

So I’ve just had my second baby and he’s been night and day from my first. Everything has felt easier, yes it’s a bit chaotic when they both are at home but DH has staged his return to work so much so that dc2 will be 3 months before he does a full week and honestly it’s worked out so well for both of us. Dc 2 has been truly healing for both so us.

But I just get the feeling our family isn’t quite complete. Maybe I’ll feel different when he’s more active and I’m running around after 2. My main reason for feeling like this is I recently lost my dad and i have a v strained relationship to my own brother (he’s a very difficult personality and we were raised in a competitive environment, but I digress) and I do wish I had close siblings that I could count on to get through the tough times, not just bereavement but in general.

I’m trying to be very balanced in how to think about it but it’s just a feeling inside. I had 2 years between Dc1 and 2 so I know id like them both in school if we had a third, which means I’d be 36. I’ve also rationalised away some of the typical ‘cons’ of 3. I’ll put them below.
Cost- dh just got a huge promotion and pay rise. I’ll be looking to move up when I go back to work and I’d want to be working at least 3 years before falling preggo again. Family tickets are 2 adults 3 children in most places I’ve looked lately
House- we have a 4 bed already. Large spare double room could be shared for 2 of the same sex and we’d still get to keep the office.
Car- car is a lease and we could lease a 7 seater and keep our run around
Childcare- if older 2 are in school it’s not too bad

Cons I’m so so on -
My age if we did go for a third. I’d be 36 (I have quite a high ovarian reserve but I know the risk of trisomies rises and it’s apparently harder to conceive post 35 and would I feel worse physically? Saying that I know a lot of women have kids post 35 and feel fine and dandy

• potential for a loss
• 3 being an odd number- but I’ll raise my children v differently from how my parents raised me
• I’ve heard 3 kids is the most challenging

What else am I not thinking of? I know it might seem a long way off but I’m a dreamer and a planner.

Anyone else felt their family wasn’t quite complete and decided to go for it? Do you regret it ? Was it harder or easier than you anticipated? Were there any surprises? Did it make you want to have a 4th?

@Bluffysummers no they weren’t wrong in that he had a large lung tumour, but we didn’t terminate and he had his entire lung removed as a baby. Fortunately the tumour was benign!

I am in a similar situation. Desire to have kids can be insane. I had my 2nd last April and immediately thought'I'd like one more.'
I'm 40 though so it's stupid! I have 2 healthy kids but I have this urge /feeling I'm not done.

You have time on your side so take your time to decide. I don't as I'm an old lady biologically! If I could leave it another 3 years I'd defo go for it. I'm giving myself 6 months to decide. My husband isn't keen though.

Hi op Im one of 3 girls I am left out of things! As another post says no guarantees siblings close. I have 2 but a difficult birth first time so felt 2 was it. Found 2 quite costly I had two in secondary school at one point. Alot of my friends have 3 but good gaps so 2 at school.

I have 3. #2 turned out to be twins! They are now 9 & 6. I love the bones of all of them but it is such hard work. We have no close friends or family willing to baby sit all 3 at once. But even with 1 having a sleepover the dynamic changes completely. 2 get along much better. Less noise, bickering, mess etc etc.
Then there's the cost of days out/holidays. Even trying to find a hotel that'll allow 5 in a family room is far and few between.
The car situation has got better as they got older, but we have added complication that one if our twins has mild cerebral palsy so we needed boot space big enough for a wheelchair.
I often wonder if #2 had just been #2 if we would've tried for a third but we never got a choice which has been hard to come to terms with.

[quote Tunnocks34]@Bluffysummers no they weren’t wrong in that he had a large lung tumour, but we didn’t terminate and he had his entire lung removed as a baby. Fortunately the tumour was benign![/quote]
I’m glad the tumour was benign. I hope he’s doing well now @Tunnocks34 :)

@Bluffysummers oh he’s an absolute pain in the arse. But also perfectly healthy with no long lasting conditions except mild asthma.

I felt like this and debated it for years.

After an absolutely horrendous pregnancy. she is here and it’s fantastic. My eldest two were 4 and 7. I don’t want a fourth, 3 feels just right. I feel so so lucky every day. I obviously felt lucky when I had two but there’s something about three that just feels right for me. She was born just before my 35th birthday, expected it to be harder as older but conceived first month. I do however sometimes regret the dog I got at the same time. It’s tiring but I found it much harder having two little with the smaller age gap than 3 with the bigger age gap.

For me, I have noticed I do less but I enjoy that. When I had two I put a lot of pressure on myself as a mum. Having the third has lowered my standards and I’ve found it really freeing.

I stopped at two, and although I had a whole host of reasons that don't necessarily apply to you, a big one was that I was a middle child and suffered very seriously from 'middle child syndrome'. I could see from ds2's personality that he might be susceptible to that and really didn't want it for him.

We knew straight away after our second that we wanted a third but decided to wait until second was in school. Life got in the way, illness, promotion, relocation- suddenly I was hurtling towards 40. DH seemed less keen at that point (lucky with 2 healthy kids, risk of going for a third, the expense etc). I told him I wasn't prepared to continue holding the responsibility for our family planning so he needed to have the snip if we werent going to have a third. He did come round to the idea, unfortunately I suffered two miscarriages before we finally I got our rainbow when I was 40 and eldest were 11 and 8.
Best decision ever, littlest is a handful and just so full on and wonderful and makes our hearts sing. Yes we need a bigger car to take MIL out with us, everything is more expensive and life is busier than ever. I wouldnt change a thing (well apart from littlest perhaps being a little more biddable at times!). I am definitely done now, all broodied out, no regrets.

I have two, 4 years apart and they are the best of friends. Never wanted any more. The most telling thing that stuck with me is something I was told by a work colleague who had 3 kids, when i was pregnant with my second. She had felt pressured into having three as she'd had 2 girls and her DH wanted a boy (luckily the 3rd baby was male). She said that she had three children, but only two hands. It made her sad when out for a walk, there would always be one child who couldn't walk hand in hand with her... when they needed comforting, she could only put her arm around 2...

there is no way we would have had a third if we had put our calm and rational heads on.

Luckily I fell pregnant. The family feels so much more complete now than it did, and also No More.

I always read these threads and am amazed at how many people afford 3 kids. We both earn a decent salary and manage to be comfortable with one child. 3 children would stretch us completely. I'm always amazed by families on mumsnet who seem to have a million kids and earn 30000. We earn 3 times that and with inflation, mortgage, cars and childcare, just about keep the show on the road. Not a judgement really, just impressed at how it all works. How do you afford three teenagers who want phones, clothes and a million other costs?

It might not work too well if you end up with 5+ years between two siblings of the same age who need to share their bedroom, especially during some phases of their childhoods and teens. If you have one of each at the moment, this could happen. Even if not, if you don't conceive when you want to, you could get a 4+ age gap. Plus sometimes siblings do not get on, or they get on but are so into mischief, you want to separate them a bit!

Also three would be a lot to manage if you want to go back to work full time and progress upwards in your career, it shouldn't be this way for a woman more than a man but we all know it often is and even if your partner is a 50%+er and works locally with flexible hours, it'll still be a lot harder than with two and with the age range. And you really do NOT know how that child would change the dynamic for the better or not for the better.

It also depends what your finances are and what you want to be able to pay for, for the two children versus three, and how many hobbies you can manage to take them each to and things like this. Work out what you want for those two children and whether this is doable for 3.

See how you feel in 2 years' time, IMO, and keep your future planning open for either options rather than being in a holding pattern while you decide. I think you will know one way or the other by then, probably.

@Loveandlimpets

I always read these threads and am amazed at how many people afford 3 kids. We both earn a decent salary and manage to be comfortable with one child. 3 children would stretch us completely. I'm always amazed by families on mumsnet who seem to have a million kids and earn 30000. We earn 3 times that and with inflation, mortgage, cars and childcare, just about keep the show on the road. Not a judgement really, just impressed at how it all works. How do you afford three teenagers who want phones, clothes and a million other costs?

@Loveandlimpets i guess it’s a question of the more you earn the higher your cost of living. You’re more likely to have an expensive mortgage, get less in the way of benefits (not that they are earth shattering) live in a more expensive area, chose private school, get tutors, more hobbies, more expensive clothes etc.

Some of DH family have 6 kids and would consider themselves v comfortable and they have one earner, earning 30k tops (no benefit fraud or anything dodgy) but my parents earned nearly triple that and would have claimed to struggle with 2 kids.

Each child is an absolute joy in their own right, and I wouldn't be without any one of mine now they are here, but a family of three children is soooo much more work and harder in every way than two.

When dc3 was a baby, I would have happily had a fourth, but now they are all primary age, I'm glad I didn't because we are stretched as thinly as we can be with activities, clubs, homework, spellings, etc etc, while still (just about!) giving them the childhood we want to give them.

I think the thing I didn't really consider is that adding a third child to the family doesn't just add 50% more kids' laundry, logistics, time and expense, it also triples the child-child inter-relationships and interactions in the house, so managing the emotional dynamics, inter-relationships and even the noise, is by far the hardest part.

Also, 3 kids is worse for planet, plus housing crisis, pressure on NHS etc etc. Why not just stop at 2 and enjoy them?

I think you are waaay too early to be making decisions like this. You’re not even at the 4 months sleep thing yet! I know you are thinking ahead but still, you’re likely to feel a lot of different things as you go along.

I’m one of 4, and that was a big part of why I stopped at 2!!

My Mum and Dad just never seem to get a break! We are all adults now, but there is constantly one of us that needs help with something (well I’m pretty self sufficient but my 3 brothers are always after something!!), and them trying to see everyone regularly including now all the grandkids as well. I don’t want to have to spread myself that thinly, I want to be able to give my children as much of my time/ support as I can as they grow up and become adults. Plus the fact that personally I can just about keep on top of the life admin 2 children come with, I can’t imagine adding anything on top of my current load!

We are all different though aren’t we and some people wouldn’t be phased by any of that. I’m sure as your newest baby gets older you will know how you feel about it either way!

I had my third at 37 …he is now 22 . He is the most beautiful person ,inside and out . He is so wise and as a family we joke that he is the adult in the family. Absolutely adore him as I do his elder siblings…just go for it.💕

I’m so tempted but my youngest is 9 now and while the thought of an actual baby and all of that doesn’t worry me it’s having to stop work therefore losing money, going back to crazy childcare costs when I can go back to work, going back to things like swimming lessons etc.

So on that basis my advice is do it but do it asap - don’t wait till you’re basically starting again. I bet there’s not many who could honestly say they regret their third. Probably more of us who wish we had done it. Good luck!

@ForcedOut123

Also, 3 kids is worse for planet, plus housing crisis, pressure on NHS etc etc. Why not just stop at 2 and enjoy them?

I need to read up on the environmental reasons because I read an article that disputed the data on that theory so I want to read more into it because I do find it a compelling reason to stop and consider adoption. The nhs argument, not so compelling given the horrific mismanagement of funds and the deliberate decisions by the government to privatise it.

Mine are 23, 20 and 18

They honestly get on like a house on fire, im not gonna lie number 1 and number 2 had massive arguments when they were much younger but neither one fell out with number 3

Hotels, cars etc were a bit difficult

On the subject of multiples i know a few families who wanted one more child but ended up with 2 more

@Bluffysummers

You know what it probably is. 2 factors: 1- this time around I haven’t had the challenges I had first time around, or if I have I’ve felt for adept to deal with them. 2 don’t get me wrong I love my son, but I always wanted two girls, I always wanted a sister growing up so I think I still want another girl- not that you can predict these things

This is how I feel currently! But I can guarantee a girl! And I want them relatively close in age but my dd is nearly 4. Ds is 9 months!

Ahhhh!

We have 3 and when one is on a play date the house is so much calmer. Life with 2 feels like a doddle but I love the crazy. Getting out the house can be unnecessarily stressful though. My second pregnancy was twins so maybe having three at different ages is easier. The twins are always at the same stage so need me at the same time.