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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
NotBabiesForLong · 19/02/2022 19:15

@WouldIwasShookspeared

Since what he means is you keep working yourself hard to pay then yanbu. Tell him you are going to reduce your stress and they can part fund themselves or he can get a better paid job to make up the difference.
Absolutely this
Phobiaphobic · 19/02/2022 19:16

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@MelaniaFlump why though when you’ve said yourself that the girls will still benefit.

When you were that age would you honestly have allowed your mum to continue to fund your uni studies that you had chosen to do when you have over 100k in the bank and if it means she has to continue to work full time in a job that stresses her out to do so?[/quote]
Nail on head. Absolutely astonishing that people think OP should continue to do this.

MargaretThursday · 19/02/2022 20:40

@Imdonna

Op can go PT anytime she wants, if the o ly reason she is working FT is to help the kids with uni.

With her working PT, they will get more student finance, which is better than using the Inheritence. She could have done this at any point. They may need to use a very small amount to top up a shortfall.

If her going PT doesn't improve their student finance amount, then she earns a alot of money and would be in the same category of 'not needing' the Inheritence that she put her husband siblings in. Which would then make sense as to why, mil left it to the GC.

If I remember rightly they calculate student finance by last year's income so her going part time won't effect next year's finance.
Imdonna · 19/02/2022 20:58

If I remember rightly they calculate student finance by last year's income so her going part time won't effect next year's finance.

But she has wanted to do it for a while, before their inheritance was even known. If the only thing her extra money is going on is Uni, then she could have done it a while ago.

I am going through the process with dd at the moment. Since they were planning on helping their dds for a long time, I would have imagined op and her husband would have looked into this alot.

She could go part time now, for the next years finance AND for her other dd begore she starts, especially, if she expecting them to self fund. It would actually help them.

I suspect the money doesn't all go on uni and that op was counting on this money going to her husband so she could rescue her hours.

I still maintain any man that had decided to progress himself and build his career, wanting to reduce his hours based on his wife's Inheritence would not get any support.

Op has had options for a while and chose not to take them.

MargaretThursday · 19/02/2022 21:08

@Imdonna

Agree.
It would be a different situation if she'd been planning it before. If it was entirely about needing to go part time for mh, then she could have been looking into it with the bigger loan and talking to the dd about getting a job.
As it is it just comes across as trying to get the money.

AnonyMuse · 19/02/2022 21:12

I am horrified by the number of posters who expect OP to continue pushing herself to the absolute limits to provide financial help for her DDs that is no longer essential to enable them to go to university. It makes me wonder how many of them have spent the last 2-3 decades in long hours, high pressure jobs. Not many, I guess.
The student funding regime is based on the students having no significant funds of their own. It is therefore a red herring to say that it is OP’s duty/responsibility to continue providing funding for her DDs who are now wealthy in their own right.

Phobiaphobic · 19/02/2022 22:30

@AnonyMuse

I am horrified by the number of posters who expect OP to continue pushing herself to the absolute limits to provide financial help for her DDs that is no longer essential to enable them to go to university. It makes me wonder how many of them have spent the last 2-3 decades in long hours, high pressure jobs. Not many, I guess. The student funding regime is based on the students having no significant funds of their own. It is therefore a red herring to say that it is OP’s duty/responsibility to continue providing funding for her DDs who are now wealthy in their own right.
Agree. The level of internalised misogyny on this thread if off the scale.
sanbeiji · 19/02/2022 22:41

@AnonyMuse

I am horrified by the number of posters who expect OP to continue pushing herself to the absolute limits to provide financial help for her DDs that is no longer essential to enable them to go to university. It makes me wonder how many of them have spent the last 2-3 decades in long hours, high pressure jobs. Not many, I guess. The student funding regime is based on the students having no significant funds of their own. It is therefore a red herring to say that it is OP’s duty/responsibility to continue providing funding for her DDs who are now wealthy in their own right.
Too many people obsessing over her 'stealing her kids' inheritance'.
LuckySantangelo35 · 19/02/2022 22:50

@Phobiaphobic
Agreed. It’s awful isn’t it. It’s as if women especially women past a certain age just become invisible and unimportant, only there to facilitate others.
There is no way Op should have to continue as things were before and have some weird pretence that the inheritance never happened as so many posters are suggesting

Notjustanymum · 20/02/2022 06:29

I don’t want to derail the thread, and I stand by my previous point that the OP’s DC should agree not to spend their inheritance while OP makes a huge contribution to their education, by tying their funds into untouchable savings until they finish their degree courses.
However, I’m genuinely puzzled by some of the comments on here. If University students are being advised that they “ should take out the student 'loan' because the likelihood is that they will never have to pay it back in full.”, exactly how valuable are their degrees?
To me, this suggests that it’s more likely that following graduation, most will end up in a job with no great likelihood of any career progression - nullifying all the reasons that they are given throughout GCSE’s and A-levels to aspire to getting onto a degree course.
As parents, should we be complaining about this potential outcome? It seems that there’s an awful lot of pressure on young people to go to University, rather than to start training earlier to gain alternative qualifications more suited to them which would enable them to join the workforce and make progress in their careers without accumulating debt that otherwise they may never pay back…
I would hate to think that I’d somehow “proved myself” by becoming a BA or a BSc, but only be able to find employment in jobs that don’t offer either career progression, or a decent enough salary to clear a student debt…

Gingembre · 20/02/2022 06:36

Do the girls actually want you to pay for their costs? I'd have been embarrassed asking for money from my parents when I had £100k!

AuntieStella · 20/02/2022 06:44

The DC need to cover their own bills.

As do the parents, and the parental contribution is part of the student loan package, and they should cover it. But they need not do more.

The dynamics of which parent is working hard is not down to the DC. But perhaps it's taken the realisation that you are prepared to consider going as far as bilking in your own DC to realise something else has to give

MozzarellaMonster · 20/02/2022 07:47

Ignoring the inheritance can your husband consider doing more work wise so you can balance your work more?

BarbaraofSeville · 20/02/2022 08:43

[quote MargaretThursday]@Imdonna

Agree.
It would be a different situation if she'd been planning it before. If it was entirely about needing to go part time for mh, then she could have been looking into it with the bigger loan and talking to the dd about getting a job.
As it is it just comes across as trying to get the money.[/quote]
Or it could be that she's been desperate to scale back for years and never felt able to but now a solution has dropped into their laps and they should take it.

The DDs should take all the loans they are able to and use the inheritance to top up their living costs, plus also work if they can. They'll still have the vast majority of their money for house deposits but if the OP continues to work full time, she's effectively sacrificing her own mental health to allow her DDs the luxury of more spending money at university and even bigger house deposits.

Feelingnotatallok · 20/02/2022 08:50

If you reduce your hours your contribution for uni.costs may be less anyway.
I agree with your dh . If you had planned to.support them ie not expect them to.work.a job thro uni i dont think yiu shd change this.

catless · 20/02/2022 08:53

How is DH going to ensure the money goes towards houses for them?

Toanewstart23 · 20/02/2022 08:59

Baffling and frustrating that the OP never bothered to clarify or respond to repeated questions regarding what the heck her daughters w really think of the situation 🙄

EastEndQueen · 20/02/2022 09:07

Haven’t read the full thread (27 pages!) but just a thought- my DH and DSIL received a similar inheritance from their grandparents at that age. Their parents used it to buy them both a student house in their uni city which they lived in and rented out the other rooms to mates. It meant they had plenty of money for uni (as their friends rent paid all their expenses) and they were on the property ladder.

When they finish uni they can either keep it as an investment or continue to live there - probably gradually reducing housemates: improving decor as they earn!

Just a thought. Personally I would want to give them as much of a deposit for a house as humanely possible as it’s not a kind world out there in housing. Certainly they should still take the full amount they can get as student debt is low interest and doesn’t count against you for credit etc. Even if this money sits in the bank whilst they do this!

Hb12 · 20/02/2022 09:11

@Toanewstart23

Baffling and frustrating that the OP never bothered to clarify or respond to repeated questions regarding what the heck her daughters w really think of the situation 🙄
To be fair, if I was told repeatedly that k was a grabby, feckless parent for wanting to reduce my bread winning hours in a stressful job while my husband chilled out in his easy life role, just so that my kids to could keep every penny of the 6 figure inheritance in case they decide to buy a house...I probably wouldn't come back to hear it AGAIN either.
sofakingcool · 20/02/2022 10:13

Absolutely Hb, horrible thread

billy1966 · 20/02/2022 10:29

Complete agree. @Hb12

I really hope the scales have fallen from her eyes.

She's the family work horse for her lazy arsed husband.

sanbeiji · 20/02/2022 10:35

@Hb12 well said.
Poor OP.
And from MUMSNET of all places
lord save us all

sanbeiji · 20/02/2022 10:45

@Notjustanymum

I don’t want to derail the thread, and I stand by my previous point that the OP’s DC should agree not to spend their inheritance while OP makes a huge contribution to their education, by tying their funds into untouchable savings until they finish their degree courses. However, I’m genuinely puzzled by some of the comments on here. If University students are being advised that they “ should take out the student 'loan' because the likelihood is that they will never have to pay it back in full.”, exactly how valuable are their degrees? To me, this suggests that it’s more likely that following graduation, most will end up in a job with no great likelihood of any career progression - nullifying all the reasons that they are given throughout GCSE’s and A-levels to aspire to getting onto a degree course. As parents, should we be complaining about this potential outcome? It seems that there’s an awful lot of pressure on young people to go to University, rather than to start training earlier to gain alternative qualifications more suited to them which would enable them to join the workforce and make progress in their careers without accumulating debt that otherwise they may never pay back… I would hate to think that I’d somehow “proved myself” by becoming a BA or a BSc, but only be able to find employment in jobs that don’t offer either career progression, or a decent enough salary to clear a student debt…
Honestly? Most full-time degrees aren't worth the paper they're printed on! Students are just cash cows.

You'll see a few people come up with stories like.. 'my DS went to a rubbish uni, suddenly blossomed academically and then ended up at Oxbridge'.
Fair enough, but what about the rest of them who instead ended up in low paid jobs with a huge debt? I volunteer to review CV's, provide career coaching and the number of young people I see in dead-end jobs, even 5 years after graduating is heartbreaking.

The world is fluid now. So many unis offer part-time courses, online degrees, etc.
If someone discovered a passion for a subject, they can THEN quit their job, be funded and go to full time uni. No issues there. Or even do degree PT.

However there's no reason to push all young people into uni, using 'getting a job' as an excuse. Degrees don't teach any 'transferable skills' that people can't get by ither means. In fact a lot of qualifications (like the accounting ICAEW) are equivalent to an NVW level 7.

Btw I was in finance, now switched to computer science.
I downloaded the textbooks for free off the internet, Harvard, MIT etc have free courses, I taught myself loads.

There lots of ways for the thirst to awaken, and be pursued to an extent BEFORE committing to a degree.

I say.. to those who are passionate.. like I was about my first subject. Go to uni. If they want to do Physics, Chemistry, heck even Theatre,.. go.

But to those who have no idea, 'average' grade, choose some generic subject.. no not worth it.

It's a bit of a vicious cycle though, the more graduates there are the more jobs demand 'degrees' for jobs that don't need them, and forces more people to go to uni... but the tide is turning somewhat.

sanbeiji · 20/02/2022 10:45

*Theatre or History

YankeeDad · 20/02/2022 10:53

I am also very surprised by how many people are saying that OP is morally obliged to continue working very hard, to the point of potentially damaging her own health, in order to fund her children's university costs (not her own standard of living), so that her husband can continue to chillax in his no-stress job, and so that her children can each keep untouched their £100k windfall inheritance.

Had they not inherited, her choice would have been: keep working to an extent she finds excessive, or see her children perhaps unable to go to university at all. Their father has been unwilling to make that sacrifice for them, but she has been willing to do it.

Now, the facts have changed, and they can go to university without her having to continue to make that sacrifice (that their father was never making to begin with)

IMO, it would be entirely normal and appropriate for her to have a family conversation, announce that she feels overworked and needs to scale back her hours, and let the chips fall where they may. Her children will still have the opportunity to go to university, whether or not her husband volunteers to step up and do more.