To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

[trippinglyonthetongue]

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

@sanbeiji We don't know what the husband's story would be. He may have done lots of childcare or looking after the home if his wife had a high power career and was ambitious. At the end of the day the women who come on and say their husband feels he has the last word because he earns more get support. A woman says she has more say as she makes more money and that's fine. Actually it is sexist.

@Theluggage15

Blimey where has this working herself to death, working herself to the bone, costing her health and well being come from? Talk about exaggeration. She wants to use her children’s inheritance to make her life easier, it’s as simple as that.

Try reading her posts. It’s very simple to select them. She has health issues.

Oh and a bone idle husband.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Belladonna12 based on what
Do you know what the maximum loan is , its around £9000 i think and not all get bursaries that often depends on courses
Also some parents contribute but they don't make up all the shortfull
Many can't afford that
Why do you think many uni students work
Op has said they will still contribute but not all costs like now and that she will do same for dd2 as dd1! So guessing thats the 1st year paid , which leaves them 2 years to contribute towards as well
Thats not too much to ask [/quote]
I think the maximum loan is about £9,700. In London it's more. That's enough for the basics in most parts of the country. Students with full loans often get discounts on hall of residence costs and often bursaries too.
If OP intends to pay the rent that probably is the whole contribution anyway (could easily be 5000)

“you have had 18 years to save for this, it's a bit pathetic to argue that you can't possibly contribute while at the same time expect your child to earn that amount in a shorter time on a much lower salary while also studying.”

I really disagree with this. Unless they are doing full-on courses like medicine or nursing, many students have a huge amount of free time. There is no reason why they can’t get a summer job even if term-time is tricky. It’s attitudes like this that do young adults no favours. It is good for them to work and get experience aside from anything else.

The OP has already said she’s keen to cut down hours for her own health. I’d contribute if possible but I certainly wouldn’t be comprising my own health if my adult children had decided not to get a job.

I'd continue funding my DC in these circumstances, and be delighted they will be in a position to sort out their own houses etc without further help. I'd encourage them to put the money away for a few years so they don't fritter it away.

@Bunnycat101

“you have had 18 years to save for this, it's a bit pathetic to argue that you can't possibly contribute while at the same time expect your child to earn that amount in a shorter time on a much lower salary while also studying.”

I really disagree with this. Unless they are doing full-on courses like medicine or nursing, many students have a huge amount of free time. There is no reason why they can’t get a summer job even if term-time is tricky. It’s attitudes like this that do young adults no favours. It is good for them to work and get experience aside from anything else.

The OP has already said she’s keen to cut down hours for her own health. I’d contribute if possible but I certainly wouldn’t be comprising my own health if my adult children had decided not to get a job.

Science, Engineering and Tech degrees also have around 35 hours of contact hours alongside another 20 of outside reading. It’s not just medicine and nursing.

A fine art degree requires attendance for 40 hours a week.

Yes but they’re not necessarily doing contact time during the holidays which are plentiful unlike health degrees where students are often doing placements and have shorter breaks. There is no reason given shortages in hospitality that most students couldn’t earn £1-2k during the holidays especially now there are so many hospitality shortages.

I agree with your husband. My daughter has savings including inheritance but not as much as £100k. My plan is for her not to touch it and it's to go towards property in the future. I continue paying her £80pw as if it isn't there.

@Belladonna12

It just depends on your upbringing l. You were one of the lucky ones especially back then and that's great. A lot do just have to get a job and that's all there is to it

As other posters have said, the gap could be around £5k over 3 years that could be £15k out of £100k inheritance which doesn’t feel unreasonable. If the girls didn’t want to use their inheritance they could get a holiday job (say £1-2k) and look to use any growth/interest from the capital. £3k would only be 3% a year and if invested they could be making more.

For the OP to earn £10k for both after dedications that could be quite a difference especially if she’s making NHS pension contributions (she mentioned health job)

Hypothetically-

@60k with 12.5% pension take home £38k

Not paying university costs could allow a drop to £28k after contributions which could be around £45k. That could be the OP dropping a day and a half at work or picking a less stressful role. Both of which could have a massive impact on her overall health and ability to continue working.

My DD will inherit approx 140k just before she goes up to university. I’m not expecting her to use it for university. I will find out of my salary 9k pa for her living costs and she will get a loan for tuition fees. Basics;;;y carrying on as if there was no inheritance.

But if she chooses to do a year abroad and lengthen her degree she wi;’ use the inheritance for this.

@Theluggage15 sod you actually read the OP

I'm with your dh I'm afraid.. this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to get them on the housing ladder. I'd do everything I could to keep that money for deposits.

@Belladonna12 im not a high earner at all my dh has recently got a better paid job but we scrapped by when the kids were little , my dh was retraining on an apprenticeship wage at one point and its only last 3 years his wages have increased bit by bit, I got made redundant due to covid and was pretty much out of work for 2 years as well , so son't be so judgemental , you can tell you have a privileged life
We would need to fund him around £5000 a year the accommodation is around £5500 basic out of london for his uni , more if he wanted a better room
We don't have £5000 - a year available and also have other dc
Luckily my son isn't like you and knows we work hard and will help where we can but he also has a good work ethic and is happy to help Fund his education
We aren't all born with silver spoons in our mouths , we have worked hard to get where we are and he is the first in our family to go to uni

I'm with you op, I'd try to persaude your DH of this. Also perhaps they won't want to buy a property soon, they might want to travel or work abroad. If this is their inheritance they shoukd be able to use as they wish, but I don't see why you should be working so hard to help them anymore.

@Belladonna12 also if you read my posts you will see that my son has taken a gap year so he can earn a decent amount before starting with no real outgoing , he doesn't pay rent , we pay his phone bill ans its more than £5000 he would need about £6000 or more , many that have the basic loan don't just live off this they work as well
I also never said we wouldn't help him at all,we continue to pay his phone and send him some money when we can as well as always send him back with plenty of food etc
But nearly a year if working earning £18000 he has managed to save a fair amount , he should still have money when he leaves as long as he doesn't blow it all as he will get a part time job or summer job as he isn't work shy
Im proud of him and we must of done something right as he doesn't think the world owes him a living , he knows most of us have to work for what we want in life

@Bunnycat101

“you have had 18 years to save for this, it's a bit pathetic to argue that you can't possibly contribute while at the same time expect your child to earn that amount in a shorter time on a much lower salary while also studying.”

I really disagree with this. Unless they are doing full-on courses like medicine or nursing, many students have a huge amount of free time. There is no reason why they can’t get a summer job even if term-time is tricky. It’s attitudes like this that do young adults no favours. It is good for them to work and get experience aside from anything else.

The OP has already said she’s keen to cut down hours for her own health. I’d contribute if possible but I certainly wouldn’t be comprising my own health if my adult children had decided not to get a job.

I don't disagree that they can get a summer job but they aren't going to earn enough to pay all their living costs for the rest of the year in a few weeks, particularly as they will probably have to pay for rent during the summer.

OP has said that she will pay rent which I think is a significant contribution so I'm not commenting on what she should or shouldn't do. I am just strongly disagreeing with posters who think they shouldn't have to contribute anything even if they are relatively high earners.

@Belladonna12 seeing as you aimed that at me clearly shows you didn't actually read where i said we couldn't afford to make up all the shortfall as is the same foe many others , my ds 16 has a part time job whilst at college working 1-2 shifts a week so approx 10 hrs ans earns £75 a week And many uni students can do the same
Not many on here have said they wouldn't fund at all but that they can't afford to make uo all the shortfall, I will have 2 at uni at the same time do you know the allowance they take into account for a child its not a lot so when they work out based in income they don't consider things like this at all, like i said your obviously privileged and not had to struggle
What do you consider a high earner ?

Haven't read the whole thread but I honestly wouldn't want my mum working herself to the bone so I could go to university.
They have been pretty lucky to get this money handed to them at such a young age. Presumably they are doing degrees that are going to mean they will get a pretty good job at the end of it. Even if they do pay some money towards their own education they are still going to have a hearty chunk left for a house deposit
Let's face it if you carry on as you are you could end up making yourself ill and then everyone is screwed for money because you won't be able to work full stop.
And I don't blame you for feeling like you do about the inheritance it's just the natural order of life isn't it that the money comes down the generations.
Anyway if it was my mum then without a doubt I would pay my own way and not only that I would be thinking of taking her on a nice holiday too !

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Belladonna12 seeing as you aimed that at me clearly shows you didn't actually read where i said we couldn't afford to make up all the shortfall as is the same foe many others , my ds 16 has a part time job whilst at college working 1-2 shifts a week so approx 10 hrs ans earns £75 a week And many uni students can do the same
Not many on here have said they wouldn't fund at all but that they can't afford to make uo all the shortfall, I will have 2 at uni at the same time do you know the allowance they take into account for a child its not a lot so when they work out based in income they don't consider things like this at all, like i said your obviously privileged and not had to struggle
What do you consider a high earner ? [/quote]
I have read where you said you couldn't afford it. My point is that if you are a relatively high earner you should have saved the money so that you could afford it. You have had 18 years to do that. It's interesting that you expect your children to be good at earning money and saving it but can't manage it yourself.
I would consider your household income of 60 K to be relatively high.

@CarrotCarrotCucumber

For those recommending buying a house for university, I'm curious to know if anyone has done this recently and how, as it seems an excellent idea if it works, but almost impossible these days. Surely a mortgage would be required to top up the inheritance, so the student would have to go through the process of proving that they have sufficient income to cover this? I would suspect the same would apply even if both were happy to go to the same university and pool their money (which would hardly be a given, and would depend on the courses in which they were interested and their grades).

I did exactly this, as a student (although the relationships were different). Got a buy-to-mortgage with a guarantor (my DH before we were married). I didn’t live in it though, which would be ideal.

Very (very) rough figures might be: DC buys a 3bed house for 250k with 150k mortgage guaranteed by OP. Lives in one room, lets out 2 at 60 pw and uses money for living expenses. OP pays mortgage in leiu of rent (which she has said she could still manage) and will be around 250-700 per month depending on repayment or interest only deals) so OP has peace of mind the mortgage is paid, DC has rent and living expenses funded (with perhaps partial loans for tuition) Or DC uses their loan to pay the mortgage (which sounds stupid, but might be quite an efficient way of using the money) or even just blows it, but still graduates with fairly minimal debt and a house. Very likely more house than their 100k would get them in three or four years time. mortgage deals are commonly five years, so DC can refinance after they’ve been working for two years, and should be good to go it alone then. Hopefully OP doesn’t have to flog herself quite so hard at work, and can pay into DCs house, not some other landlords’ pocket. DH can continue to coast, but the girls are on the housing ladder, and earning and their capital is growing while they study. Everyone benefits, everyone is contributing none has too much power, everyone has something to lose and the inheritance isn’t shrinking.

There is a slight risk that the market could crash just when they want to move areas and they can’t sell, but that will be a risk with any house purchase. I do think it’s a possibility, but I don’t think it’s insurmountable.

The biggest hurdle I can see is that this isn’t covered by either buy to let mortgages (which you may not live in) or residential mortgages (which you may not let) and DC needs to do both. That might be tricky, but I’m sure it’s possible. You might be able to get consent to let, for example. It’s a pretty common way to be tax efficient, and I’m sure there are ways to make it work.

My DC is only 11, but this is what I will do with her inheritance from a grandparent, if I don’t have the money to fund her outright as well as keep my standard of living similar (I don’t mind making sacrifices for her education, but I’m not living in poverty. I’m not a higher rate tax payer!). However, all her grandparents have said they are planning to provide for their grandchildren, either as well as or instead of us, so it’s possible she will be more wealthy than I am at that point. In which case, I think she can pay her own way, and if people think that’s me stealing from her, so be it. I’ll pay if I must, but not if she has other options. I would actually prefer she got herself a house first and a degree later, if she can only afford one or the other, but I think both should be possible for her. I expect she will have her own ideas. She generally does!

@MelaniaFlump

I’m with your DH (assuming you’re not bankrupting yourselves paying for uni).

If you just deduct the money from what you’re giving DD the effect is as if the money had been left to you and not her- you benefit, she stays the same. I imagine that, if your late MIL had wanted that outcome, she’d have left the money to your DH.

This. Essentially the money is being used for you to go part time. Not really fair in my opinion, unless the DGP said it was to used in this way.

Everyone is saying the DC chose to go to uni, but it might not be true. Imagine this:

I’m in my second year of uni. I didn’t want to go but my parents made me as it’s important to them. I’m really worried about the massive loan I’ll have at the end of it and I don’t really like my course. My beloved granny just died and I’m really sad about it. She left me some money but my mum says I have to spend it on uni (which I hate) because she doesn’t want to contribute to my living costs any more.

A lot of parents send their children to uni by default, and they pay graduate tax for the rest of their careers. And to the PPs, minimum wage for under 20s is low, and getting jobs in the holidays isn’t necessarily that easy.