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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 19/02/2022 07:27

Maybe things have changed since I was at uni (they probably have) but i received 'minimum' loan and bursary with expectation parents would help. They paid my rent and would occasionally buy me food but the rest was student loans. Surely paying rent is enough contribution?

Newmumatlast · 19/02/2022 07:34

@19lottie82

Hmm I think you’re still expected to make the allocated parental contribution! After that they can pay for extras themselves.

If I could afford it I wouldn’t like to see them whittle the money away when it could be used towards a house, it’s hard enough to get on the ladder as it is.

Agree with this. I would pay for what I had been happy to, and planned for, previously because I would see this as a chance for my children to get an EXTRA step ahead not for them to be in the same position as they were before but me better off. But then I may be unusual in thinking as I have brought my children into this world knowing it is so hard to pay for education and a home, I should do what I can to help them with those things finances allowing albeit expecting them to also work and contribute. I wouldnt change that view if they got lucky like this.
Newmumatlast · 19/02/2022 07:46

@trippinglyonthetongue

Thanks guys - quite mixed responses.

I completely agree about making sure dd2 gets what dd1 has already had, will definitely do that. I don't agree that dh gets more of a say as it's his mother as I'm the one who brings in most of our income so I feel if anything I get more of a say in what the money I earn pays for?

The thing is, I must admit I am a tiny bit miffed that dh (and his siblings) have been passed over and it's all going to the gc. I KNOW it's none of my business, but it does sting a bit. We have never had any financial help from mil (not saying we should have, but just clarifying) and dh's siblings are both better off than us and (probably) don't need it/wouldn't benefit from a cash injection, which we most definitely would.

As for houses, not sure that the girls are thinking that way at the moment in any case - I get the sense this money could well be frittered a bit if they don't get some advice and maybe paying for stuff would make them more responsible? Not mentioned this to them yet as a plan so don't know their views.

This update does, to me, read a bit as you seeing this as a way to in effect get some of the inheritance that you think should've come to your DH. It sounds like if it had you'd have seen it as family money - so though you earn more, surely your earnings are also family money for you and DH to make joint decisions about rather than it being more your decision. I'm sure on mumsnet people usually, with shoe on other foot and DH earning more, routinely say its all family money.

Id have no issue with them using their inheritance if they were going to have to fund uni themselves anyway but you're talking about changing your plans so you in effect benefit from their inheritance and that doesn't sit well with me as a mum myself.

Notjustanymum · 19/02/2022 07:58

You know your DC’s best, and if paying for everything for them in Uni will put financial stress on you, while they are peeing their inheritance up the wall (as my dear DC did when they received an inheritance at age 22), then I don’t think YABU at all.
It’s all very well for your DH to hope they will be sensible, but in reality, how has he planned to make sure they are?
In this situation, it’s probably best to agree to fund them ONLY if they put their money into a savings scheme for 5 years or so, to ensure that they can use the money as DH intended when older. This will enable them to study as planned, and you won’t have the sour feeling of having funded their champagne lifestyle while putting your own finances and lifestyle in jeopardy.

BuanoKubiamVej · 19/02/2022 08:05

You should still make the expected parental contribution amount, and yy as you previously said you should give your youngest the same amount that your oldest has already had, but yanbu that some of rhis inheritance should be spent on their education. That won't prevent them from having plenty left for a house deposit when the time comes.

miltonj · 19/02/2022 08:14

Even Martin Lewis recommends that Inheritance isn't spent on funding uni. What if they never get a graduate job and therefore would have never had to pay it back. Then it's random money spent with no gain. The debt is not like real debt, snd is paid back in line with salary m. People who earn enough to pay it off, don't notice it going out. It's not crippling snd no one is knocking on your door threatening you for it. Much, much better put into property or starting business.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 19/02/2022 08:22

With some smart investing the DC could pay say 10-15k towards uni and their pots could still be worth around 100k when they graduate.

Icequeen01 · 19/02/2022 08:23

My DS was in a similar situation when he received an inheritance from my DF when he was 14. When he was 18 he used the money as a deposit on a BTL flat which he rented out. He used the money he earned from that he put towards his Uni fees. He is 22 now and still owns his flat which is still rented out so he hasn't eroded any of his inheritance.

billy1966 · 19/02/2022 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 08:43

I’d carry on contributing
But I’d suggest a contribution from the inheritance

In any event, it would be a non issue In my family as my children would WANT to contribute and offer

billy1966 · 19/02/2022 08:47

Posted on the wrong thread, my apologies, reported.

Jijithecat · 19/02/2022 08:54

@Belladonna12 when is this golden age of saving meant to happen? For many people nursery fees are equivalent if not more to mortgage payments, school trips are in the thousands in secondary school, uniform costs are astonishingly high, clubs to pay for, glasses, braces, driving lessons etc.
When you take these things into account there's probably not much left over for saving.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/02/2022 09:17

@Newmumatlast
Why shouldn’t she benefit though? The DDs have been left a massive sum surely they would want to make life a bit easier for their mum and it’s only fair.

Belladonna12 · 19/02/2022 09:31

[quote Jijithecat]@Belladonna12 when is this golden age of saving meant to happen? For many people nursery fees are equivalent if not more to mortgage payments, school trips are in the thousands in secondary school, uniform costs are astonishingly high, clubs to pay for, glasses, braces, driving lessons etc.
When you take these things into account there's probably not much left over for saving.[/quote]
If nursery fees cost the same as a mortgage you would have had plenty of spare money to start saving after you stopped paying for them. I've certainly never spent thousands on school trips. To do that you must have been paying for a lot of trips abroad which aren't compulsory. Ridiculous to spend money on that and then not be able to contribute to university costs. Whilst clubs and uniforms do cost money, you don't have to pay them when your child is at university so you will be able to use that saving to contribute to their costs.

Jijithecat · 19/02/2022 09:56

So actually it's all about priorities then. When you stop paying nursery fees you might have enough money to save for a bigger house, so that your children have a decent size garden that they can run around in or their own bedroom.
School trips might be ridiculous in your opinion, but that doesn't mean they are for everyone. I don't ski, if my children want to go on the school skiing holiday they can. A new experience shared with friends can be life enhancing and lead to new opportunities.
Not everyone lives their life the same way that you do nor do they have to.

PenStation · 19/02/2022 10:16

Can’t you help them to buy a property to live in at the place where they are studying, and rent the other rooms out to other students to cover the mortgage. This would relieve you of covering rent costs.

Belladonna12 · 19/02/2022 10:20

@Jijithecat

So actually it's all about priorities then. When you stop paying nursery fees you might have enough money to save for a bigger house, so that your children have a decent size garden that they can run around in or their own bedroom. School trips might be ridiculous in your opinion, but that doesn't mean they are for everyone. I don't ski, if my children want to go on the school skiing holiday they can. A new experience shared with friends can be life enhancing and lead to new opportunities. Not everyone lives their life the same way that you do nor do they have to.
It is about priorities, yes. I didn't say that school trips were all ridiculous. I do think it ridiculous to prioritise expensive overseas skiing trips over being able to make the expected parental contribution to your child's living costs while at university though.
Jijithecat · 19/02/2022 10:59

You said it's ridiculous to spend money on trips that aren't compulsory. Besides one skiing trip doesn't even cover the first year of parental contributions.
I have interviewed plenty of graduates for jobs that didn't require a degree. Having a degree doesn't necessarily mean that you will end up with a good, well paid career. Likewise not having a degree doesn't necessarily hold you back.
If our children want to go to university and want us to make the contributions they will be doing a course that leads to an occupation with good prospects. It's effectively an investment and we will want to see the money being spent well.

Belladonna12 · 19/02/2022 11:17

@Jijithecat

You said it's ridiculous to spend money on trips that aren't compulsory. Besides one skiing trip doesn't even cover the first year of parental contributions. I have interviewed plenty of graduates for jobs that didn't require a degree. Having a degree doesn't necessarily mean that you will end up with a good, well paid career. Likewise not having a degree doesn't necessarily hold you back. If our children want to go to university and want us to make the contributions they will be doing a course that leads to an occupation with good prospects. It's effectively an investment and we will want to see the money being spent well.
You said that school trips costs thousands. I said that they would only costs thousand if you are paying for non-compulsory trips abroad and it would be ridiculous to do that if it then meant you can't pay the expected parental contribution to your child's degree.
CrimbleCrumble1 · 19/02/2022 11:28

One of my DC cost me 17k while they were at uni, the other 23k as he did a masters. The school ski trip is a drop in the ocean compared to those figures.

Belladonna12 · 19/02/2022 11:42

@CrimbleCrumble1

One of my DC cost me 17k while they were at uni, the other 23k as he did a masters. The school ski trip is a drop in the ocean compared to those figures.
The poster said that they would be spending 1000s on school trips. I'm not suggesting that not going on one ski trip will mean that the parent can pay the whole £17K.Hmm Everything adds up though and no one can argue that they can't save if they are spending 1000s on ski trips.
TrickyD · 19/02/2022 12:06

Get the lazy waste of space husband to get a better job. Problem sorted.

sofakingcool · 19/02/2022 12:15

@TrickyD

Get the lazy waste of space husband to get a better job. Problem sorted.
This!!

Your DH cannot dictate that he doesn't want his daughter to use any of her inheritance, but also refuse to sort out his own job

RedskyThisNight · 19/02/2022 12:41

[quote Jijithecat]@Belladonna12 when is this golden age of saving meant to happen? For many people nursery fees are equivalent if not more to mortgage payments, school trips are in the thousands in secondary school, uniform costs are astonishingly high, clubs to pay for, glasses, braces, driving lessons etc.
When you take these things into account there's probably not much left over for saving.[/quote]
If you can afford to pay for "school trips in the thousands" (if I added up all my DC's trips together I doubt it would be that), many clubs, driving lessons etc plus whatever a teenager costs to feed, clothe, provide transport for etc. out of income, then you can afford to pay the same amount out of income towards university fees. No saving required.

Also, most people's incomes go up (or they can work more hours when they don't have to work round small children all the time).

billy1966 · 19/02/2022 12:49

@sanbeiji

"Children's uni paid for by wife.
Children's house deposit paid for by mother (god bless her soul).
piece of work.. too polite a term to use!"

Sums it up, what a prince🙄

I really hope the OP joins the dots!