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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dc to self-fund uni after receiving inheritance

701 replies

trippinglyonthetongue · 18/02/2022 12:50

We have 2 dc, one already in uni and one should be going next year. They don't get full loans due to our income and we have to pay rent and provide money for other living costs. We had saved for this but a lot still comes from our monthly income. It's our biggest expense and will obviously increase further when dd2 goes.

Dh's mother passed away a few months ago and it turns out she has left her (quite considerable) estate to be shared between her gc. We aren't sure of the final amount yet as property is being sold but it will be in excess of £100k each for our 2. I have said to dh that this is a weight off us in terms of funding uni and the girls should be able to sort most of it themselves now. He is adamant that the money is not for that and is for houses for them. I'm actually shocked at how strongly he feels about it and he's made me feel like I'm robbing them or something. I would still pay for things like holidays and maybe rent, but I don't see why it's so awful to expect them to fund some things and surely they'd still have a fair bit left if they're sensible? The thing is, I earn quite a bit more than him and have found my job increasingly stressful and draining since covid (hcp) and would really like to step back from management and/or go part time, which would be out of the question with funding the girls.

Am I really being so unreasonable?

OP posts:
Socksey · 19/02/2022 12:54

Maybe I'm just awkward etc... but I see a really simple solution...
DH can get his finger out and make up any shortfall thus allowing OP to step back a little and fulfilling his desire that the inheritance isn't used for education.... it's no longer convenient for everyone else so he can step up now.... everyone is happy then...

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 13:02

In this situation, it’s probably best to agree to fund them ONLY if they put their money into a savings scheme for 5 years or so, to ensure that they can use the money as DH intended when older. This will enable them to study as planned, and you won’t have the sour feeling of having funded their champagne lifestyle while putting your own finances and lifestyle in jeopardy

Most sensible suggestion yet. Can you imagine supporting them while they spent money like water on fripperies?

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/02/2022 13:26

[quote billy1966]@sanbeiji

"Children's uni paid for by wife.
Children's house deposit paid for by mother (god bless her soul).
piece of work.. too polite a term to use!"

Sums it up, what a prince🙄

I really hope the OP joins the dots![/quote]
@billy1966
Completely agree. It should not be a case if everyone else’s needs and wants and preferences taking precedence over the OP. Regardless of who the money was left to, or whether or not DP is ambitious. Op’s DP and DDs both need to be stepping up and taking their mum into consideration more. A woman does not have to sacrifice all her time, health, well-being and finances for ever and ever if she becomes a mother

Elbie79 · 19/02/2022 13:39

I'm with your DH.

OctoblockBuild · 19/02/2022 13:46

Help them get a buy to let investment (even better if they could see themselves living there one day) and let them take the income to help with uni? Win-win

Glittertwins · 19/02/2022 13:54

Totally on side with your DH.
Our DCs will get similar amounts via my grandparents and parents but it will be held in trusts until they are older. We will be funding university / alternatives and have funds set aside for that.

beachcitygirl · 19/02/2022 14:15

Yabu

However, if work is stressing you then go part time, the parental part of your kids university will drop & they will get a bigger grant/loan.

However you MUST in all good conscience pay the parental part on full. That's on you.

Your late mil didn't intend the inheritance for her son or for your benefit. It's a gift to her grandkids.

Your parental responsibilities remain in place.

CayrolBaaaskin · 19/02/2022 15:04

I am a single mum and no way would I try to get out of paying for dds maintenance at university. I can’t imagine trying to get the benefit of any inheritance left to them either.

You should pay a fair parental contribution to dds when at uni.

As for all the claims of how the dh is “bone idle” because he earns less - that contrasts strongly with attitudes to women in a relationship who earn less. Then it’s all family money apparently.

Jijithecat · 19/02/2022 15:34

@RedskyThisNight that's only the case if everything remains the same. In the OP's case their health/well being has taken a nose dive so it's really not unreasonable that they want to take a step back, particularly as they have said they will still help their child financially just perhaps not to the full extent they had been.
Previous posters have talked about having been made redundant during the pandemic and only recently getting a job and having debts to repay. Their circumstances have changed but the parental contribution doesn't take that into account.

On a separate matter, I'd be interested to know what happens if you have one child who goes to university and one who doesn't. Would you give them a 'parental contribution' even though they don't have a course to pay for? It seems unfair if you don't yet unnecessary at the same time.

mugglenutmeg · 19/02/2022 15:40

As a parent I take responsibility to financially support my children until they are fully educated.

I agree with your DH, you need to continue to support them through uni, and help them invest their money wisely until they are able to get on the property ladder.

This is a wonderful opportunity for your kids to get ahead in life, help them use the mist of it and not lose it all to the expense of university (which should be the parents responsibility)

mugglenutmeg · 19/02/2022 15:40

*make the most

mewkins · 19/02/2022 16:24

@beachcitygirl

Yabu

However, if work is stressing you then go part time, the parental part of your kids university will drop & they will get a bigger grant/loan.

However you MUST in all good conscience pay the parental part on full. That's on you.

Your late mil didn't intend the inheritance for her son or for your benefit. It's a gift to her grandkids.

Your parental responsibilities remain in place.

To be fair none of us knows what she intended with the inheritance. Using it on uni isn't exactly pissing money up the wall.

Here is the other thing..... what if the dc have no intention of buying property with it. What if they use it to go travelling for a few years or buy a fancy car. They would be fully entitled to do that. Would op still be expected to fund their university place?

Darbs76 · 19/02/2022 16:29

I agree with your husband to keep it for a house if you can afford to supplement them. If it’s leaving you in a tough financial position then maybe not

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 16:30

I agree with your DH, you need to continue to support them through uni, and help them invest their money wisely until they are able to get on the property ladder

It’s been pointed out many times that “D”H should be putting his money where his mouth is if that’s what he thinks. He’s a great role model for his kids, isn’t he? No ambition, refuses to try for promotion, doesn’t pull his weight financially. If he thinks his daughters should continue to be fully subsidised, then he should earn the money to do it. It’s so easy to spend money other people have earned.

mewkins · 19/02/2022 16:31

[quote Jijithecat]@RedskyThisNight that's only the case if everything remains the same. In the OP's case their health/well being has taken a nose dive so it's really not unreasonable that they want to take a step back, particularly as they have said they will still help their child financially just perhaps not to the full extent they had been.
Previous posters have talked about having been made redundant during the pandemic and only recently getting a job and having debts to repay. Their circumstances have changed but the parental contribution doesn't take that into account.

On a separate matter, I'd be interested to know what happens if you have one child who goes to university and one who doesn't. Would you give them a 'parental contribution' even though they don't have a course to pay for? It seems unfair if you don't yet unnecessary at the same time.[/quote]
Exactly. MANY people (just not on MN!) just aren't able to save to fund their kids in uni. MANY feel aggrieved that we seem to have moved to a US way of funding college where really only the wealthy have a 'college fund'.

Lots of us don't have that luxury and to be honest I don't feel guilty about it. I worked part time through uni and worked my hardest to get a good degree because I realised that I would get one shot at it. I didn't resent my parents at all for not being able to fund me. I had lots of friends there who as mature students were putting themselves through uni. We were all good.

The OP's dc will be fine. They have loads of cash and supportive parents and a massive head start in life.

frowdow · 19/02/2022 16:32

@trippinglyonthetongue I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if it has been mentioned already, but please don't let your children pay for their university fees up front - that would be a terrible financial decision. They should take out the student 'loan' because the likelihood is that they will never have to pay it back in full. Please read Martin Lewis' (Money Saving Expert) on this: www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/should-i-get-student-loan/

Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 16:40

* He’s a great role model for his kids, isn’t he? No ambition, refuses to try for promotion, doesn’t pull his weight financially*

@Blossomtoes

I’ve read he earns less than the op
But does she clarify this as well?

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 16:41

@Toanewstart23

* He’s a great role model for his kids, isn’t he? No ambition, refuses to try for promotion, doesn’t pull his weight financially*

@Blossomtoes

I’ve read he earns less than the op
But does she clarify this as well?

Yes, she does. If you just look at her posts you’ll see.
Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 16:42

I’ve looked
I can see no such description

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 16:44

@Toanewstart23

I’ve looked I can see no such description
She said in her last post

Well, he does. I thought I made clear that he/we made a decision years ago that he would essentially coast at work and wouldn't try to progress or get involved in 'all that bullshit' , as he put it. He's very laid back and just not driven, which worked well while I was. Now less so.

Toanewstart23 · 19/02/2022 17:00

To be fair
They both made a decision to not be driven
The OP also

And then she changed. He didn’t.
If she’d never have changed her own stance then they never would been able to contribute in the first place

Rod. Ownback!

WhatsitallaboutAlfie1 · 19/02/2022 17:43

OP - I think you are being perfectly reasonable, not least because you cannot put a price on your own health. I also think that a child who effectively chips in and invests savings/inheritance in their own higher education might take it a lot more seriously and be motivated to do very well. The parental fund you have been providing is not infinite. Maybe you were paying school fees too? I also agree with the mumsnetter who says there’s no guarantee a child wouldn’t burn through the inheritance rather than invest it in a house deposit. If they don’t want to spend the cash on uni, they will be far more likely to get paid work during the uni hols so they don’t have to dip too deep into their inheritance. If it’s your cash they are burning, there’s gonna be way less self control.

Blossomtoes · 19/02/2022 18:58

Rod. Ownback!

Absolutely but now she has the chance to stop beating herself! If he wants the legacies to remain untouched, he should take over the subsidy.

Imdonna · 19/02/2022 19:13

Op can go PT anytime she wants, if the o ly reason she is working FT is to help the kids with uni.

With her working PT, they will get more student finance, which is better than using the Inheritence. She could have done this at any point. They may need to use a very small amount to top up a shortfall.

If her going PT doesn't improve their student finance amount, then she earns a alot of money and would be in the same category of 'not needing' the Inheritence that she put her husband siblings in. Which would then make sense as to why, mil left it to the GC.

HopefulRose · 19/02/2022 19:13

@trippinglyonthetongue you are being unreasonable. Your children's generation are screwed and they will be working into their 80s. It's your husband's inheritance from his side of the family so let him make the call. The sensible thing is to invest in property and support your kids through uni or encourage them straight into work.