AIBU to not sell my old flat?

[baconroll12]

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

If he's anything like my ex, the pressure is because he's planning to leave and wants a larger share of money to do so with, but knows without marriage, he's going to have to coerce you into turning the asset into cash (or a larger house with 50/50 ownership) so he can force a sale in about 3-6 months.

You need to kick him into touch.

YANBU x 100 and if for some reason you marry him remember to re make your will

Do what Hank says. Also perhaps have a written cohabitation agreement with your live in boyfriend in your other jointly owned property too and as someone else said above make sure your partner does not pay towards your original flat or he might claim a share. It is vital the friend has a written agreement and no understanding you are giving her the property as that is another legal trap for you there too. That friend helped you do it up so might herself claim rights in it if you are not careful. perhaps see a solicitor for some advice on all this.

It's not his fucking flat, the greedy bastard.
& worse than greedy, he has the temerity to DARVO you by attributing false motivations to your reasons for doing what you want with your own property:
It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

That is so breathtakingly venal I really hope you do leave him OP.
He's told you who he is.
Someone who is prepared to browbeat a woman to get his paws on her assets (oo-er missus).
His reasoning process is like a villain in a gothic novel. How can you look at him, when he is so transparently grasping?

DP you say?
No way on earth I'd sell the flat. It's your security if things go pear shaped.
I know she's your friend but I would up the rent a little if she's paying so much below the market rate.

Aw that’s so nice your little flat is cared for and a lovely home for your dear friend and god daughter
I’ll bet she would have struggled to find somewhere nice to live!
The only set up id change is :if you later have your own DC
Moneys not everything: you must be doing ok if you have another mortgage and the flats not going anywhere- it’s literally money, sat waiting if needed.
If DP brings it up again, shut him down immediately

Hopefully your friend will meet another partner , get married, buy their own home

@TheHoptimist

It you must pay income tax on the rent. It must be costing you every month to have her living there? Plus btl mortgages are generally more expensive

Just because she's not charging the new local market rent doesn't mean she's out of pocket. It's very possible that the rent covers all of the expenses.

I match social rent with my flat - I'm still not out of pocket every month (or year).

@EmmaH2022

What does Becca say
About him coercing you
To sell your asset?

He's not coercing

Being a PITA sure, but no coercion is happening.

Give her a break, it's a haiku!

Hmm he wants you to sell it because otherwise he'll never see any benefit from it, with it left to your god-daughter. He's hoping if you fell it your legacy to her ends as well.

It's an asset, Bank interest can't match that. It's none of his business what you do with your money.

I would increase the rent though

The red flag for me is that DP doesn't appear to be taking this attitude to his own assets: OP says his savings are nothing to do with her.

I could understand it if he wanted them both to put everything in the pot to buy a bigger home, for example. Then it would at least be a valid discussion to have. That doesn't seem to be what's happening here and it would concern me. Either the finances are shared or they are not.

You say - I'm not selling my flat. Stop asking me.

I would not be impressed with his attitude. So grabby.

It's so unattractive of him to be so grabby

I was in exactly the same situation as you, I had a nice flat in a "rough" part of London that became much nicer. An old friend of mine rented it when I went abroad with DH (for his job), it's been nice to have the income when I became a SAHM for a bit, and my friend paid £600, whilst market rate was about 1k, but for that I got peace of mind, and she looked after it really well, even painted it inside and kept on top of low key maintenance

Once she moved out, I rented it through an estate agent. Yes more money, also more aggro and issues, stress.

I now have it as my "pension", DH has a good work pension built up but mine is patchy as have been abroad 10yrs and also sahm'd a few years.

The difference with your situation is that DH is happy for me to do with the flat what I like, he sees it as not his business. Even though it is, in a way, as we are married

But alarm bells are ringing a bit with this guy OP, be very very careful

@Nothingfree

Yanbu, grabby comes to mind with him.

this

Just catching up:

He wants the money to make home improvements but with the view that it’ll make our property worth more. And he’s never suggested using any of his savings for this.

It’s me that has said in this thread that his savings are none of my business, he hasn’t said it to me.

We’ve owned our house together for 3 years but been together for 7.

He’s not mean with money in general but he is greedy. He will spend but always has his eye on the next thing.

We’re not planning on having children.

Mortgage payment comes out of my account and her payment goes into my account.

Becca doesn’t know that the flat has been left to her DD and I have never told her about DP’s interest in the flat. I wouldn’t want her to think for a second that her home was insecure. We do have a proper tenancy agreement in place. The rent does cover all of the outgoings.

I dont like the way hes trying to guilt you into selling it-hanging on to your single life by owning a flat?

You sound like a good friend op and hes just after your money thats how i see it anyway

Keep things as they are x no doubt your friend will be taking good care of it and she’ll probably be more like a sister to you. I’d keep the flat for my retirement fund and I’d keep your fellas grubby little mits off!

@baconroll12

Just catching up:

He wants the money to make home improvements but with the view that it’ll make our property worth more. And he’s never suggested using any of his savings for this.

It’s me that has said in this thread that his savings are none of my business, he hasn’t said it to me.

We’ve owned our house together for 3 years but been together for 7.

He’s not mean with money in general but he is greedy. He will spend but always has his eye on the next thing.

We’re not planning on having children.

Mortgage payment comes out of my account and her payment goes into my account.

Becca doesn’t know that the flat has been left to her DD and I have never told her about DP’s interest in the flat. I wouldn’t want her to think for a second that her home was insecure. We do have a proper tenancy agreement in place. The rent does cover all of the outgoings.

What do you think would happen if you suggested using his savings to fund the home improvements, or at least to go 50/50?

Being greedy with someone else’s money is… not an attractive quality. Sorry OP.

Not much else to add that hasn’t been said already - it’s your flat, your decision, yes you could try to raise rent with your friend but you don’t want to (and that’s entirely your decision. I also expect having your friend as a tenant is a lot less hassle than having to manage a series of changing tenants).

@baconroll12

Just catching up:

He wants the money to make home improvements but with the view that it’ll make our property worth more. And he’s never suggested using any of his savings for this.

It’s me that has said in this thread that his savings are none of my business, he hasn’t said it to me.

We’ve owned our house together for 3 years but been together for 7.

He’s not mean with money in general but he is greedy. He will spend but always has his eye on the next thing.

We’re not planning on having children.

Mortgage payment comes out of my account and her payment goes into my account.

Becca doesn’t know that the flat has been left to her DD and I have never told her about DP’s interest in the flat. I wouldn’t want her to think for a second that her home was insecure. We do have a proper tenancy agreement in place. The rent does cover all of the outgoings.

If you want to make improvements to the house you own together, as unmarried co-owners that cost should absolutely be split 50-50. So I guess the question is, can you agree on the improvements you'd like to make? And can you both provide half the cost?

Selling the flat is a red herring here really as no way should you be selling your sole asset to improve the value of a joint asset while he sits on his cash!!

The emotional pressure to sell the flat is a different question. Maybe he does feel like you're keeping it as a back up plan. There's nothing wrong with that of course!! He lived at home til he was 31, it sounds like he had parental stability to fall back on which is a back up plan of a different kind. You're both entitled to one, don't let him take yours away.

I was going to say, that maybe your partner is worried your friend is taking advantage of you. I would have expected rent to go up over 5 years. Depending on her financial circumstances maybe she should be paying more, I'd be a bit concerned about joining finances with a partner who was effectively long term bankrolling a friend.

However then I read this part 'It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.' That is nothing to do with being concerned you're being taken advantage of, that's weird, controlling and really emotionally manipulative

Ignore him and don't give in to the pressure to sell or up her rent.

Legally where does the will stand if you and your partner were to get married in the future? I don't think I would marry him tbh.

Don’t sell the flat

He wants the money to make home improvements but with the view that it’ll make our property worth more. And he’s never suggested using any of his savings for this

Worth more for when he forces a sale.

We’re not planning on having children

So he knows that he has a fairly good chance of getting a full 50% of what would be purely down to you.

He's playing a long game here. Hence the implications that you might sleep around because you own another property/if you were really serious about your relationship, you'd give him your money and escape from him put everything you had into your joint property.