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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not sell my old flat?

492 replies

baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 10:41

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

OP posts:
DonGray · 18/02/2022 12:42

YANBU

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/02/2022 12:43

He has some savings but they're none of my business.

If his savings are none of your business then your flat is none of his.

I really don't like his attitude one bit. Agree with pp about emotional blackmail. What are your long term plans with this man? Are you hoping to marry him, have children, what? Because I wouldn't trust him to support you fairly while you are caring for a child.

NoNameNoGane · 18/02/2022 12:44

Definitely don't sell the flat!
I think you are doing the right thing supporting your friend in her hour of need and it sounds like the pair of you have supported each other over many years. Long may that friendship last.
Is there a long term plan though? Is your friend able to save money for her own place because of the lower rent? Or are you happy for her to live there forever at a reduced rent? I man not passing an opinion either way but just curious as to whether it's been discussed.
We pay around a third of the current rental rate in our area because we rent from an elderly relative. We support her in lots of ways and it's all amicable. The plan is that we stay in the property until she passes away (hopefully not soon!) and then we inherit a different property. We're settled and have been living in the place for over 10 years. Rents in the area have increased massively during this time. It's a constant worry that we will have to move out for some reason and we won't be able to afford anything within a 20 mile radius. I would hate for your friend to be in this position or similar if a time comes that you need the flag for something and she has to leave.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 18/02/2022 12:45

OP: does the mortgage payment go out if your joint account? Does her rent go into that account?

I strongly advise you to pay and receive all monies to do with the flat from your sole bank account. Having mortgage payments go out of your joint account could well give him rights over it!

A PP asked a good question about what assets that he contributed to demonstrate his commitment….

haismfh · 18/02/2022 12:45

If Becca doesn't know that you have left the flat to your goddaughter in your will, please don't tell her.
You might have children of your own in the future and want to change the will to ensure they receive something. Then you'll have the issue of having to tell Becca and her daughter that she won't be inheriting a flat after all but will receive something else instead (money, jewellery, whatever).
20 years ago I had only my godson named in my will. He never knew. I rewrote my will for various reasons last year and he will now inherit a third along with two other people who I have decide to include.
It's better that people don't know if they are to inherit because things can change in a moment for a myriad of reasons.

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 12:47

YANBU

If HE was fully committed to your relationship he would respect your autonomy and be very glad you have that longterm security of an excellent investment that will continue to provide an income whatever happens to either of you ( health, jobs).

Becky may not pay full market rent but having a totally reliable, trusted tenant invested in caring for the property the way you want, is pure gold for any landlord.

RTHJ14 · 18/02/2022 12:47

YANBU.. most definitely keep it.. it’s your asset. If Becca moves out then you can look to rent at a market rate.

We’ve been married for 17 years and I still own my single girl flat… it’s an investment for the kids now but my DH has never seen it as anything to do with him.

ChaToilLeam · 18/02/2022 12:47

YANBU. It is your flat, end of story.

And all this would make me really think twice about him. His entitlement and lack of understanding of your loyalty and care for your friend are alarming. You clearly have very different values.

TakeMe2Insanity · 18/02/2022 12:48

Keep the flat definitely. Up the rent when you are ready definitely.

I’d be looking at my husband in a new light and reassessing things with him.

DomPom47 · 18/02/2022 12:48

YANBU
I would say to him that you do not want to discuss the flat with him - he should not be putting any form of pressure on you. He has said his piece and you have said yours and he needs to drop it now.

DePfeffoff · 18/02/2022 12:49

If he's got such plans about what you (plural) could do with the flat proceeds, how come he isn't already using his savings towards realising those plans?

bevelino · 18/02/2022 12:50

@Pinkpantslady

Do not sell this flat! Do you think he would do the same if you asked him ? Keep this as your own security . Honestly ! I am screaming at you. Be a strong woman . He doesn’t control you. Set the president .

My ex OH would say things like ‘ that reminds me of your si me days !’ Absolute crap ! Well done you for an Incredible property renovation.

This

I had a beautiful flat that I lived in when single and my dh persuaded me to sell it and to this day I regret it.

phishy · 18/02/2022 12:51

@bevelino what happened?

SoupDragon · 18/02/2022 12:53

He has some savings but they're none of my business.

And yet he thinks the "savings" you have in the form of this flat are his business?

Absolutely don't sell it.

BellatrixOnABadDay · 18/02/2022 12:54

OP do not sell your flat! I've not have time to RTFT but my biggest regret in life is selling my flat to be with my ex- I should have kept hold of it.

I don't know if it's been said but I would take legal advice on your finances and where you both stand if you were to split up.

I would honestly be reconsidering the relationship.

haikyew · 18/02/2022 12:54

What does Becca say
About him coercing you
To sell your asset?

Sally872 · 18/02/2022 12:55

I suppose it isn't an unreasonable suggestion but I would prioritise friend and God daughter as well as the comfort of having good tenants.

I think your dh is extremely unreasonable to try and make you feel you keeping it is to do with memories of your "wild days" (ffs) to try and guilt you into selling it to show you are past that. That is so obviously untrue you're keeping it as an investment and to help a friend so he is actually lying to try and make you sell. That's what I would be most annoyed about.

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 12:56

@haikyew

What does Becca say About him coercing you To sell your asset?
He's not coercing

Being a PITA sure, but no coercion is happening.

TheHoptimist · 18/02/2022 12:56

It you must pay income tax on the rent. It must be costing you every month to have her living there? Plus btl mortgages are generally more expensive

PearlclutchersInc · 18/02/2022 12:58

YANBU and consider getting rid of the financially greedy person, that sounds worrying.

Alrightqueenie · 18/02/2022 13:00

Are you married? If your not married then don't marry him & see a solicitor about ING fencing your assets water tight against this gold digger.

Alrightqueenie · 18/02/2022 13:01

Ring fencing

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2022 13:01

You tell him the flat is your pension and its staying that way. Just make sure you have a proper tenancy agreement and despoit in scheme to protect you and your friend. Also make sure you have landlord insurance and a slush fund for repairs and replacing items like carpets.

Since you left flat to God daughter you may want to look at a policy that pays off the mortagen if you die - not one that pays out to dp

SoupDragon · 18/02/2022 13:02

@TheHoptimist

It you must pay income tax on the rent. It must be costing you every month to have her living there? Plus btl mortgages are generally more expensive
Or, the net amount she receives covers the mortgage.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/02/2022 13:04

As much as he sounds like an arse, I do have some reservations about the situation.

If the rent is so far below market rate, then your friend is getting used to being subsidised by you. In the short term this was kind, but in the longer term I think it would be wiser to have a plan to ease her into really supporting herself and her daughter.

You mention that your will currently leaves the flat to your godchild. What if you have children? What if your friend has more children?

I would have concerns if I my DP had a flat which he was giving to a friend on a nominal rent for the foreseeable future. It's not that I would be after the money, but it seems... careless and not thought through.

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