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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not sell my old flat?

492 replies

baconroll12 · 18/02/2022 10:41

12 years ago when I was single I bought a gorgeous old 2 bedroom flat that was a bit rundown in a not so nice area. I flatshared with my best friend (lets call her Becca) for most of the time I lived there and we tried our hand at some DIY/restoration and had the place looking incredible.

My DP and I bought a house 3 years ago and before that he lived with his parents. We're not married and we have a joint bank account that all bills come out of with our own separate savings and current accounts.

Becca and her DH split a few years ago in pretty awful circumstances and her and my goddaughter (4) moved back into my flat. The rent is the same as it was when we lived together.

My DP has become quite fixated on this flat. The run down area has now been fully gentrified and is one of the top places to live in the area. He told me that the going rate for rent is now 5 x what Becca pays. He's also looked into recently sold prices and told me what 'we' could do with the money if I sold the flat now. DP has a lot of excellent qualities but he is extremely greedy when it comes to money.

It's become a really touchy subject for us and he keeps saying that I want to keep the flat because it reminds me of my 'wild single days' and that I'm not fully committed to the relationship until I let go of the flat.

YABU- sell the flat
YANBU- keep the flat as you'll need it when you leave him (said in slight jest)

OP posts:
godmum56 · 18/02/2022 12:20

oh and YANBU and not said in jest

Gonnagetgoing · 18/02/2022 12:20

It's a pity he didn't show his true colours before you bought a property together.

Having worked in solicitors where these issues sometimes came up I'd be saying to run a mile.

If you ever get married and have kids 99.9% he'll be financially abusive and/or want a share of your flat. It is highly unlikely he will change.

It is your asset not his and you should choose what to do with it, not him, though as others have said, you're being very generous letting your friend and GD live there at a reduced rent and leaving flat to GD in your will.

Gonnagetgoing · 18/02/2022 12:21

@godmum56

"DP has lots of excellent qualities but he's extremely greedy when it comes to money"

Wips out all the other ?excellent qualities IMO Greed of any kind is MOST unnattractive.

@godmum56 - but attitudes towards money can change over time. Greed and ungenerosity isn't nice but characters re this can change if people mature.
MargotEmin · 18/02/2022 12:21

If my partner had a solid little asset, that was going up in value, where the mortgage was covered and they had a wonderful tenant/ friend who they love and care for, I would be SO proud of them.

Find yourself someone who is proud of you OP.

nettie434 · 18/02/2022 12:22

YANBU - it's your decision to sell/not sell the flat. I think you are doing a very good thing for your friend and your goddaughter.

godmum56 · 18/02/2022 12:22

@Thewindwhispers

I’m kinda with DH actually, I don’t see the point in owning the flat if it isn’t bringing in market rent. He isn’t being greedy he’s pointing out that this makes no sense.

You’ve been incredibly kind to Becca but you are not responsible for her and are massively subsidising her and your god-daughter, which is very kind of you if you are wealthy and mortgage free. But if you aren’t mortgage free, then you are paying interest on money to own your own house, while also subsidising Becca. Even if you are mortgage free, the money you use to subsidise Becca could be making a profit if you invested it differently.

If you’re married and have joint assets then throwing money away is annoying to your spouse.

Why not raise the rent to something nearer market value?

but they aren't married and don't have joint assets
Pinkpantslady · 18/02/2022 12:22

Do not sell this flat!
Do you think he would do the same if you asked him ? Keep this as your own security . Honestly ! I am screaming at you. Be a strong woman . He doesn’t control you. Set the president .

My ex OH would say things like ‘ that reminds me of your si me days !’ Absolute crap ! Well done you for an Incredible property renovation.

MazzleDazzle · 18/02/2022 12:24

@godmum56

"DP has lots of excellent qualities but he's extremely greedy when it comes to money"

Wips out all the other ?excellent qualities IMO Greed of any kind is MOST unnattractive.

And in my experience greed ALWAYS gets worse with age, never better.

Do you think it’s the power/control that he wants as much as the money? Sounds like he doesn’t like you having the upper hand ie you have a second property, he doesn’t.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/02/2022 12:24

YANBU it’s none of his business, find a way to protect your flat if you ever decided to marry him

frazzledasarock · 18/02/2022 12:24

@Movinghouseatlast

I have a bit of a different perspective on this. If you are a commited couple then decisions like this can be shared in my view. My partner kept his old flat for many years while we lived in a tiny house that was a bit of a pain due to its size - I loved the house but it really needed an extension which we couldn't afford. I felt our life as a couple was compromised and it led to a bit of resentment on my part. Keeping everything so separate in a partnership is pointless I think. My partner lost his job 10 years ago, and I supported him for 3 years because we are life partners who share everything. If you take separate finances to its logical conclusion then he should now owe me about 60 grand. What would I do with that that didn't include him? We have separate bank accounts but I do see his flat ( he still has it!) as partly mine, and the rent we get for it is spent by both of us- we use it to pay our mortgage.
OP’s situation is different though.

The finances appear to only be flowing from one side, hers. Her partner has savings which she had nothing to do with.

They’re not struggling financially. And it doesn’t sound like they need to upsize.

Without OP the partner would be living with his parents. He’s getting more than enough of a financial advantage by being with OP, without decimating and spending her hard earned accumulated asset, which she’s had for a long time in exchange for a relatively short relationship.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was pressuring to spend my money.

Pinkpantslady · 18/02/2022 12:25

@LightfoldEngines

Cheeky twat, thinks he’s entitled to a flat you bought years before you even met him?! Even more so when you have your best friend who is a single mother living there.

If he didn’t STFU about this I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship because he’s got red flags all over him.

I fully agree with this ! Im sorry but when you read this as an outsider - the bloke sounds like a selfish , greedy man!
Closetbeanmuncher · 18/02/2022 12:26

he talks a lot about what he perceives other people to have and seems quite jealous

Bitter, grabby and manipulative to boot

Remind us all what you see in this guy?? I would be completely turned off by the jealousy and manipulative comments alone, nevermind him trying to get his filthy hooks into YOUR assets.

Don't under any circumstances sell, I would also be having a serious think about the relationship as he sounds quite vile.

Stand your ground.

Southbucksldn · 18/02/2022 12:26

Don’t sell the flat abs don’t up the rent
And get rid of your joint account
He doesn’t sound great actually
It isn’t his asset anyway and you aren’t married….I’d keep it for your future children.

godmum56 · 18/02/2022 12:27

@Gonnagetgoing
"godmum56
"DP has lots of excellent qualities but he's extremely greedy when it comes to money"

Wips out all the other ?excellent qualities IMO Greed of any kind is MOST unnattractive.

"@godmum56 - but attitudes towards money can change over time. Greed and ungenerosity isn't nice but characters re this can change if people mature."

well at least you said if and not when..... The OP has known him at least three years and she still calles him "extremely greedy" I'd say that the4 chances of change now are slim and none.

haismfh · 18/02/2022 12:29

Keep the flat.
It's none of his business.
You purchased the flat before you got together with him. He has made no contribution to it whatsoever and therefore what you choose to do with it has nothing to do with him.
If you were struggling for money, due to a job loss, ill-health, whatever, and were not able to contribute fairly to your joint home with DP meaning that you as a couple were in financial difficulties, then perhaps he might have a point as by increasing the rent you could use the rent money to contribute towards the bills. However, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I think he doesn't like you being financially independent and saving the rent money somewhere which means you are not reliant on him and could leave him at any time. Please keep your financial independence.

I also don't like the way he seems to have his eyes on the flat and the money. He's already spent it and it isn't his money.
He's being manipulative too by saying you're not fully committed until you let go of the flat.

Don't marry him. Keep your financial independence. You might need it in the future.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/02/2022 12:30

Also kudos to you for helping out your mate, us single mums salute you ❤️💎👑

haismfh · 18/02/2022 12:31

If and when "Becca" doesn't want to live there any more (buys own place, needs a bigger property, moves in with someone else) you can then rent the place out at market value.

babyjellyfish · 18/02/2022 12:32

@Movinghouseatlast

I have a bit of a different perspective on this. If you are a commited couple then decisions like this can be shared in my view. My partner kept his old flat for many years while we lived in a tiny house that was a bit of a pain due to its size - I loved the house but it really needed an extension which we couldn't afford. I felt our life as a couple was compromised and it led to a bit of resentment on my part. Keeping everything so separate in a partnership is pointless I think. My partner lost his job 10 years ago, and I supported him for 3 years because we are life partners who share everything. If you take separate finances to its logical conclusion then he should now owe me about 60 grand. What would I do with that that didn't include him? We have separate bank accounts but I do see his flat ( he still has it!) as partly mine, and the rent we get for it is spent by both of us- we use it to pay our mortgage.
If you and your partner aren't married then his flat isn't partly yours, it's his.

If you split up tomorrow you would have no claim on it, despite the fact that you financially supported your partner for three years.

TracyMosby · 18/02/2022 12:32

Do not sell the flat!!!

Talk4000 · 18/02/2022 12:33

He's got his eye on it. Be careful. You may need it in the future to escape to.

Always trust your instinct. I wish I had.

DorothyCotton · 18/02/2022 12:35

Keep the flat. Just absolutely keep it. Don't let him bully you into getting rid of it.

I was in your position 5 years ago. I'm now safe back in my flat with my DS. Thank fuck I kept it.

eldora · 18/02/2022 12:37

I didn't want to put this in my OP as I didn't know how this thread would go down but the flat is left to my goddaughter in my will.

Do you plan to have kids of your own? I wouldn't mention this to Becca, as you know what can happen in life.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 12:37

This is your pension/nest egg, whatever. Why would you sell or kick out your mate to charge more rent? I think he’s very shortsighted to want it sold, not to mention grabby. You aren’t married so he’d get nothing anyway. Don’t marry him!

viques · 18/02/2022 12:38

You sell the flat

You pay agents fees
Solicitors fees
Possible early redemption charge on the mortgage
Capital gains tax -second property
A woman and her child lose their security and are thrown to the private renting wolves with the rental insecurity/ indifferent landlords/ horrible neighbours / regular upheaval that can entail.

You then have a huge chunk of money and need to find somewhere that will pay you more than 0.05 % interest.( Or a huge chunk of money to let your OH fritter away.)

Or keep the flat

Your asset continues to grow , faster than any savings or investment account
You have access to a mortgage in your own name, useful if you wanted to extend the mortgage for any reason
A woman and her child have security

TedMullins · 18/02/2022 12:38

Not everyone sees houses and flats as money making assets. they are HOMES first and foremost. Becca and her daughter live there because it's their home. If I was you OP I'd be doing exactly the same and I agree with everything you've said about not raising the rent, and leaving it to your goddaughter. I own my flat and if I was in a position to let it cheaply to a friend if they needed it and I moved out I'd absolutely do the same. I don't believe homes should be profit-making assets anyway, and someone with your P's attitude would really make me think less of them because it goes completely against my morals and ideologies. I would definitely keep the flat and ditch the partner.

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