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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:

StScholastica · 18/02/2022 09:11

I totally agree with StarsandWishes and we are in the process of planning our retirement move after years of living in a sensible commuter town for the sake of the DCs education/friends.

You only live once and we are acutely aware that we don't have another 50 years. Am determined to enjoy ourselves.

Staryflight445 · 18/02/2022 09:14

‘ We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.’

I lost both my parents before the age of 28. One of them never got the chance to meet my children.
God you both need to knock your heads together and stop being so pathetic.
It’s 3 hours away, you selfish gits.

Stokey · 18/02/2022 09:15

I don't like the assumption that you can't have a close relationship with your grandchildren if you don't live close to them. My DM lives in Australia and totally adores her dgc, speaks to them every week and messages them in between and is involved in their lives despite not seeing them often. DMIL lives 3 hours away and also has a lovely relationship with dgc. We visit several times a year and speak regularly.

Unsure33 · 18/02/2022 09:18

I totally understand what people are saying and they think the OP is being unreasonable. But we have been on the other side of this and my OH was very upset when his parents did this and they had 8 grandchildren in the area they moved from . And it’s not easy .

It was never the same as them being down the road and popping in for tea.

We could move now and be better off and be in the lovely costal areas , but we decided not to . And unless something drastic changes we wont move away from family because of how it affected all of us.

Varmak · 18/02/2022 09:21

Late 50s! If they're lucky enough to retire this young why shouldn't they move to an area they love. They do not sound selfish ..if taking elderly mother with them. They are only 3 hours away. You can see most weekends. Spend quality time together. They do not owe you any child care. This is exactly what I would do ( in only 10 years if I could)

Autumndays123 · 18/02/2022 09:21

OP, both you and your husband are coming across as some of the most entitled and self-absorbed people I have ever met. Just flabbergasted

RedToothBrush · 18/02/2022 09:25

If you think they are 'abandoning' you, then I would suggest that you are perhaps too reliant on them, and that might be part of the reason they are moving when they already have the responsibility of granny to think about.

It shouldn't be that much of a drama.

Cuck00soup · 18/02/2022 09:26

DH and I are early fifties. Classic sandwich generation. We have a teen at home and two adult DC living close by. We have supported my parents whilst raising our young children and are currently supporting MIL in what we know are the last months of her life.

We also live in the South East, so despite earning well, we don’t have the disposable income we would like.

Once our youngest child goes to Uni we plan to move. Our DC know this and are on board. They understand that we have done our best for them, but want to be able to live our own lives when we can.

Prescottdanni123 · 18/02/2022 09:28

Gentle YABU. If my parents moved 3 hours away from me, I would miss not being able to see them every week, but I would not take it personally. If this new move to a new area was going to make them happy then I would be very happy for them. Three hours isn't that far, not that distance between relatives is an indicator of how much they love each other anyway.

justmaybenot · 18/02/2022 09:29

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones but they are the younger generation to the 85 year old grandmother. Be happy for them that they're in good health, have each other and will be living somewhere that they will enjoy. It's their life. Just make sure they're always welcome to visit and your children can continue to have a relationship with them.

sarah13xx · 18/02/2022 09:30

This is almost exactly what my in laws have done too! It happened a couple of years ago to an area that there is absolutely no reason to move to other than they like it, it was a bit random. Less than a year after they moved we had a baby, mine aren’t quite as far away as yours but over an hours drive when they were 5 minutes before. After the baby was born they came and sat for 4 hours wanting to pass him round and round the living room. I felt really uncomfortable, emotional and sore and really just wanted my bed but it was as if because they’d made the journey they were getting their money’s worth. When they left I said to DH that was far too long, I then ended up going backwards in my recovery the next day and feeling really unwell because I should really have been lying in bed. I really grudged the fact they did that and they made a few comments about the fact they were coming to see the baby not me when my husband had said I wasn’t really up to visitors yet before they came 😑 They did this again a week later but since he’s got a bit bigger it’s like the novelty has worn off. We haven’t seen them in over a month and they’ve never offered to help with anything despite the fact they know I’m trying to juggle a baby, walking the dog, running a business etc by myself during the week. The last time they came to visit my mum was there too. She helps us out an awful lot and just lives 5 minutes from us. My MIL got a dig in to my mum about the fact they don’t see our little boy 🤔 Even my mum was irritated by this because she knows how much she does to help when they do absolutely nothing and make no effort to come to see us unless there’s something in it for them. Since this comment funnily enough they haven’t made any effort either 🙄 Now I have a child the idea of moving away from him/his family when I’m older just completely baffles me, I don’t get it at all

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2022 09:31

The only thing I’d say is that a guy I knew did this, moved to a rural location, he and his wife are delighted, but he took his elderly mum with them to their annexe and she promptly moved back! She missed her mates and being able to walk to the shops.

gingerhills · 18/02/2022 09:32

@Cuck00soup

We also live in the South East, so despite earning well, we don’t have the disposable income we would like.

Once our youngest child goes to Uni we plan to move. Our DC know this and are on board. They understand that we have done our best for them, but want to be able to live our own lives when we can.

This is a really good point. If they are helping out the generation above them, they will have limited energy but also money. A lot of Southerners have to move North to release capital to live on.

Calennig · 18/02/2022 09:33

My parents talked of moving before grandchildren and after they'd done all the care for their parents. Mum always wanted to live by the sea- then sibling became a single parent and they stayed.

Now they dont' see that GC as a teen - or that sibling - are very distant with ours kids who they never made time for - and feel to old to move despite being somewhere with few services and tehy've never really liked.

My IL live over 3 hours away and they visit regularly and phone regularly they have a close relationship with our children.

I get why it may be an initial shock but frankly beyond that I do think this is very selfish post.

SpilltheTea · 18/02/2022 09:37

They would have factored you all in, but as surprising as this may be, their lives don't revolve around you.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 18/02/2022 09:41

Sarah13xx you and your really need to put some boundaries down now or it will get worse
Have a serious chat wi th your dh how you will tackle them going forward
Your dh really should have said right Sarah’s had enough now she need to recover
And you need to come up with a plan together how to manage them next time

joliefolle · 18/02/2022 09:41

Even if people thought you were being reasonable to be so upset that your ILs have not prioritised your needs over theirs, what will that change? Did your DH ask his parents why they hadn't told him at the same time as others?

Phobiaphobic · 18/02/2022 09:44

Jesus Christ, you do realise that older people are not necessarily obsessed with their grandkids, don't you? They want to go off somewhere they love and enjoy their life, not spend the rest of their days babysitting.

forlornlorna · 18/02/2022 09:44

Was talking to my mil recently. They had wanted to travel and possibly move to an area they loved. But they didn't as my sil was quite needy. They'd ended up being almost full time childcare for her, emotional support for years as she went through some stuff. Mil is sad that now our lovely fil is terminally ill that they never got to do the things they wanted to. Fil when he was well liked to travel but mil would refuse in case sil needed them. She's says it's a massive regret.

It's not terribly far away. You'll make it work x

NeedAHoliday2021 · 18/02/2022 09:45

It’s 3 hours away, that’s it. I suppose it’s a change for you and change is always tricky but seriously, 3 hours? We have lovely weekends with parents visiting them and they have dc for a week every summer and another week during one of the half terms. Such a lovely relationship without being on each other’s doorstep. I appreciate my response is affected by having a brother who moved to Canada 12 years ago and I’ve not seen him for 2.5 years due to the pandemic.

whistleryukon · 18/02/2022 09:47

Oh my! You are SO dramatic. No wonder they kept the move a secret for as long as possible. I had to laugh at 'abandoning' though. And the fact that you think the minutiae of your family life should be carefully considered by the in laws when they decide how to live their life 'but the baby doesn't like car journeys'...

PoshWatchShitShoes · 18/02/2022 09:47

Abandonment??! YABU

Redwinestillfine · 18/02/2022 09:49

3 hours away isn't a lot op and doesn't stop them being grandparents, you're being completely unreasonable ( and maybe that's why they left it to the last minute to tell you?)

LillianGish · 18/02/2022 09:53

Classic sandwich generation in a nutshell. I was coming on to say the same. They are far from selfish - they are moving an elderly relative in with them. Three hours is no distance - though I speak as someone who lived across the channel from both its of grandparents when my children were you. Both had an incredibly strong bond with their grandparents - distance did not diminish that one iota. Let them live their lives - visit them, let them visit you, maybe give them a break from time to time and help them care for great granny when the times comes, perhaps your DCs can stay with them for the occasional break if you want a weekend away. Above all , be happy for them in their new adventure - not everything is about you. YABVU.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 18/02/2022 09:54

@peboh

Yabu. They've lived their lives, raised their children to adulthood, now they deserve the chance to do the things they want to do. They aren't abandoning anyone, they're just putting themselves first for once and at their ages they absolutely should do so!

This is exactly what I was about to write!

They've done their bit and by taking Grandma with them they are continuing to look out for the most vulnerable.

I think you're being rathe selfish.

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