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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:

CripinIsCommonAsMuck · 18/02/2022 09:55

Why should they have to be near by just because you have kids? They have lives too

Bullandbush · 18/02/2022 09:56

@forlornlorna

Was talking to my mil recently. They had wanted to travel and possibly move to an area they loved. But they didn't as my sil was quite needy. They'd ended up being almost full time childcare for her, emotional support for years as she went through some stuff. Mil is sad that now our lovely fil is terminally ill that they never got to do the things they wanted to. Fil when he was well liked to travel but mil would refuse in case sil needed them. She's says it's a massive regret.

It's not terribly far away. You'll make it work x

Gosh your poor in-laws.

I have guilty feelings sometimes not being there for my dc and dgc.
Dh doesn’t though.
But then I remember that I raised them to be independent adults and they have jobs and mortgages that they’ve sorted themselves so I’m pretty sure they can navigate life without us.

mowglika · 18/02/2022 09:56

You’re not unreasonable to be upset, can’t believe people are calling you selfish. Your kids will miss out on having grandparents close by, that’s a thing to cherish, and I can’t understand why you have regrets about it.

But on the other hand, your inlaws have spent their life caring for their children and now your mils mother, I think they are within their rights to move somewhere they like and want to spend their retirement in. They should have told your DH before though.

I would focus on seeing them in holidays and Xmas, maintaining your relationship despite the distance.

mowglika · 18/02/2022 09:56

can understand why you have regrets

MissBattleaxe · 18/02/2022 10:00

It just sounds like retirement plans to me. Maybe they're feeling their age and thinking if we don't do it now we never will. You can stay with them and they'll have proper quality time with the GCs. You're making this about you when it's actually about your husband's parents and grandparent.

I'm 52 and I say good for them. Why work all your life if you can't live the dream before you're too old to enjoy it?

Or we were you worried that you'll have to pay for childcare now?

haismfh · 18/02/2022 10:01

I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years

Don't see why they should have to "help out" as grandparents.
YABVU. It's their choice. And you don't know what the reasons behind the move are. Yes, they want to live in a lovely area where they've had a holiday home but perhaps it is financially beneficial and especially as they have their mother with them too and are caring for her. So moving somewhere which is possibly cheaper, selling their property and the mother's property would release funds for a comfortable existence.

It's 3 hours for goodness sake and as they've been driving there regularly to the holiday home they obviously don't see the distance as a problem. They can visit you and you can visit them.

Did you just expect them to stay down the road from you forever so they can "help out" as grandparents?

I've got a lot of friends in their late 50s, a lot of whom are now becoming grandparents for the first time. It's shocking how many of their children expect the parents to "help out" with the grandchildren to varying extents. There's always some kind of childcare issue and most of my friends who are grandparents have one or more children with them all day for at least a couple of days a week. I was talking to friends last night who are worn out - they have 3 grandchildren and they now only have 2 days free a week because the rest of the week there's always at least one grandchild there. And while they love their grandchildren and want to spend time with them they never envisaged this situation.

I think it's selfish to have children and then assume that your parents or in laws will take on childcare or that they should put their lives on hold and not move somewhere they want so they can be near their grandchildren.

Beth13579 · 18/02/2022 10:01

"Selfish" would be leaving granny behind for you to look after

Bogofftosomewherehot · 18/02/2022 10:01

The IL's cannot put their lives on hold because you see difficulties in your kids staying at their house, because your 7 month old doesn't like car journeys, because MiL's brother might become a single parent, because you don't know if they'll stay in a hotel/AirB&B when they visit you, because 85yo won't have visitors when IL's go on holiday.

Just be happy for them. They've raised their kids and want to do something for themselves.

diddl · 18/02/2022 10:04

I think from the dramatic/emotive language that Op uses it's easy to see why they weren't told until they had to be!

Perhaps they are trying to get away as you are (or they feel you are) too reliant on them?

Unmumsymofo · 18/02/2022 10:06

Is it mean though? Surely it’s just give and take in a relationship. If I felt a family member showed no sense of duty or obligation to be involved in my life and caring responsibilities towards me or my family I am not sure I could muster much enthusiasm to do the same for them. Particularly if they had made this logistically more difficult by say, moving 3 hours away..,

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/02/2022 10:10

Its difficult but people have to live their lives
We moved 2 hrs from the place where our eldest 2 grew up when they were 18 and 21. Eldest has ended up living near us. Middle one has stayed put but I know she feels a bit abandoned.
But we felt no ties to the place and had wanted to move for years. Waited until middle one finished school. In some ways I wish we had done it sooner but there was never a right point.

Grasping · 18/02/2022 10:13

YABVU

PeacefulPrune · 18/02/2022 10:16

My parents left the country when I was 18. I'm mid 30s now and I still don't understand it. My worry is that once they need care when they are older they'll come back and I will absolutely resent any help I have to give.

I feel so sorry for my kids. They don't have grandparents nearby to love and care for them.

I can't imagine leaving the country of my children but thats probably because my parents left me. Maybe if they didn't I wouldn't feel so strongly about it.

I know you'll get lots of people comment to say it's their life and it is but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

It probably would help to understand a bit more about why they are moving though as it may give you some perspective.

L0stinCyberspace · 18/02/2022 10:17

It's so sad that you're thinking of the loss of them "helping out" instead of "I'll miss their company". That speaks volumes to me. Sounds like they have enough on their plate already and perhaps you've expected more of them than they are comfortable with. YABVU

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/02/2022 10:22

LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….“

Ridiculous assumption. Last thing we want is our kids looking after us when we’re old.
That’s not why most people have children.

OP. They’ve raised their children - they’re still looking after mother. This is their time. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

barbrahunter · 18/02/2022 10:28

My grandparents moved a few hours away from my family when I was a child. It is only recently that I think that it's possible in part that they moved to 'escape' their son (ie my father) and his young family.
They had only been in their new place a couple of years when dad's father died, leaving his widow alone and knowing no one. She ended up living with my mum and dad.
I'm not sure this story has a particular moral, other than to say that I think there is sometimes an element of some people wanting to 'escape from' their grown up children, and the new life doesn;t always materialise. There does seem to be something a bit callous about upping and leaving one's children and grandchildren. But that's just my opinion.

EmmaH2022 · 18/02/2022 10:29

PeacefulPrune "They don't have grandparents nearby to love and care for them. "

Cuts both ways. I grew up with grandparents in another country. Never met them. As a child I would see friends having to help elderly grandparents or just spend a lot of time with them and was glad it wasn't me.

As an adult caring for mum, I am reminded I didn't any of these duties as a teenager.

Also, OP ILs might be glad they don't feel obliged to do childcare or spend time with the DC when they might not want to.

They've clearly all discussed what they want and that's that.

I admit it would be a bit weird to have parents leave at 18 but free choice is important.

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 10:31

It's not about you. You are not the centre of the universe.

Older generations have their own lives to live and their own dreams to follow.

Now you have a lovely place to take the children for weekends, only three hours away.

justmaybenot · 18/02/2022 10:32

Exactly - the sense of entitlement and self-centredness is really unattractive. Be happy for them, and admire that they're caring for an elderly relative who probably needs them. You don't have the right to expect them to help you if you're solvent and able bodied. Just make the distance work for the sake of your children and husband. And honestly, try to be more generous and positive, you'll be a lot happier.

2bazookas · 18/02/2022 10:37

As for them "abandonning" GMIL when they go on holiday, the solution is for DH and you to go and stay in their empty house at weekends so you can visit her. As you are so family oriented I'm sure you 'll be keen to see her.

MayBMaybenot · 18/02/2022 10:37

TL:DR .... they're not abandoning you, they're living their own lives how they see fit, and. looking after your gran at the same time. Good for them.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2022 10:38

OP I'd be gutted. We pop in and see inlaws every weekend. They pop over during the week. I'd be really upset if they moved 3 hours away.

Stripyhoglets1 · 18/02/2022 10:39

I plan on moving from where we are when I'm older as I have no desire to live where I am for ever. I've stayed as I moved for work then children were settled in schools and I am supporting my parents but its not where I want to be when I retire.
I can see i need to keep making this clear to my children - but they say they won't be staying here either and one is already in a job which means he's likely to settle elsewhere.
We have a longer distance relationship with inlaws and its fine if you take the time to go visit and stay - they end up with just as good a relationship as the ones nearby if they make the effort too.

Angrymum22 · 18/02/2022 10:41

We always lived 3 hrs from grandparents. It didn’t effect our relationship with them. My siblings and I all moved away from home at 18 (university) and settled in different parts of the country. Unfortunately my parents died young but would have been 3 hrs from any grandchildren.
My MIL lives a mile away and has never been a model grandparent, she might as well be 3 hrs away.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/02/2022 10:43

YABU - Grow up - if you have children, presumably you are an adult?
You partners parents have their own lives to lead, and some of that is taken up with caring for an elderly relative - no reason why it should revolve around you.
They probably decided to leave before you try and guilt trip them in to providing free child care.

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