Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

You're being a bit dramatic and selfish OP. They have every right to live wherever they want, as are you. If you're that devastated, then move near them.

The other thing is it’s not always three hours. If it’s a weekend in the summer and you get stuck in traffic it can be 4 or 5 hours . Then you both have to have room for each other to stay comfortably . And be able to afford house guests .

It’s not about having baby sitters it’s about the relationships and it’s never the same .

I can see why you're upset OP but like the majority of posters have said it's completely their right to move to where they want /retire to . Some people just arnt into being in each other's pockets .
I have five retired couples living next to / by me. All moved from several hours away (we live in a desired area by the coast ) . Two of them have been very open (one couple very blunt ) about the fact that they've done their bit of parenting , it's their time now to do what they want. They said they didn't want to be put on for childcare regularly and wanted to see them on their terms a couple of times a year . I was like a bit woah when they told me this but at the same time I thought 'wow fair dos to you being honest '.

But those people who have said that living closeby to family is a bad thing, isn't really fair. How can it be bad to want to be near your family at any stage of life? It's just personal choice.

I grew up in a town with no opportunities, so when I graduated I moved. My friend graduated with a higher degree than me but “had” to remain close to her family. She told me family was a priority. She’s never approved of me moving away and leaving my family but also her, constantly telling me to come home (I lived in my hometown for 18 years, uni for 3 and I’ve been here for nearly 12 years, this place is as much my home now but she can’t see that). She returned to our little town, lived two streets from where she grew up. She can’t drive due to medical reasons so was stuck working in places that she could walk to or catch the bus too. This severely limited her job options but she believed when the economy picked up she’d be top of the pile, forgetting about the thousands of new graduates every year She worked some cash in hand jobs for a while until her health deteriorated too much. She has significant debt. Her family use her for free childcare, despite the fact that she’s too sick to work and nobody does childcare for her but they her children frequently. Family don’t help with her health but “they’re so close”. She is well enough to work from home but was never well enough to travel even into the city for an interview, maybe things will pick up from her with virtual interviews but given she’s been out of work for many years, I don’t know. I really believe that living close to her family has meant she has not been able to explore the opportunities available to her. She’s frustrated with her job situation and has been since she graduated but apparently family was the priority so that’s what she got.

It wasn’t a bad thing for you but it can be a bad thing to stay so firmly rooted by your family.

YANBU to feel the way you do - it shows that you have a close relationship with them and love them very much. That’s a good then. When we feel that way about someone it can be very upsetting when they move away as the result obviously is that you’ll see them less.
Otoh, as someone in her early fifties, DH and I plan to spend a lot of time away when we retire. We’ve spent our entire adult lives working and raising a family, and we want to please ourselves without being tied to an area - esp when it’s perfectly feasible that our adult DC will relocate with work anyway and leave us twiddling our thumbs.

We left our adult dc and moved abroad to live.
I miss our dgs but he's of an age now where he's out with friends and wouldn't be around much anyway.
OP be honest if your inlaws stayed put would you really spend much time with them as the dc get older?
My dc love us but they have busy lives and we don't want to wait around for the odd 2 hours a week that they can spare.
They're not abandoning you, they're proactively living their lives.

I understand why you’d be upset about it but I think you’ll have to keep your views to yourself and wish them well with it.

I would put you and DC first when it comes to bank holiday weekends and Christmas and only go when you want to or you can end up with no time to relax.

@Aquamarine1029

Bloody hell, how self-absorbed can you be? They've raised their kids, they've worked hard, and they want to retire to a place they both love. They have lives, too.

as long as they don't then expect the OP and her other half to travel 3 hours to look after them when they are elderly. It also doesn't seem very sensible to move to a rural/countryside location with a 85 year old!

But at least they will be freeing up some property - 3 households moving into one property.

Please get some perspective OP. My parents were both dead before my son was born. I’d give anything to have them 3, or even 12 hours away.

My husband’s parents live 3 hours away from us (in the town DH grew up; he moved to London for work). They are pretty involved grandparents, especially as there are no grandparents on my side. Yes, the drive can be a bit tedious but we’ve worked out the best time of day to do it to avoid traffic and we all enjoy spending big chunks of time in their company rather than fragments here and there. It’s also great as MIL gets up early with DS (he’s 5) and we get a lie in- wouldn’t get that if we never all stayed overnight in the same house.

Worrying about your grandmother in law is really not your problem when her own daughter has clearly thought this through. And it sounds to me like you’re actually a bit worried that MIL’s brother (your DH’s uncle) will come to seek support from you and your DH when his sister is no longer close by. But that’s fine of course because you firmly believe in local family supporting each other…

YABU, OP. 3 hours is nothing, totally do-able for a weekend visit. Why should they feel obliged to live their life in your pocket just because you decided you have kids? I say this as someone whose parents live on the other side of the world and whose children see their grandparents twice a year at best. FaceTime etc make it possible to have plenty of contact on a regular basis, and you are close enough to still have the privilege of doing things like birthdays and holidays together if you like.

@phishy it's not a blatant lie

He said things he shouldn't have done - that implies that he said things that were upsetting and/or unpleasant.

If I'm wrong, it's because OP wasn't particularly clear. You can be upset without saying upsetting or hurtful things in response.

Your further updates are awful too. You have basically gone on to say that they don't value their family and that your family does.

I'm not a grandma yet but it might only be a decade away. I've got elderly parents and inlaws too - and if we stay here for them, until they're dead and buried, and then stay here for our kids and their future kids, we never get to move to the place we've dreamed of living in for the last thirty years. Is that fair? That we never get to live our dream because other people are counting on us being somewhere else for their own needs?

Because that's what you're asking of your in-laws.

It sounds like they have decided to make a break while they are still young enough to make a life wherever they are going. Good on them.

Perhaps it's part of their financial planning or perhaps it's what they want to do. FWIW I had little help from my mother when the dc were small because she was caring for her mother and that was emotionally debilitating.

Our parents have always been 240 and 100 miles away though. We plan to spend significant time at our home in France in about 5 years - subject to tax and domicile post Brexit.

as long as they don't then expect the OP and her other half to travel 3 hours to look after them when they are elderly.

I don't know why people keep saying this. I don't know anyone who expects their children to look after them in old age. Is it just another one of those MN things?

It also doesn't seem very sensible to move to a rural/countryside location with a 85 year old!

Why not? Millions of elderly people live rurally and manage just fine.

"and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in."

They are three hours away!

What a load of guilt tripping guff!

I think it feels like they're abandoning you, because of how they've done it. You might have felt better, if they told you they were moving from the beginning. It may have given you time to get used to the idea. Perhaps they knew you'd both react badly, and didn't want to be swayed from their decision. I think life's too short, if they want to move away then they should do it. It's not like they have the time or energy to do it after the grandchildren grow up. I think you have to remind yourself that it's not about you and your family, they're doing it for themselves.

Blimey OP, I'm 51 with a young teenager. The idea that I shouldn't live where I like in a few years is depressing. They're still relatively young people and they're caring for an elderly relative. Let them live their lives.

It is strange however that they seem to be doing it in secret.. They knew it would cause upset..
I wonder if they were being used as child care thoughtlessly

They may have anticipated DHs reaction and therefore saved themselves months of this rather than presenting it as a fait accompli. If i thought i was going to have a whiny DS while i was planning a lovely retirement move, I'd do the same.

3 hours really is nothing these days.

You are totally unreasonable..

They are not 'abandoning you', they are making the best decision for themselves and their elderly parent while they are still young enough to relocate.

It is not like they are moving to a different country either...3 hours away is not that big a deal. Yes you will see them less often but you can still visit regularly.

There is no obligation on them to offer free childcare either. It is fairly ridiculous to imply they are leaving to avoid interacting with their grand kids by the way.

Stop making this just about yourself and your needs and try to see it from their point of view.

They probably told you and your husband last because they expected drama...

I can see why you are feeling sad about it but it sounds like you have had more grandparent involvement than a lot of people do, and if they are only in their 50s I don’t blame them for wanting to live in their dream location and prioritise that over your needs. It does sound like they purposely didn’t tell you until last which must feel a bit humiliating, but maybe they knew how you would react! But honestly 3 hours is not really all that far.

They can move wherever they like but I understand why you would be upset. We had to live away from any family due to work and we have recently moved back. Talking to grandparents on the phone and visiting them every so often really is not the same as having a grandparent down the road. My DCs bond with my in laws is definately closer now. My DM has chosen to move to a lovely touristy area and her bond is no where near as good, despite effort being put in to facetime calls, visits etc. Plus it's all very well saying free holidays but having to use all of your annual leave going to the same place for a family visit gets tedious.

But there is nothing you can do OP. My DM has started to worry about getting old now (she moved in her 50s) but she will have to sort out her own care if she stays where she is.

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….

What a horrid little post.

OP, my parents did the same when the DC were little, and I did feel sad. But in fact it has been fine - I had a great place with endless open space and idyllic scenery to take the DC in every school holiday, and we have all made the effort to meet halfwayish at my brother's. When the DC were older, they could go on their own, which gave me a rare bit of time off. DC are all 18+ and all have a great and very special relationship with their grandparents.

@Phyllis321

Blimey OP, I'm 51 with a young teenager. The idea that I shouldn't live where I like in a few years is depressing. They're still relatively young people and they're caring for an elderly relative. Let them live their lives.

Absolutely this!

Also, the number of people saying as long as they don't then expect the OP and her other half to travel 3 hours to look after them when they are elderly This is a couple who are in their 50s! It’s 20+ years before they are “elderly”. Who on earth knows what any of them will be doing then.

I have teenagers. I have spent the last 15 years living somewhere I don’t like so that they can be near their grandparents, and near their friends. When they are adults I am moving to where I want to be! No way will I then be spending another 20 years hanging around for other people.

I don't think that grown up children in their 30s ought to feel 'abandoned'.

These aren't even your own parents- they are in laws.

What right do you have to tell them where to live?

And the reason they are 'unemotional' is probably because they understand that 3 hours is not the end of the world. In reality, it's leaving home at 8am and arriving at 11 am. It's doable for a day, let alone a weekend.

Looking at it the other way, I have friends ( we are middle aged, like your in laws) whose adult children moved to other countries. They clearly were upset, but tried never to show it because they knew that they had to live their own lives.