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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws abandoning us to move away

440 replies

mag2305 · 18/02/2022 00:25

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 18/02/2022 08:01

I think YABU. people have the right to make their own choices and you should never depend on others for your own happiness or expect others to fit in with you. You will still get to see them and they can visit you. Yes you are right their relationship with your dc will be different but it can still be loving.

Libertynan · 18/02/2022 08:02

Bloody hell - I'm dying to move away but still have young unattached adult children to sort out first. If I had to wait around and then look after the grandchildren too I'd never live my life.

OP YABVVVVVU. 3 hours is nothing. Seriously.

My parents moved away - a 2 hour drive. I probably see more of them now than when they lived in the same town as we have to make plans to meet up.

It's their life.

Benjispruce5 · 18/02/2022 08:02

My DC are 21 @18. I really don’t expect them to come and live near us in their home town after university. I want them to spread their wings and not be bound by some duty to us. We have our own plans also.

phishy · 18/02/2022 08:03

@Chestofdraws

This is so very selfish op. Please try to think of them and not make it about you.
Please try to RTFT and not pile on, OP has acknowledged she is being unreasonable.
C8H10N4O2 · 18/02/2022 08:08

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family?

YABU. They have organised their lives around family when raising a child, now you want them to restrict their choices further just to be convenient for you?

They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we do

Yes because obviously those of us for whom this was not an option obviously have broken family relationships and don't value our families Hmm

Heronwatcher · 18/02/2022 08:09

Sorry YABU, your DH in particular sounds like a spoiled teenager. Be happy for them. Research some good accommodation options so you can go and have some lovely holidays and so that they can come to you. In particular if your in laws are looking after elderly parents themselves it sounds as though they have more than enough on their plates. Many many people travel 3 hours very regularly to see family, it’s no big deal. It’s absolutely not fine to make them feel guilty about this.

MzHz · 18/02/2022 08:10

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

OP brace yourself you will get lots of people saying YABU and I do think YABabitU but totally understandably upset. Think of free holidays and it's not that far. I do sympathise though as I would be devastated if my parents decided to leave like that!
I know everyone is saying YABU, but it’s not that simple, your op said you understand they have their lives, but the hurt is all about being excluded from the whole thing until it’s a done deal

I had this with my own mother. She’s told everyone else all about the house, the offer etc etc. I knew they were moving but she said nothing about anything until it was all done.

The hurt I felt was immense. Utterly cut me to the quick. I was winded. I understood about the moving, but not the exclusion from the information that everyone else had. I’m not a drama queen, I’m not one to tantrum etc. honest! Grin

I actually emailed her to ask her why I’d been excluded from knowing about the offer, the house, and even the address for over 2 weeks after she’d moved.

Her reply was “We were never that close.”

Ouch. I can’t tell you the pain. It was utterly devastating.

I have nothing to do with her now. For this and the fact she had some weird thing about my ds. She hurt him physically and then gaslit him. I think she resents me for something, but she’s so far inland in the kingdom of Denial, we’ll never know the truth

Worse is that she goes round telling everyone how much she helped me in this, that and the other, it’s the polar opposite of what she did.

So maybe we weren’t ever that close, but I just didn’t know it.

She won’t be getting any care from me, there are no holidays etc etc, she hasn’t seen my ds for over 8 years. We’re better for to tbh

So yeah, she has her life, can make her decisions but those decisions do have consequences and your in laws could have been more considerate and that’s what hurts

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 18/02/2022 08:10

Just think of all the care responsibilities that are no longer your problem.

Lovemusic33 · 18/02/2022 08:11

Life’s too short, maybe when you get to 50 and realised you’ve lived in the same place all your life you will feel like moving too? You can visit them? They can visit you? They don’t need to be just up the road to have a good relationship with your dc, they just won’t be close by to baby sit.

Darbs76 · 18/02/2022 08:12

Your children can still have a relationship with them from a distance. I moved 4hrs away 20yrs ago and we visit every half term. People are entitled to retire where they like, perhaps they don’t want to babysit etc, but more likely they just want to retire somewhere else

phishy · 18/02/2022 08:12

@MzHz sounds like she was itching to be nasty to you.

How did she react to you going NC?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 18/02/2022 08:12

I know everyone is saying YABU, but it’s not that simple, your op said you understand they have their lives, but the hurt is all about being excluded from the whole thing until it’s a done deal

I expect they were excluded because the in-laws knew how they would react - and OP admits her DH was unpleasant and said some nasty things to his parents.

getsomehelp · 18/02/2022 08:14

It is strange however that they seem to be doing it in secret.. They knew it would cause upset..
I wonder if they were being used as child care thoughtlessly

gingerhills · 18/02/2022 08:14

Yanbu to feel sad. But they anbu to move where they please.

Having said that, they make their choices and live with them. When they are old and frail you will not have the duty of care to them that you'd have if they'd stayed put and helped out with your DC.My parents moved eight hours drive from me and then wondered bwhy I didn't drive up every weekend to help them out as they got old and frail. Er, because I have two kids and would have to take two days off work hjust to get there. They seemed utterly baffled that my life was not at their disposal.

If I was you, I'd be honest about missing them but don't make them feel guilty. Ask if you can come to stay with the kids once a year and invite them to stay with you. bear in mind, though, that if they are caring for an elderly relative, that may not always be possible.

RubyRedNails · 18/02/2022 08:14

My inlaws have dictated where we live our whole married life, as my DH is an only child and deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). His mother was in floods of tears when we moved a 20 minute drive away ("We don't want to lose you!" Translates to "Who's going to look after me!?"). DH turned down a once in a lifetime job in NZ due to FOG and I said at the time, semi joking, that one day he would turn around and say "You know, we should have moved to NZ when we had the chance" and I would divorce him. Fast forward a few years and inlaws start talking about moving to Spain to be near their golfing mates who moved there. Not a thought about us and the DC. Then DH admits we should have moved to NZ when we had the chance, and I say" Do you remember when I said..."etc. It's a standing joke between us but it does sting.

Our DC are adults now and we've always told them to live their own lives, not to worry about us.

Your inlaws want to improve their lives by moving somewhere relaxing and rural, where the elderly relative can live out her years. If they didn't move, What would you do if you were offered a job that would improve your lives, but it was 100s of miles away?

phishy · 18/02/2022 08:14

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I know everyone is saying YABU, but it’s not that simple, your op said you understand they have their lives, but the hurt is all about being excluded from the whole thing until it’s a done deal

I expect they were excluded because the in-laws knew how they would react - and OP admits her DH was unpleasant and said some nasty things to his parents.

Actually she said he got upset and said some things that he shouldn’t have. That doesn’t mean he was unpleasant and nasty to them

Why blatantly lie @fairylightsandwaxmelts ?

Unsure33 · 18/02/2022 08:16

I feel for you. My in laws did this as well and it’s all very well saying only 3 hours away but when you work and have small children it’s not easy to just drop everything at the weekends . And they might not feel like driving either. My in laws did not have a close relationship with their grandchildren and my OH was upset as well .

I think they enjoyed being in the country , well my father in law did, but when we did visit my mil used to cry every time we left .

KaptainKaveman · 18/02/2022 08:17

YABVVU. They are already caring for an elderly relative. I suspect it's the free childcare you want, isn't it OP? Wink. Maybe you will just have to pay like the rest of us.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 18/02/2022 08:17

@LovelyYellowLabrador

They’ll be back when they want looking after in their old age ….
I told my adult children years ago that if I ever need looking after when I got old, I want to go into a home. I can't imagine anything worse than my own children having to be at my beck and call, wipe my bum, try to get me to eat nutritious foods etc. I had children because I love children, not so that they would be my carers when I got old.

I am now old, my husband is my carer at the moment (not that I ever envisioned that would happen, and it makes me feel incredibly guilty that it has). If I live longer than my husband is able to care for me, I either want paid carers coming to my home, or to go into a residential home. I don't understand your attitude at all @LovelyYellowLabrador.

JimmyShoo · 18/02/2022 08:18

It’s possible they are choosing to go now as in the not too distant future there may be care ‘demands’ which would make them feel they couldn’t leave and follow their dreams.

My parents moved away, we were always very close and nothing changed when they moved. We didn’t see them as frequently but it was for longer when we did. Their happiness made me happy, they had a lovely retirement.

Original poster
mag2305 · 18/02/2022 08:19

That's right, my dh wasn't unpleasant or nasty. Just upset.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 18/02/2022 08:19

I know everyone is saying YABU, but it’s not that simple, your op said you understand they have their lives, but the hurt is all about being excluded from the whole thing until it’s a done deal

The OP has previously posted about how she and her DH are both very highly strung. I suspect a degree of overreaction.

Cheekypeach · 18/02/2022 08:20

YANBU to be quietly disappointed but you would BU to show it in any way. My dad buggered off abroad when I was pregnant with my first. Leaving me my very elderly grandparents to look after at the same time. The same grandparents that regularly looked after us at weekends so he could do his hobbies and enjoy himself. Couldn’t make it up. But, I have said nothing.

Beachbabe1 · 18/02/2022 08:21

Is there any way you could move there too? Thats what my family have done. Grandparents moved first. We followed. My mum and dad followed after. Now we are all together in a beautiful town, much better than previous hometown! You are right to feel sad but they have to do whats best for them.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 18/02/2022 08:22

It’s odd they didn’t tell DH their plans.

3 hours isn’t far though …. Can do that as a day trip or stay overnight.

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