Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

Yanbu to be quietly disappointed,

Yabvu to think they owe you to stay nearby, you DH need to get a grip as it sounds very controlling( and childish) to get angry at his parents moving to somewhere they want to go!

Your children are of course the light of your life, but PILs have done that for years and are possibly happy to visit and have you visit them and stay nearby for short periods, and maybe that is enough for them.

Your posts are all about you! Have you actually told them you are happy they are having a good retirement following their dreams? (not yours)
Maybe you should

@peboh

Yabu. They've lived their lives, raised their children to adulthood, now they deserve the chance to do the things they want to do. They aren't abandoning anyone, they're just putting themselves first for once and at their ages they absolutely should do so!

This

I'd make it clear, though, that all your holidays will not be dedicated to visiting them now that they've moved away, so you won't entertain any complaints that they 'don't see you enough'. They'll have to make an effort to see you, especially since they have more flexibility time-wise than you do.

There are plenty of people like you around my town. Very small town mentality. Everyone lives in the next street to their family., everyone knows everyone's business. It's suffocating.

My adult children both settled in their university towns after graduation, so we have one DC two hours drive to the east and one DC two hours drive to the west. They have great careers in creative roles, which they couldn't if they had moved back here as there aren't the opportunities. We see them loads! They come here, all together, even though one couple has to sleep in the lounge as the others have a baby and need our spare bedroom. If they're not here I sometimes meet one or other of them halfway, or we go to see them.

As another poster said upthread, emotional closeness isn't measured in miles.

My parents did the same thing but my dad died last year and now my mum is on her own. They were a lot older though. I did feel abandoned because my children both have ASD and it was a very difficult time but on the other hand, my mum created an awful lot of drama and arguments so it was probably a good thing.

As a parent of two DS’s now in their late teens, I’m desperate to get my freedom back.

On the other hand, i don’t think it’s good that families are scattered all over the country. We’re meant to live in tribes, not isolated and raising children alone without any support.

I should add, we've never guilted them by saying, well we're not going to make the effort to see you, you moved away!! Don't you dare say you don't see us enough! and don't expect any help!

I get you feel abit sad an hurt you were told last but If i had the money to do this I would in a heart beat.
They can always come visit etc it isn't other side of the world it's for a better and more peaceful life whilst retired ?
I'd happily take myself partner an kids an move to a field in the middle of no were if I had the chance !! Would be the dream. I literally look for remote houses miles away all the time just nothing suitable is ever their !!!

Proximity to people doesn't have to be geographical for people to be close to one another.

RubyRedNails

You've nailed it. I know some families who live in a 1 mile radius of each other, how suffocating is that.

And they would think that because our DCs are hours away we're not close. That is bollocks.

We, DH and DCs are all very close, we see each other as much as we can, we are in contact every day at some point etc.
Miles mean nothing.

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones

This is a classic statement.

Translated it means...
Young people can move where they want, when they want, however far away they want.
Old people (parents) must stay where they are and not have any hopes, dreams, plans for retirement and the rest of their lives, because they have to wait and see if the children/GC might want them at some point.

[quote phishy]@MzHz sounds like she was itching to be nasty to you.

How did she react to you going NC?[/quote]
Thanks @phishy, I asked for space to come to terms with what she’d said

She rang every week, same day, same time for weeks. Leaving breezy messages as if nothing had ever happened

I was supposed to just suck it up.

When I didn’t, they turned up one awful winter night with Christmas presents for ds. I let them in, she tried to insist on a hug from me, and told me that I was a cow for saying I’m not minded to hug her when I haven’t got a response as to why she felt she could be so hurtful

Then they turned nasty, her h was roaring at the kitchen door. I asked them to leave, ended up calling the police to get help with making them leave. Even then they sat on my sofa and waited. Police eventually got the picture and they left.

She came to see ds in hospital a couple of years later but absolutely no mention of an apology or any kind of acknowledgment of anything, then tried to muscle back into our lives and I had to tell her again that if you can’t come to my home and respect me, bring violence and bullying into my home and expect me to just accept it, that it’s never going to happen, and to leave me alone or I’d take further legal steps. Since then, nothing.

She wails about how sad she is to any fool that’s listening but she and she alone created all this. She’s a narc I think, a covert one. Either that or she’s resented me my entire life. I see everything in my childhood very differently now. She’s not anyone I want in my life at all.

It’s not their responsibility to help out with your children. Anyone of that age deserves to spend their last however many years, doing whatever they want and living wherever they want.

You may feel the same at their age. You’re being unreasonable.

I think you entitled to be a little upset but also extremely unreasonable. As pp have said they have brought their children up and cared for elderly parents. This is their time please don't make them feel guilty for putting themselves first and this point of their life.

Having supported our own parents in later life, we are making our own plans to prevent the same burden falling on our children.

Maybe the OP's in laws are of a similar mind.

That's exactly what my husband believes.

@Roussette I had to move away from my parents as they live in one of the London zones and we couldn't afford to buy there. Then they moved even further away but still a more expensive area and no good for our jobs. We can barley afford where we are now. Apparently this is our fault, we are so far away.

We always lived 3 hrs from grandparents. It didn’t effect our relationship with them.

How do you know? If you always lived 3 hours from them, you have nothing to compare with. Your relationship might well have been different if they lived ten minutes away. You simply don't know how.

For the record, my kids grew up with GPs 2.5 hours away and loved them. But now that I have a DGC of my own, that I see at least once a week, I'm a bit sad that my PILs and my DDs missed out so much (we were the ones who moved).

Goodness - my parents moved to another country and I didn't give it a second thought! Until they passed away I was in one country, my siblings another and parents a third. But we all saw each other every year.
Three hours is nothing - a weekend visit every month at least. Your in laws are younger than me (snd I still have a child in school) and I have plenty of things I plan on doing and I don't feel I need to ask my kids whether I can, and I don't expect them to be asking me either should they want to locate themselves elsewhere.

@Roussette

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones

This is a classic statement.

Translated it means...
Young people can move where they want, when they want, however far away they want.
Old people (parents) must stay where they are and not have any hopes, dreams, plans for retirement and the rest of their lives, because they have to wait and see if the children/GC might want them at some point.

I was the one who said that, and it was in support of the PILs, so I don't know why you're translating it as the opposite.

I do think three hours is a big deal, I wouldn't see someone that far away more than twice a year and that's without kids.

It was the tone of the OP and title, as if the ILs had done something bad, that bothered me.

@saraclara

No.

I took the quote from the original post starting this thread. It's the last sentence in the original post. I'm not translating it as anything from you.

@Cam2020

People's ideas of family and expectations of relationships vary vastly. Theirs just aren't aligned with yours - no one is in the wrong.

I think this really sums it up. Things will settle down but for now, we're just sad about it.

I love my inlaws but I have to say, there has been some underhandedness in how they've gone about things which does hurt. They could have talked it about it with us. Yes, my dh would have still been upset but telling everyone else before us just hurts even more.
They also took the grandma to the solicitors recently to get things in order and have had her apartment redecorated before even asking her if she wanted to move away. So they obviously had it all planned out. My dh adores his grandma and would do anything for her so he's also saddened by this. A few people on here said, they'll be looking after an elderly relative when they move. We'll, not quite, she won't even be that nearby in the new location. My mil doesn't even get on with her mum!

I once met an 80-year-old American grandmother in a New Zealand youth hostel, backpacking alone around various countries on a long trip (months). She said she had done her bit with children and grandchildren and at last could fulfil her travelling dreams. She was very happy. I have picked her as a sample of the several senior women and couples I have run into independently exploring distant places in a leisurely manner, all of whom had done their bit with bringing up children and were finally doing what they wanted.

Sounds like they have felt guilty about wanting to move and this has stopped them communicating properly.

I don't know if this advice will help you and dh feel better but, it is really lovely you and dh want them around and will miss them.

It shows that they are nice people and you are nice people and you all get along.

Why don't you and dh go round with an early house warming present and say congratulations.

Don't loose the relationship you have because of this.

I

@EmmaH2022

I do think three hours is a big deal, I wouldn't see someone that far away more than twice a year and that's without kids.

It was the tone of the OP and title, as if the ILs had done something bad, that bothered me.

It isn’t. Our grandchildren are that distance away and we see them at least every couple of months.

"They could have talked it about it with us"

And said what though?

There's not really anything to discuss is there?