Inlaws abandoning us to move away

[mag2305]

My inlaws (in their late 50s) currently live a few miles up the road from us but will be relocating 3 hours away to a countryside location. They've bought this second property as a holiday home but have now decided to live and retire there and my MIL will be taking her 85 year old mum too. The reason they're leaving is just because they like the area better, no other family live there.
My dh found out today and is feeling really upset. Also, because his sister, grandma and uncle knew before us, it just feels extra rubbish. We suspected something was going on as they've been spending more and more time at this holiday home. Plus, they've started getting the grandma's flat redecorated for no reason - well we now know the reason.

We're sad because we have a 3 year old and 7 month old and thought my dh's parents enjoyed being grandparents and seeing us but that's not even been factored in. They've been really unemotional about leaving. My ds especially is really going to miss them as they've had loads to do with him. I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents. But we haven't asked that much of them over the years.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family? It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.

I don't think you're so much being unreasonable as just sad and upset. It sounds like you're going to miss your ILs which must mean you like them and get on? That's understandable so!
They're not being U either though. They're moving to somewhere they like but they're also caring for an elderly relation and that must be hard for them. Try and see that from their POV and then ask your DH to chat to them, with yourself if you think it's appropriate, about how ye are going to manage the relationship once they move. They're still in the same country so ye will be able to see them more easily than you think. My family were Irish. Once my maternal GM was widowed, she regularly came and stayed with us and all my aunts and uncles. We went back to Ireland every summer for the holiday fortnight and saw both sets of GPs as they lived only minutes away from each other. I went to stay with GM for the whole summer holidays one year, she having come to England to see us all and then me going back to Ireland with her once school had broken up! It was great and there's no reason why your DC can't do that in the future too when they're a bit older. DH and yourself could have holidays there as well.
It's OK to feel sad but wish them well and make the effort to keep in touch and visit them. Remember, things are going to be tough for them caring for an elderly lady, especially the older she gets! All the best to you!

People's ideas of family and expectations of relationships vary vastly. Theirs just aren't aligned with yours - no one is in the wrong.

@sarah13xx

This is almost exactly what my in laws have done too! It happened a couple of years ago to an area that there is absolutely no reason to move to other than they like it, it was a bit random. Less than a year after they moved we had a baby, mine aren’t quite as far away as yours but over an hours drive when they were 5 minutes before. After the baby was born they came and sat for 4 hours wanting to pass him round and round the living room. I felt really uncomfortable, emotional and sore and really just wanted my bed but it was as if because they’d made the journey they were getting their money’s worth. When they left I said to DH that was far too long, I then ended up going backwards in my recovery the next day and feeling really unwell because I should really have been lying in bed. I really grudged the fact they did that and they made a few comments about the fact they were coming to see the baby not me when my husband had said I wasn’t really up to visitors yet before they came 😑 They did this again a week later but since he’s got a bit bigger it’s like the novelty has worn off. We haven’t seen them in over a month and they’ve never offered to help with anything despite the fact they know I’m trying to juggle a baby, walking the dog, running a business etc by myself during the week. The last time they came to visit my mum was there too. She helps us out an awful lot and just lives 5 minutes from us. My MIL got a dig in to my mum about the fact they don’t see our little boy 🤔 Even my mum was irritated by this because she knows how much she does to help when they do absolutely nothing and make no effort to come to see us unless there’s something in it for them. Since this comment funnily enough they haven’t made any effort either 🙄 Now I have a child the idea of moving away from him/his family when I’m older just completely baffles me, I don’t get it at all

Good grief! Your post is so self-contradictory. At least be clear and honest with yourself about what you want.

You didn’t want them to move away, but you don’t really want them to visit.

You feel close enough to them that you didn’t want them to move, but not close enough to feel comfortable with them being in your home.

to an area that there is absolutely no reason to move to other than they like it is just bizarre. Why would they not move just because they like it?

When they visited after the baby was born, they made it clear they didn’t expect you to have to stay up, that it was not just you personally that they were visiting, so why on earth did you make yourself sick and not just rest? Or, if you couldn’t bear them just seeing their child and grandchild, you could have asked them to leave.

You complain that they never help even though you are busy, but have you actually asked them to? Surely you can’t complain that they overstay their welcome, and then complain that they are not there helping out. Reading between the lines it sounds like you have made them feel very unwelcome and they are unhappy that your attitude is preventing them from having a relationship with their grandchild.

What is it you want from them? For them to stay 5 minutes away at your beck and call it seems, to “help out” but only for your benefit, and certainly not for theirs.

It’s completely understandable to feel upset at their leaving but kind of unreasonable to expect them not to want to live their own lives and have their own adventures in later life. They’re only in their late 50’s and so hopefully have lots of time left. Three hours isn’t that far.

As a former military family, we are used to being far away from any family at all (most military families are in that situation as bases are usually so remote) so we loved the times when family visited us & us them.

I know it’s nice to have them pop in regularly but you’ll be able to spend whole weekends and holidays together. Maybe they just want a change in geographical location and perhaps their lack of informing you is because they’re also upset and wondering if they’re doing the right thing but perhaps think if they don’t go now, they never will.

I'd be running a mile!

You're upset about the 'helping out 'that's all.

I'm 51 btw with a a 13 year old. DSis is 50 with a 5 year old.

They are not the 'older generation', they are making the most of their glory days with no bloody childcare involved.

This thread has to be a wind up. They have just moved to a different area!

We haven’t seen them in over a month and they’ve never offered to help with anything despite the fact they know I’m trying to juggle a baby, walking the dog, running a business etc by myself during the week.

They probably expect their son, as in the baby's actual father, to pull his weight...

You're getting a lot of stick OP - I feel for you.

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to feel sad and of course it's not reasonable for anybody to try and insist somebody stays etc...

... but 3 hours away really changes things.

My Mum and Dad used to live round the corner and we were always in and out of one another's lives. They were hands on Grandparents to my daughter and we all spent a lot of time together.

My Mum decided that HAD to move to a place 4 hours (minimum - it's more like 5-6 in reality) away.

It's a long way, too far to go for just one night - seeing them always involves holiday from work etc.

They won't embrace technology so there's no zoom calls or face time or anything.

My two grandsons barely know who they are and we see them rarely.

My daughter is now disabled and she can't visit their house as there is no way of getting her wheelchair even into the garden.

When Covid hit we didn't see them at all and now that my Dad is ill we are only seeing them when they pay a taxi fare of £300 to come and visit.

In theory "it's only 3 hours" and you can "keep in touch" but I've found the reality v.different.

As everybody says - it's up to them - that's what they want - their lives and they are living them - but I do wish they were still near so it was easy to do things like attend hospital appointments, nip round with shopping, pop to the park with the children etc.

@Flatandhappy

Love the fact that you chose to quote one of the very few people who agreed with you rather than the majority who think you are being a bit of a drama queen 😁

😂 indeed!

Princess syndrome...grow up.

I live three hours away from my son and his family. I see them regularly and often visit to look after DGC for part of the weekend. They visit me fairly often and it’s a lovely getaway for them. It’s not a problem at all.

It's only 3 hours. My MIL lives 3 hours away and we see her for a long weekend every 6 weeks.

They probably didn't tell you cause they knew how you would react.

They do get to live their lives and they don't have to revolve around you. They will still love their son and still love their grandchildren and still be involved.

Honestly I think you are being self absorbed.

I feel like they're trying to get away from us maybe and they don't want to help out as grandparents.
It's not all about you.

I understand that they have their own lives but AIBU to think that they should have more importance on family?
You clearly don't understand, or you would not have such unreasonable expectations about how others "should" live their lives.

It's normally the younger generations who move away, not the older ones.
So ... it would be ok for you to choose to move out to the countryside ... but you are aggrieved that your inlaws are doing this for themselves, instead of remaining where they are just because you live there?

You need to get some perspective on this before it makes you very unhappy.
3 hours isn't a big deal. Think of the family holidays you & DC will enjoy with your inlaws, & stop taking their valid & happy life decision as some kind of commentary on you. It really isn't about you.

@mag2305

As a side issue to this, I should include that the grandmother's son (so mil's brother) doesn't live far at present so it will effect him too. And for him, he has an ex wife who is terminally ill so faces the prospect of being a single parent fairly soon. So he may need his family nearby.

If he's your MILs sibling and your MIL is in her late 50s his kids are unlikely to be that young are they??

YABU and your dh sounds like a real gem, getting angry at his parents and saying things he shouldn't have said to them because they have the temerity in their 50s to live their lives how they see fit, having already raised their kids.

If you and your dh are anything like how you come across in your posts in real life I'm not surprised they are moving away.

Also drip drip drip re your 3 year old child possibly having SEN although quite how that should have any bearing on their decision to leave or stay in your area is questionable 🤔

I suppose this is just total contrast to my own family. I'm an only child and I'm incredibly close to my parents. They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we do

Valuing family is not something that is measured in mileage.

I totally understand about them moving away and you’ll miss them

If my in laws moved away. I’d miss them dreadfully. My children adore their grandparents. However they’ve had them over some once a year. That’s it.

I wouldn’t ever dream of stopping them or thinking that they can’t live their life. They’ve done amazing things for us. In a short amount of time and I adore them for that. But I want them to live their life to the fullest!!

It’s wonderful.

YABU it's time to cut the apron strings. Good luck to them, it sounds like they are putting their needs first for once.

They probably told you and dh last because you're both overly- emotional and dramatic.

YAB totally selfish and ridiculous. They’re only 3 hours away after all, and they still have their own lives to lead -lush it sounds like they’re stuck caring for elderly parents too, which can be a damn sight harder than looking after toddlers, in my opinion.

Being grandparents to your children is just one small aspect of their lives. We moved overseas in our 50’s and so rarely see our grandkids but we still love them just as much. However, I’m not going to be tied down to an area just because the adult DC have children. That’s bonkers! Where we live is a lovely coastal area so great for visits/holidays.

They may have chosen to not tell you before now because they knew you'd guilt trip them about it. Do you know if the brother with terminally ill ex is in the know? He may have given them his blessing as your sil obviously did.

These things don't happen because people want to dump you, they happen because it will be a lot better life for them.

There are great advantages to not being in each other's pockets, especially as your children get older. And as your children grow they will appreciate being able to stay in the country for a time in the summer holidays, or maybe even spending the whole summer there while and dh visit for a few days!

This is not a decision they've made lightly, and certainly not because they want to get away from you, or probably not. Talk of abandonment is ridiculous, sorry.

My only grandparent lived two hours away from us. We saw him about twice a month - sometimes more often. We had a good relationship, and I was devastated when he died 10 years ago. I miss him terribly, as sometimes we'd phone just for a wee chat.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you, and your children, can continue to have a great relationship - especially in these times where they can FaceTime, etc.

What is it you have a problem with?
No more free childcare?

I think YABU. Although I do understand.

My parents moved 6 hours away, 3 years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child - who is also their first grandchild.

It pinched a bit at the time, I had similar thoughts of why wouldn't they want to be close to their grandchildren?

However, they are SO happy now. Live much better and more balanced lives than they ever did here and have much lower cost of living. My mum went from being inactive to constantly outside, found a love of gardening and growing veg etc. Her overall health has massively improved.

And FWIW, they have a better relationship with my DD than my PIL who live 15 minutes away.

You are not being unreasonable to feel upset, but you are being unreasonable to judge them for living their lives the way they want.

We all have our own lives to lead. I imagine moving to the country will be a long held dream. They’ve raised their kids, grand parenting is not a full time role, I’m sure they want to see your children and there will be a lot of visiting.

Try to encourage your kids to see it as a positive - a fantastic place to visit. And be gently firm with your DH - he’s not a little boy, he has you and the kids. Don’t let the situation of the g grandmother become a thing, that’s between them and her and I presume she wouldn’t move if she didn’t want to.

They wouldn't move away because family is priority. Not through duty for anything but because we are close and like being nearby each other. I'm very lucky that my dh values family as much as we do

OP.... are you saying that they should put their lives on hold for you and your family? Is that what you mean. Never mind what they might want for their lives?
I think your post is mean.
We are 60s/70s and are incredibly close to our DCs. They live where they want to live (2-3 hours away, their choice because of careers) and we live where we want to live. To insinuate your ILs just don't value their family because they are moving is so so unfair.
At some point we will be moving as we get older (smaller house) and it will be exactly where we want to move.

When you reach older age you realise your time is more limited and although I drop everything for my DCs, I also have some of my life left to live.
That is exactly what your ILs are doing. Just wait till you're older and you will understand maybe

The reverse was posting abut the son and his wife were moving abroad and mil was upset given her other child also lived aboard. It was a case of they are entitled to move away should they wish. Same situation.