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AIBU?

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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 17/02/2022 22:18

I’m not sure I would ever be able to relax 100%.

Wolfie12 · 17/02/2022 22:20

Knew a woman who hid the fact her partner is a convicted rapist (of a minor). She claimed he was innocent and that his conviction had been quashed. Court papers said otherwise. He claimed the victim was setting him up, turns out she was 13 at the time and it was historical allegations but yet he was convicted for years and went to prison. The woman I knew waited for him whilst he was in prison as she believed he was innocent and had children with him when he came out. I say knew because the moment I found out I cut contact. She was and is deluded. I saw bruises on her arm which she would make excuses for. Don’t be that woman. Plenty of good men out there.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:21

@youvegottenminuteslynn

But just remember, for every entitled brat rapist footballer, there’s a disturbed Roxanna Pallet…

What an odd thing to say. And ridiculous, you surely realise? Do you really believe that the number of men who commit rape and the number of women who falsely report rape are anywhere near equal?

It's not just about rape though, and men don't report domestic abuse as victims mainly.

Alot of it comes back to woman, I'm here for #metoo movement but alot of woman spoilt thier sons & daughters and set a standard in a male of the species head of what a woman is expected to do.

Most men are not men which is abbreviated, gentleman/men which most males post WW2 were not brought upto be.

Abuse by any male or female is unwarrented, be that any kind of verbal or physical, there are alot of child 'adults' out there of both sexes that just weren't brought up with standards and that's all classes not the poor/council houses where it's concentrated.

Post WW2: Consumerism/Narcassim is the new black. Sad but true.

There are many dangerous people not just physically. Many more are abusive by coercion & fear just to people in the street because they are different.

Abusing others in any way to make yourself feel empowered is quite normal in the UK, it's a hangover from the Empire.

SunnydaleHSAlumna · 17/02/2022 22:22

This is a hard one but I think I would go with the statistics on this. The vast majority of rape accusations don’t end with a conviction. It doesn’t mean those men are innocent and I wouldn’t take the chance.

Dibbydoos · 17/02/2022 22:25

No ones are guilty unless convicted - that's our civil code, but our society is judgmental isn't it?

He told you this on date 3. He didn't need to, but he did. Your friend says it's likely a false claim, and yet you question him. Yabu imo.

Rodion · 17/02/2022 22:26

There won't be an answer to this. On that basis the only way I'd see him again was if I felt utterly convinced it was malicious. Anything short of that level of belief in him will niggle away at you and is a terribly shaky foundation for a relationship.

It's dreadful for him if he's innocent, but that's exactly why proven false accusations should have a harsh penalty - that really do have a lasting affect on that person. In a horrible twist, I think actual rapists who get away with it don't have the same knock on effect on their lives because they were never after caring meaningful relationships (even if they pretend they are) and are happy to prey on women who don't notice the red flags.

AnnieSnap · 17/02/2022 22:27

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

I would go on your next date or even the one after and when the time is right ask a little more . Express appreciation for the difficult situation he found himself in by trying to be honest with you. Tell him that you are going to make a quick investigation with the police using Claires law because obviously you are worried and see how he reacts.

For Some reason I believe him I think it's incredibly responsible to tell you at the beginning of a relationship so there are no secrets, he clearly likes you OP.

For some reason you believe him!!! You have never met him and know nothing about him. Your view is very naive.
cuno · 17/02/2022 22:28

@seaniboy

Alot of it comes back to woman, I'm here for #metoo movement but alot of woman spoilt thier sons & daughters and set a standard in a male of the species head of what a woman is expected to do.

Oh no, not the awful women poisoning their children's brains and giving men the wrong idea of what a woman is!
You can't be serious.

OneTC · 17/02/2022 22:28

after 3 dates and a few hours of your life, nah fuck that, run a mile

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2022 22:28

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

His story was likely to be false? That's helpful information - and not good for your new friend's credibility.

Why would he spin you such a story? pp's suggestion of it being some sort of test of your credulousness and capacity for forgiveness is an interesting one. Rather like those Nigerian Prince emails with deliberately bad spelling - because if you'll fall for that, they know you're credulous enough to follow their story through with money.

Whatinthelord · 17/02/2022 22:29

I were personally be very wary.
Ok he’s told you but I’ve known people who use telling elements of the truth, whilst hiding/being misleading about other info, as a way to appear honest and legitimate.

I wouldn’t believe anything 100% unless it came from an unbiased source.

If you do continue seeing him, I’d be doing a Clare’s law application and be hyper vigilant to any other red flags.

TheHoleNineYards · 17/02/2022 22:30

Fucking hell. I remember when one of Mumsnet’s main mantras was “I believe you”

As in, we believe the women.

The tone from some posts tonight is the total opposite.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:30

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

This is a hard one but I think I would go with the statistics on this. The vast majority of rape accusations don’t end with a conviction. It doesn’t mean those men are innocent and I wouldn’t take the chance.
That's why you get access to a police report in England on domestic abuse on the person, you make a educated decision better than no facts decision.
Dibbydoos · 17/02/2022 22:30

@SunnydaleHSAlumna

This is a hard one but I think I would go with the statistics on this. The vast majority of rape accusations don’t end with a conviction. It doesn’t mean those men are innocent and I wouldn’t take the chance.
God that's a bullshill response. stop judging people.

Rapes don't end in convictions because the evidence is poor. In this case the police looked into her false allegation. Women need to stop playing these stupid games if tgey did it would be better for all us and safer.

Thus guys sounds fine to me. 3rd date big disclosure. I'd carry on and see how things pan out.

We've got to stop throwing the baby out with the bath water! Not everyone is guilty as charged!

JellybabyGina87 · 17/02/2022 22:31

I'd walk away. Even if he's innocent, you would always wonder. If you have any doubt in your mind, now is the time to end it. A guy once told me he was accused of molesting his ex partner's 11 year old daughter and was found innocent. I knew I'd never get past it so I ended it the same day. We'd had about 3 dates and I barely knew him. Just not worth it.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:34

@Whatinthelord

I were personally be very wary. Ok he’s told you but I’ve known people who use telling elements of the truth, whilst hiding/being misleading about other info, as a way to appear honest and legitimate.

I wouldn’t believe anything 100% unless it came from an unbiased source.

If you do continue seeing him, I’d be doing a Clare’s law application and be hyper vigilant to any other red flags.

Exactly reported facts can highlight a behaviour that most people would miss but the report makes them aware.

You can dismiss something as "ah they had a bad day at work" when infact reality that could be a lie & with knowing any facts in a police report you see it for what it is, coercion/mental abuse, which can anytime quicky become physical in any given 'mood'.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:39

That content is half the problem society has, any mental or physical abuse is capable by either gender, it's the person not the gender that determines these things happening.

I mean alone excluding men as victims also means same sex male relationships can be very abusive, I heard things from the horses mouths I dare not write here.

Male victims are well under reported compared to legit female ones.

It's the person not the gender that matters and as a society we have to move to that to create safety & equality to each other not a gender.

TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 22:40

Women need to stop playing these stupid games if tgey did it would be better for all us and safer.
So, rape is the fault of women?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 22:40

We all want to believe that no woman would do this. But most of the reactions on this thread show just how effective it is as a means for revenge. A totally innocent man can become absolutely untouchable and never, ever trusted again. The end of their job, and the end of any chance of ever having a relationship
Of course there are women (hopefully a small minority) who are evil enough to do this to someone. It's way too effective for them to ignore

Very well put, saraclara

Ignore me if this is a lousy idea, OP - I don't even know if it's possible - but could you suggest a joint visit to the police, where he'd authorise them to tell you the facts as they know them?

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:41

Last post was @ Dibbydoos didn't quote in post even though it showed before I posted ??

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:43

@TracyMosby

Women need to stop playing these stupid games if tgey did it would be better for all us and safer. So, rape is the fault of women?
It is not a gender issue, it's a person based issue and public funded bodies still refuse to get their head around the legislation that states such.

Having worked in public services I can tell you most of them are PLEBS, there are few diamonds and mine of coal.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 22:44

Amazing to see posters equating recommendations to cut ties after 3 dates with a conviction after trial by jury. Hyperbolic much?

I wonder why posters feel the need to defend a man's right to access a woman's life and body over and above a woman's right to end a relationship for any reason whatsoever, up to and including potential safety risk.

Unbelievable.

cuno · 17/02/2022 22:45

@seaniboy

That content is half the problem society has, any mental or physical abuse is capable by either gender, it's the person not the gender that determines these things happening.

I mean alone excluding men as victims also means same sex male relationships can be very abusive, I heard things from the horses mouths I dare not write here.

Male victims are well under reported compared to legit female ones.

It's the person not the gender that matters and as a society we have to move to that to create safety & equality to each other not a gender.

Men commit far more sexual offences, violent crimes, abuse, in fact crime in general more than women. It's foolish to pretend this isn't true and both men and women are equally responsible. 99% of sex offenders are men. You say men don't report things, but every woman I know hasn't reported things as well. Of course anyone of either sex, and in any same sex relationship abuse can happen, but the facts are it's hugely more men than women doing these things and it is an issue with men.
Benjispruce5 · 17/02/2022 22:47

If he’s telling the truth I really feel for him. Imagine being falsely accused and being judged by future partners? I think trust your gut as you seem to have some evidence that she made it up.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:47

@Puzzledandpissedoff

We all want to believe that no woman would do this. But most of the reactions on this thread show just how effective it is as a means for revenge. A totally innocent man can become absolutely untouchable and never, ever trusted again. The end of their job, and the end of any chance of ever having a relationship Of course there are women (hopefully a small minority) who are evil enough to do this to someone. It's way too effective for them to ignore

Very well put, saraclara

Ignore me if this is a lousy idea, OP - I don't even know if it's possible - but could you suggest a joint visit to the police, where he'd authorise them to tell you the facts as they know them?

Joint visit request for a police report is most definitely the way any sociopath/physcopath is not going to be able to hide then, on request or on receipt.

Somewhere between all three stages the behaviour/response will be a warning in itself.

If they've nothing to hide they will sail through the A B C levels.