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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 17/02/2022 22:47

OP, since you are the only one to have skin in this game, it's entirely your decision.

Personally I wouldn't for several reasons:

  1. Waiting 6 months with this kind of information would ofcourse be unacceptable, but volunteering such personal and potentially traumatic details about oneself on a date, and the hird date no less, is way too soon and inapproriate. If he had been the victim of rape it would likewise not have been the right time to bring it up.
  1. Like previous posters have mentioned, it's possible but unlikely that the accusation is false. Many accusations get labled as "false" by the police either due to a lack of evidence or inconsistent behavior from the victim (e.g. she wasn't acting scared enough of him, send him messages right after, etc, etc.) It often takes victims some time to process what happened to them and their actions while going through the shock phase can easily get their claims dismissed. Unless there is actual evidence of her lying, I tend to believe the a woman who says she was raped. Usuelly said evidence of lying is flimsy at best.
  1. There is another reason why he might bring up such shocking information this early in what is not even a relationship yet and that is to test your tolerance for it and to also give you a kind of warning. If he does end up raping you aswell, well he did "warn" you. Sort of. It could also be a test to see what your political leanings are. MRA's are of the opinion that women lie about rape all the time and that most rape accusations are false. He is perhaps trying to see if you are not a feminist.

Either way. I would consider this a deal-breaker. Don't people generally go on dates to enjoy themselves, not listen to personal trauma?

maddy68 · 17/02/2022 22:48

I think he's being honest a d that admirable. Go with your gut

Janesmom · 17/02/2022 22:49

[quote Awalkintime]Every woman knows someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped yet no one knows a rapist.
www.tiktok.com/@drjesstaylor/video/6957991478945778949?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en[/quote]
Non sequitur.

Not every women knows someone who has been raped.

cuno · 17/02/2022 22:50

People suggesting a joint visit to police to get the facts... what facts?! No-one was convicted so all you can know is what he was accused of. If the police turned around and said, yeah she made it up, or passed some opinion based on their own misogynistic biases then the police have a lot to answer for. I would not be happy if I found out the rapist I reported went to the police station with his girlfriend and they gave any indication or impression that I made it up.

Iamnotamermaid · 17/02/2022 22:50

Ok, so he has revealed his past early on in the hope he has a chance of getting his story across before you hear it from someone else. I would give him another chance. Keep your eyes and ears open but he could well be the victim of a malicious accusation. Clearly there was a police investigation so he has not made it up.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:51

Claire's Law, levels... (everybody's doing a brand new dance)

Ask: will they agree to a police report on domestic abuse.

Beware: will they the divuldge anything else that might show on said DA report.

Confirmation: of truth or highly liable lies.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:54

@maddy68

I think he's being honest a d that admirable. Go with your gut
Agree but unfortunately a gut let alone most people have no training/knowledge in how the brain works, esp of those with dendancies of self importanance (just look at your English Prime Minister) that will harm anyone in anyway to be the 'superior' person.
Whatinthelord · 17/02/2022 22:56

Why are people suggesting going to the police station with him. The route for people to request pertinent information about new partners from the police is via Clare’s law.

Bignanny30 · 17/02/2022 22:57

Just because there wasn’t enough evidence doesn’t mean he didn’t do it.

phizog · 17/02/2022 23:00

Oh god, some of the responses on here are evidence of why the tinder swindler was so successful.

It's been 3 dates. The guy is a stranger. Who has told you he's either a potential rapist or has an ex gf so unhinged and jealous, your life could be in danger too. Why on earth would you invest time and energy into investigating this about a stranger? All this aggro just because you met someone you could have a conversation with - the bar cannot be set so low.

You don't know him, his friends, his family, anything about him. You have no idea of his past or even whether he snores at night or how he takes his tea. What you do know is that there was an extremely serious police investigation that didn't conclusively prove his innocence and also didn't conclusively prove she lied. So not even the police know what really happened between them. Even if he is innocent, do you not think a psycho jealous ex gf would probably try to ruin your life too? Why on earth would you want all this drama - he's a stranger. Not a friend or colleague or someone you know at all. A stranger. It's not your role in life to conduct investigations on men's criminal pasts - dating should be fun, easy, a partnership, not dealing with so much trauma.

And this guy will be fine. There's enough women who will feel sorry that he may be innocent and get into rescuer mode.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2022 23:02

People suggesting a joint visit to police to get the facts... what facts?! No-one was convicted so all you can know is what he was accused of

I was just thinking of OP's remark about there supposedly being a text suggesting it was a malicious accusation and thought the police might be able to verify that? Obviously it may not prove anything but at least it would show he was telling the truth about this

I did say to ignore me if it was a lousy idea though!!

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2022 23:03

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

What will be false? His story? Or the accusation? (Sounds like the former, as investigating the accusation, then investigating her for making the accusation, sounds like a lot of investigating).

In which case your police friend has advised you that this chap has lied to you. So why would you believe anything else he says?

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 23:04

Lots of replies and conflicting information. Still undecided.

OP posts:
cuno · 17/02/2022 23:06

@Puzzledandpissedoff

People suggesting a joint visit to police to get the facts... what facts?! No-one was convicted so all you can know is what he was accused of

I was just thinking of OP's remark about there supposedly being a text suggesting it was a malicious accusation and thought the police might be able to verify that? Obviously it may not prove anything but at least it would show he was telling the truth about this

I did say to ignore me if it was a lousy idea though!!

You don't go marching into the police station asking them, they won't show you anything. You have to make a request through proper channels, that is Clare's Law. And in that they will not disclose to you what texts were or were not sent. It's more really what someone has been convicted of and if the police have good reason to believe they are a risk to you, not specific details that are personal to the victim. If he has had one person make an allegation against him, clare's law will not drag anything up, it doesn't work that way.
tkwal · 17/02/2022 23:06

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty? To say that you would dump someone who had been accused but not prosecuted because they might have done something?I find that incomprehensible. I know of cases where accusations have been falsely made , the men went through hell because of them and what's worse, that kind of baseless accusation makes it harder for those who have actually been raped to be taken seriously. One other thing about this post, he was accused of ATTEMPTED rape,was that so she could explain away the lack of forensic evidence ?

poTAYtoes · 17/02/2022 23:08

If you're still attracted to him, haven't seen any other red flags, and have a good gut feeling about him, I wouldn't immediately end things with him for this alone. He could be telling the truth. Obviously proceed with caution for a while until you feel sure you have his measure, but I'd advise that with any new relationship. Introduce him to your friends and family and ask their honest opinion of him. Meet people who have known him for years and see if you pick up any weird vibes from them. Look into his background as much as you can. Or if you don't see him in the same way after learning this, end it. It's your decision, and you can stop seeing him whenever you want.

It feels strange and awkward for him to tell you all this after three dates, but I can easily imagine that he thinks that the longer he waits to address it, the more likely a woman will think that is cause for suspicion. There's no good time to bring it up, yet he knows it has to come out eventually. Maybe he thinks that by telling you about it early on, he's avoiding wasting both of your time, if you can't accept it.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2022 23:09

This is a very strange thread, with a lot of very strange posts.

saraclara · 17/02/2022 23:09

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Would any of the people defending this guy have a man who was accused of abusing a child around their kids? If the charges were eventually dropped would you decide that was OK and let him babysit?
Well since he has a clear enhanced DBS check, presumably he works where one is needed.
MrsBerthaRochester · 17/02/2022 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

cuno · 17/02/2022 23:11

@tkwal

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty? To say that you would dump someone who had been accused but not prosecuted because they might have done something?I find that incomprehensible. I know of cases where accusations have been falsely made , the men went through hell because of them and what's worse, that kind of baseless accusation makes it harder for those who have actually been raped to be taken seriously. One other thing about this post, he was accused of ATTEMPTED rape,was that so she could explain away the lack of forensic evidence ?
Innocent until proven guilty in the courts, not in a relationship. You can leave someone over anything. No it's not incomprehensible. I find it incomprehensible that someone would stick with an accused rapist, after just a couple dates as well. The vast majority of rape reports are true, so the sensible thing to do is move on. If you are so quick to believe men telling you they got accused of stuff by a crazy ex or whatever the story is that you fall for, as you seem very taken in by all of this, then I don't know what to tell you apart from get some self respect.
TracyMosby · 17/02/2022 23:11

@tkwal

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty? To say that you would dump someone who had been accused but not prosecuted because they might have done something?I find that incomprehensible. I know of cases where accusations have been falsely made , the men went through hell because of them and what's worse, that kind of baseless accusation makes it harder for those who have actually been raped to be taken seriously. One other thing about this post, he was accused of ATTEMPTED rape,was that so she could explain away the lack of forensic evidence ?
Innocent until proven guilty is not a thing with rape. Because barely anyone gets convicted of rape. But women are still getting raped. Who is doing the raping?

Op doesnt owe him anything. She doesn't have to continue dating anyone at all for any reason or even no reason.

phizog · 17/02/2022 23:17

@tkwal

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty? To say that you would dump someone who had been accused but not prosecuted because they might have done something?I find that incomprehensible. I know of cases where accusations have been falsely made , the men went through hell because of them and what's worse, that kind of baseless accusation makes it harder for those who have actually been raped to be taken seriously. One other thing about this post, he was accused of ATTEMPTED rape,was that so she could explain away the lack of forensic evidence ?
If there had been conclusive evidence that she had falsely accused him, they would have arrested her or taken it to trial.

The point is NO ONE knows whether he did do it or not. He's a stranger. If you got chatting to your taxi driver or the guy next to you on a plane/train and he told you this story - would you be thinking "damn, poor guy is innocent as he seems so nice" or "get me the hell out of here".

Because that's how well OP knows this guy. Just a few hours and dates with a stranger. Ted Bundy was charming and lovely too - see how that ended up.

How this guy gets through life is his problem.

Op - ask yourself: if right now, you were in a cottage in a remote area alone with him, poor phone signal, how safe would you feel with him? Because with the right man you'll feel safe and comfortable and not even have a fleeting thought he may rape you.

Strawberry33 · 17/02/2022 23:18

It would be unfair to judge him based on this. It could happen to any man unfortunately- our sons, fathers, other halves.. it can and it most certainly does happen.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 23:19

@cuno

People suggesting a joint visit to police to get the facts... what facts?! No-one was convicted so all you can know is what he was accused of. If the police turned around and said, yeah she made it up, or passed some opinion based on their own misogynistic biases then the police have a lot to answer for. I would not be happy if I found out the rapist I reported went to the police station with his girlfriend and they gave any indication or impression that I made it up.
It shows all confirmed police interactions on a partner not just the rape allegation.

The law was made to protect people, Data Protection Act also means it doesn't name ex's just recorded as investigated incidents of DA with any partner.

It's not fool proof but it's better than nothing, same as Sarah's Law, Child Sex Offenders Disclosure Scheme where asking police if someone who has any contact with minors had a record for sexual against children.

For example a pedophile isn't a crime, it a attraction to pre pubescent minors, most people don't know that and that crimes are sexual charges so if someone had sex with a teenager in puberty it's a sexual crime not a 'paedophile', being guilty of sexual crime pre puberty minor still isn't a paedophile... it's a scientific description of attraction to a age group.

Anyway if someone has contact with any child (that means taking to them!) Or perhaps poses a risk for an to valid reason people under Sarah Law have a right to ask police if they have a record for it.

These are there for you the public bu to be police would rather not let you know, which ironically would cut their workload down under both Claire/Sarah laws.

Now look at the statistic percentage of sexual offenders gender, then ask your police force for the staff % and constable/officer % of all their sexual crimes unit, prepared to be shocked.

Btw way Met Police abandoned their specalist DA and sexual crime units including Child Sexual Exploration Unit a few years ago, and the percentage of staff... male, the warning signs of Sarah Everett were there years ago when Met Police showed no interest in any sexual crimes unit let alone having a child sexual explotation unit as a bare minimum.

Doctors/social workers 3-5 years, police officers a few months training. Those in charge the police don't need a degree and we hand them databases of child sexual explotation, and the Met ? We don't need a team for that... How safe are your kids?

Why is there no educating kids before leaving them at nursery with strangers ?

You'll find like we all have with the Met now how corrupt most police forces can be with child protection, strangers with a clean record and a few months training can access victims or of concern databases.

Honestly go I ask your force in under Freedom Of Information the M/F staff & constable % on all sexual/DA teams , you'll find it's like the statistics of sexual perpatraitors.

Use Sarah, Claire and FOI laws to your own advantage and protection, they are better than citizens having no tools, we've plenty tools enough in public funded employment thankyou.

Male or Female, use what proactive tools you have at your disposal^ to protect yourselves & loved ones, state serves citizen, except when you are a public funded employee.

Lockheart · 17/02/2022 23:22

OP, I really don't think you're going to get anything more out of this thread than posters shouting at each other about how they're wrong.

Ultimately whether you believe this man and whether you see him again is up to you.