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Original poster

What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

550 replies

Musinglife11 · 17/02/2022 19:03

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 21:44

Ah I forgot - this man I’d met was successful and the woman who accused him was either an ex GF or someone he’d been involved with. Apparently she had a lot of money and influence.

Wreath21 · 17/02/2022 21:50

That false allegations exist and that the whole process of prosecution for rape is a dreadful mess (usually beneficial to the rapists) are true. However, neither of these things are OP's fault or responsibility. As PP have said, you've been on three dates with him. The world is full of men, many of whom are not rapists. Bin and move on.

emzz89x · 17/02/2022 21:50

You are crazy if you believe anything he says. RUN lady!!!

MRS54321 · 17/02/2022 21:53

@cuno no of course she doesn’t have to
But she’s on here asking ..

It’s a really hard one. I imagine she feels guilty if she does walk away.

Really18 · 17/02/2022 21:53

@ByHook0rByCrook

So he could have done nothing but is now destined to be tarnished and vilified for life. As I said he is fxxxxx.

Still.wondering why a woman should care, after mere hours.of.knowing him. Or not even knowing him at all, as you seem so full of empathy! Bizarre.

A women in this case OP does care. She is clearly conflicted or she wouldn't have asked the question.
ohthejoysoftoddler · 17/02/2022 21:56

I had an ex that this happened to. It tore us apart, as he was cheating on me, but I have no doubt whatsoever it was a false accusation.

It almost killed my ex, it was an awful experience and I tried to support him through it.

I say this as someone who has been a victim of rape.

It's a flag of course, but some men are falsely accused.

Terfydactyl · 17/02/2022 21:58

Someone can make an allegations and destroy a whole life. No smoke without fire. Why would a women even suggest this. He must be a terrible person ect. None of those things might be true. If he tells her early then he is trying to manipulate her, test her boundaries and why give him a chance you don't know him. If he waits then he has manipulated her and kept a secret. This guy can't win. He is fxxxxx

We can say fucked on here.
The manipulation is a thing that actually happens, if it didnt then we might actually believe them.
If men as a class managed to call out rape, not commit rape, various other things that make us not trust in them 100% then this wouldnt be an issue.
Not sure why women as a class have to potentially put themselves in any more danger to appease a man who may or may not be telling the truth.

Tldr, not womens problem to put any mans feelings above our own.

Scout2016 · 17/02/2022 21:58

Out of interest, for all of us who have suffered sexual assault, or know someone who has, how many know a man who admits to being a perpetrator?

In my personal life and work I have known or read the assessments of hundreds of victims and yet only one man who admitted being a perpetrator. Doesn't tally does it?

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:58

[quote MRS54321]@cuno no of course she doesn’t have to
But she’s on here asking ..

It’s a really hard one. I imagine she feels guilty if she does walk away.[/quote]
Anyone who even has to ask should just walk away. There's nothing to feel guilt over. It's part of the social conditioning of our sex that we have to feel guilt and always make these allowances for men when it massively jeopardises our own safety. That is exactly what men want because it massively benefits them every time.

Gilda152 · 17/02/2022 21:58

Through my line of work I have worked with three separate teenage boys, all of who had been accused of rape by girls who then admitted they did it 'for a joke' or because the boy didn't want to go out with them - one was gay. I also know of another false accusation which was this women's last throw of the dice in a bitter divorce. Unfortunately for her, her history of making false accusations and being generally abusive to her ex husband and many many others went against her and the case was dropped very quickly.

It does happen and the stress and trauma that it causes is horrific. In the case of the younger boys, the knock on effect it had on their relationships and young lives was devastating.

I would be talking to this man more and asking many many questions about the circumstances of this accusation. I would also be doing my due diligence and looking into his ex a bit deeper.

He has absolutely every chance of being a rapist as much as the next man, who also is or isn't one. Mud sticks unfortunately and as has been proven here, people are happy to judge and condemn on minimal information, which if it was a revenge accusation, is exactly what the perpetrator wanted to happen.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 22:00

A women in this case OP does care. She is clearly conflicted or she wouldn't have asked the question.

And I'm saying her safety js more important than the man's feelings whilst you are saying the opposite.

The OP is her own woman she can decide for herself, of course. But if my vociferous objections to unsafe advice such as yours pervents even one woman from being abused, I'll be happy.

Mamas123 · 17/02/2022 22:06

I wouldn't go on a fourth date with this guy is it was me in this position. Sorry but you never really know what's the truth or not. But I personally wouldn't want that type of drama (even if nothing comes from it). Good luck OP

mussymummy · 17/02/2022 22:07

Innocent until proven guilty eh?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 22:08

Op doesn't owe this guy a date, relationship or a shag to prove that she believes him.

Her safety is a priority over his feelings.

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 17/02/2022 22:09

"Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Say it was a false allegation. What does that say about him?" - This is a disgusting attitude. Genuinely sickening. Being falsely accused of something is not your fault.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 22:10

@mussymummy

Innocent until proven guilty eh?
The OP isn't a court of law and she owes him precisely nothing.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/02/2022 22:10

But just remember, for every entitled brat rapist footballer, there’s a disturbed Roxanna Pallet…

What an odd thing to say. And ridiculous, you surely realise? Do you really believe that the number of men who commit rape and the number of women who falsely report rape are anywhere near equal?

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 22:12

@Gonnagetgoing

Same man told me this was revenge etc. I’ll never know and he said it ruined everything. I didn’t use Claire’s law probably should’ve done.
Most people don't know it exists, police forces doing a great job letting people know eh!

Self imploding, if they did it would cut down alot of their caseloads as people would walk away from a potential situation/s. Pleb Forces more like, can't even hand out info like that that would be a win/win situation for them and the public Hmm

Namechangehereandnow · 17/02/2022 22:13

Personally I see it as a form of grooming. He’s gauging your reactions, next movements, and what you will tolerate. He’s working out if you’re a suitable victim or too hot to handle.

He could be absolutely genuine, but as many have said, he’s not worth the hassle. You’ll never be fully relaxed around him. 3 dates is nothing, get out now while you can.

MissMogwai · 17/02/2022 22:13

3 dates?! Massive red flag and would be the end of it for me.

After 3 dates you owe him nothing.

TheHoleNineYards · 17/02/2022 22:13

@AllTheOtherNamesWereTaken

It's so unfair that men who do get falsely accused have it follow them round and ruin future relationships. Sadly accusations do get made up and if your guy says he's a nice guy, he told you about it himself and your police friend said it sounds it's likely he told the truth- you should keep going with the relationship if you're comfortable to.

I totally get it will make you wary but all of the people saying dump him it's a red flag are too quick to jump to a conclusion imo

It’s so unfair that women who are raped have it follow them around and ruin future relationships. Sadly, men do rape, and if your guy says he’s a nice guy, he told you about it himself and your police friend said it sounds likely he told the truth - you should still be fucking cautious and consider whether this is worth the risk.

I totally get it will make you wary. All the people saying ‘dump him. It’s a red flag’ are being very sensible imo

There. Fixed it for you.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/02/2022 22:14

Would any of the people defending this guy have a man who was accused of abusing a child around their kids? If the charges were eventually dropped would you decide that was OK and let him babysit?

CPL593H · 17/02/2022 22:14

[quote CaliFrown]@Musinglife11

A slightly different perspective from a woman who is almost certainly a fair bit older than you are.

Whatever the truth regarding the allegation, I would steer very clear of any man who comes with this kind of drama in his baggage. You have been on three dates. This is as good as nothing. I would let it run into the sand, and try to find someone who is more straightforward. Life is far too short for this shit.[/quote]
As another older woman I totally agree with this. Yes, there are false allegations (vanishingly small number next to those of unreported/unprosecuted rapes) and it is bad for the men in those cases. I would however be very wary of anyone who displays his 'evidence' on date 3, though, in the way he has done. As a very bare minimum, please do a Clare's Law request.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 17/02/2022 22:16

@mussymummy

Innocent until proven guilty eh?
Not the OP’s problem. Not dating someone isn’t the same as sending them to jail, and the standard of proof is lower. I could decide to dump someone because I didn’t like his shoes. The OP doesn’t have to be nice to this guy if she doesn’t want to.

Let’s take it into the future. OP decides to trust him. Then what? Keep his secret from all her friends and family forever? What if it comes out? Or tell them and defend him forever? Sounds exhausting.

Awalkintime · 17/02/2022 22:18

Every woman knows someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped yet no one knows a rapist.
www.tiktok.com/@drjesstaylor/video/6957991478945778949?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en