Page 7 | What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

YoBeaches · 17/02/2022 21:28

I don't like the fact he's telling you this on date 3. It's a very personal situation if true and he hasn't proven his character to you nearly enough for you to sanction his innocence.

Darley368 · 17/02/2022 21:28

As the survivor of an abusive relationship I can tell you that my exH absolutely did the confiding thing to test my boundaries and when I gave him the benefit of the doubt {because I was 20 and naive) he knew I had passed the test and would make a great victim. We were married for 20 years and I was completely broken by the end of it.

I also know no less than five women who have been raped. Of them only one was involved in a successful prosecution and that was only because other women came forward too. The others were dropped by the police very quickly. NFA is the norm in rape cases, you can't place any reliance on it.

Walk away OP, you don't owe him a relationship.

MRS54321 · 17/02/2022 21:29

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with continuing to see him?
Just be aware of any behaviour you’re not completely comfortable with.

Whilst, I believe we should listen and support alleged victims, I believe in innocent until proven guilty. We cannot tar every person who has been accused of a crime, without evidence.
If it’s a false allegation, the ex has achieved what she set out to do
If it’s true… I’d try and get some background once you meet his friends /family if it gets that far?
I think he’s told you as ( in the world of social media) you could’ve found out, ditched him and he’d never been able to explain himself to you?

YOU have to be your own jury , here.

But just remember, for every entitled brat rapist footballer, there’s a disturbed Roxanna Pallet…

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:29

@ByHook0rByCrook

This guy can't win. He is fxxxxx.

...and?! Why should women sacrifice themselves, risk their safety, for his hurt feelings? Women are killed at a rate of nearly 3 women per week, by their partners or ex partners - I don't know the statistics for assault and rape, but I assume it is likely higher.

We should not be expected to put men's feelings over our safety. Ever.

Absolutely! So what if he is "fucked", that isn't OP's doing!

Spooked102 · 17/02/2022 21:29

This happened to a friend of mine! In no way did he rape her and he got arrested and it too tore his life apart if never seen someone so broken. She was a nasty cow who was jealous he didn’t want a relationship with her so don’t just assume it’s a red flag he’s been honest and open about it it can happen to any man

phizog · 17/02/2022 21:30

It's only 3 dates in. Why take the risk or spend so much energy trying to figure out if he did it or not? Is he the only man on the planet, or the love of your life - no, he's just a stranger you've met up with a few times. When the accusation is as serious as rape, unless you knew him well or have friends in common who can vouch for him, why endanger yourself dating him.

It will cost you nothing to stop dating him. It could cost you your life if it turns out he is indeed a rapist. If it was a false accusation, that is horrible and I do feel for him, but I still wouldn't want to constantly be wondering, did he or didn't he. It's not your job to be a charity worker and give him a chance - you need to think about your safety and emotional well being. And unless you have written evidence from the police saying she made a false accusation, you cannot believe the word of a stranger.

I would walk away. If there was actual evidence she falsely accused him, and the police investigated this angle, and still didn't find enough evidence to convict her - there's obviously enough ambiguity even for them on what really happened. That would be enough to make me nervous.

Spooked102 · 17/02/2022 21:30

And btw he has a wife and children now and is the loviest man/father I know

saraclara · 17/02/2022 21:31

@ByHook0rByCrook

This is an early sign though. Disclosing at date 3 is an early sign. Red flag. Whatever. Its not a good thing.

So if he discloses it early, it's a red flag?

I'm guessing that if he discloses it later 'he's kept something from you and it's a red flag'

FTEngineerM · 17/02/2022 21:32

He’s one guy out of billions.
Just walk away. I’m assuming you haven’t fallen for every other man you’ve met so this will be no different. These are the type of red flags that glare at you but some women breeze past with their shades on.

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:32

@MRS54321

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with continuing to see him? Just be aware of any behaviour you’re not completely comfortable with.

Whilst, I believe we should listen and support alleged victims, I believe in innocent until proven guilty. We cannot tar every person who has been accused of a crime, without evidence.
If it’s a false allegation, the ex has achieved what she set out to do
If it’s true… I’d try and get some background once you meet his friends /family if it gets that far?
I think he’s told you as ( in the world of social media) you could’ve found out, ditched him and he’d never been able to explain himself to you?

YOU have to be your own jury , here.

But just remember, for every entitled brat rapist footballer, there’s a disturbed Roxanna Pallet…

Innocent until proven guilty doesn't mean you have to date the guy!

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 21:32

@Musinglife11

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

Easy enough, is there a violent domestic abuse background from more than the one ex.

Clares law was adopted in 2014 by police forces in England, you can find out a domestic abusers history www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet#:~:text=Background,-The%20DVDS%2C%20often&text=Under%20the%20scheme%20an%20individual,a%20violent%20or%20abusive%20past.&text=It%20must%20be%20reasonable%20and,risk%20of%20violence%20or%20harm.

It amazes me woman don't all tell each other this exists on social media where it would raise awareness.

Especially as some men become abusive after the birth of a first child.

Anyway ladies use it and social media it for all young females to know they can protect themselves by finding out the facts before it happens to them

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:34

*So if he discloses it early, it's a red flag?

I'm guessing that if he discloses it later 'he's kept something from you and it's a red flag'*

Who cares? Seriously. Why is this even a question?

3 dates.

Her time is worth more than this potential danger.

Or are you in the business of encouraging women to date abusers?!

SirenSays · 17/02/2022 21:34

I wouldn't continue to date him. Even if its completely false I'd wonder why the relationship was so bad she would seek revenge to the point of going to the police, especially when women in England have been jailed for this. Its a big risk to take. Perhaps that's unfair of me but it would put me off.

seaniboy · 17/02/2022 21:35

Sorry, I meant: ( Especially as some men become abusive after the birth of a first child) in previous relationships.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 21:36

I met and went on a few dates with a guy who told me he’d been accused of assault against an ex GF (I think). It was quite serious and he was in prison for almost 2 years. Ex lawyer apparently. I told friends and they said I should be pleased he told me. I bailed out after that.

With you I’d probably leave it to be fair.

RosiePosieDozy · 17/02/2022 21:37

I wouldn't see him again. He may have been falsely accused but I wouldn't be able to get past him saying that.

Gonnagetgoing · 17/02/2022 21:37

Same man told me this was revenge etc. I’ll never know and he said it ruined everything. I didn’t use Claire’s law probably should’ve done.

Really18 · 17/02/2022 21:38

@ByHook0rByCrook

This guy can't win. He is fxxxxx.

...and?! Why should women sacrifice themselves, risk their safety, for his hurt feelings? Women are killed at a rate of nearly 3 women per week, by their partners or ex partners - I don't know the statistics for assault and rape, but I assume it is likely higher.

We should not be expected to put men's feelings over our safety. Ever.

So he could have done nothing but is now destined to be tarnished and vilified for life. As I said he is fxxxxx.

lemmein · 17/02/2022 21:38

I know a lad in his 20s who has been accused of rape at least 8 times that I know of; obviously he's just been targeted by vengeful nasty girls

He has a criminal record for underage sex - has never been found guilty of rape.

I'd run a mile.

ByHook0rByCrook · 17/02/2022 21:40

So he could have done nothing but is now destined to be tarnished and vilified for life. As I said he is fxxxxx.

Still.wondering why a woman should care, after mere hours.of.knowing him. Or not even knowing him at all, as you seem so full of empathy! Bizarre.

cuno · 17/02/2022 21:40

Also considering the justice system is a joke, maybe if we stopped believing men saying they were falsely accused of rape or abuse and just keep a wide berth from them no matter how lovely and charming and wonderful they are, there will be more social consequences for abusers! Potentially shit for anyone who was falsely accused... but they all bloody say that, and the true falsely accused are a tiny minority! As it stands the large majority of rapists and abusers don't face any punishment from the courts, nor do they seem to face as much social consequences as people let on as shown by this thread all the women on this thread saying they know the loveliest guy who was falsely accused, or the women saying give him a chance! All my rapists and abusers are living their lives with zero comeuppance and consequence. Maybe if we just said NO to all these men, they'd learn that they can't just keep raping and abusing us and getting away with it all the bloody time.

Noisyneighneigh · 17/02/2022 21:42

@Spooked102

This happened to a friend of mine! In no way did he rape her and he got arrested and it too tore his life apart if never seen someone so broken. She was a nasty cow who was jealous he didn’t want a relationship with her so don’t just assume it’s a red flag he’s been honest and open about it it can happen to any man

Do you think he might have been sleeping with her? There surely are some vindictive people about but men get off with rape so much that you can't help sometimes being a bit

when an evil woman comes along and accuses an innocent man of rape.

Hydrate · 17/02/2022 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

phizog · 17/02/2022 21:44

Also - if she really is unhinged enough to go through an entire police investigation and run the risk of a false conviction arrest - what will she do to you when she discovers you're the new gf??

That too would terrify me. Why would you want to be in the sights of some seriously criminal and f*d up people? Even if he did nothing, by association he has a criminal and vidictive gf - do you know how far she would go if she's jealous of you being with him?! so he's either a criminal or has a target on his back by a criminal.

Yeah. no, just leave.

Noisyneighneigh · 17/02/2022 21:44

Personally OP I'd run and not look back. It's too risky to give him the benefit of the doubt.