What to think! Guy I am dating told me something?

[Musinglife11]

Went on a third date with a guy. He is nice and we connect well. I just felt comfortable around him.

He told me a few years back he was arrested and investigated for attempted rape. He was accused by an ex as revenge. He was investigated for 6 months, but charges dropped ( no further evidence?). He said it tore his life apart as he couldn’t work and nearly suffered a breakdown.

Said it was a revenge accusation. It didn't happen, but he wanted to be honest. He showed me emails from the police saying no further evidence. He said she got investigated for false allegations but police decided not to charge.

I spoke to a friend who is a police detective and he said it will most likely be false as it was investigated very quickly as these things can take up to a year or more.

How would you feel being told this? I am undecided as he seems really nice and was broken telling me. But it has made me slow things down, as it was very serious allegation that got investigated!

I think I've made that quite clear Lockheart. This is OP's thread about OP's situation. Posters mostly post to support OPs (and lurkers like them).

It's all about her (and them).

@lottiegarbanzo. Thanks for reading past my early morning faux Pas and I agree with you.

I was being deliberately obtuse to be honest. I find the nit picking of percentages a bit distasteful to be honest (from previous posts) as it just detracts from the discussion. I still find it odd that men find it an affront when stats are presented.

An earlier poster asked those who think the OP should 'give him a chance' if they would be happy allowing someone who had been accused (but not convicted) of child abuse to babysit their child - an interesting question I thought, which has largely been ignored. I guess people aren't so willing to test a man's honesty with their children's safety, yet are eager to tell a woman, who has dated a man briefly, that she should ignore everything we all know about rape stats and believe the word of a man she doesn't know. One poster even declaring 'for some reason I believe him' - I mean, wow how embarrassing.

My DD believed her ex had been falsely accused, until he raped her. No doubt his next gf believed my DD was lying too!

If you wouldn't trust a man in the scenario above then stop telling the OP to trust this man - your cheerleading is based on nothing but this man's words to the OP.

According to Rape Crisis, 85,000 women are raped per year. If we take the 3% figure from earlier then there are 2,550 false accusations per year. Is it really so hard to believe that a handful of people on a busy forum may know someone who really has been falsely accused?

Using those same figures, don’t you think it’s even harder to believe that no one actually knows a rapist and that they are all falsely accused.

This harks back to experience on a jury where the opinion of many was if he was accused he must be guilty.

I've no idea who the OP's friend is or whether he is lying or not, really only she can judge. However if she's of the view it's really worrying that he was accused and the police took no action. Then perhaps she should move on. If he was guilty then she has dodged the bullet. If he was innocent then he has dodged the bullet as after the trauma of a false accusation he deserves to go about his life with people he can trust and rely on..

Unfortunately false accusations do happen, and more often than you might think.

@QuirkyTurtle

Unfortunately false accusations do happen, and more often than you might think.

Unfortunately rapists get off with it almost all the time and then they tell people they were falsely accused.

I wasn't going to come back as the thread seems to have gone down a bit of a rabbit hole

But I just wanted to say sorry to all the people who've private messaged me. I'm a Luddite. One day I'll figure it out otherwise I would reply to you all.

But since posting on here 'was his name Iain' I've had numerous private messages asking if this was in x y or z area

So statistically there are already quite a few Iain's known for pulling this stunt right across the uk by the looks of it. And that's just the one name

My Iain was in south london so wasn't any of the ones people were asking me about. Which saddens me at it just means there are more of them about.

To the op. I imagine this is all a bit of a head fuck. He seems lovely and you like him. I liked my Iain. We had mutual friends and he was well known in my industry. I didn't know about Claire's law but thought I had done enough digging around (fairly public profile).

Was he announcing it as a way of gauging me? Maybe. Did it make me trust him a little more that he could confide in me? Maybe. Ultimately I let my guard down when I thought I'd done enough checks.

Yes I agree about nit-picky use of stats @Lunar27 It is just derailing.

I can think of reasons why some men are so uncomfortable discussing and acknowledging rape, how common it is, how close to home (not stranger danger) and how few cases are prosecuted.

Consent is one; differing ideas and experiences of that. Increased emphasis on it in recent years. If you're all for enthusiastic consent and that's what you know, it's not obvious. But if you're able to think back to instances where you or your friends might have taken advantage of a situation, drunkenness etc and how that might be viewed and how it really was and that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable... then suddenly you find that believing women and acknowledging the reality of their experience of rape feels very uncomfortable and that you're really, really keen to embrace the comfort blanket of doubt, ambiguity and statistical misrepresentation.

I think a lot of men don't want to engage with accusations of rape against other men, because they don't want that 'what is rape, what is consent, what exactly was that thing I did when I was 19' can of worms to be opened, in their own heads, or anywhere else.

Anyway, I guess I'm derailing and should start my own thread on retrospective understanding of consent, its expression as male group-think and effects on the perpetuation of rape myths!

Therebafe some uo-to-date statistics here. I wanted to add the link as there has been some really bizarre maths from rape apologists on this thread.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/

[quote TracyMosby]Therebafe some uo-to-date statistics here. I wanted to add the link as there has been some really bizarre maths from rape apologists on this thread.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/statistics-sexual-violence/[/quote]
Thank you. This should be required reading.

1 in 60 rape accusations get prosecuted.
Do you think that the 59 that get away with it after being accused go around saying so. No they are going to say they were falsely accused.

Reading this thread gives some insight into how we have a society steeped in rape culture, where "rough sex" is accepted as an excuse for murder and female rape victims are being told to call their male rapists "she" so as not to hurt their feelings Because, you know, won't somebody please think of the men?

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty?

Strictly speaking this is a concept for the courts, but I find it's a pretty good principle to use overall

For some on here though, it goes the same way as "mustn't judge" where men are involved; with any other group you'd be shouted down for assuming something about an individual because of what others have done, but not apparently with men

And fortunately none of it negates the point that OP owes a date nothing and that, if she chooses to do so, she can chuck him over for any reason or none

Scary thread - can’t believe some posters (very few tbf) have said they believe this guy. Given that anything can be made up on MN and many things are every, to believe in someone reported second hand on this site is absolutely crazy.

Then all the posters who seem keen for the op to give this guy a go if she’s so inclined. If it was so easy to get out of abusive relationships, nobody would be in them. It’s never going to get easier to get out of this than after three dates. I find this advice dangerous. Op already had doubts because she posted with a query. If she proceeds now, it doesn’t bode that well for her ‘trusting her gut’ if things get worse.

I’m in the get out now camp. It’s not for the op to right (possible) injustices at her own risk, however dreadful they may be.

Was he announcing it as a way of gauging me? Maybe. Did it make me trust him a little more that he could confide in me? Maybe. Ultimately I let my guard down when I thought I'd done enough checks.

I think this is why they do it. Hiding in plain sight. Sorry he targeted you notthatonethisone

One poster even declaring 'for some reason I believe him' - I mean, wow how embarrassing.

Yes, this was the post I was thinking of. People seem to be giving him the benefit of the doubt because he’s been a good guy and ‘been open’, despite many well-reasoned posts about how this aligns precisely with how some abusers behave. Mind boggling.

i think the answer to these two questions will tell you all you need to know, if you were to carry on with the relationship:-

1 - if in the future a rape happened in your area and the guy was described as vaguely similar to this guy, would you look in to what he was doing that day/night?
2 - if someone was attacked in an area you knew that he was in, would it ring alarm bells?

i think most people would say no to these as they wouldn't have any reason to believe that they could have done these things - do you think you would be a yes or no?

@TheDangerOfIgnorance

I would go on your next date or even the one after and when the time is right ask a little more . Express appreciation for the difficult situation he found himself in by trying to be honest with you. Tell him that you are going to make a quick investigation with the police using Claires law because obviously you are worried and see how he reacts.

For Some reason I believe him I think it's incredibly responsible to tell you at the beginning of a relationship so there are no secrets, he clearly likes you OP.

For Some reason I believe him

he clearly likes you OP.

aka 'You're a stranger on the internet and I don't care what happens to you so I am giving you advice I would never take myself'.

@lemmein

As I said way back, I knew a woman who was shamelessly open about telling us that she had accused an ex boyfriend of rape, as revenge. It happens, and for that person it's devastating.

Course you did Amazing how many people on this thread know someone who has been falsely accused, but nobody knows a rapist - funny that.

Society is fucked, I swear we're going backwards!

Yep, I’m 63 in a few months. Every woman I have ever known well enough to chat with about sexual politics has been sexually assaulted by a man in some way. Many have been raped. Yet, I have never been told personally about a false allegation of rape being made. No doubt it happens, but it isn’t common. Make sexual violence against women and girls is however, so common as to be normal (statistically)! Of course men also rape men and boys, but that isn’t the issue here and seems to have been raised so much in the thread to dilute the central issue. My experience isn’t just based on living as a girl and a woman for so long, but also having worked as a Psychologist for 32 years.

@miltonj

The fact that they considered investigating her for false accusations shows that there was more to it than just insufficient evidence. The police will have had reason to believe she was lying but not enough evidence to take it further. So it's a bit different to a case that is just dropped or guilty man found not guilty because it can not be proven. Although it is not the norm, these things can and do happen. He has been upfront and told you early on. I would proceed with caution though as you can't be sure yet, but I'd give him a chance.

No, he only told her the police knew she was lying and considered investigating her (but they didn't). The OP only has his word for it, and I am sure many rapists spin the old "well the police considered investigating her for fale accusations". Obviously it works because people like you are so taken in by it.

@tkwal

What happened to people being innocent until proven guilty? To say that you would dump someone who had been accused but not prosecuted because they might have done something?I find that incomprehensible. I know of cases where accusations have been falsely made , the men went through hell because of them and what's worse, that kind of baseless accusation makes it harder for those who have actually been raped to be taken seriously. One other thing about this post, he was accused of ATTEMPTED rape,was that so she could explain away the lack of forensic evidence ?

Hell I can leave someone because I hate his new haircut. I can leave because I want to. I dont in fact need a reason. Is this why so many women stay in unhappy relationships? This is a third date, they've not been married 20 years and have a shared history and entwined life, they don't need to soul search in case it's the wrong decision.

This is also not a court where even then guilty people are let off every single day, this is real life and I guarantee that if OP ends up raped by this man, every person who says give him a chance will backtrack and say well he told you he was a rapist, what did you expect.
It's not the role of women , any woman to "save" any man. Probably OP needs to do the freedom programme and make herself strong against any more men who wave red flags all over the place on the third fucking date.

Three dates you owe him nothing. Why take the risk when there's billions of other men without this potential life changing devastating consequence.

Surely if he had done something he just wouldn't have told you about all of this. Nothing wrong with being cautioys and checking everything out but if it comes back clear, I think I would continue with the relationship.

If what he says is true, I feel really sorry for the poor guy especially as a mother of two sons.

@kgov1

Surely if he had done something he just wouldn't have told you about all of this. Nothing wrong with being cautioys and checking everything out but if it comes back clear, I think I would continue with the relationship.

If what he says is true, I feel really sorry for the poor guy especially as a mother of two sons.

If what he says is untrue as is statistically most likely, I feel sorry for the poor woman who was raped.

So much more sympathy for possible false rape accusations than, you know, actual rape.

Why does being a mother of two sons make you a bit of a rape apologist? Your two sons are more likely to be raped than falsely accused.

Rapists often say they were falsely accused, naive of you to think it must be true.